CHICKEN LETTUCE D-CUPS

March 21, 2016
Your D-cups fill out nicely!

Your D-cups fill out nicely!

This dish is stacked!  I mean the cups are full and voluptuous.  Ain’t no flat-chested FINGER FOOD here. No need for implants to help these fill out. The chicken breasts are supple and pouting, not to mention double-D-licious!  I have enjoyed this dish many times in the company of dates at fine Chinese restaurant and not so fine ones that rhyme with PF WANGS.  But only when I made it at home did I realize how simple, tasty, and awesome this dish can be.  Blow you date away with some familiar, but so much better since you made it with your own two hands.  Take a hold of those lettuce D-Cups, caress, fondle and then let your mouth get to work.

chicken lettuce d-cups prepTotal time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Beer or CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (for 2):
1. Plum or hoisin sauce (at your discretion)
2. 1 tbsp soy sauce
3. 1 tbsp vegetable oil
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 small lettuce head
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 3 mushrooms sliced thinly
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. 1 handful chopped peanuts

Step 1
Mince the chicken finely with your sharpest knife.  Marinate it in the soy sauce and oyster sauce (approx 15 min).
chicken lettuce d-cups marinate
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, green onions and mushrooms with vegetable oil until they soften (approx 3 min).  Throw in the chicken and the nuts and cook through (approx 4 min).
chicken lettuce d-cups saute
Step 3
Fill up the lettuce cups with the goods.  Add a teaspoon or so of the plum or hoisin sauce to each cup and then add a healthy scoop of the minced chicken filling.
chicken lettuce d-cups fill
Serve them up on a platter to share with the spirit of camaraderie and banging on your mind.
chicken lettuce d-cups served

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WINTER VEGGIE STIR-FRY ORGY

February 10, 2016

Lights, camera, hardcore action!

Winter vegetables are way kinkier than anyone credits them for.  It’s sort of like the meek librarian who sluts it up in Vegas or the mild-mannered accountant that spends his lunch hour at a dominatrix dungeon. There’s always something sinful underneath the surface. Sometimes you just gotta dig a little. You dig? That is what I learned when I threw a little get together for my winter veggie friends. We all had a few drinks, noshed on some shrooms, and then played some Al Green. What happened next was straight out of a bad 70’s porno. The radish made cad remarks to the broccoli about her fine looking stalk and then broke out some aphrodisiacs they used as sex toys. Once things got saucy there was nothing I could do but grab the camera like a good porn director would. Fingers crossed that my little veggie porn wins at the 2010 AVN Awards for best Group Sex and/or Midget Felatio Film.

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Cabernet

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 tbsp OYSTER sauce (substitute w/ soy sauce to make vegan)
3. 2 tbsp sesame oil
4. 1 white radish
5. 1 head broccoli
6. 2 tbsp GINGER finely chopped
7. 1 tbsp BASIL finely chopped
8. 1/2 package mushrooms sliced thinly

Step 1
First rinse the white radishes, chop up the stems, and slice radish rounds thinly. Wash the broccoli, chop the ends of the stock away so the trees break apart, and chop up the broccoli leaves if you have them.

Step 2
Heat up the sesame oil in the pan on medium heat. Saute the ginger (approx 1 min). Lay the radish evenly around the pan, adding the basil and salt, cooking until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the broccoli, broccoli leaves, radish stems, and mushrooms. Stir-fry away once you add the oyster sauce until the leaves wilt and broccoli softens (approx 4 min).

This stir-fry is a perfect solo act, but would do nicely with something CARBOLUSCIOUS.

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CASHEW MONEY CHICKEN

January 9, 2016

Grass, Ass, or Cash-ews

Cash money makes our world go around. It’s the international language of “fuck you, I’m rich!” Here at Cook To Bang we like commerce as much as the next perverted food blog. But the whole spirit of CTB comes from the desire to take money out of the dating equation. Food is the great equalizer. Everyone needs to eat. Almost everyone wants to bang. You don’t have to bang your lover on 1000 gold thread count sheets. A sleeping bag over a La-Z-Boy could be just as much fun and certainly more of an athletic feat. Everyone wins when you Cook To Bang. And this CTB take on a classic Chinese dish will win you much props and improper propositions.

