April 11, 2016
- Don’t forget the milk with them titties
Give it up for KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES. They are stupidly simple to make, show imagination and a touch of humor, the essentially ingredient in attraction. If you’re a guy, these say, “I love your breasts so much I had to commemorate them with a high calorie treat.” If you’re a woman, the cookies say, “Just to remind you how amazing my breasts are, take a nibble, baby.” Everybody wins with these edible mammaries! An added bonus is that you can make a ton of these if you are dating more than one person. Plus they make great gifts for your friends, coworkers and family that aren’t easily offended. You best get baking.
Ingredients (makes 20-30 cookies):
1. 1 cup of brown sugar
2. 1 cup of white sugar
3. 1¼ cups of flour
4. ½ teaspoon of baking soda
5. ½ teaspoon of baking powder
6. ½ cup of peanut butter
7. 1 teaspoon of vanilla
8. ½ cup of honey
9. 2 eggs
10. Hershey Kisses
11. ½ cup of margarine or butter
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Mix the butter/margarine and peanut butter. Mix in the eggs and vanilla. Next mix the baking powder, baking soda, honey, white and brown sugars. Finally mix the flour in (the mixture will be thick so be careful not to burn out the engine if you use a hand blender).
Unwrap all the Hershey Kisses and set aside. Roll small balls of cookie dough the side of walnuts in their shells. Set two balls side by side, leaving a ½ inch between them. Make sure each pair has enough room to expand. Bake 7 to 9 minutes until the edges of the cookies brown. Remove from the oven and transfer onto wax paper to cool, immediately setting 2 Kisses on each cookie. After a minute, pinch the tips and push down softly until you get your desire areola look. Allow to cool, then package for gifts or each with milk, soymilk or by itself.
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: baking, bang, biscuits, bra, breasts, cheap, chocolate, Christmas, classy, cookies, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, Hanukah, Hershey Kisses, ho ho ho, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, lover, naked, peanut butter, Peanut butter chocolate cookies, present, romance, Santa, save money, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful, sweet, tits | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 14, 2016
Serve senoritas bonitas fajitas
Cactus isn’t just an icon of the American Southwest. It isn’t just a sharp nuisance that plagues the likes of Wile E. Coyote. No, mi amigos. Cactus is also the source of water when you are lost in the dessert. It can be used as a weapon to protect yourself from Area 51 aliens or the worm creatures from Tremors. But few recognize that it is damn tasty and mighty nutritious. I learned this when I was visiting relatives in Santa Fe from a beautiful mixed Mexican/Native American girl named Lupita. She thought I was funny and for some reason invited me to her mother’s adobe pueblo for lunch. My gringo senses were shocked to see Lupita’s mama slicing up a cactus nopales she cut off massive peyote cactus in their front yard. It was love at first bite. The taste of this imaginative style of fajitas got my mind and loins racing. Sadly, Lupita is a good Catholic girl and did not fall for my charms. I instead plotted how to make this dish my own so I could employ it on my future Lupitas. This dish rarely fails to impress and inspire my dates…to get naked.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Cerveza and more cerveza!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cactus nopales
3. 2 teaspoons of fajita seasoning
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. 1 onion chopped into long strips
6. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
7. 1 pound of chicken cut into bit sized strips
8. 1 handful of shredded jack cheese
9. ½ sliced avocado
10. 6 corn tortillas heated (not pictured)
Sprinkle the chicken with 1 teaspoon of the fajita seasoning and allow the flavor to absorb (approx 5 minutes). Stir fry the chicken in olive oil and cook through. Set aside.
Slice off the cactus spikes, skin and edges, then cut into strips. Heat olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the onion until they soften (approx 2 minutes), then toss in the cactus and tomatoes, and sprinkle 1 teaspoon of fajitas seasoning. Stir it around until the tomatoes dissolve and become a spicy sauce coating the onions and cactus (approx 4 minutes). Set aide.
