March 21, 2016
Your D-cups fill out nicely!
This dish is stacked! I mean the cups are full and voluptuous. Ain’t no flat-chested FINGER FOOD here. No need for implants to help these fill out. The chicken breasts are supple and pouting, not to mention double-D-licious! I have enjoyed this dish many times in the company of dates at fine Chinese restaurant and not so fine ones that rhyme with PF WANGS. But only when I made it at home did I realize how simple, tasty, and awesome this dish can be. Blow you date away with some familiar, but so much better since you made it with your own two hands. Take a hold of those lettuce D-Cups, caress, fondle and then let your mouth get to work.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Beer or CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (for 2):
1. Plum or hoisin sauce (at your discretion)
2. 1 tbsp soy sauce
3. 1 tbsp vegetable oil
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 small lettuce head
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 3 mushrooms sliced thinly
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. 1 handful chopped peanuts
Step 1
Mince the chicken finely with your sharpest knife. Marinate it in the soy sauce and oyster sauce (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, green onions and mushrooms with vegetable oil until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the chicken and the nuts and cook through (approx 4 min).
Step 3
Fill up the lettuce cups with the goods. Add a teaspoon or so of the plum or hoisin sauce to each cup and then add a healthy scoop of the minced chicken filling.
Serve them up on a platter to share with the spirit of camaraderie and banging on your mind.
4 Comments | 
asian, atkins, Chinese, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, healthy, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: appetizer, asian, awesome, bang, banging, boobs, breasts, chicken breasts, chicken lettuce cups recipe, Chinese, d-cups, delicious, DIY, double d’s, easy, fill, finger food, flat-chested, food, foreplay, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, hoisin sauce, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, libido, mince, mushrooms, naked, nuts, oyster sauce, peanuts, pf changs, plum sauce, recipe, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, tasty, tatas, tits, vegetable oil, voluptuous, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
February 10, 2016
Lights, camera, hardcore action!
Winter vegetables are way kinkier than anyone credits them for. It’s sort of like the meek librarian who sluts it up in Vegas or the mild-mannered accountant that spends his lunch hour at a dominatrix dungeon. There’s always something sinful underneath the surface. Sometimes you just gotta dig a little. You dig? That is what I learned when I threw a little get together for my winter veggie friends. We all had a few drinks, noshed on some shrooms, and then played some Al Green. What happened next was straight out of a bad 70’s porno. The radish made cad remarks to the broccoli about her fine looking stalk and then broke out some aphrodisiacs they used as sex toys. Once things got saucy there was nothing I could do but grab the camera like a good porn director would. Fingers crossed that my little veggie porn wins at the 2010 AVN Awards for best Group Sex and/or Midget Felatio Film.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Cabernet
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 tbsp OYSTER sauce (substitute w/ soy sauce to make vegan)
3. 2 tbsp sesame oil
4. 1 white radish
5. 1 head broccoli
6. 2 tbsp GINGER finely chopped
7. 1 tbsp BASIL finely chopped
8. 1/2 package mushrooms sliced thinly
Step 1
First rinse the white radishes, chop up the stems, and slice radish rounds thinly. Wash the broccoli, chop the ends of the stock away so the trees break apart, and chop up the broccoli leaves if you have them.
Step 2
Heat up the sesame oil in the pan on medium heat. Saute the ginger (approx 1 min). Lay the radish evenly around the pan, adding the basil and salt, cooking until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the broccoli, broccoli leaves, radish stems, and mushrooms. Stir-fry away once you add the oyster sauce until the leaves wilt and broccoli softens (approx 4 min).
This stir-fry is a perfect solo act, but would do nicely with something CARBOLUSCIOUS.
4 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: 1970’s porn, 2010, 70’s porno, adult video news, al green, aphrodisiac, asian, avn awards, bang, banging, basil, broccoli, cad, china, Chinese, delicious, DIY, dominatrix, dungeon, easy, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, group sex, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, las vegas, libido, midget felatio, mushrooms, naked, oyster sauce, porn director, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, sex toys, shrooms, stir fry, tasty, vegas, white radish, winter vegetables, winter veggie stir-fry orgy, winter veggie stir-fry recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 26, 2016
- Thai me up, Thai me down, Thai one on!