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TOFU SUMMER ROLLS IN THE HAY

June 8, 2015
Summer rolling with the homies

Summer rolling with the homies

Summertime calls for lighter fare so we can hone our buns, abs and groins of steel.  Gone are the big coats that hide our blubbery bits.  If you want to bang you gotta look bangable.  So it’s time to put the dairy and beef products aside and get healthy.  Vegan food can be boring if you let it.  But how many obese vegans do you know?  My advice is to embrace the Asian fusion hippie party time.  Be sure your date notices how cultured and sensitive you are.  Play it off like you’ve gone green, instead of just greedy for more banging. If you want to roll in the hay, you better start rolling. Read the rest of this entry »


TIL THE BREAK OF DAWN-ELETTE

October 29, 2014
Rock it all night long, til the break-a-break-a-dawn-let!

Rock it all night long, til the break-a-break-a-dawn-let!

The butt crack of dawn will reveal its cruel self after you’ve been up all night dancing the horizontal mambo.  But shame mixed with glee over the unspeakable acts of last night will subside when you take control in the kitchen.  Sure you are short on sleep and long on orgasms.  Your day may be shot being a productive worker bee turning society’s cogs. But don’t give up on today.  Those bleary-eyes should see a world full of possibilities and reassessed plans. Get yourself the right nutrients and you can push right on through into the evening, banging all the way.  Nothing says, “Good morning, now let’s get back to bed!” like an omelet.  It’s got protein, veggies and the challenging flip that will fuel your body so you can break yet even more of God’s laws.  Remember that in the name of banging, sometime you have to crack a few eggs. Read the rest of this entry »


MAKE HEADS SPINACH SALAD

May 31, 2011

Eat enough of this salad and you'll be like Popeye, banging Olive Oil until Wimpy hits you up for more burger money.

The object to any CTB meal is to wow your date into submitting to your carnal cravings. Their heads’ gotta spin like a GI Joe helicoptering after you twist him around until the rubber band almost snaps. Serve something forgettable, and you can forget any extracurricular activities. I don’t even waste my time with anything that might as well have been nuked from a Hungry Man Dinner. You shouldn’t either unless you prefer servicing yourself rather than have a smoking hot bombshell do it for you. Take this spinach salad. Sure I could have assembled a pre-made package in the time it would take to prematurely ejaculate (at least you’d get off). But a spinach salad that tastes like an angel floated down, fed you, and then gave you a reach around is more my speed. I wager those of you who enjoy similar celestial satisfaction will agree. Read the rest of this entry »


YAKISOBA SLEEPOVER

September 8, 2010
Yakety Yakisoba, you sleep over, now bend over!

Yakety Yakisoba, you sleep over, now bend over!

This sleepover is going to be so much fun!  Pillow fights, girl talk, pranks calls.   Wait! You mean YAKISOBA SLEEPOVER is just a sexy name for a noodle dish? Boy am I embarrassed.  But I’m not too embarrassed to tell you about my take on this classic  Japanese street food.  Yakisoba is found all over Japan served at festivals and consumed en masse by the military.  The ramen us poor folk know and love originated from this classic.  Now is your chance to bring the gourmet back into this metropolitan street food.  This dish is fast, easy and cheap.  No wonder it’s served on noodle carts outside of subways.  But your date doesn’t need to know that.  Be sure to make a grand deal out of this classy culinary creation as if you learned the recipe from a monk on top of mount Fuji.  Perhaps the knowledge on how to conjure up this ethereal edible rests only with you.  You are the chosen one and your date will no doubt recognize this when they take their first bite.  Sounds like the sleepover is back on thanks to the flavor explosion and ginger aphrodisiac.  Domo arrigato! Read the rest of this entry »


BEEF BANGIN’ON

June 4, 2010

Where's the beef? Check my pantaloons.

This final edition in the 2010 CTB Recipe Challenge comes from Karin in Ft. Collins, CO. Here’s to bringing on the foux da fafa French connection. Karin writes:

I satisfy my man with a hearty meal and with his pleasure fulfilled I can be pleased in return. This recipe may seem daunting but believe me it is well worth the foreplay. With the right prep the ‘oven’ does the majority of the work and gives the strength the to keeps everything up all night long and keep the au jus flowing.  This recipe is surely is femme fatale. Ooh la la! Read the rest of this entry »


DON’T BRIE RAMBLIN’ WHILE SHROOM SCRAMBLIN’

October 6, 2009
Stuffing your talkative guest's mouth is a Brie-liant move!

