The sound of castanets and Flamenco guitar riffs echo through the streets. I see a momentary flash of a beautiful figure in a black dress sauntering towards, and then she’s gone. Carmen? Is that you again? It seems that every time I eat Spanish tapas and drink sangria she appears. That unattainable Spanish hard body has been haunting my subconscious ever since I first laid eyes on her in a bar in Valencia. There I was, the gringo in the corner of the Spanish nightclub sipping my first sangria. Carmen crossed the room towards me, took my glass and downed it, then led me onto the dance floor. She wrapped on leg around my hip and I melted. The filthy suggestions she breathed heavily into my ear in her native tongue sent my mind skitso. Carmen sent me for one last round of sangria. When I eagerly returned she had vanished. To this day I don’t know if she was real or a hallucination brought on by a sangria overdose. That is why I make sangria now. Perhaps Carmen will return or, at the very least, I can turn the woman I serve it to into Carmen…for the night. Read the rest of this entry »
BANGRIANovember 6, 2015
TOFU TACO TANGOOctober 26, 2015
The tango is an Argentinean dance unparalleled in its complexity. Yet it is oh so much more than an awesome way to sweep someone off their feet in Buenos Aires. The seductive essence of tango runs deep in all things done with panache. You can tango on the tennis court, in the kitchen, and most decisively in the bedroom. Tango requires skill, passion and attitude unparalleled. But you are clearly clever enough since you are reading this. Pulling off a culinary seduction tango should be no more difficult than unsnapping a bra. So invite over the vivacious vegetarian, or vegan if you have the patience, or just someone sexy who likes fabulous food. Keep that rose in your teeth as you serenade them from the dining room to the bedroom. Bravo! Bravo! Read the rest of this entry »
DATEY CHICKEN CHA CHAAugust 7, 2015
Don’t be shy. Do the cha cha across the kitchen, through the dining room, and on into the bedroom. Nice moves, slick! I had no idea two left feet just meant a whole lot of cha cha-ing around and around. Keep it up. Move with confidence. There is no clearer way to get what your lustful little heart desires. Serving up a Middle East feast will surely earn you some brownie points, especially if you’re eying some sexy little thing in a hijab. A better recipe there could not be for breaking down their religion’s ordained celibacy one bite at a time. That is when you will really need your cha cha A-game to pull off the implausible. To any jihadists reading, please understand this is tongue-in-cheek face and not meant to inspire martyrdom in my kitchen. Allah akbar, my friends!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red vino or POMMELONTINI BIKINI
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 tbsp tahini
3. 1 lemon
4. 2 chicken breasts
5. 5 dates
6. 6 1 handful minced shallots
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 dash sea salt (not pictured)
Marinate the chicken in 1/2 lemon of juice and sea salt (approx 10 min). Chop the chicken into bite-sized pieces.
Sauté the garlic and shallots in olive oil on medium heat (approx 1 min). Remove the date pits and chop finely. Throw the dates, tahini, and remaining lemon juice into the pan. Cook until the juice evaporates and it is the consistency of paste (approx 3 min). Add the chicken and cook thoroughly so the sauce coats the meat (approx 4 min).
If you are rocking cous cous with your chicken, you are stoked! Lay the cous cous evenly over the plate. Create a hole in the middle and fill it with your chicken.
Wowzers! This is one bona fide feast fit for a player of your caliber.
FORBIDDEN TANGO ROAST MANGO SALADAugust 21, 2011
Some dances are forbidden for good reason. Most people don’t want Pandora’s box open. All the yeah yeahs get out and inspire naughty behavior. For the average church-going type, this mindset is justifiable. But the act of reading this website puts you in the OTHER category with the greatest minds of any time. We question the status quo. So why wouldn’t you dance a dance considered morally bankrupt if it makes you feel good? That is merely their misguided opinion based on an unbendable worldview. But not you, dear reader. Have at it! This salad shall inspire you to dance with your partner in ways that will make them gasp, while onlookers blush. To hell with the haters who just can’t hang with your self-expression! You’re too busy throwing down with every last bit of lusty passion anyhow. Now sashay already!
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: White wine or a BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 2 massive handfuls field greens
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN balsamic vinegar
4. 2 tbsp HONEY
5. 1 mango
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice the mango on either side of the pit. Cut checkerboard slices into the mango meat, pour in half the honey and balsamic vinegar, and rub it in. Throw the mango halves into a oven safe plate or pan and roast until the meat softens and absorbs the flavor (approx 25 min). Scoop out the mango slices, rubbing them into the sauce.
Combine the olive oil, and remaining honey and balsamic vinegar, stirring it into a dressing.
Toss the field greens, mango, and dressing. Serve up with a delectable SINWICH and you are golden.
PARTYCHOKE CHICKEN CHA CHAMarch 13, 2009
Can you cha cha? It’s only the simplest dance in the known universe. I saw syphilitic lab monkeys doing it by accident and that was after an experiment with excess wine consumption. If a drunken monkey can do it, you should be able to pull it off blindfolded. This dish is on same page as the cha cha. It’s almost impossible to screw the pooch on this one. You could try pouring turpentine into the mix (CTB discourages this wholeheartedly), but then it would have a cool, briny taste. Just follow the protocol below and spend your extra time kicking game. That will leave you with plenty of time to kick game while you dance the half-naked cha cha. Read the rest of this entry »
SPANKING SPANISH RICEJanuary 9, 2009
Barcelona in the later summer is a guaranteed whirlwind for the weary traveler with a backpack. Flamenco guitars serenade beauties in the balconies above and capture the heart of even the biggest hater. I remember one thing with absolute clarity: the quality of the food and women are top notch. Black designer mini dresses flapping behind Vespas. Plates piled high with raw shellfish and overflowing bowls of the best rice I had ever tasted. One night after a sangria or three and a plate full of OYSTERS, I found myself being led to a discotequa by a Nigerian Dr. Dre wannabe I befriended at a coffee shop. My evening soundtrack became hip hop beats to Catalan** lyrics. I don’t speak a word. My 3rd grade level Spanish was all I had to flirt with a Barcelona pure-bred hottie. She awarded me an A for effort and danced with me out in a plaza off Las Ramblas. We were good to go back to my place until she found out I was at a hostel sharing a room with three strangers. She vanished into the nearest cab leaving me bummed out with blue balls. So I cheered myself up with a perfect consolation prize: a plate of Spanish rice. I suppose that it was almost as good as spanking a Spaniard.
