jihadist | Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid

Cook To Bang – Recipes To Get You Laid

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DATEY CHICKEN CHA CHA

August 7, 2015

How about a hot date on your plate?

Don’t be shy. Do the cha cha across the kitchen, through the dining room, and on into the bedroom. Nice moves, slick! I had no idea two left feet just meant a whole lot of cha cha-ing around and around. Keep it up. Move with confidence. There is no clearer way to get what your lustful little heart desires. Serving up a Middle East feast will surely earn you some brownie points, especially if you’re eying some sexy little thing in a hijab. A better recipe there could not be for breaking down their religion’s ordained celibacy one bite at a time. That is when you will really need your cha cha A-game to pull off the implausible. To any jihadists reading, please understand this is tongue-in-cheek face and not meant to inspire martyrdom in my kitchen. Allah akbar, my friends!

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red vino or POMMELONTINI BIKINI

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 tbsp tahini
3. 1 lemon
4. 2 chicken breasts
5. 5 dates
6. 6 1 handful minced shallots
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 dash sea salt (not pictured)

Step 1
Marinate the chicken in 1/2 lemon of juice and sea salt (approx 10 min). Chop the chicken into bite-sized pieces.

Step 2
Sauté the garlic and shallots in olive oil on medium heat (approx 1 min). Remove the date pits and chop finely. Throw the dates, tahini, and remaining lemon juice into the pan. Cook until the juice evaporates and it is the consistency of paste (approx 3 min). Add the chicken and cook thoroughly so the sauce coats the meat (approx 4 min).

Step 3
If you are rocking cous cous with your chicken, you are stoked! Lay the cous cous evenly over the plate. Create a hole in the middle and fill it with your chicken.

Wowzers! This is one bona fide feast fit for a player of your caliber.

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Posted by cooktobang

RUB MY BUTTERCUPS

February 19, 2010

Rub a dub dub, let's bang after this grub

Feel that. Cup your hand and take it all in. Yeah, that’s nice right? I worked hard to firm up my buttercups just so. This I assure you is no accident. Take another and another. You can’t resist, can you? I don’t blame you. With this much sex appeal turbo-loaded into one little dessert, I have a hard time leaving the house. You really don’t have to when you have such a delicious bait to lure the luckies in who get to bang you after eating your kitchen’s delights. Brownie/peanut butter cookie hybrids are dangerous and should not be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. Jihadists and ex-KGB scientists alike could destroy the world with sweet satisfaction. That much unchecked power can overwhelm even the most ethical of culinary Casanovas. So when you’re getting your buttercups rubbed, remember that with great flavor comes great responsibility.

Total time: approximately 60 minutes
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Milk

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 3/4 cups brown sugar
3. 3/4 cup cocoa
4. 1 tsp salt
5. 2 tsp vanilla extract
6. 1/2 cup HONEY
7. 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
8. 1/2 cup peanut butter
9. 3/4 tsp baking powder
10. 4 eggs
11. 2 sticks butter

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 375°F/190°C. Sift together 3/4 cups flour, cocoa mix, 3/4 cups brown sugar, salt and 1/4 tsp baking powder. Melt 1 stick of butter and beat in 2 eggs, and 1tsp vanilla extract. Mix the eggs/butter combination with the dry cocoa/flour/sugar mix into a batter. Blend in the chocolate chips and you have mind-blowing batter that you can bake or lick off your date.

Step 2
Grease a large baking pan and spread the brownie batter flat. Bake solo until the brown batter begins to harden (approx 25 min).

Step 3
Melt the remaining stick of butter and mix with the peanut butter. Mix in the remaining 2 eggs and 1 tsp vanilla. Next mix the 1/4 tsp baking powder, honey, and 2 cups brown sugar. Finally mix in the 1 1/4 cups flour.

Step 4
Carefully pour out and spread the peanut butter brownie, making sure not to unsettle the brownie bottom. Bake in the oven until the peanut butter cookie top cooks all the way through (approx 30 min). You should be able to poke a toothpick all the way through without getting any batter. Allow them cool before cutting and serving.