That’s right! You know how to do what you do so do it. Ooh ooh, baby, do it one more time. I can’t get enough of your tasty taste. It’s so exotic, so flavorful, so foreign to my white bread existence. Suddenly all the TV Dinner memories are evaporating into adventures in Thailand. I’m on a beach getting my hair braided. I’m in the jungle communing with shaman living in a tree house. I’m in Bangkok breaking all 10 Commandments. It’s all because you spice up my life. Keep it up. Now that I’ve tasted the East, these noodles will keep the memories alive at the very least. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, poultry, RECIPES, spicy, thai | Tagged: 10 commandments, asian, bang, Bangkok, Bangkok dangerous, beach, braided, broccoli, carbohydrates, carbs, chicken, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, happy ending, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, kwong hung seng sauce, mushroom, naked, noodles, oh baby!, oyster sauce, Pad see ew recipe, pad see ooh baby, recipe, rice noodles, seduce, sex, shaman, siam, simple pad see ew, spicy, stir fry, sweet, tasty, thai, Thailand, tree house, tv dinner, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 21, 2016
Stuff Me? Stuff You!
I’m sure someone has told you at some point in your life to “Get Stuffed” or something like that in one language or another. In essence they are telling you to get banged, which in some ways is a rather considerate suggestion. We all could do with a little more stuffing. Everyone would be a whole lot nicer without sexual frustration inspiring dickishness to the masses. It very well could be the solution to terrorism, the recession and what really happened to the dinosaurs. Attention Nobel Foundation: Please send the peace prize directly to my underground lab. In celebration, let’s stuffed some eggplant with our favorite meat and recognize that even in turbulent times, we still need to enjoy life. Cook To Bang, making the world a better-fed and sexier place. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bake stirfry, bang, beef, bell pepper, cashew nuts, chicken, Chinese stirfry eggplant recipe, delicious, dinosaurs, easy, eggplant, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, get stuffed, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, naked, nobel prize, oyster sauce, peace, pork, recession, recipe, sex, sexual frustration, soy sauce, Stuffed eggplant recipe, tasty, terrorism, tofu, wok, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 11, 2016
Dream a little obscene dream
I dream a little dream every day. My dreams do not consist of me running in a field of daffodils holding hands with my pure-as-virgin-snow fiancé. There is no discussion of curtain rods and where to hang the menacing portrait of her father in our bedroom so he can watch us “make grandchildren”. That is another man’s dream that I find boringly obscene. My dreams are of the social derelict variety. They are filled with morally questionable fluids that get all over the bed, walls and playtime companions’ faces. The soundtrack consists of gasps, moans, and cracks from my flat hand connecting with firm backsides. You could hook my brain up to your DVR and I’d single-handedly put Skinemax out of business. My lawyers are already in discussion with Time Warner, but it comes down how many private islands I will receive stocked with island girls…coming soon to a living room near you. Perverted as I am, I’m also a glutton in my dreams. And this Chinese style scallop recipe came out of one such decadent dream. Enjoy these nocturnal emissions on your plate! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, celery, china, Chinese, cinemax, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, fiancé, food, game changer, gasps, get laid, ginger, glutton, gourmet, grandchildren, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, island girls, kitchen, libido, lime, moans, naked, nocturnal emissions, obscene tangerine dream scallops recipe, oyster sauce, recipe, red bell pepper, scallops, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, Skinemax, social derelict, soy sauce, spicy, Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce, tangerine, tangerine scallops recipe, tasty, tivo, vegetable oil, virgin, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 9, 2016
Grass, Ass, or Cash-ews
Cash money makes our world go around. It’s the international language of “fuck you, I’m rich!” Here at Cook To Bang we like commerce as much as the next perverted food blog. But the whole spirit of CTB comes from the desire to take money out of the dating equation. Food is the great equalizer. Everyone needs to eat. Almost everyone wants to bang. You don’t have to bang your lover on 1000 gold thread count sheets. A sleeping bag over a La-Z-Boy could be just as much fun and certainly more of an athletic feat. Everyone wins when you Cook To Bang. And this CTB take on a classic Chinese dish will win you much props and improper propositions.
Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: 1000 thread count, aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, cash money, cashew chicken recipe, cashew money chicken, cashews, chicken breasts, Chinese, commerce, cornstarch, dating equation, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, international language, kitchen, la-z-boy, libido, msg, mushrooms, naked, nuts ginger, onion, oyster sauce, propositions, recipe, scallions, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, soy sauce, tasty, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 7, 2015
Eggplant No Pants, Eggplant No Pants, Eggplant NO PANTS!
Who lives in garden and bangs veggies?
Eggplant No Pants!
Delicious and decadent and devious is he.
Eggplant No Pants!
If food orgy mayhem is somethin’ ya wish
Eggplant No Pants!
Then load the aphrodisiacs into this dish.
Eggplant No Pants!
Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, cartoon, china, Chinese, Chinese eggplant recipe, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, eggplant no-pants, family friendly, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, naked, nickelodeon, oyster sauce, recipe, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chili, sex, sex appeal, soy sauce, spasmodic, spicy, spongebob squarepants, sumptuous, tasty, toon, vegetable oil, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