Create a fajita filling station that will give your date(s) an option of what to take. This will allow vegetarians and vegans to assemble something unobjectionable. With any luck, there will be plenty of objectionable activities to follow.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, cactus, Cactus fajita recipe, chicken, chicken fajita recipe, chicken fajitas, delicious, dessert, easy, entree, fajita, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, mexican, naked, nopales, olive oil, onion, poultry, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy, taco, tasty, tomato, tortilla, vegetarian, wrap, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 14, 2016
Taste the love!
The day is upon us. Tis a day so loaded with sentiment and expectation that you can cut the anxiety with a knife. The romantically inclined celebrate V Day as if you combined the significance of Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, Quanza, New Years and Groundhog Day. A single rose or the karats in a diamond become more important than the cures for cancer, the failing economy and erectile dysfunction. It CAN be a beautiful thing.
But I advise the players out there to turn off your phone, unplug your computer and, if necessary, fake your own death. Get off the grid for a few days. Let the Romantic Armageddon pass you by while you play Nintendo in your fallout shelter. Otherwise you are inviting a shit-storm by being disingenuous. What’s the point? The consequences will extend way past February and may involve a restraining order because your car brakes were cut. There are 364 other days to get laid without propping up your carnal connection as genuine lovemaking.
All cynicism aside, Valentines Day provides an amazing opportunity to COOK TO BANG. Sure you can go to some fancy restaurant. But why? You’ll drop your whole paycheck on the check for overpriced, crappy food and service. And that’s if you can even get a reservation. Keep it casual at your place and you are sure to have a great meal, plus round upon round of monkey sex. The extra effort you put into cooking something exceptional from scratch will demonstrate you truly do care, even if you don’t. With that in mind, below are some CTB favorites that will send the right message, whatever that message might be:
“SORRY I HAD A THREESOME WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND AND SISTER.”
So you messed up big time. Wipe the smirk off your face because now that you’ve gone to heaven, you have to crawl your way out of hell. It’s time to pull out the big guns and prove that you deserve a second, third or tenth chance:
FLAT ON YOUR BACK FLATBREAD PIZZA
PINCH YOUR ASS-BERRY BROWNIES
“IF IT WASN’T VALENTINES DAY I WOULD HAVE DUMPED YOU ALREADY.”
You meant to end things before Christmas, but you thought that seemed cruel. Then their cat died in January. So now it’s V Day and while their voice makes you want to go postal, you must bide your time before you say adieu. Go for the bare minimum, but try to avoid the inevitable nagging and save yourself a few bucks for when you become single:
LET’S BANG S’MORE
“YOU’RE JUST A BOOTIE CALL”
Same sentiment as above. This person falls into the category “If You Don’t Love Somebody, Love the One You’re With.” Bootie calls are a fragile relationship. They haven’t met your friends and family for good reason. Don’t give the impression they ever will. But at the same time, don’t ever let that on, even if it seems obvious since you have never called them before 11pm:
TOMATILLOS PARA MIS AMIGOS BENEFICIOS
KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES
“HAVE WE REALLY BEEN DATING FOR 4 YEARS?”
Yes, I’m afraid so. Clearly this relationship is an extended fling you both have just gotten used to. But that doesn’t mean you can just opt out of this most romantic of days. And since you are clearly just going through the motions, try this menu out. You might just eke out a little pleasure-free sport-fucking.
YES WE CAN-TALOUPE!
SUCK-ULENT SUSHI SINWICH
LECHEROUS LEMON BARS
“I KICKED EVERYONE ELSE TO THE CURB FOR YOU.”
So you are a reformed player now. You burned your black book, canceled your Internet dating account, and said goodbye to your stable of sexpots. The person you are with is just that much better than those other bimbos/mimbos. Show them how you feel with a menu that says “You’re worth not having great sex with a different person every night.”
TAP THAT ASS-PARAGUS SOUP
BEGGIN’ FOR BACON WRAPPED SCALLOPS
BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES
“WE JUST STARTED DATING, BUT I REALLY REALLY DIG YOU!”
