February 22, 2016
Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores
Yowch! Sorry about that. I thought I was pinching someone else’s ass. But it felt so right to have my thumb and index finger sampling your goods. Not bad at all. Now that we’ve gotten past the whole digital sexual harassment woes, you hungry? Figured the drooling, stomach growling and eye fucking my food had to mean something. This spoiling eggplant came through in a pinch. While I recommend cooking with fresh ingredients, we gotta make do in this flaccid economy. Hence, we cook your meals at home and reap the randy rewards. Once roasted, this reborn eggplant brought joy to two very hungry, horny people. Both of our tushes were pinched, spanked and a few things you don’t want to know about.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Crisp white wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash cumin
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 2 tbsp tahini (sesame paste)
6. 1 large eggplant
7. 2-3 pitas
8. ½ lemon juice
9. 1 handful parsley chopped
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 handful de-pitted kalamata olives
Step 1
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Poke eggplant with a fork like a prison-shivving. Throw the abused eggplant into the oven and cook until it softens (approx 30 min). Let the eggplant cool down, then split and scoop out the meat.
Step 2
Puree the cooked eggplant with lemon juice, tahini, parsley, olives, garlic, olive oil, salt, cumin and black pepper.
Step 3
Cut the pita into little pie pieces and arrange around a plate. Slap the babaganoush right in the middle and serve it up with some foreplay.
Leave a Comment » | 
healthy, Middle Eastern, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: Armenian, baba ganoush, babaganoush recipe, bang, banging, black pepper, condo, condom-ments, cumin, delicious, DIY, easy, finger, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, flaccid economy, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, horny, intercourse, kalamata olives, kitchen, large eggplant, lemon, libido, Middle Eastern, naked, olive oil, parsley, pinch your tush, pita, puree, reborn, recipe, roasted, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sexual harassment, spoiling, tahini, tasty, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
November 23, 2015
Getting randy with candied carrots is dandy.
Carrots are often overlooked as an unsexy, utilitarian vegetable. You might think the coolest thing to do with it is make a nose for Frosty the Snowman. Bully to that I say. Those suckers have never enjoyed the sweet, tender taste of a carrot candied to perfection. They have never used carrots as a side dish so sensational that the entrée looks like a chump. Once they’ve felt their knees knock, toes curl, and eyes roll into the back of their head, they will never sully the good name of carrots again. The beta-carotene alone helping you see your lover clearly in the dark should be reason enough. It’s all about those sweet and savory flavors one-upping each other to give you the first of many oral orgasms. Tongues spasming and dreamy eyes gazing are to be expected. This may not be the most appropriate Christmas dinner side dish considering these Randy Candied Carrots could inspire Grandma to discuss in detail her flings with jazzmen in 40’s nightclubs. But rest assured, you will be the much-lauded champ wherever you bring these.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on the entrée, but tis the season for vino
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 bunch carrots
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash cumin
6. 1/4 stick butter
7. 1 tbsp brown sugar
8. 1 cinnamon stick
9. 1 orange
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Cut the ends off the carrots, wash them and set them in a baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast until the carrots soften (approx 30 min).
Step 2
Halfway through the carrot roasting, melt the butter in a pan, adding the cinnamon stick. Peel or zest the orange so you have small slivers. Cut the orange in half. Throw the orange zest, brown sugar, cumin and orange juice in the pan and cook on low until reduce by half (approx 10 min). Add the carrots and stir around in the candied glazy goodness (approx 10 min).
