March 14, 2016
Serve senoritas bonitas fajitas
Cactus isn’t just an icon of the American Southwest. It isn’t just a sharp nuisance that plagues the likes of Wile E. Coyote. No, mi amigos. Cactus is also the source of water when you are lost in the dessert. It can be used as a weapon to protect yourself from Area 51 aliens or the worm creatures from Tremors. But few recognize that it is damn tasty and mighty nutritious. I learned this when I was visiting relatives in Santa Fe from a beautiful mixed Mexican/Native American girl named Lupita. She thought I was funny and for some reason invited me to her mother’s adobe pueblo for lunch. My gringo senses were shocked to see Lupita’s mama slicing up a cactus nopales she cut off massive peyote cactus in their front yard. It was love at first bite. The taste of this imaginative style of fajitas got my mind and loins racing. Sadly, Lupita is a good Catholic girl and did not fall for my charms. I instead plotted how to make this dish my own so I could employ it on my future Lupitas. This dish rarely fails to impress and inspire my dates…to get naked.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Cerveza and more cerveza!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cactus nopales
3. 2 teaspoons of fajita seasoning
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. 1 onion chopped into long strips
6. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
7. 1 pound of chicken cut into bit sized strips
8. 1 handful of shredded jack cheese
9. ½ sliced avocado
10. 6 corn tortillas heated (not pictured)
Sprinkle the chicken with 1 teaspoon of the fajita seasoning and allow the flavor to absorb (approx 5 minutes). Stir fry the chicken in olive oil and cook through. Set aside.
Slice off the cactus spikes, skin and edges, then cut into strips. Heat olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the onion until they soften (approx 2 minutes), then toss in the cactus and tomatoes, and sprinkle 1 teaspoon of fajitas seasoning. Stir it around until the tomatoes dissolve and become a spicy sauce coating the onions and cactus (approx 4 minutes). Set aide.
Create a fajita filling station that will give your date(s) an option of what to take. This will allow vegetarians and vegans to assemble something unobjectionable. With any luck, there will be plenty of objectionable activities to follow.
March 11, 2016
POOF! Hear that? It’s the sound of a bra disappearing. Straight into thin air. Never seen anything like it. There was this art chick I invited home for food after a gallery party comparing my sandwich to Green Eggs and Ham. But then the avant-garde skeptic stopped making deranged metaphors and took a big green bite…POOOF! Her entire top vanished by the time she finished the first half of the sandwich. The second half was powerful enough to finish the job on her, and then make my pantaloons implode in a supernova. The curse of unnecessary clothing that baffled nerdy scientists for centuries has now been eradicated with the enchanted aphrodisiac PESTO (basil, pine nuts).
MAGIC 1 – SCIENCE 0
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January 26, 2016
- Thai me up, Thai me down, Thai one on!
That’s right! You know how to do what you do so do it. Ooh ooh, baby, do it one more time. I can’t get enough of your tasty taste. It’s so exotic, so flavorful, so foreign to my white bread existence. Suddenly all the TV Dinner memories are evaporating into adventures in Thailand. I’m on a beach getting my hair braided. I’m in the jungle communing with shaman living in a tree house. I’m in Bangkok breaking all 10 Commandments. It’s all because you spice up my life. Keep it up. Now that I’ve tasted the East, these noodles will keep the memories alive at the very least. Read the rest of this entry »
January 21, 2016
Stuff Me? Stuff You!
I’m sure someone has told you at some point in your life to “Get Stuffed” or something like that in one language or another. In essence they are telling you to get banged, which in some ways is a rather considerate suggestion. We all could do with a little more stuffing. Everyone would be a whole lot nicer without sexual frustration inspiring dickishness to the masses. It very well could be the solution to terrorism, the recession and what really happened to the dinosaurs. Attention Nobel Foundation: Please send the peace prize directly to my underground lab. In celebration, let’s stuffed some eggplant with our favorite meat and recognize that even in turbulent times, we still need to enjoy life. Cook To Bang, making the world a better-fed and sexier place. Read the rest of this entry »
January 8, 2016
Roasted Chicken Rub Down Served
Roasting a chicken is a lot like a slow, deliberate seduction: if you rush it you end up with cold meat and ecoli. But done right it should get you laid plus provide you with some kick ass leftovers for sandwiches, salads or right off the bone, in the fridge, drunk. This dish is hearty, proves you made the effort, and did I mention delicious? It’s mostly prep work, then you can slide in the oven, bump the Barry White and boom-chicken-wa-wa! Read the rest of this entry »
September 25, 2015
Blue 42, blue 42, hut hut bang!
Welcome to Part II of the 2010 CTB Super Bowl recipe throw down. For the uninitiated or those lacking cognitive reasoning, jambalaya is a dish native to Louisiana, New Orleans in particular. Therefore this dish is dedicated to the New Orleans Saints. My life is too consumed with cooking and banging to pay much attention to football stats. The Saints or the Colts could triumph and it wouldn’t make any difference so long as I have someone warm and cuddly in my bed that night. But in terms of the Food Bowl, New Orleans crushes Indianapolis hands down. The cuisine down South is like a wet dream jumping right off my plate and down my pantaloons. It might be the French influence, it might be the innovations of American ancestors, it might be that I am totally gay for spicy food. I wager all three. But you will turn a few heads with this dish that feeds the hungry, unwashed masses. So whomever you’re cheering for, you will leave a winner with phone numbers and possibly a football-loving hottie on your arm. Read the rest of this entry »
September 23, 2015
You are the pimp and your date is your whore-tilla
Are you cursed with dating prudes who just don’t put out? This is not unlike slamming your finger in a car door, but it’s your self-esteem that cries out in pain. Your first problem is that you shouldn’t try to pick up prospective dates at a Jonas Brothers concert. And even if you are a sucker who thinks meeting a nice girl or boy is the way to go, Cook To Bang like a champ and you will make that purity rings land perfectly in the trash with nothing but net. I have faith that you can turn the rosy-cheeked innocent into your sex slave with the right approach. That’s why I developed this hearty tortilla soup for you. It’s quite healthy, has an APHRODISIAC double threat, and seems wholesome at first glance. That is exactly how you should operate. Get in under the radar and then turn your date out. Turn that nun or choirboy into your own personal whore. Now hear yourself ROAR! Read the rest of this entry »