Head over heels, are we? Glad to hear it. It’s time to show them just how spectacular they are. Clearly this relationship is new and you don’t want to come on too strong. But you want to plant seeds that will blossom into two trees intertwined. So dazzle them without overwhelming them with a little culinary flare.
DON’T ARTICHOKE YOUR CHICKEN
MISO HORNY COD
DOUBLE DIP THE TIP IN CHOCOLATE
“WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
It’s time to pop the question. You’re thinking, “So what if proposing on Valentines Day is cliché?” Forget the haters, put your player days behind you, and get on your knees…after you serve up something special.
CAMBODIAN LOVE ROLLS
SMACK MY BISQUE UP
MACKA-DADDY-A CRUSTED AHI WITH PONZU ISRAELI COUSCOUS
STROKE MY BANANA FOSTER
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: ahi, aphrodisiac, appetizer, asparagus soup, Balsamic strawberry recipe, Bananas Foster, bang, best friend, bisque, bootie call, brownie, cambodian, cantaloupe, chocolate, cod, cookies, delicious, dessert, dinner, drinks, easy, fish, friends with benefits, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, Lemon bar recipe, Miso cod recipe, naked, obama, Peanut butter chocolate cookies, pizza, Portobello mushroom, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, Shrimp mango bisque, simple, sister, smores, soup, Spaghetti bolognaise, spaghetti bolognese, spring rolls, Steamed artichoke recipe, supper, sushi, Sushi sandwich recipe, tasty, threesome, tomatillos, tuna, valentines day, wrapped cantaloupe recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 13, 2016
Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.
Rice pudding is comfort food. Comfort = connection. Connection= banging. You can’t argue with sound logic. Granted, rice pudding isn’t as sexy as a chocolate soufflé or crème brule. But it warms the heart and inspires the mind. That is the conclusion I came to when I served this dessert to a date I assumed was a total prude. She was a colder fish than the chilled cocktail shrimp I served as an appetizer. Not even the MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE could get her to flirt back. I was ready to admit defeat (something I rarely do) and show her to the door. But then I broke out the rice pudding I had chilling in the fridge. The ice in my frigid date’s heart and the block of ice between her legs thawed. She made the first move and the second and…let’s just say I felt a little violated after. Good thing I had more rice pudding to comfort me when she left after using me for sex. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, indian, mexican, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, brown sugar, cinnamon, cold fish, comfort food, dairy, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, frigid, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, milk, naked, nutmeg, poon, prude, raisins, recipe, rice, rice pudding poontang, rice pudding recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sweet, tasty, vanilla extract, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 26, 2015
Bang that turkey until it's goes gobble gobble gobble!
It’s time for the orphan round up! Many young professional go-getters moved far away from home to chase down a dream…and then bang it senseless. For us, going “home”, that place we grew up where our families and oldest friends are, is an impossibility. For most, it’s a matter of cash, or lack there of (too much cash spent drinking and chasing tail). It could be a matter of time (I’d rather drink), distance (That far for 4 days?!), or annoyance (If I hear dad ask me to explain my job one more time…). Whatever the case may be, you are sticking around for a stay-cation and will be attending a Friends Thanksgiving. What a perfect time to get banged by Little Orphan Annie or Andy!
Now’s the time to pounce on that someone you’ve had your eye on, or one your eye spots this evening. Lonely and single people eating and drinking together is a recipe for magical mistakes. Everyone there including you will be missing your families and seeking comfort. Who are you to deny a holiday hottie the warmth of your bed? You have so much to be thankful for. Show some gratitude by cooking to bang this holiday season. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | holidays, SEDUCTION, THANKSGIVING | Tagged: appetizers, bang, banging, bangsgiving, delicious, dessert, DIY, drinks, easy, food, friends thanksgiving, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, holiday thanksgiving, holidays, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, little orphan annie, naked, orphans, recipe, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dishes, sides, soup, starters, tasty, unsalted vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 25, 2015
I’ll be humping and pumpkin out pies all night long!
