Winter vegetables are way kinkier than anyone credits them for. It’s sort of like the meek librarian who sluts it up in Vegas or the mild-mannered accountant that spends his lunch hour at a dominatrix dungeon. There’s always something sinful underneath the surface. Sometimes you just gotta dig a little. You dig? That is what I learned when I threw a little get together for my winter veggie friends. We all had a few drinks, noshed on some shrooms, and then played some Al Green. What happened next was straight out of a bad 70’s porno. The radish made cad remarks to the broccoli about her fine looking stalk and then broke out some aphrodisiacs they used as sex toys. Once things got saucy there was nothing I could do but grab the camera like a good porn director would. Fingers crossed that my little veggie porn wins at the 2010 AVN Awards for best Group Sex and/or Midget Felatio Film.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Cabernet
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 tbsp OYSTER sauce (substitute w/ soy sauce to make vegan)
3. 2 tbsp sesame oil
4. 1 white radish
5. 1 head broccoli
6. 2 tbsp GINGER finely chopped
7. 1 tbsp BASIL finely chopped
8. 1/2 package mushrooms sliced thinly
Step 1
First rinse the white radishes, chop up the stems, and slice radish rounds thinly. Wash the broccoli, chop the ends of the stock away so the trees break apart, and chop up the broccoli leaves if you have them.
Step 2
Heat up the sesame oil in the pan on medium heat. Saute the ginger (approx 1 min). Lay the radish evenly around the pan, adding the basil and salt, cooking until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the broccoli, broccoli leaves, radish stems, and mushrooms. Stir-fry away once you add the oyster sauce until the leaves wilt and broccoli softens (approx 4 min).
This stir-fry is a perfect solo act, but would do nicely with something CARBOLUSCIOUS.
That’s right! You know how to do what you do so do it. Ooh ooh, baby, do it one more time. I can’t get enough of your tasty taste. It’s so exotic, so flavorful, so foreign to my white bread existence. Suddenly all the TV Dinner memories are evaporating into adventures in Thailand. I’m on a beach getting my hair braided. I’m in the jungle communing with shaman living in a tree house. I’m in Bangkok breaking all 10 Commandments. It’s all because you spice up my life. Keep it up. Now that I’ve tasted the East, these noodles will keep the memories alive at the very least. Read the rest of this entry »
Cooking to Bang can often lead to some nasty habits like drinking, fornicating and eating after midnight. Some scientists claim that indulging your every whim can be harmful to your health. Bully to that. But just in case you are seek a cleansing, Cook To Bang has something silky smooth for the sinner in all of us. Think of this soup as an elixir that can grant you eternal innocence. Every unspeakable carnal act you performed in the heat of the moment shall be absolved by the soup’s all-forgiving nutrients. Allow the garlic and cayenne pepper to clear your sinuses and conscience. The broccoli and cauliflower will mainline you with calcium and scoop out cancer-causing gunk holding your prowess back. Lastly the lemon will wash away the sins leaving your body and soul shiny like it went through the car wash. You’re good to go. Have fun abusing yourself and we’ll see you again soon. Next! Read the rest of this entry »
I was originally only going to pick my five favorite RECIPE CHALLENGE submissions. But there were so many outstanding entries that a few warmed over my cold heart made of steel and wire. So six of my beloved fans got themselves signed copies of the COOK TO BANG book. Thank you to all 73 people who submitted outstanding recipes. I would gladly cook you a candle lit dinner so long as you are hot, female, and don’t have a man at home with a loaded gun. Now’s your chance to decide who wins the perfect pair of CALIVIRGIN‘s award-winning Cold-Pressed Extra Virgin Olive Oil and Barrel-Aged Balsamic Vinegar. Voting ends Friday, June 11th.
When your pad starts to seem like a whorehouse with all the coming and going and more coming, it’s best to treat your body right. At least once in a while anyway. I’m all for the rock ‘n roll indulgences with fatty foods, barrels of booze, and flocks of freaks. But the monk that resides deep within my soul occasionally takes control and screams “Enough, ya heathen!” So I indulge him by taking a night off from the excitement and excess. And then, like Charlie Sheen at Bolivian whorehouse, I’m back to my usual tomfoolery harder and heavier than ever. Now go on and do yourself right before you do someone else right.
