TOWER OF SWEET TATER TEMPTATION

April 13, 2016
The tower of power!

The tower of power!

Behold the fabled tower!  It is said to control our ids.  When it tells us to sacrifice a Chia Pet in its honor, we do it with a grateful smile.  With clay and foliage scattered on the floor, dance over it with your arms stretched out to the glowing orange mash.  Listen to it coo to you, “It’s okay.  Go for it! Embrace the unknown.  Give into your desires.”  Perhaps you’re bewildered by the fact that a side dish is talking to you.  Don’t over-think it.  Believe what the creamy, dreamy yams tell you.  They have your best interest at heart.  And I’m not just saying this because I’m the high priest of the sweet potato sex cult.  Kool-Aid, anyone?

roast sweet mash prepTotal time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 lb sweet potatoes
2. 2 dashes salt
3. 2 dashes black pepper
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1/8 butter
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful Parmesan

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C.  Throw in the sweet potatoes and roast until they become soft to the squeeze (approx 45min).  Split them down the middle and scoop out the contents.
roast sweet mash tater
Step 2
Combine the sweet potatoes with the butter, salt, black pepper, paprika, green onions and Parmesan.  Mash it all up with a fork and serve up on a plate to compliment a meaty ENTRÉE.

roast sweet mash mix

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MAC & PLEASE ME

April 6, 2016

Tease me, please me, mac & cheese me!

When it comes to potlucks, stealing the show with something unexpected always boosts your game. You will be forever remembered for that one dish that your friends fought over the priviledge to lick the plate. High five and fist bumps all around for you. At least that’s how I roll. Considering my pseudo-profession is a digital chef, it is expected of me. That doesn’t I, nor you, shouldn’t take advantage of said skills. Take this mac & cheese I brought to my buddy’s potluck over the weekend. He assured me single girls, and attached girls on the verge of bailing would be there. So I had to show up with something that would sneak in under their radar and smack them across the face with pleasure. A childhood classic schmi’ed up with awesome stole the thunder of even the $50 slab of Atlantic salmon, which for the record was excellent (twas my RECIPE afterall). Cheek kisses and phone numbers were exchanged and no leftovers in sight.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: All depends on it’s culinary wingman

Ingredients (Serves 20):
1. 1 quart milk
2. 1/3 cup flour
3. Salt to taste
4. Black pepper to taste
5. 1 lb dry large elbow macaroni
6. 4 tbsp breadcrumbs
7. æ lb shredded jack cheese
8. 3 OZ shredded cheddar cheese
9. 1 stick butter
10. 1 bunch green onions chopped coarsely
11. 3 dried New Mexico CHILIES

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Throw the macaroni in boiling water, cook al dente, drain, and throw back in large stockpot (approx 8 min).

Step 2
While macaroni boils, start the sauce: melt the butter on med-low heat (approx 2 min). Chop the chilies into tiny pieces and throw into the butter. Salt and pepper as needed and thoroughly stir in the flour (approx 1 min). Throw in the green onions and cheese, and cook until it all melts.

Step 3
Dump the cheese sauce into the pasta and mix together like the superstar you are. Fill a baking dish or disposable tinfoil dish (as pictured), dumps in the milk, scatter the cheddar, and crown it all with breadcrumbs. Throw it dish in the oven and bake until the milk absorbs into the pasta, the cheddar melts and the breadcrumbs brown into a crust.

Serve with your favorite potluck goodies. Might I suggest FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN and LECHEROUS LEMON BARS.

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LICK MY ZUCCHINI STICK

March 28, 2016
zucchini sticks served

You gotta lick it before you zucchini stick it!

I’m not trying to be crass.  It’s just an open invitation for your tongue.  Do what you gotta, but the door is always open.  This is for your benefit after all. Much like Christmas or Hanukkah, I get way more pleasure giving than receiving.  I assure you this arrangement will be mutually beneficial and your tongue will likely be writing me a thank you note or, at the very least, a Facebook poke.  When your tongue is done licking, you’ll be good to go for any number of sporting events or tailgating parties. Then you’ll be the one whose stick all the cool kids want to lick. Monday football never tasted so naughty!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or BANGARITA

zucchini sticks prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ¼ cup breadcrumbs
3. Ranch dressing to dip
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash garlic salt
6. 2 dashes dry BASIL flakes
7. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
8. 1 zucchini
9. 2 eggs

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C.  Cut the ends off the zucchini and then cut into bite-sized sticks.
zucchini sticks chop
Step 2
Create the breading by combining the breadcrumbs, black pepper, garlic salt, basil and cayenne pepper.  In a separate bowl, beat the eggs.
zucchini sticks breading
Step 3
Grease a pan with olive oil.  Dip each zucchini stick in eggs and then roll in the breading.  Place each stick in the pan, leaving room between them.  Throw them in the oven and bake until the breading browns (approx 7-10 min).
zucchini sticks dip bake
Serve this lower-fat FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY up with the ranch and score a touchdown.

zucchini sticks served 2

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COBB & BALLS SALAD

March 9, 2016
Bob Cobb would be proud...or he might be rolling in his grave.

Bob Cobb would be proud…or he might be rolling in his grave.

