Cook To Bang is nothing without its readership. If a recipe helps someone bang in the woods and no one is there to film it, does it make a moaning sound? I’ll leave that to the philosophers far wiser than me to answer. A massive shout out is due to my man DJ JD of Ottawa, Canada for this recipe. Homeboy came through with a unique and outstanding recipe when I needed it most. I make a point of not dating vegans since they severely limit my palette. But this particular vegan’s beauty is outclassed only by her cheeky personality. Naturally, a classy specimen of humanity deserves a little leeway. So after racking my sex-addled brain for a vegan recipe, I found JD’s email and took it for a test drive. Hot damn! This butternut squash soup made both our heads spin with glee. The vegan vixen was more than pleased. If Cooking To Bang was an Olympic event, JD just won the gold. CUE “Oh, Canada!” Read the rest of this entry »
With much respect to Jane’s Addiction. Better music to bang to there could not be. Nothing beats a summertime roll in the hay. Summer sex is sweaty, sticky, and sumptuous. When all have been said and done properly, some light fare is in order. The summer appetite is for something light and refreshing. Heavy, saucy things just don’t do a body warmed by the sun good. That was my conclusion after hiking through the Angkor Wat and Thom ruins all day in the blazing Cambodian heat. The Canadian backpacking aspiring anthropologist/stone cold hottie I met by the tree growing out of the cracks of a crumbled temple and I collapsed into a booth at an empty restaurant when we got back to Siem Riep. Ms. Canada held up two fingers up and we were brought two Angkor beers and two shrimp spring rolls. The nibbles recharged my aching body and overwhelmed sense of wonder. It also got the ball rolling on a beautiful evening performing a clothing optional duet of “Oh, Canada!” Read the rest of this entry »
I embrace criticism in all forms because it makes me improve my creative output. Most of my readers offer fantastic suggestions on recipes, photography tips, and occasionally their phone numbers so they get their own personal CTB servicing. But I get my share of hate mail, which honestly pleases me more than the love letters from Russian heiresses offering to pick me up in their leer jets. Hate mail lets me know I’m doing something right by creating controversy, making people think, and getting under their skin. The last great hate note one was from a RELIGIOUS WOMAN, whose opinions I respect, but don’t agree with. Below is a note from Sue in Canada who says:
You are a sick fuck. This website is not only disrespectful to women, but food is also sacred. it is clear you have too much time on your hands, among other things, i.e. your own dick as you have time to take pictures and number your ingredients… which by the way are a cheaters way of cooking. make your own salsa you lazy pig.
Allow me to retort, Sue:
Disrespectful to women:
Cook To Bang encourages men (also women) to break from the misogynist notion that “a woman’s place is in the kitchen.” The gender roles have been thus reversed. You see, I am a feminist at heart. I even took a Women’s Studies course in college. Note to my collegiate male audience: these classes rival yoga classes as the best place to pick up chicks.
Food is sacred:
I couldn’t agree more. Food is the great equalizer. I am an average looking guy without a vault full of cash to pay for five-star restaurant dates. Yet I tap top shelf ass thanks to my ability to create magic in the kitchen.
Too much time on your hands:
It’s true. I do. I started CTB after getting laid off. So I treat this like a job and work very hard to maintain my following with 5 recipes a week. Now I reap the benefits of all that time on my hands with a BOOK DEAL, among other lucrative opportunities I am cannot discuss in such a public forum.
i.e. Your own dick:
Now you’re losing your temper, and thus losing the argument by being nasty. The beauty of the CTB method is I don’t need to choke my own chicken. The girls I cook for are in charge of that department.
Make your own salsa you lazy pig:
I am indeed lazy now that I don’t have to work 40 hours a week. But a pig I am not since I exercise regularly thanks to all that time on my hands. As for making my own salsa, take your pick of these outstanding recipes: HORIZONTAL MAMBO MANGO SALSA SIMPLY SEXY SALSA WHO’S YOUR PAPAYA SALSA?
So Sue, thank you again for this most amusing, albeit vitriolic commentary on my life’s work. I can only assume it’s been a while since you had a proper rogering. If you are hot (verify with picture), and willing to visit me in California, I might consider Cooking To Bang you. We’ll call it community service. It might even be tax deductible.
With a whisk and a kiss,
The Cook To Bang Chef
If this recipe title isn’t obvious enough, I was up in French Canada. Just call me the ambassador of morally bankrupt American diplomacy. In other words, I’m your typical ambassador. The fact I wasn’t given a motorcade and a villa with a masseuse and sushi chef is beyond me. So I did what I always, make do in style. I befriended a pair of Salopes at an art gallery who invited me over for a barbecue the next day. A bag of shrimp and I was in the door, rifling through their fridge to make something work. The ingredients below are what they had, and thank god for that! My new friends were impressed. One insisted I stay with her for a few days. Canadian-American relations have never been better.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or beer
1. 1 onion chopper coarsely
2. 2 tbsp olive oil
3. 1 dash red CHILI flakes
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1 dash salt
6. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
7. 1 handful parsley chopped
8. 1 lb large SHRIMP in shells
9. ¼ lemon
Marinate the shrimp with garlic, lemon juice, salt, paprika, red chili flakes, and 1 tbsp olive oil (approx 10 min).
Saute the onions in the remaining olive oil until translucent (approx 3 min). Add the shrimp, spreading them out. Flip the shrimp when they pinken (approx 2 min per side). Throw in the parsley and cook another minute.
Serve these shrimp solo or with a SALAD.