Total time: approximately 6 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: All depends on what you serve with it
Step 1
Chop off the bottom of the broccoli stalks so the trees separate. Throw them in boiling water and cook through so they are bright green (approx 3 min). Remove from the broccoli water and toss with oyster sauce. Serve up this mighty fine, healthy side dish with a meaty ENTREE.
Yeah, you heard me! Take your hands off my chicken breasts and amscray! You don’t see me walking around all cavalier and fondling other people’s breasts. What? Well that was consensual! Very very consensual! Oh, and that other time. You got me there. But that was just to draw a laugh. No, I’m not messing with you. You can’t blame me for that! It was a double dog dare! And if I’m not mistaken, she did give me her number. I cooked for her too. We had a great evening and, yes, I did fondle. But she insisted. I was perfectly happy to just play Scrabble and discuss current events. So once again, I’m not in the wrong. You are! Now are you going to put my breasts down so I can grill them or will I have to resort to fisticuffs? I will defend my chicken breasts’ honor and then eat them if it’s the last thing I do!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 1 teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
4. ½ teaspoon of dried basil
5. 2 teaspoons of black pepper
6. ¼ pound of dried Rotelle pasta
7. 3 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 2 handfuls of sliced mushrooms
9. ½ a lemon of juice
10. ½ pound of chicken breast sliced into bite-sized pieces
11. 2 handfuls of bite-sized broccoli pieces
Step 1
Mix up the chicken with the lemon juice and black pepper and allow it to marinate (approx 10 minutes). Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium heat. Then cook the chicken through in it’s own juices until it goes white (approx 6 minutes). Set aside. Step 2
Heat up the rest of the olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the broccoli and mushrooms with more lemon juice until they soften (approx 4 minutes). Finally add the tomatoes along with a liberal dashing of salt, crushed red pepper and basil, and stew and stir it all down into a sauce (approx 5 minutes). Step 3
Boil water, cook and drain the pasta al dente. Pour in the pasta in with sauce and stir it up. Crown it all with the lemon pepper chicken, and serve.
Sometimes a remake of an old classic is exactly what a franchise needs. Like Oceans Eleven, the chicken parmesan model is in dire need of a makeover. You don’t want your date passing out head first into tired deep-fried cheesy malaise. It’s time to tell your new squeeze to get ready for the next generation of comfort food. You get all the same flavors, but half the fat and a hundred times the sex appeal. This recipe was born out of a blunder cooking dinner for my new college girlfriend. I overcooked the eggplant wedges and had to scramble to salvage my game. Cooking the burnt eggplant with tomato sauce, broccoli, grilled chicken breasts and cheese turned the night from “Oh shit!” to “Oh my God!” The recipe has since become a permanent fixture in my arsenal and not a single complaint yet.
Ingredients:
1. 2 skinless chicken breasts
2. ½ lb of broccoli chopped into bite-size pieces
3. 1-2 eggs beaten.
4. 1/2 inch thick round slices of eggplant
5. Enough breadcrumbs to coat each side of the eggplant
6. Olive oil
7. 1 cup of vodka or marinara sauce
8. 3 handful of mozzarella
Step 1
Crack and beat the eggs in a bowl wide and deep enough to dip the eggplant rounds. Once both sides of the round are covered in egg, cover it in a second bowl with breadcrumbs. Finally throw the rounds in a nonstick pan with little to no oil on med-high heat. Cook until both sides are golden brown and set aside.
Step 2
Cook the chicken breasts and broccoli together in a pan on medium heat. Cook the chicken all the way through and the broccoli is soft. Pour in the sauce and any spices you are partial to. Might I suggest some oregano and chili flakes for a spicy kick of lust?
Step 3
Once the sauce has fully cooked through the broccoli and chicken and has congealed, crown the chicken breast with a breaded eggplant round. Throw a handful of mozzarella on each chicken/eggplant stack. Turn off the heat, cover the pan with a lid and cheese do its thing. Pull the lid and serve solo, with a side of pasta, or on top of your naked body.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
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Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 