Bangsgiving is upon us! It’s time to prepare yourself for a night of indulgence. While the family-values singles makes their way home to justify to their families why they aren’t married with kids yet, there is a large sect of the dating population that ain’t going nowhere. Friends Thanksgivings are a time for those of us “orphans” too poor, lazy or unwilling to make the trek to see our disapproving families. These are perfect times for the savvy and horny people to eat, drink and make merry mistakes. There are usually a few hotties missing their folks back home who will need some comforting. That’s where you come in! Blow their mind with a pumpkin pie bolder and sexier (aphrodisiac triple-threat) than even Aunt Sue-Ellen’s prized pie of ‘07. Once they’ve tasted a sweet piece of heaven, they will go for seconds…of you.
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Fermented turkey gravy or NAUGHTY EGGNOG
Ingredients (creates 2 pies):
1. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
2. 20-OZ condensed milk
3. ½ tsp salt
4. 1/3 cup HONEY
5. 1 cinnamon stick
6. 1 tsp vanilla extract
7. 1 tsp ground nutmeg
8. 4 eggs
9. 1 pie pumpkin
10. ½ cup brown sugar
11. 2 pie crusts (room temperature)
12. 1 tbsp fresh GINGER finely chopped
13. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
Preheat the oven to 425°F/220°C. Slice the pumpkin in half, scoop out the innards, steam until the pumpkin meat can easily be pierced (approx 15 min), and then scoop the gunk out of the shell.
Add the ginger to the pumpkin gunk and puree. Add the brown sugar, butter, honey, vanilla extract, nutmeg, condensed milk, salt and eggs and puree like a champ.
Form the pie crust to your pie pan. Ladle in the pie filling, leaving room at the top. Stick the cinnamon stick in the middle of the pie in the dough so it stands at attention as if being aroused.
Bake for 10 minutes, remove from the oven and scatter the pine nuts over the top. Turn the heat down to 350°F/175°C and throw the pie back into oven, baking until the top browns and you can push a bread knife into the pie and it comes out clean (approx 45-55 min).
Serve the pie up with whipped cream, ice cream or solo. You’re that good!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, holidays, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, THANKSGIVING, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, aphrodisiac pumpkin pie, bake, bang, banging, bangsgiving, brown sugar, cinnamon stick, condensed milk, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, eggs, food, friends thanksgiving, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, gourmet pumkin pie recipe, ground nutmeg, guarantee, homemade, homemade pumpkin pie, honey, humpin’ and pumkin pie recipe, intercourse, kitchen, libido, merry mistakes, naked, orphan thanksgivings. homesick, pie crust, pie pumkin, pine nuts, pumpkin pie recipe, recipe, salt, savvy, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sue-ellen, sweet, tasty, THANKSGIVING, unsalted butter, vanilla, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 4, 2015
Poof go the panties!
Some desserts inspire you to moan with pleasure. Others make you close your eyes and take in all the flavors. But there are some desserts so damn tasty that your underwear disappears. Meet these Frenchy French poached pears sure to set back the Celebrities Keep Your Panties On Organization a decade. As soon as the herpes harpies like Lindsay, Britney, and Paris take a bite, the upskirt paparazzi patrol will be out in force. My apologies for exposing the world to such villainy. But alas, you can use this dessert as a powerful Hail Mary in your arsenal when your date is resisting your bang campaign. Warning: Side effects will include your underwear vanishing too.
Total time: Approximately 25 minutes (or longer if you refrigerate overnight)
Projected cost: $7
Drinking buddy: Champagne
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 cup cheap red wine
2. 1/2 cup white sugar
3. 2 pears
4. 1 lemon
5. 4 cloves
Peel, halve, and core the pears.
On med-low heat, pour in the wine and sugar. Zest the lemon and squeeze in the juice. Toss in the cloves. Bring to a boil, and then lower heat to a simmer.
