April 13, 2016
The tower of power!
Behold the fabled tower! It is said to control our ids. When it tells us to sacrifice a Chia Pet in its honor, we do it with a grateful smile. With clay and foliage scattered on the floor, dance over it with your arms stretched out to the glowing orange mash. Listen to it coo to you, “It’s okay. Go for it! Embrace the unknown. Give into your desires.” Perhaps you’re bewildered by the fact that a side dish is talking to you. Don’t over-think it. Believe what the creamy, dreamy yams tell you. They have your best interest at heart. And I’m not just saying this because I’m the high priest of the sweet potato sex cult. Kool-Aid, anyone?
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 lb sweet potatoes
2. 2 dashes salt
3. 2 dashes black pepper
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1/8 butter
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful Parmesan
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Throw in the sweet potatoes and roast until they become soft to the squeeze (approx 45min). Split them down the middle and scoop out the contents.
Combine the sweet potatoes with the butter, salt, black pepper, paprika, green onions and Parmesan. Mash it all up with a fork and serve up on a plate to compliment a meaty ENTRÉE.
January 25, 2016
Enjoy the tsunami of edamame!
I don’t mind admitting I am a mama’s boy. Sure some conservatives might call me morally bankrupt. But I scoff at them because I still have a good relationship with my mother. She’s the one who taught me how to cook after all. Sure I may have taken the foundations of her teachings and used it to get girls out of my league to sleep with me. But isn’t that what innovation is all about? Take something simple like the act of cooking and run wild in a field or devious dandelions. That’s what I have done with edamame. Sure they taste great on their own, like nature’s candy. But I wanted to sex it up a bit. What better way to do that than smother them in aphrodisiacal flavor and roast them to perfection? Take it from this edamame’s boy; you will be happy you took my cue. Read the rest of this entry »
January 6, 2016
Gotta lotta burrata to fatha
Some things in life just belong together. Dog and bone; man and woman; anal sex and lube. The sum is way more awesome than the parts. Can you imagine the Olympics without the ski and snowboard events? The very notion makes me shudder. That’s how I feel about creamy, dreamy burrata mozzarella. This majestic dairy product was hand delivered by Jesus, Buddha, and Mohammed on a cloud made of chocolate and feathers. But as good as burrata is, without some sort of tasty wingman, it’s like eating caking frosting in the dark alone on a Saturday night (been there, it ain’t pretty). Tomatoes are the natural go to for most lovers of the CAPRESE SALAD and all things Italian. But clearly those well intentioned, but uninitiated have never enjoyed roasted red peppers with their burrata. I am willing to overlook this infraction, but now you have no excuse. Each bite is like a millions tiny angels tickling your balls or breasts. Heaven is calling your name, my friends! Read the rest of this entry »
December 22, 2015
I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!
The economy has had a swift kick in the nuts for every consumer rich and poor. The holidays are here and gifts need to be exchanged. Your lovers are no exception. The holidays are a great time to clean house of the more shameful members of your roster. Give them nothing but a booty text with a holiday reference like “How’s my ho ho ho?” But you may have one or two (or three or thirty) that you’d like to see more of in the New Year. You gotta pony up sometimes, which doesn’t necessarily have to cost money. Purchasing jewelry, lingerie or a personalized bowling ball can easily land you in trouble, especially if your give Tina the panties meant for Rochelle. That’s why a culinary DIY project can bring a nice personal touch that reminds them once again what a phenomenal cook and lover you are. Making some transportable food sends just the right message. You won’t set up grand expectations or be considered stingy, just a matter of fact, “I think you are terrific and hope to bang you in the new year.”
Read the rest of this entry »
November 23, 2015
Getting randy with candied carrots is dandy.
Carrots are often overlooked as an unsexy, utilitarian vegetable. You might think the coolest thing to do with it is make a nose for Frosty the Snowman. Bully to that I say. Those suckers have never enjoyed the sweet, tender taste of a carrot candied to perfection. They have never used carrots as a side dish so sensational that the entrée looks like a chump. Once they’ve felt their knees knock, toes curl, and eyes roll into the back of their head, they will never sully the good name of carrots again. The beta-carotene alone helping you see your lover clearly in the dark should be reason enough. It’s all about those sweet and savory flavors one-upping each other to give you the first of many oral orgasms. Tongues spasming and dreamy eyes gazing are to be expected. This may not be the most appropriate Christmas dinner side dish considering these Randy Candied Carrots could inspire Grandma to discuss in detail her flings with jazzmen in 40’s nightclubs. But rest assured, you will be the much-lauded champ wherever you bring these.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on the entrée, but tis the season for vino
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 bunch carrots
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash cumin
6. 1/4 stick butter
7. 1 tbsp brown sugar
8. 1 cinnamon stick
9. 1 orange
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Cut the ends off the carrots, wash them and set them in a baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast until the carrots soften (approx 30 min).