Leave a Comment » | holidays, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: 1940’s, bang, banging, beta-carotene, black pepper, brown sugar, butter, calivirgin, candied carrots recipe, carrots, cinnamon, citrus, cumin, delicious, DIY, dreamy, easy, food, frosty the snowman, game changer, get laid, glazy, gourmet, gourmet candied carrots, grandma, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jazzmen, juice, kitchen, libido, marinate, naked, nightclubs, olive oil, orange, randy, Randy candied carrots, recipe, roast, salt, sauté, savory, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spasming, sweet, tasty, utilitarian, vitamin c, yummy, zest | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 21, 2015
Shrimping and pimping and bed sheet crimping
It’s time to apply the philosophy of MTV’s Pimp My Ride to your dinner. Say you have a taco recipe that is so-so. Your tacos will feed hungry people, but chances are no one you’ve served them to have torn off their clothes to show their appreciation. That is a damn shame Cook To Bang will rectify. We’re taking a simple taco recipe, supping it up with aphrodisiac-laden flavor, and letting that shit ride across your plates then down your gullets faster than you can say, “I’ll get some protection.” I learned a similar recipe while acting a fool in Baja California chasing senoritas while downing margaritas. These tacos sure made my beach side dalliances more enjoyable. I smuggled the recipe across the border along with some fireworks and KABOOM! Pleasant pimpin’. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, Baja California, bang, banging, bbq, beachside, black pepper, cabbage, corn tortillas, cumin, delicious, DIY, easy, fireworks, food, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, grill, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kaboom, kitchen, libido, margarita, mexican, mexico, mtv, naked, oregano, pimp my ride, pimp my shrimp taco recipe, protection, recipe, salsa, salt, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, senoritas, sex, shrimp, shrimp taco recipe, smuggle, taco, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 19, 2015
You say Menudo, I say Backstreet Boys, Serve them up at 98 Degrees
What’s the first thing you think of when I say MENUDO? You probably are thinking about a crappy Latin boy band from the 80’s. This is truly unfortunate. You are letting outdated pop culture byproducts cloud your judgment. Let me educate you unfortunate souls on menudo mix. This simple Mexican blend of herbs and spices (oregano, crushed red pepper flakes, onion powder, cumin, and onion powder) can take some dishes from bueno to AY CARUMBA! Like Ricky Martin’s career, this is certainly the case with this dish. Shrimp have the glorious ability to absorb almost any flavor into its awesome texture. Keep them in their shells and you will have flavor to spare. You just have to bring the same amount of flare into the bedroom as Menudo brought on stage for the millions of 80’s teenage girls in their neon leggings and jelly shoes. I have faith in you. So next time you think about Menudo, eat without prejudice. Read the rest of this entry »
9 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, mexican, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: 80’s, Antoine, aphrodisiac, atkins, bang, boy band, cumin, delicious, DIY, easy, flavor, game changer, get laid, gourmet, Grilled shrimp recipe, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jelly shoes, kitchen, leggings, lemon, menudo mix, menudo shrimp recipe, mexican, mexico, naked, neon, olive oil, onion powder, oregano, recipe, red pepper, Ricky martin, salt, seafood, seduce, sex, shrimp, south beach diet, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 14, 2013
Holy mole, Batman! You got Cat Woman and Poison Ivy right where you want them: making out on your bed.
I hope you’re not too busy because your calendar is about to get busy. Learn to make this dish right and you won’t be lacking in dinner dates for a long time. Meet the enchanting Mexican mole. The chili/chocolate APHRODISIAC double play rides backseat to the powerful array of flavors rocking this dish. The Aztec, Italian, Spanish and Mexican cultures together inspired what became a literal melting pot of delicious cuisine. Chicken will never be the same after you bake it in what is in essence spicy chocolate sauce. Mole has warmed up my winter turning my street cred platinum. I have hotties I barely know inquiring via facebook when I’ll make them say “Holy mole!” Soon. Very soon. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, RECIPES | Tagged: amigo, bang, cayenne, chicken, Chicken mole recipe, chipotle, chocolate, cinnamon, cumin, delicious, easy, fancy, flavorful, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, mexican, Mexican mole recipe, mexico, mo lays chicken mole, naked, ole, onion, peanut butter, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 2, 2012
With this soup, you’ll always say, “Check mate!”
You are looking oh so fine!
I’ll warm you up and make you mine,
Ignore these less than stellar rhymes,
Just say yes to a little wine and dine!
Your creamy texture makes me yell,
I get all bent for your spicy smell,
Orgasms peak at the dinner bell,
Making the pious say, “What the hell?”
You make a player from a leper
A cocky bastard from a half-stepper
I collect coin with every endeavor
Cause you’re my little bell pepper.
Total time: approximately 80 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: LECHEROUS LEPRECHAUN
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ tsp of CAYENNE PEPPER
2. ½ tsp of cumin
3. 1 can of chicken stock (veg for vegan)
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. ½ can of coconut milk
6. Black pepper to taste
7. ½ tsp of garlic salt
8. 3 red bell peppers
9. 1 onion chopped coarsely
Step 1
Roast the bell peppers in the oven at 400 degrees F until the skin blackens (approx 45 min). Remove from oven and throw them in a sealed bag. Refrigerate until they cool (approx 15 min), remove the skin and chop coarsely.