Put the pear halves, flat end down, and poach for 10 minutes. Flip the pear halves over and poach the rounded halves for another 10 minutes. Remove the pears and reduce the wine sauce by half. Pour the sauce over the pears. You can either serve immediately with ice cream or refrigerate overnight and enjoy cold.
5 Comments | french, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, Britney spears, Celebrities Keep Your Panties On Organization, cloves, cook, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, french, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hail mary, herpes harpies, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, Lindsay lohan, naked, pantyless, pantyless poached pears, paparazzi, paris Hilton, pears, poach, recipe, red wine, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side effects, sweet, tasty, underwear, upskirt, vegan, vegetarian, white sugar, wine poached pears recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 18, 2015
Ram that graham and until your lover say, "Dammmmn!"
Much props goes out to PRISCILLA in Charlotte, NC for this confection concoction. I first made this dessert while I was doing a CTB Home Invasion at her pad. Homegirl had so much great food to work with it was embarrassment of riches. The ladies atteneding all did agree that it was pretty damn delicious. Whodathunk such a random commingling of goods would kick such ass? The graham rammed itself down everybody’s throats with not a complaint in the mix. It’s as if it came to life, wooed each and every one of us individually, and then banged us sweetly. I want to say I was taken advantage of, perhaps violated. But that would be a lie. All witnesses can attest that I was flirting with my dessert all night. Every few minutes I’d be checking it out in the oven, fondling it, cooing sweet nothings about how banging it looked. I woke up in an empty bed with nothing but graham and coconut crumbs and a note that read: Thanks for the memories! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | dairy, RECIPES, southern, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, butter, charlotte, crumbs, ctb, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, golden grahams, gourmet, graham krispies, guarantee, home invasion, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, marshmallows, naked, north Carolina, Priscilla, ram that graham, random, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shredded coconut, sweet nothings, sweet temptation, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 26, 2015
We scream for sex dreams!
Ever had post-banging munchies so severe you considered eating an entire package of edible panties? It’s a goddamn epidemic! Evasive action is necessary to replenish those calories you burned in the throes of unbridled lust. Since few people have enough raspberry flavored underwear, might I point you in the way of the kitchen? It’s that room that some people put food in. The quickest way to return to the task at hand is speed and efficiency. You want the most flavor per time allotted. Nothing cools you down after steamy summer sex like an ice cream sandwich crowned with strawberries. So get back to the screaming, dreaming and orgasm-gleaming! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, summer, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: bang, banging, chocolate chip cookie, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, fast, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, I scream you scream sinwich recipe, ice cream sandwich recipe, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, on the go, post-coital, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, strawberries, sweet, tasty, unbridled lust, vanilla ice cream, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 31, 2015
Groovy booty, fresh and fruity
You’ve done good tonight. A for effort! All the effort you put into the meal should have earned you enough street cred by now to make the move. But should you choose the road of sweet temptation, try this ridiculously easy dessert. It’s great solo or with ice cream, but also compliments many meals like Orangasmic Catfish. You will appear to be a kitchen god who cooks like a champ so probably bangs like a champ too. Be sure to allow time to roast while your date enjoys the magnificent maestro’s meal.
1. 2 mangoes
2. 1 tablespoon of brown sugar
3. 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
4. 1 dollup of honey
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cut the mango in half, remove the pit, leave the skin and cut bite size piece into the mango meat.
Add the brown sugar, cinnamon and honey into the holes where the mango pits were.
Cook in the oven for 35-45 minutes until the honey, brown sugar and cinnamon becomes a gooey syrup.
By now your kitchen should smell great, which should impress the hell out of your lucky date. Serve it up with other food or ice cream and before you know it…BANG!
• This recipe can also be made with peaches, nectarines or apples where you hollow out the core so the gooeyness can take it off the chain!
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: a la mode, cinnamon, dessert, fruit, gooey, honey, ice cream, mango, roasted, side dish, sugar, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang