BANG YO ROASTED MANGO

July 31, 2015
Groovy booty, fresh and fruity

Groovy booty, fresh and fruity

You’ve done good tonight.  A for effort!  All the effort you put into the meal should have earned you enough street cred by now to make the move.  But should you choose the road of sweet temptation, try this ridiculously easy dessert.  It’s great solo or with ice cream, but also compliments many meals like Orangasmic Catfish.  You will appear to be a kitchen god who cooks like a champ so probably bangs like a champ too.  Be sure to allow time to roast while your date enjoys the magnificent maestro’s meal.

Ingredients:
1. 2 mangoes
2. 1 tablespoon of brown sugar
3. 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
4. 1 dollup of honey

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Cut the mango in half, remove the pit, leave the skin and cut bite size piece into the mango meat.

Step 2
Add the brown sugar, cinnamon and honey into the holes where the mango pits were.

Step 3
Cook in the oven for 35-45 minutes until the honey, brown sugar and cinnamon becomes a gooey syrup.

Step 4
By now your kitchen should smell great, which should impress the hell out of your lucky date.  Serve it up with other food or ice cream and before you know it…BANG!

Variations:
•    This recipe can also be made with peaches, nectarines or apples where you hollow out the core so the gooeyness can take it off the chain!


ANTS ON MY LOG

May 26, 2014
Ants are crawling all over my log...and I like it!

Ants are crawling all over my log…and I like it!

The ants! They’re crawling all over me! It’s so terr-…no wait. It’s actually rather awesome. All those little legs tickling my unmentionables. It’s a like an orgy with hundreds of participants, except they don’t talk, won’t get preggers and most likely don’t have full body herpes. If you get over the whole gross aspect of getting freaky with insects, than you got yourself a party. And should it ever get a little weird and awkward, you can always bail and squash those six-legged lovers of yours. Or better yet, just simulate it by recreating a classic childhood snack for a program intended for a mature audience. Who is the audience you ask? The ants of course! Read the rest of this entry »


BANGAROONS

April 18, 2014
Bangeroon, buckeroo!

Bangeroon, buckeroo!

Cookies are more than just a sweet distraction from life’s miseries.  The crumbs we discover months later embedded in our couch’s fibers are a reminder of the moments of elation they bring.  The Girl Scouts have come and gone, but we still want out cookies!  And coconut brings out thoughts of the tropics and sun-bathed bodies.  So get marooned on a desert island with a plate of bangaroons.  Use these cookies as a peace offering for the sexy island girls or boys.  Hopefully they aren’t headhunters.  If they are, use this magnificent confection to convince them you are a god that should be worshipped.  The secret ingredient (hint: rhymes with fineapple) will woo even the most skeptical savage.  These cookies are also are unleavened for any of you chosen Cook-To-Bangers attending a Seder.  Mazel Tov for being so goddamn sexy! Read the rest of this entry »


PICNIC TO BANG

June 8, 2012
Be sure no bear steals your picnic basket while you're banging in the woods.

Be sure no bear steals your picnic basket while you’re banging in the woods.

Food on the go doesn’t always mean artery-shattering fast food in greasy paper bags. Call it a picnic and suddenly you’re the classiest bastard alive.  Cooking at home certainly makes post-meal banging a foregone conclusion, but sometimes you need to mix it up.  Taking your homemade treats elsewhere can be an adventure that allows your date to get comfortable with you.  The clear advantage to a picnic date is not blowing your paycheck at a restaurant.  Plus it’s romantic in spite of it being a tad cliché.  My retort to that is women always flock to recycled cliché romantic comedies ad nausea.  Many a picnic date have yielded me randy rewards. One went so well that I was cited in a park for public indecency when my date and I were caught in the backseat of her Prius, which was surprisingly roomy. Apparently all the parents of impressionable youngsters didn’t appreciate our tomfoolery. Read the rest of this entry »


NYC BAR S’MORE PARTY

September 15, 2009
2 sexy, satisfied customers

2 sexy, satisfied customers

So upon special request, I am posting these antics from Friday night at a bar in New York. The setting: my birthday in NY with lots of near and dear friends. We were seated next to a fireplace and someone suggested we roast s’mores. Naturally I was challenged to make it happen. So a little tipsy and rather determined, I stepped out into the rainy night at midnight in search of ingredients. The chocolate and cookies (no bodega in NY carries graham crackers) were easy to find. The marshmallows not so much. But resourceful was my middle name and I found a restaurant that serves hot chocolate with marshmallows. They handed me a tub of marshmallows free of charge partly because I am so goddamn charming, but also since it was my birthday and they probably didn’t want a drunk fool scaring the customers. Next I went up to my hotel room, broke a wooden coat hanger for the metal wiring and was back to my friends in 15 minutes. After clearing it with the establishment, we were roasted marshmallows in the fireplace. Women flocked like hipsters to mustache wax. I have discovered the greatest pickup line EVER: “S’mores?” You’re welcome!