Step 2
While awaiting the peppers to cool, sauté the onions with the olive oil on medium heat. Add the garlic salt, cayenne pepper and cumin and cook in the flavor (approx 5 min). Add the red bell peppers and the black pepper and let them soak up some taste (approx 2 min).
Step 3
Pour in the stock, bring to a roaring boil, and then simmer closed until the veggies soften (approx 15 min). Puree the madness and then add the coconut milk and stir thoroughly.
2 Comments | RECIPES | Tagged: bang, banging, black pepper, cayenne pepper, chicken stock, cocky bastard, coconut milk, cumin, delicious, DIY, easy, endeavor, fine as hell bell pepper soup recipe, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, orgasm, poem, poetry, puree, recipe, red bell pepper, rhyme, roasted bell pepper soup recipe, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy, tasty, thai style bell pepper soup, vegan, vegetable stock, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 23, 2010
Ain't no peewees with these kiwis.
Much props to New Zealanders for being so lovable. Here’s looking at you Bret and Jemaine! Those kiwis are a treat to be around, especially in their home turf. I visited Queenstown, NZ a while back and was taken a back by the natural beauty of the place. The mountains and lakes and rivers and shit were nice too. Kiwi girls got that organically cute look going on fun and are always up for it, whatever ìitî may be. A drunken lout I met at a Sydney party told me right before I flew to New Zealand, ìWhen you tap a kiwi on the shoulder her panties fall down.î Thanks for the tip, Aussie Aussie, oi oi! He was right. And not only that, Kiwi girls, at least the one I met in Queenstown, did me one better. She dragged me out of the bar, banged me like her forefathers banged their sheep, and then fed me after. Bang to Cook. What she served me was reminiscent of this little ditty. Fresh kiwis served as a decadent dessert hit the spot before I was dragged back to bed for round 2 through 14.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Port or dessert wine
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp brown sugar
2. 1 tsp garam masala*
3. 2 tbsp margarine
4. 8 kiwis
*Indian spice made of cumin, coriander, cardamom, peppercorn, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, and saffron
Step 1
Cut off the ends of the kiwi, slice down one side, and remove the peels. Cut the kiwis in half and you are ready to rumble.
Step 2
On low heat, melt the margarine, add the brown sugar and garam masala, and stir into a syrup. Add the slices of kiwi and sauté in the syrup until the kiwis soften and the color starts to fade (approx 20 min). Serve solo or over ice cream or another desert that needs some extra boom-shaka-laka.
1 Comment | new zealand, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aussie, bang, bang to cook, banging, bret, brown sugar, cardamom, cinnamon, cloves, coriander, cumin, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, flight of the conchords, food, forefathers, fruit, game changer, garam masala, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jemaine, kitchen, kiwis, libido, margarine, naked, new zealand, new Zealanders, nutmeg, nz, oi oi, organically cute, peel, peppercorn, Queenstown, recipe, saffron, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sheep, slice, Sydney, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 2, 2009
Unleash the fury, with some banging curry!
For me, banging comes in waves. Sometimes I’m banging everything sexy in a 10-mile radius. Other times I am sitting alone in the dark wondering why not even my D-List booty calls aren’t returning my texts. Peaks and valleys, strikes and gutters, dude. My advice for dealing with this is to capitalize on those moments when you can bang the hottest piece of ass even wearing filthy sweatpants and crocs. Savor these times as if they were your last and by god man, bang them good and proper so they don’t vanish and tarnish your reputation as a lousy lay. Winter can be a lonely mistress. The best solution is to warm yourself back up with the spice of life. Nothing gets that done quite like spicy food and a hot snuggle buddy or three. When the snow flurries keep you inside, be sure to have something warm and sexy to flurry on.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $20
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a mango lassi
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ½ cup plain yogurt
3. 1 tsp ground cumin
4. 1 tbsp curry powder
5. 1 handful chopped cilantro
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 large eggplant
8. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
9. 1 small handful GINGER finely chopped
10. 2 garlic cloves finely chopped
11. CHILI PEPPERS at your discretion
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C. Throw the eggplant in the oven and roast until the eggplant softens (approx 30 min). Remove from the oven, allow to cool, peel away the skin, and then cut the meat into bite-sized cubes.