**In Barcelona, they speak Catalan, a derivation of Spanish that is a bitch to learn.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends what you serve with it. Tequila, beer or sangria if you are feeling especially Spanish
1. 1 cup of white rice
2. 2 cups of chicken broth
3. 1 dash of salt
4. ¼ cup of olive oil
5. 1 handful of chopped cilantro
6. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
7. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 red bell pepper chopped coarsely
10. 1 small carrot chopped or grated coarsely
Toast the rice first by heating up the oil in a pan on medium heat and cook until they brown, stirring occasionally (approx 5 minutes). Throw in the garlic and cook another minute. Throw in the rest of the veggies: cilantro, tomato, onion, bell pepper and carrot and cook them down with the toasty rice (approx 5 minutes).
Pour in the chicken stock and salt it up a bit. Crank the heat up until the stalk begins to boil, then turn the heat down super low and simmer until the rice absorbs the stock (approx 20 minutes). You officially have some spectacular spanking Spanish rice to serve with something equally outstanding like ORANGASMIC CATFISH, FISHY PINK TACOS or MOLE. Go get those chicas and hombres!
MUST DOS WHILE YOU COOK TO BANGDecember 9, 2008
Cook to Bang is a proven science fact first discovered by Albert Einstein and the scientists from the Manhattan Project and finely tuned here. But it begs the question of what to do while you COOK in order to BANG. Tis a valid question. Cooking for a date should be like foreplay; the mental connection should evolve naturally into a physical one. It takes some delicate orchestrating to allow the chips to fall “naturally” into seduction. Your overall goal is clear, but play it off as if banging is the last thing on your mind. It’s best to appear as nonchalant and keep things fun and playful. Avoid contrived hookups because they usually end with an awkward kiss and an excuse about waking up early in the morning for a lobotomy. The best laid plans ring hollow and will be construed as purely manipulative. Rightly so. Let the night unfold naturally, but keep a few things in mind during your kinky conquests:
1. EYE CONTACT
Never underestimate the importance of looking someone in the eye while you talk. This keeps them engaged with you, plus makes you seem confident and secure in your cooking and prowess. Note to straight guys: avoid the temptation to ogle their cleavage. There will be plenty of time for that later.
A smile on your face will let your date know that you are genuinely enjoying their company. It reveals what a fun loving person you are and disarms any sense of discomfort. A smile is also infectious so even the crabbiest date will soon be grinning ear to ear, which is a good indicator of things to come.
3. PHYSICAL CONTACT
Be sure to engage in physical contact throughout the cooking and eating process, the subtler the better. A high five, stroke of their hair, or lower back caress early on breaks down the physical boundaries you can obliterate later on in the evening. You will have a good sense of where the night is going based purely on how you are greeted. A hug/kiss on the cheek is a good sign; a handshake or no contact at all likely means you’re probably spooning your pillow…if you’re lucky.
Clearly you’ll be quite busy creating an outstanding meal for your date. Now’s your chance to reveal just how interested you are in their life by asking pointed questions and listening intently. Much like a court of law, the less you say to incriminate yourself, the better your chance of success. This works in reverse too because you will have ammo about silly quirks or embarrassing stories from their past you can use to playfully tease them about.
Most of these suggestions fall under the category of flirting. But it is important to know where to draw the distinction between flirtation and sleazy cum ons. The ultimate goal is to create back and forth banter that will draw you two ever closer towards the inevitable kiss and beyond. Keep the conversation light and full of sexual innuendo, but avoid being pervy. There will be plenty of time to reveal what a scoundrel you are when the time is right.
6. BE FUNNY
You would be a fool to underestimate how much chemistry lies in humor. There’s a reason why pint-sized menches like Woody Allen and David Spade can attract the hottest women on the planet. Make them laugh and you can make the gasp. Be sure to tell jokes, stories, and anecdotes. Bonus points if they relate to cooking and food.
7. KEEP DRINKS FLOWING
Be a good host always. Don’t misconstrue this to mean get your date wasted so you can take advantage. But a little libation lubrication never hurt nobody. Be ever mindful of their comfort level, which means keeping their glass full, their mind entertained, and their interest piqued. Another glass of Merlot?
8. DANCE WHILE COOKING
There is a direct parallel between dancing and banging. Your bodies moving in sync to the music, your eyes locked, a passionate embrace all lead to a happy ending. So let inspiration take you over while the pasta boils and spontaneously spin your date around the kitchen. If the mechanics are right you can sneak in a kiss before dinner that will bubble up over the meal and explode come dessert.
9. FEED YOUR DATE
Keep your date engaged in the culinary process. A key way to make this happen is to feed them as the food gets near completion. Let them lick the spoon of the cooking dough, try a bite of the pasta sauce, or sample a raspberry you will serve with dessert. Get their suggestions and suddenly they are emotionally invested in the meal. Remember to feed them from your spoon or better yet, out of your hand.