Food on the go doesn’t always mean artery-shattering fast food in greasy paper bags. Call it a picnic and suddenly you’re the classiest bastard alive. Cooking at home certainly makes post-meal banging a foregone conclusion, but sometimes you need to mix it up. Taking your homemade treats elsewhere can be an adventure that allows your date to get comfortable with you. The clear advantage to a picnic date is not blowing your paycheck at a restaurant. Plus it’s romantic in spite of it being a tad cliché. My retort to that is women always flock to recycled cliché romantic comedies ad nausea. Many a picnic date have yielded me randy rewards. One went so well that I was cited in a park for public indecency when my date and I were caught in the backseat of her Prius, which was surprisingly roomy. Apparently all the parents of impressionable youngsters didn’t appreciate our tomfoolery. Read the rest of this entry »
When your pad starts to seem like a whorehouse with all the coming and going and more coming, it’s best to treat your body right. At least once in a while anyway. I’m all for the rock ‘n roll indulgences with fatty foods, barrels of booze, and flocks of freaks. But the monk that resides deep within my soul occasionally takes control and screams “Enough, ya heathen!” So I indulge him by taking a night off from the excitement and excess. And then, like Charlie Sheen at Bolivian whorehouse, I’m back to my usual tomfoolery harder and heavier than ever. Now go on and do yourself right before you do someone else right.
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 bunch broccoli
2. 2 tbsp oyster sauce
Chop off the bottom of the broccoli stalks so the trees separate. Throw them in boiling water and cook through so they are bright green (approx 3 min). Remove from the broccoli water and toss with oyster sauce. Serve up this mighty fine, healthy side dish with a meaty ENTREE.
Thanks to the good people at Jet Blue who sold me the All-You-Can-Jet Pass, I’m taking COOK TO BANG on the road. For the rest of September and half of October, my ass will be cooking meals in strangers’ homes all across America.
My challenge: to create a feast with only ingredients I find in their fridge and cupboards. These exploits will be filmed and edited into something that will be, at the very least, amusing as I transform stale Cheetos and a brillo pad into a culinary masterpiece using only a hot plate. The following cities are on notice during these dates:
New York, NY – September 10-15
Miami, FL – September 16-17
New Orleans, LA – September 18-20
Denver, CO – September 22-24
Chicago, IL – September 26-27
Charlotte, NC – September 28-29
San Francisco, CA – OCTOBER 2-4
Las Vegas, NV – OCTOBER 8-11
If you live in one of these cities and are down for a delicious experiment, send an e-mail to:
Stay tuned for delicious footage to follow. And now back to our regularly scheduled tomfoolery.
In the spirit of camaraderie and supporting culinary institutions that inspire, I wanted to give a shout out to Evan Kleiman and my friends at KCRW producing the radio show GOOD FOOD for NPR. This show is like foreplay for my ears, sending me into the kitchen to whip up one of my decadent dishes. If this show gets your rocks off like mine, throw some support their way. If you don’t know about it, you should. Thanks to that “series of tubes” (Senator Ted Stevens R-AK) you can listen online, download the podcasts or stick you fork directly into the computer monitor.
Now back to our regularly scheduled tomfoolery.