Step 2
Sauté the onions with the cumin, garlic and ginger until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the tomatoes and cook until they stew (approx 2 min)
Step 3
Throw in the eggplant, spice with the curry powder and chili pepper and cook in the flavor (approx 3 min). Add the yogurt and cook until it all becomes creamy curry goodness (approx 2 min). Throw in the cilantro and you are good to go.
Serve this curry dish with your favorite RICE DISH or some delicious naan.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, indian, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, banging flurry eggplant curry recipe, boot call, capitalize, chili pepper, cilantro, cold, crocs, cumin, curry, curry powder, d-list, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, eggplant curry recipe, food, frigid, game changer, garlic, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, India, indian, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lonely mistress, naked, new delhi, olive oil, onion, recipe, roast, sauté, savor, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, snuggle buddy, spicy, sweatpants, tasty, tomato, vegan, vegetarian, winter, yogurt, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 31, 2009
Red Pepper 42, Black Bean 42, Hut Hut Hike!
I’m gasping for air as I write this post. Good god is this veggie chili sexy, healthy and satisfying. Trust me when I say this is going to be a challenge to not eat it all before I bring it to the Super Bowl party this weekend. It’s like waiting for marriage to engage in sexual relations. It’s a nice idea in theory. But seriously, why? Sure it might feel great to finally experience pure ecstasy with the person you will spend the rest of your life. But then again it might be a huge let down when you finally claim what’s yours. Luckily you don’t have to worry about that with this chili dish. It actually tastes better the next day once the flavors have wrapped their legs around the veggies and grinded until they make culinary cunnilingus. If you do manage to keep this ridiculously healthy chili around for the Super Bowl or other party, you will certainly be busy taking down phone numbers from eager foodies with an appetite for you. Take a number.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: A beer, margarita or other football-watching beverage
Ingredients (serves a party or 2 hungry people for days):
1. ½ cup of vegetable oil
2. 1 tablespoon of dried oregano
3. 1 8-ounce can of corn
4. Sour cream for garnish
5. 1 teaspoon of salt
6. Shredded cheddar cheese for garnish
7. 2 tablespoons of ground cumin
8. 1 28-ounce can of whole tomatoes
9. 1 can of garbanzo beans
10. 1 can of black beans
11. 2 stalks of celery chopped coarsely
12. 1 green pepper chopped coarsely
13. 1 red pepper chopped coarsely
14. 4 cloves of garlic chopped finely
15. 2 dried New Mexico chilies
16. 1 large carrot peeled and chopped coarsely
17. 1 yellow pepper coarsely
18. 1 onion chopped coarsely.
19. 2 handfuls of mushrooms chopped coarsely
Step 1
Heat up the vegetable oil in a stockpot on medium-high. Sautee the garlic solo until they brown (approx 30 seconds). Cook the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Throw in all the carrots, celery, yellow, red and green peppers and cook until they soften, stirring occasionally. (approx 15 minutes)
Step 2
It’s time to spice things up. Cup up the New Mexico chilies, then toss them into the pot with the mushrooms let it simmer (approx 2 minutes). Now smack it all up with ground cumin, oregano and salt and cook in the flavor (approx 10 minutes).
Step 3
Open up the can of tomatoes and drain the juice into a bowl before chopping the tomatoes up coarsely. Add the tomatoes and juice onto the pot and cook until the tomatoes dissolve and become part of the sauce (approx 10 minutes).
Step 4
Drain the liquid from the cans of corn, garbanzo beans and black beans, then dump them all into the pot and cook them with all the other goodies until they become united in their chili power (approx 10 minutes). Serve up with a sexy selection of toppings like shredded cheddar, sour cream and diced red onions.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, HOT LIQUID LOVE, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, bell pepper, black beans, carrot, celery, cheddar, cheese, chili, corn, cumin, delicious, easy, game changer, garbanzo beans, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green pepper, guarantee, healthy, intercourse, kitchen, mexican, mushroom, naked, new Mexico chilies, onion, oregano, party, recipe, red pepper, romance, salt, Santa fe, SEDUCTION, sex, sour cream, south beach diet, spicy, Super bowl, tailgate, tasty, tomato, vegetable oil, vegetarian, Vegetarian chili recipe, veggie chili recipe, winter, yellow pepper, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (serves 2):
