And along comes the second installment of the emotional Douche Bags VS. Cook To Bang guy saga. This time the douches crash and burn spending serious coin at a fancy restaurant. The Cook To Bang guy kills it by simply cooking and banging at home.
Stay tuned for the final DBag chapter. 1 week until the CTB BOOK hits bookshelves! I know you’re waiting with baited breath.
With two weeks until the Cook To Bang book is unleashed upon an unsuspecting populace, we created a series of promos contrasting the Douche Bag and Cook To Bang methods of dating. This promo features three douchebags dropping their cheesiest barroom pick up lines. The Cook To Bang Guy schools them with his charm and culinary prowess.
Stay tuned for more exciting chapters in the DBAG vs. CTB saga!
I embrace criticism in all forms because it makes me improve my creative output. Most of my readers offer fantastic suggestions on recipes, photography tips, and occasionally their phone numbers so they get their own personal CTB servicing. But I get my share of hate mail, which honestly pleases me more than the love letters from Russian heiresses offering to pick me up in their leer jets. Hate mail lets me know I’m doing something right by creating controversy, making people think, and getting under their skin. The last great hate note one was from a RELIGIOUS WOMAN, whose opinions I respect, but don’t agree with. Below is a note from Sue in Canada who says:
You are a sick fuck. This website is not only disrespectful to women, but food is also sacred. it is clear you have too much time on your hands, among other things, i.e. your own dick as you have time to take pictures and number your ingredients… which by the way are a cheaters way of cooking. make your own salsa you lazy pig.
Allow me to retort, Sue:
Disrespectful to women:
Cook To Bang encourages men (also women) to break from the misogynist notion that “a woman’s place is in the kitchen.” The gender roles have been thus reversed. You see, I am a feminist at heart. I even took a Women’s Studies course in college. Note to my collegiate male audience: these classes rival yoga classes as the best place to pick up chicks.
Food is sacred:
I couldn’t agree more. Food is the great equalizer. I am an average looking guy without a vault full of cash to pay for five-star restaurant dates. Yet I tap top shelf ass thanks to my ability to create magic in the kitchen.
Too much time on your hands:
It’s true. I do. I started CTB after getting laid off. So I treat this like a job and work very hard to maintain my following with 5 recipes a week. Now I reap the benefits of all that time on my hands with a BOOK DEAL, among other lucrative opportunities I am cannot discuss in such a public forum.
i.e. Your own dick: Now you’re losing your temper, and thus losing the argument by being nasty. The beauty of the CTB method is I don’t need to choke my own chicken. The girls I cook for are in charge of that department.
So Sue, thank you again for this most amusing, albeit vitriolic commentary on my life’s work. I can only assume it’s been a while since you had a proper rogering. If you are hot (verify with picture), and willing to visit me in California, I might consider Cooking To Bang you. We’ll call it community service. It might even be tax deductible.
So upon special request, I am posting these antics from Friday night at a bar in New York. The setting: my birthday in NY with lots of near and dear friends. We were seated next to a fireplace and someone suggested we roast s’mores. Naturally I was challenged to make it happen. So a little tipsy and rather determined, I stepped out into the rainy night at midnight in search of ingredients. The chocolate and cookies (no bodega in NY carries graham crackers) were easy to find. The marshmallows not so much. But resourceful was my middle name and I found a restaurant that serves hot chocolate with marshmallows. They handed me a tub of marshmallows free of charge partly because I am so goddamn charming, but also since it was my birthday and they probably didn’t want a drunk fool scaring the customers. Next I went up to my hotel room, broke a wooden coat hanger for the metal wiring and was back to my friends in 15 minutes. After clearing it with the establishment, we were roasted marshmallows in the fireplace. Women flocked like hipsters to mustache wax. I have discovered the greatest pickup line EVER: “S’mores?” You’re welcome!
Total time: approximately 2 minutes per S’more
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Whatever is in your hand
Ingredients (for 10 happy customers, or 5 greedy ones):
1. 10 marshmallows
2. 1 CHOCOLATE bar
3. Round cookies (graham crackers unavailable)
First you need a fireplace in a bar. Next you need track down your ingredients (or come prepared). Find a metal wire or wooden stick and place your marshmallow on the end of it. Roast it to your preferred level of gooeyness (I like mine a little charred). Slap the marshmallow on the cookie, add a sliver of chocolate and VOILA!
If you can’t at least pull a phone number you are a sucka!