July 31, 2015
Groovy booty, fresh and fruity
You’ve done good tonight. A for effort! All the effort you put into the meal should have earned you enough street cred by now to make the move. But should you choose the road of sweet temptation, try this ridiculously easy dessert. It’s great solo or with ice cream, but also compliments many meals like Orangasmic Catfish. You will appear to be a kitchen god who cooks like a champ so probably bangs like a champ too. Be sure to allow time to roast while your date enjoys the magnificent maestro’s meal.
1. 2 mangoes
2. 1 tablespoon of brown sugar
3. 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
4. 1 dollup of honey
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cut the mango in half, remove the pit, leave the skin and cut bite size piece into the mango meat.
Add the brown sugar, cinnamon and honey into the holes where the mango pits were.
Cook in the oven for 35-45 minutes until the honey, brown sugar and cinnamon becomes a gooey syrup.
By now your kitchen should smell great, which should impress the hell out of your lucky date. Serve it up with other food or ice cream and before you know it…BANG!
• This recipe can also be made with peaches, nectarines or apples where you hollow out the core so the gooeyness can take it off the chain!
May 26, 2014
Ants are crawling all over my log…and I like it!
The ants! They’re crawling all over me! It’s so terr-…no wait. It’s actually rather awesome. All those little legs tickling my unmentionables. It’s a like an orgy with hundreds of participants, except they don’t talk, won’t get preggers and most likely don’t have full body herpes. If you get over the whole gross aspect of getting freaky with insects, than you got yourself a party. And should it ever get a little weird and awkward, you can always bail and squash those six-legged lovers of yours. Or better yet, just simulate it by recreating a classic childhood snack for a program intended for a mature audience. Who is the audience you ask? The ants of course! Read the rest of this entry »
June 8, 2012
Be sure no bear steals your picnic basket while you’re banging in the woods.
Food on the go doesn’t always mean artery-shattering fast food in greasy paper bags. Call it a picnic and suddenly you’re the classiest bastard alive. Cooking at home certainly makes post-meal banging a foregone conclusion, but sometimes you need to mix it up. Taking your homemade treats elsewhere can be an adventure that allows your date to get comfortable with you. The clear advantage to a picnic date is not blowing your paycheck at a restaurant. Plus it’s romantic in spite of it being a tad cliché. My retort to that is women always flock to recycled cliché romantic comedies ad nausea. Many a picnic date have yielded me randy rewards. One went so well that I was cited in a park for public indecency when my date and I were caught in the backseat of her Prius, which was surprisingly roomy. Apparently all the parents of impressionable youngsters didn’t appreciate our tomfoolery. Read the rest of this entry »
August 24, 2009
Blonde jokes just aren't appropriate. S&M is no laughing matter. Right, mistress?
My relationship with desserts is very S&M. To be more accurate, sweets are my dominatrix. I abstain from crack, but have come pretty close to rock bottom. Picture me curled up in a ball on my kitchen floor at 10am on a Tuesday eating cake frosting with a butter knife. It wasn’t pretty. But you should have seen the intervention. We’re talking powder sugar flying by the kilo. And yet my sweet tooth remains a glutton for punishment. Pleasure delaying is part of the torture. I try to be good and eat healthy enough to see next year. But then I allow myself to partake and it’s an embarrassing sight. The mistress of munchies takes over and my humiliation takes center stage. Ladies and gentlemen, behold the sugar-addicted freak that dances for blondies. That blondie demon whore hurts so good.
Total time: approximately 4 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Champagne and strawberries
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp butterscotch sauce
2. 1 maraschino cherry
3. Whipped cream at your discretion
4. 1-2 scoops vanilla ice cream
5. 1 small handful crushed pecans
6. 1 large HOT DUMB BLONDIE (or equivalent crumbs)
Heat up the butterscotch on ultra-low heat in a saucepan. Lay out the blondie like a bed you will soon sin upon. Build an ice cream mountain and pour butterscotch lava down in. Top it off with some whipped cream, deez nutz (pecans) and a popped cherry on top. Hot and cold sex on a platter for two.
March 26, 2009
Wake and Bake!
My honey’s got it going on. She knows just how to handle my fruit. Ooh, baby! You know just how to peel ‘em naked, rub ‘em down with your sticky icky, and then heat ‘em up. Dessert will never be the same. Every bite is crazy healthy and bursting with flavor G spots. Hot damn! We can indulge all our flavor fantasies guilt-free. No one can judge us because we are technically playing by the rules. The calorie police don’t have to know how much pleasure we’re soaking up. It’s none of their taste-hating business what we bake behind closed doors. So enjoy with reckless abandon just because you can. It will be our little secret.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA or a HOT TODDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 tablespoons of HONEY
2. ½ a lemon of juice
3. 4 Fuji apples
4. 1 cinnamon stick
5. 1 pinch of cloves
6. Plain yogurt to pour on top of apples (not pictured)*
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Peel the apples and cut halves off each side, leaving the cores intact. Cut the smaller slivers off each core. Add all the apple meat to a small baking pan with the cut sides up.
Warm up a pan on medium heat. Squeeze in the lemon, and then add the cinnamon stick, cloves and honey. Mix it together and allow the spices to soak into the liquid. Once the mixture bubbles up, remove it from the heat and pour the honey evenly over the apples in the baking pan.
Throw the apples in the oven and cook until they soften (approx 20 minutes), and then flip them and bake the other side through (approx 10 minutes), pouring sauce scooped from the baking sheet over the topside. Serve up on plate with a little yogurt if you are so inclined.
October 24, 2008
- If this doesn’t get you laid, you might consider a monastery.
Nothing will make your date say, “I’m going to bang them for making the extra effort,” like a delicious dessert to cap off an awesome meal. This recipe has morphed over the years and is always deal closer. Plus you usually have leftovers for those straight out of the fridge with a spoon after marathon sex moments.
1. 3 apples peeled and sliced thinly like potato chips
2. 1 package frozen blueberries (fresh are always better)
3. 1/2 cup of oats
4. 1/2 cup of brown sugar
5. 1/2 a stick of butter
Preheat oven to 375 degree. Grease a casserole dish or baking pan with butter. Then lay out the apple slices and berries evenly through the pan. Sprinkle cinnamon for extra flavor.
On low heat, melt the butter in a saucepan. Throw in the brown sugar and stir until it becomes the consistency of gooey molasses. Add the oats and stir so the oats begin to cook and expand.
Cover the apple/berry mix with the brown-sugary oats so you have a think crust over the entire dish.
Bake in the oven for 45 minutes until the apples/berry appear soft and the crust is a golden brown. Remove from the oven and allow it to cool. Serve with ice cream if things get too steamy.
• You can substitute the fruits such as mangoes, bananas, kiwis, but never EVER use orange!