February 22, 2016
Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores
Yowch! Sorry about that. I thought I was pinching someone else’s ass. But it felt so right to have my thumb and index finger sampling your goods. Not bad at all. Now that we’ve gotten past the whole digital sexual harassment woes, you hungry? Figured the drooling, stomach growling and eye fucking my food had to mean something. This spoiling eggplant came through in a pinch. While I recommend cooking with fresh ingredients, we gotta make do in this flaccid economy. Hence, we cook your meals at home and reap the randy rewards. Once roasted, this reborn eggplant brought joy to two very hungry, horny people. Both of our tushes were pinched, spanked and a few things you don’t want to know about.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Crisp white wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash cumin
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 2 tbsp tahini (sesame paste)
6. 1 large eggplant
7. 2-3 pitas
8. ½ lemon juice
9. 1 handful parsley chopped
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 handful de-pitted kalamata olives
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Poke eggplant with a fork like a prison-shivving. Throw the abused eggplant into the oven and cook until it softens (approx 30 min). Let the eggplant cool down, then split and scoop out the meat.
Puree the cooked eggplant with lemon juice, tahini, parsley, olives, garlic, olive oil, salt, cumin and black pepper.
Cut the pita into little pie pieces and arrange around a plate. Slap the babaganoush right in the middle and serve it up with some foreplay.
August 7, 2015
How about a hot date on your plate?
Don’t be shy. Do the cha cha across the kitchen, through the dining room, and on into the bedroom. Nice moves, slick! I had no idea two left feet just meant a whole lot of cha cha-ing around and around. Keep it up. Move with confidence. There is no clearer way to get what your lustful little heart desires. Serving up a Middle East feast will surely earn you some brownie points, especially if you’re eying some sexy little thing in a hijab. A better recipe there could not be for breaking down their religion’s ordained celibacy one bite at a time. That is when you will really need your cha cha A-game to pull off the implausible. To any jihadists reading, please understand this is tongue-in-cheek face and not meant to inspire martyrdom in my kitchen. Allah akbar, my friends!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red vino or POMMELONTINI BIKINI
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 tbsp tahini
3. 1 lemon
4. 2 chicken breasts
5. 5 dates
6. 6 1 handful minced shallots
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 dash sea salt (not pictured)
Marinate the chicken in 1/2 lemon of juice and sea salt (approx 10 min). Chop the chicken into bite-sized pieces.
Sauté the garlic and shallots in olive oil on medium heat (approx 1 min). Remove the date pits and chop finely. Throw the dates, tahini, and remaining lemon juice into the pan. Cook until the juice evaporates and it is the consistency of paste (approx 3 min). Add the chicken and cook thoroughly so the sauce coats the meat (approx 4 min).
If you are rocking cous cous with your chicken, you are stoked! Lay the cous cous evenly over the plate. Create a hole in the middle and fill it with your chicken.
Wowzers! This is one bona fide feast fit for a player of your caliber.