April 13, 2016
The tower of power!
Behold the fabled tower! It is said to control our ids. When it tells us to sacrifice a Chia Pet in its honor, we do it with a grateful smile. With clay and foliage scattered on the floor, dance over it with your arms stretched out to the glowing orange mash. Listen to it coo to you, “It’s okay. Go for it! Embrace the unknown. Give into your desires.” Perhaps you’re bewildered by the fact that a side dish is talking to you. Don’t over-think it. Believe what the creamy, dreamy yams tell you. They have your best interest at heart. And I’m not just saying this because I’m the high priest of the sweet potato sex cult. Kool-Aid, anyone?
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 lb sweet potatoes
2. 2 dashes salt
3. 2 dashes black pepper
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1/8 butter
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful Parmesan
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Throw in the sweet potatoes and roast until they become soft to the squeeze (approx 45min). Split them down the middle and scoop out the contents.
Combine the sweet potatoes with the butter, salt, black pepper, paprika, green onions and Parmesan. Mash it all up with a fork and serve up on a plate to compliment a meaty ENTRÉE.
April 4, 2016
Lead your enchanted hordes with the glorious tune of your Potato Skin Flute.
The flute is an enchanting instrument that when played right can control the minds of the captivated audience. Pan rocked his pipes and outplayed Mt. Olympus’s residents. The Pied Piper inspired people to follow him like sheep, dancing like fools through meadows and forests. Even Saint Patrick the heartthrob priest used a wind instrument to drive the snakes out of Ireland. You too can enjoy such greatness if you embrace and master your own flute (or your man’s). Play that flute beautifully with precision and attention to detail and they will follow you anywhere you want to go. Just imagine the possibilities once you have someone under your flute’s spell and yearning for your next note. Audiences can be fickle so keep them fed so the flute party keeps going. Savory Potato Skin Flutes will do the trick. Cheeky, cheap and cheesy! You’ll be back playing the final crescendo in no time. ♪
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a MO MOJO MOJITO
Ingredients (for two):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. Sour cream for dipping
6. ½ cup of shredded jack (or cheddar) cheese
7. 1/3 cup of shredded Parmesan
8. 1 JALAPEÑO chopped into thin round slices
9. 3 potatoes
10. 2 coarsely chopped green onions (optional, not pictured)
Preheat the oven to 475 degrees F. Create the potato skin glaze by mixing the olive oil, paprika, salt, pepper, and Parmesan in a bowl.
Wash the potatoes thoroughly, and then cut them in half and scoop out the centers with a spoon, leaving the skins in tact. Place the 6 potato skins in a greased baking pan, apply the glaze evenly over all and toss them in the oven to bake (approx 7 minutes). Pull the pan out of the oven and flip the skins over and bake until they brown (approx 7 minutes). Flip the skins back over and throw in the jalapeños (and green onions if you wish) and cover them with cheese. Toss the skins back in the oven until the cheese melts (approx 2 minutes). Serve those bad boys up on a plate with sour cream and if you are feeling bold, GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE.
March 30, 2016
You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!
Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party? Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red? Bruschetta to the rescue! It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing. Did I mention how simple it is to prepare? You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing. Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet. Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point. Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants. Abra-bang-dabra!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings. Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice. Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
March 4, 2016
2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.
My apologies to any of my fair-headed readers who take offense to this post. I don’t assume all blondes are morons with difficulty pushing open doors that are clearly marked PULL. Just the majority I meet. On the flip side, these golden-haired vixens and vicks enjoy a demi-gods status. Their behavior is excused because of their hair follicle pigment. To each his own. Just I have indulged in every flavor in the rainbow from ginger to Mohawk, I have tasted a few blondies in my day. There’s a certain comfort indulging in a lighter fare that lacks the punch of a brownie, but makes up for it with the ooey gooey. What makes these blondies especially fun is that they lure in the blondes like cheese on a mousetrap. Dish them out like drug dealers passing out samples at the playground. Soon you’ll have a sea of hot dumb blondes eager for a Hot Dumb Blondie fix.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a BANANA RAM-YA MILKSHAKE
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 cups brown sugar
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 tsp vanilla extract
5. ½ tsp salt
6. 1 baking powder
7. 2 tbsp HONEY
8. 1½ cups crushed walnuts
9. 4 sticks/2cups unsalted butter
10. 1 handful fresh mint leaves
Preheat oven to350°F/175°C. Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt.