Stuffing your talkative guest's mouth is a Brie-liant move!

Are they still talking? Sheesh! You haven’t said a word in the last five minutes. Don’t they need to breathe at some point? I’ve spent long periods of time with ramblers who keep blabbering about topics I stopped commenting on hours ago. Being crazy passionate about something is sexy, but at a certain point you should hand the conch off to someone else to talk. This rambling generally occurs after a night of unscrupulous dalliances when you are ready to sleep soundly. You banged someone physically hot enough, but mentally a little on the dim side. Don’t worry for they will eventually get the hint when the sound of your snoring pierces their conversation bubble. But sure as the sun rises, the ramble train will keep rolling come morning. You’re best stuff something into that mouth stat. You can go many different routes, many of which are perverted, kinky or slightly illegal. But in this case, try filling those unwavering noise boxes with some delicious food. At least the conversation will move towards the topic of food, your food. At that point you can steer the conversation from your food to your bed.

musrhoom bacon brie eggs prepTotal time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil*
2. 2 bacon strips (*if using turkey or veggie bacon)
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
6, 4 eggs
7. 2 handfuls sliced mushrooms
8. I small handful of Brie chunks

Step 1
Crack the eggs, salt and pepper them, and then beat vigorously.
musrhoom bacon brie eggs beat
Step 2
Cut the bacon up into small slices and fry them until they brown. Add olive oil if you need and then sauté the mushrooms until they soften (approx 3 min)
musrhoom bacon brie eggs saute
Step 3
Add the egg mixture and scramble them dry (approx 3 min). Turn off the heat, toss the Brie pieces on top of the eggs, and then cover with a lid, letting the trapped heat melt the cheese.
musrhoom bacon brie eggs scramble brie
Serve up with some BED & BREAKFAST POTATOES or SWEET ASS-BROWNS.

musrhoom bacon brie eggs served

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SALMON GRILLS AND PASTA THRILLS

June 8, 2009
This fish dish offers thrills, grills, and hopefully no spills.

This fish dish offers thrills, grills, and hopefully no spills.

Some naysayers will claim that salmon is a boring fish to eat.  So predictable, so typical, so uninspired. You have my permission to give them an atomic wedgie for believing they think outside of the box.  These people haven’t left the box since slap bracelets were in.  Salmon is only as boring as the chef cooking with it.  Think of it salmon as a blank canvas for a painter or a mold of clay for a sculptor.  You could just paint a still life or sculpt a symmetrical vase.  But you could also create something groundbreaking that will shake the art world to its self-righteous core.  Now translate that “fuck the norm” attitude to your culinary creations.  Throw some flare into that fish and your night’s post-curricular activities will be rated for Mature audiences only due to nudity, sexual content and adult language. Violence will be notably absent.

salmon pasta prepTotal time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $14
Drinking Buddy: White wine

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tsp of sea salt
2. 8-ounces of dry penne pasta
3. 3 tbsp of olive oil
4. 1 lb SALMON filet
5. 1 handful of sliced mushrooms
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful of fresh ROSEMARY
8. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 lemon halved

Step 1
If you are grilling with charcoal, get the coals going.  Marinate the salmon in 2 tbsp of olive oil, pluck the rosemary from the sprig and squeeze ½ the lemon over it.
salmon pasta marinate
Step 2
Boil the penne al dente, seasoning the water with olive oil and sea salt (approx 10 min).  While you wait for the pasta to boil, move onto Step 3.  When the pasta is ready, drain and mix it in with sautéed veggies in Step 3.
salmon pasta boil mix
Step 3
Sauté the garlic and onion with the remaining olive oil on medium heat.  Mix in the mushrooms and sauté it all with sea salt ½ tsp of salt until they are soft (approx 6 min).
salmon pasta saute
Step 4
When the charcoal or gas grill is ready, throw the marinated fish on.  Pour the excess marinade over the fish and put on the lid.  Grill until the outside of the fish whitens and the inside is a pinkish white (approx 5 min).  salmon pasta bbq serve it

Serve pieces of salmon over plates of pasta and squeeze the remaining lemon.
salmon pasta served 2

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