OH GOD, DON’T STOP! JALAPEÑO POPPERS

March 27, 2016
Once you popper, you can’t stop her

Once you popper, you can’t stop her

Most North American sports bar patrons have consumed twice their weight in deep fried jalapeños poppers. Sure they are goddamn satisfying as the cheese stains your shirt, your team scores, and you toast with your third beer. Jalapeño poppers just aren’t sexy fried, period. Don’t even think about getting kinky with an order of twelve poppers with ranch on the side.  But when you got ‘em baking, you can start shaking.  Suddenly the crowd-pleasing appetizer is both edible and credible. The poppers are perfectly portable treat for tailgating, potlucks and the occasional swingers party.  But if you want to CTB, serve your basketball fuck-buddy finger food.  You are sure to score a touch down.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes

Projected cost: $4

Drinking Buddy: Beer, this is bar food

jalepeno-poppers-prepIngredients:

1. 1/3 cup of flour

2. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs

3. 1 tablespoon of honey

4. 2 tablespoons of milk

5. ½ teaspoon of paprika

6. 3 ounces of cream cheese

7. 2 handfuls of shredded jack/mozzarella cheese

8. 1 egg

9. 5 jalapeños spilt lengthwise, stalks cut, seeds and veins removed

Step 1

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Mix the cheeses with the honey and paprika.  Spread enough of the cheese mixture to just fill the hollow jalapeños.

jalepeno-poppers-cheese

Step 2

Mix up the egg with the milk and paprika.  Separate the flour, egg mixture, and breadcrumbs in separate bowls.  Dip each cheesy jalapeño first in flour, then egg mixture, and finally breadcrumbs.  Set out on a foil covered baking pan.

jalepeno-poppers-dipped

Step 3**

Shove the baking pan full of prepped jalapeños in the oven.  Bake until the breading browns and the cheese begins to ooze out the side.  (Approx 30 min)  Now you’re good to serve it up on a platter with ranch or ketchup.  Who’s the player now?

jalepeno-poppers-baked

**This is the baking method. You could skip this step and deep fry it in oil. But frying isn’t sexy.  Trust me!

jalepeno-poppers-served-2

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MISO HORNY COD

February 12, 2016
This dish love you long time!

This dish love you long time!

The Cook To Bang classic recipe is back in time for Valentines Day. Few recipes are this effective at harnessing the power of gastrosexuality. The Japanese approach everything with perfection in mind from manga to ninjas to oral.  Miso cod is no exception.  It’s a little sweet, a little savory, and 100% banging. The tender fish breaks off into scrumptious flakes and is complimented by the steamed bok choy.  The flavors battle on your tongue in a perfectly choreographed samurai duel.  Your date will love you long time.

Total time: approximately 3 hours (mostly marinating fish)
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Sake, beer or a dry white wine

miso-horny-cod-prepIngredients (for two):
1. ¼ cup of sake*
2. 1/3 cup of mirin*
3. ½ cup of sugar
4. ¾ cup of white miso paste*
5. ½ a lemon worth of juice
6. 2 tablespoons of soy sauce
7. 2 black cod filets*
8. 4 baby bok choys*
*all of these items are available at any Japanese/Asian market

Step 1
On medium heat, boil the sake and mirin for 20-30 seconds until the alcohol cooks out.  Add the miso paste and cook until the chunks dissolve into the liquid.  Finally, mix the sugar in and cook until it dissolves.  Set the pan aside and allow the miso sauce to cool.
miso-horny-cod-sauce
Step 2
If necessary, de-bone the fish fillets.  Pat the fillets dry with a paper towel.  Slather up the fish with the miso sauce so they are fully coated with miso goodness.  Leave the fish in a bowl and cover with saran wrap.  Allow the fish to marinate in the miso sauce at least 2½ hours (the longer it marinates, the tastier it will be).
miso-horny-cod-marinate
Step 3
When the fish is ready, preheat your oven to broil.  Wipe off the excess marinade and place the fillets in a baking ban.  Broil the fish until it the surface starts to brown.  Remove the pan, and then preheat your oven to 400 degrees F.  Throw the fish back in and cook 10-15 minutes longer.
miso-horny-cod-broil-bake
Step 4
While the fish is baking, steam the baby bok choy until the leaves wilt and turn bright green.  Mix the soy sauce and lemon in a separate bowl and it toss the steamed bok choy. Serve the fish and bok choy artfully on the plate.  Your date should be remarkably wowed.
miso-horny-cod-bok-choymiso-horny-cod-served-2