Melt the butter down and mix in the brown sugar, vanilla extract, honey, mint leaves and eggs. Combine this mixture with the sifted flour mixtures. Add the walnuts and whisk it all together.
Line the baking pan with foil. Pour in the blondie batter and bake in the oven until the batter firms (approx 25-30 min). Allow it to cool, and then pull the foil away from the pan and spread it flat. Slice up the blondies, as you will.
Serve a la mode, on the go, or lure in potential dates with these tasty bites.
March 2, 2016
There’s no shame in going second so long as it’s sloppy
No one likes to admit to having taken sloppy seconds, but we’ve all done it. We all slip up and go there whether it’s hitting it after your best friend, sibling or in my case boss. As long as you keep it under wraps and don’t allow this booty call to evolve into a five-year relationship then it’s no harm no foul. Just move on knowing you got your forbidden rocks off and got away with it. Well done, MacGuyver! Now you just need to figure out an exit using only dental floss and a used condom. Remember that your relationship with your homie is way more important than a piece of strange they already discarded anyway. But sloppy isn’t always bad. Sloppy can be damn good when stuffed into a bread roll and smothered with avocado. So embrace the tangy terrific taste of a Sloppy Seconds Joe without shame or fear of retribution.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, beer or a RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 can of cheap beer
2. ½ cup of ketchup
3. 1 tablespoon of Worcestershire Sauce
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. ½ teaspoon of salt
6. ½ teaspoon of crushed garlic
7. 2 sandwich-sized French rolls
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 large dried CHILIES chopped thinly
10. 2 orange or red bell peppers chopped coarsely
11. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey meat
Warm the olive oil in the stockpot over medium heat. Add the crushed garlic and sauté momentarily before throwing in the bell peppers, turkey meat and salt. Cook and stir until the turkey meat browns (approx 5 minutes).
Add the chopped chilies and cook until the spice releases (approx 2 minutes). Pour in the beer, ketchup and Worcestershire sauce and cook until the liquids evaporate and thicken (approx 20 minutes). Turn off the heat and stir in the green onions.
Split each roll down the middle, leaving the base in tact. Pull each roll open and spoon in the sloppy Joe mixture, crowning it with avocado if you so desire. Serve it up sloppy, Joe.
February 26, 2016
Epic fail? Hardly!
There are few sure things in this world. You can count on the sun rising, taxman finding you and herpes to come back with a vengeance. But most promises of satisfaction guaranteed have so many disclaimers that it’s impossible to get your money back. Even banging isn’t always guaranteed to wow when you sleep with a prude without the interest or skills to get your rocks off. My advice is to move on quickly from these cold fish in search of the flippier floppier variety. One rare exception to the litany of disappointments is this healthy, tasty, morning-wood inducing dish. You got your greens, protein and carbs working together to make you the sex machine of the hour. If you do fail to inspire sexy time with this, you might just be a libido-less zombie. You might want to get that checked out.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 2 dashes of salt
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 slices of bread
5. ¼ AVOCADO sliced thinly
6. 4 handfuls of fresh kale
Remove the stems from the kale and chop coarsely. Throw in boiling water, cook until the kale turns bright green and softens (approx 5 min).
Toast the bread and poach the eggs while the kale boils.
Place boiled kale evenly between the two slices of bread. Throw the poached egg on top and crown them with slices of avocado. Add a dash of salt and pepper and voila!
Serve up this healthy breakfast to your date in bed, before you get back to the business of banging.