Halfway through the carrot roasting, melt the butter in a pan, adding the cinnamon stick. Peel or zest the orange so you have small slivers. Cut the orange in half. Throw the orange zest, brown sugar, cumin and orange juice in the pan and cook on low until reduce by half (approx 10 min). Add the carrots and stir around in the candied glazy goodness (approx 10 min).
September 10, 2014
Get ready for some non-spaghetti in beddy!
This one goes out to all the sexy singles marching blindly to Atkins’ carb-free tune. Myself included. All this cooking and banging has put a hold on my underwear-modeling career. But only temporarily! I’m coming back hotter and more in your face awesome than ever. Healthy food is always the sexiest. We’ll skip the carbohydrated pasta in favor of nature’s non-processed solution. Spaghetti squash is an adventure of ingenuity and texture. It takes to a pasta sauce like a hooker to a free bag of crack. This simple sauté recipe should set you right. But pesto would convince just as many of your dates to drop trow. Now get roasting, my health-minded friends. I’m hitting the gym to work on my glutes. Read the rest of this entry »
July 25, 2013
Roast them, eat them, do not fear them
Title translation: “Tomatillos for my friends with benefits”. Cook To Bang firmly stands behind our willingness to reach out and touch the sexy people of all nations and languages. I’m not only a representative of international culinary seduction, I’m also a client. Hence the multinational recipes, which truly give you BANG for your buck. Tomatillos are a piece of produce too often overlooked. No doubt, I have walked past them in my local bodega wondering, “What’s with those green tomato thingees wrapped in their own leaves? I shall deny their existence just as I deny that there is an alien living in my basement that watches reality TV all day. Sorry, Roger.” Luckily I managed to break down my fear of the unknown because I had a date coming over who had already tried a good portion of my edible arsenal. So on a hope and a prayer to one of Roger’s alien gods, I got down to business and made up something random, loading it with surefire aphrodisiacs. Wouldn’t you know it, my date was rather impressed with my latest efforts and showed it via some new moves she learned watching Animal Planet. We may have freaked Roger out with our inhuman grunts, but he’s a guest in my house. So tough titties, you alien freeloader! Read the rest of this entry »
April 5, 2013
The roastest with the mostest!
It’s a damn shame how many people fear the artichoke. On the surface, it’s an intimidating vegetable. The spiky leaves that could kill a man certainly don’t help. Neither does the complicated center that is pretty, but inedible. But alas, once you get past all that superfluous nonsense, you got yourself an aphrodisiac that tastes like you broke off an angel’s wing and dipped it in wasabi. The texture alone should sell you on this magnificent gift from the food gods. Plus we’re talking finger food here. That means you can hand feed your date, fostering an intimacy you can later exploit. While you wait for the artichoke to roast, you can whip something equally awesome up or just waltz your date around the kitchen like a ballerina. Now be brave, be bold and buy yourself some artichokes! Read the rest of this entry »
March 13, 2013
Give ’em a good talker before giving ’em a shocker!
You could almost call this the “shocker” of salads. There you are serving your date up some salad and they’ll assume it’s some sort of noodle salad. Ha! You will laugh uproariously when you inform them this gluten and low-carb salad ain’t got none of that noise. We’re talking healthy to the point of being almost impossible to fathom. How could a salad taste so freakishly awesome with a texture akin to licking an angel’s naught bits? Unfortunately for you, my lawyers have informed me that these are trade secrets. But I fought back and insisted in at least giving out the recipe to my readers. So COOK TO BANG in good health knowing that somewhere out there you have a digital chef wingman looking out for your baser needs. Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »
August 21, 2011
Wango tango bango mango
Some dances are forbidden for good reason. Most people don’t want Pandora’s box open. All the yeah yeahs get out and inspire naughty behavior. For the average church-going type, this mindset is justifiable. But the act of reading this website puts you in the OTHER category with the greatest minds of any time. We question the status quo. So why wouldn’t you dance a dance considered morally bankrupt if it makes you feel good? That is merely their misguided opinion based on an unbendable worldview. But not you, dear reader. Have at it! This salad shall inspire you to dance with your partner in ways that will make them gasp, while onlookers blush. To hell with the haters who just can’t hang with your self-expression! You’re too busy throwing down with every last bit of lusty passion anyhow. Now sashay already!
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: White wine or a BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 2 massive handfuls field greens
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN balsamic vinegar
4. 2 tbsp HONEY
5. 1 mango
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice the mango on either side of the pit. Cut checkerboard slices into the mango meat, pour in half the honey and balsamic vinegar, and rub it in. Throw the mango halves into a oven safe plate or pan and roast until the meat softens and absorbs the flavor (approx 25 min). Scoop out the mango slices, rubbing them into the sauce.
Combine the olive oil, and remaining honey and balsamic vinegar, stirring it into a dressing.
Toss the field greens, mango, and dressing. Serve up with a delectable SINWICH and you are golden.