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EGG MCBANGIN’

August 17, 2015
egg-mcbangin-served

Mickey D’s ain’t got nuthin’ on this morning delight

So your date has slept over and has a ridiculous craving for some artery clogging McDonalds.  How gross and inconvenient!  You can indulge their desire, save time and money, plus you’ll blow their mind with this vast improvement over the fast food original.  This fine breakfast dish is extremely simple to prepare, plus it can be relatively healthy, thus giving you some much-needed nutrients depleted by a morning in bed.  I first made this dish on a whim using minimal ingredients when a one-night stand demanded I drive her 3 miles away to the nearest fast food purveyor.  First, I despise haphazardly prepared food, but more importantly I was only interested in one thing, and the Egg McMuffin demand was cock-blocking me.  Luckily my ingenuity worked out A-OK.  We both got what we wanted and I never saw her again.  Ha! Read the rest of this entry »


EGGS WHORENTINE

May 18, 2015

This egg dish brings out the whore in anyone.

This egg dish brings out the whore in anyone.

Who said breakfast can’t be quick, cheap and gourmet?  These purveyors of untruths are likely terrorists or, at the very least, buzz kills.  Ignore these fools for they know not what they say.  Prepare to class up the morning after tainting it with unmentionable activities that would make the church ladies blush.  Eggs Whorentine to the rescue!  It’s got all the sexiness of Eggs Benedict, but with the spinach power of Popeye. Let your breakfast speak for itself when you have a sleeping beauty in your bed.  Sure she/he is eager for you to report for duty, but damnit, you just gave them good loving and need a recharge.  That’s where the protein in the eggs, carbohydrates of the English muffin and the famed Popeye power of spinach keep you going long and strong.  Your first bite will send steam out of your ears and you’ll both be off for the next round and round.  Toot toot! Read the rest of this entry »


SKEEZER SALAD

May 14, 2015

All hail Caesar Salad!

All hail Caesar Salad!

The classics deserve much props and little improvisation.  You can’t get much more perfect than the Caesar Salad.  Like a great lover, it is crisp, moist and creamy in all the right places.  No wonder this salad is so universal on plates across the world.  Now is your chance to wow even the most discriminate date with this simple DIY Caesar Salad from scratch.  Once you make this ridiculously easy salad once, sequels by the dozen are sure to follow.  This salad works perfectly as a starter before a blow-their-mind entrée, or can stand alone as a lunch.  It was the perfect follow up course to the sultry French Onion Soup I served.  Naturally, my date was satisfied to her core with such simplicity.  She pounced like a wildcat before I could even finish.  My only regret is that the lettuce wilted before I could eat the rest.  I can always make more and more and more. Read the rest of this entry »


FORBIDDEN FRUIT SALAD

April 16, 2015
Bear fruit before you bare all

Bear fruit before you bare all

You should know better. This salad is reserved for the harvest Gods.  But you eat it anyway.  Sinner.  Man should not have access to a salad this powerful. The discovery of this recipe is akin to Prometheus giving man fire.  Sure I’ll have to wash a mountain of dishes for all eternity, but knowing you might serve this to a hot date makes it all worth it.  Ye shall reap the glory from this culinary gem heretofore unattainable.  It’s the only ammunition you’ll need for a successful conquest.  The Forbidden Fruit Salad has delivered for me on more than on occasion, sexing up a few dull BREAKFASTS and lunches.  This represents one of my favorite fruit combinations, but I encourage you to try your favorite.  Did I mention this ultra-healthy salad will make certain bodily secretions taste way better? Read the rest of this entry »


OYSTERS BANG-A-FELLER

August 11, 2014
Act like a Rockefeller with Oysters Bang-a-Feller.

Act like a Rockefeller with Oysters Bang-a-Feller.

Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with banging a feller.  Speaking from the POV of a feller, banging is the only thing that makes us feel special.  All the fancy cars and diamond encrusted Rolexes are just means to get banged.  So make like a goddamn Rockefeller and indulge in the rich oyster power.  The aphrodisiac supernovas of the sea will get your loins revving like a golf cart run on plutonium.  Slurping them down will make you feel momentarily like the richest feller on the planet. Read the rest of this entry »