You can’t argue with a classic.  The Cobb Salad is a staple of any lunch spot.  But who says it can’t kick start a date into hyper drive?  It certainly passes the health stress test with the fiber, protein and low-fat content.  You almost forget how nourishing it is because each bite tastes like a magical mystery tour in your mouth.  The crunch of the lettuce, creaminess of the bleu cheese, aphrodisiac avocado explosion, & meaty monkey business in the chicken and bacon all lead you to one conclusion: God-fucking-damn!

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

cobb-n-balls-salad-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 teaspoon of olive oil
3. 2 teaspoons of red wine vinegar
4. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
5. 1 teaspoon of Dijon mustard
6. 1 handful + 1 teaspoon of bleu cheese crumbled
7. 3 strips of cooked bacon
8. 1 cooked chicken breast, grilled or baked
9. 1 AVOCADO diced into bite-sized pieces
10. 1 hard-boiled egg
11. 1 tomato diced

Step 1
Mix up the dressing by combining the Dijon mustard, ed wine vinegar, olive oil, black pepper and 1 teaspoon of blue cheese.  Set aside.
cobb-n-balls-salad-dress
Step 2
Wash the romaine, cut off the stock, then cut bite-size pieces of lettuce, and line the bottom of a salad bowl.  Throw the chopped tomato on top.  Slice the egg thinly and spread them out evenly.  Chop up the bacon into bits and spread it out too.  Chop the chicken breast into bite-sized pieces and scatter those on top.  Do the same with a handful of blue cheese and crown it all with avocado.
cobb-n-balls-salad-toss2
Step 3
Serve up the plates of salad, tonging up a plateful as is.  DO NOT TOSS!  You want the layers of Cobb glory to shine like a Tiffany diamond.  Scoop in your desired amount of dressing and let the good times roll.
cobb-n-balls-salad-plate-dressingcobb-n-balls-salad-prep-2

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NEVER FAIL KALE BREAKFAST

February 26, 2016
Epic fail?  Hardly!

Epic fail? Hardly!

There are few sure things in this world.  You can count on the sun rising, taxman finding you and herpes to come back with a vengeance.  But most promises of satisfaction guaranteed have so many disclaimers that it’s impossible to get your money back.  Even banging isn’t always guaranteed to wow when you sleep with a prude without the interest or skills to get your rocks off. My advice is to move on quickly from these cold fish in search of the flippier floppier variety.  One rare exception to the litany of disappointments is this healthy, tasty, morning-wood inducing dish.  You got your greens, protein and carbs working together to make you the sex machine of the hour.  If you do fail to inspire sexy time with this, you might just be a libido-less zombie.  You might want to get that checked out.

boiled kale breakfast prepTotal time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 2 dashes of salt
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 slices of bread
5. ¼ AVOCADO sliced thinly
6. 4 handfuls of fresh kale

Step 1
Remove the stems from the kale and chop coarsely.  Throw in boiling water, cook until the kale turns bright green and softens (approx 5 min).
boiled kale breakfast chop boil
Step 2
Toast the bread and poach the eggs while the kale boils.
boiled kale breakfast toast poach
Step 3
Place boiled kale evenly between the two slices of bread.  Throw the poached egg on top and crown them with slices of avocado.  Add a dash of salt and pepper and voila!
boiled kale breakfast assemble
Serve up this healthy breakfast to your date in bed, before you get back to the business of banging.

boiled kale breakfast served 2

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PINCH-YOUR-TUSH BABAGANOUSH

February 22, 2016
Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores

Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores

Yowch!  Sorry about that.  I thought I was pinching someone else’s ass.  But it felt so right to have my thumb and index finger sampling your goods.  Not bad at all.  Now that we’ve gotten past the whole digital sexual harassment woes, you hungry?  Figured the drooling, stomach growling and eye fucking my food had to mean something.  This spoiling eggplant came through in a pinch.  While I recommend cooking with fresh ingredients, we gotta make do in this flaccid economy.  Hence, we cook your meals at home and reap the randy rewards. Once roasted, this reborn eggplant brought joy to two very hungry, horny people.  Both of our tushes were pinched, spanked and a few things you don’t want to know about.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes

Projected cost: $5

Drinking Buddy: Crisp white wine

babaganoush prepIngredients (serves 2):

1. 1 dash cumin

2. 1 dash salt

3. 1 dash black pepper

4. 1 tbsp olive oil

5. 2 tbsp tahini (sesame paste)

6. 1 large eggplant

7. 2-3 pitas

8. ½ lemon juice

9. 1 handful parsley chopped

10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely

11. 1 handful de-pitted kalamata olives

Step 1

Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Poke eggplant with a fork like a prison-shivving.  Throw the abused eggplant into the oven and cook until it softens (approx 30 min). Let the eggplant cool down, then split and scoop out the meat.

babaganoush eggplant

Step 2

Puree the cooked eggplant with lemon juice, tahini, parsley, olives, garlic, olive oil, salt, cumin and black pepper.

babaganoush assemble

Step 3

Cut the pita into little pie pieces and arrange around a plate.  Slap the babaganoush right in the middle and serve it up with some foreplay.

babaganoush pita

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PANTY PLUNDER CUCUMBER SALAD

January 20, 2016

X marks the G-spot

Arrr! Ahoy, maties! I spot a hard body off the starboard bow! Land ho (or was that hos?)! We shall not rest until we collect all the doubloons in their pantaloons. Plunder everything you can before we make off into the night. We shall woo them with our finest spices traded from the far East. The healthier, shinier, and tastier the treasure, the better! If you don’t like your captain’s skullduggery, walk the plank!

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