Total time: approximately 2 minutes per S’more
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Whatever is in your hand

Ingredients (for 10 happy customers, or 5 greedy ones):
1. 10 marshmallows
2. 1 CHOCOLATE bar
3. Round cookies (graham crackers unavailable)

Step 1
First you need a fireplace in a bar. Next you need track down your ingredients (or come prepared). Find a metal wire or wooden stick and place your marshmallow on the end of it. Roast it to your preferred level of gooeyness (I like mine a little charred). Slap the marshmallow on the cookie, add a sliver of chocolate and VOILA!

NYC S'more party assemble

If you can’t at least pull a phone number you are a sucka!

NYC S'more party served 2

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BLONDIE BONDAGE SUNDAE

August 24, 2009
Blondes jokes just aren't appropriate.  S&M is no laughing matter.  Right, mistress?

Blonde jokes just aren't appropriate. S&M is no laughing matter. Right, mistress?

My relationship with desserts is very S&M. To be more accurate, sweets are my dominatrix. I abstain from crack, but have come pretty close to rock bottom. Picture me curled up in a ball on my kitchen floor at 10am on a Tuesday eating cake frosting with a butter knife. It wasn’t pretty. But you should have seen the intervention. We’re talking powder sugar flying by the kilo. And yet my sweet tooth remains a glutton for punishment. Pleasure delaying is part of the torture. I try to be good and eat healthy enough to see next year. But then I allow myself to partake and it’s an embarrassing sight. The mistress of munchies takes over and my humiliation takes center stage. Ladies and gentlemen, behold the sugar-addicted freak that dances for blondies. That blondie demon whore hurts so good.

Total time: approximately 4 minutes

Projected cost: $8

Drinking Buddy: Champagne and strawberries

blondie sundae prepIngredients (serves 2):

1. 2 tbsp butterscotch sauce

2. 1 maraschino cherry

3. Whipped cream at your discretion

4. 1-2 scoops vanilla ice cream

5. 1 small handful crushed pecans

6. 1 large HOT DUMB BLONDIE (or equivalent crumbs)

Step 1

Heat up the butterscotch on ultra-low heat in a saucepan. Lay out the blondie like a bed you will soon sin upon. Build an ice cream mountain and pour butterscotch lava down in. Top it off with some whipped cream, deez nutz (pecans) and a popped cherry on top. Hot and cold sex on a platter for two.

blondie sundae assemble

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MY HONEY BAKES MY APPLES SPICY

March 26, 2009
Wake and Bake!

Wake and Bake!

My honey’s got it going on.  She knows just how to handle my fruit. Ooh, baby!  You know just how to peel ‘em naked, rub ‘em down with your sticky icky, and then heat ‘em up.  Dessert will never be the same. Every bite is crazy healthy and bursting with flavor G spots.  Hot damn!  We can indulge all our flavor fantasies guilt-free.  No one can judge us because we are technically playing by the rules.  The calorie police don’t have to know how much pleasure we’re soaking up.  It’s none of their taste-hating business what we bake behind closed doors.  So enjoy with reckless abandon just because you can.  It will be our little secret.

baked-apples-prep1Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA or a HOT TODDY

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 tablespoons of HONEY
2. ½ a lemon of juice
3. 4 Fuji apples
4. 1 cinnamon stick
5. 1 pinch of cloves
6. Plain yogurt to pour on top of apples (not pictured)*
*Optional

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Peel the apples and cut halves off each side, leaving the cores intact.  Cut the smaller slivers off each core.  Add all the apple meat to a small baking pan with the cut sides up.
baked-apples-peel-cut-place
Step 2
Warm up a pan on medium heat.  Squeeze in the lemon, and then add the cinnamon stick, cloves and honey.  Mix it together and allow the spices to soak into the liquid.  Once the mixture bubbles up, remove it from the heat and pour the honey evenly over the apples in the baking pan.
baked-apples-spiced-honey
Step 3
Throw the apples in the oven and cook until they soften (approx 20 minutes), and then flip them and bake the other side through (approx 10 minutes), pouring sauce scooped from the baking sheet over the topside.  Serve up on plate with a little yogurt if you are so inclined.
baked-apples-bake-serve

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