Some desserts inspire you to moan with pleasure. Others make you close your eyes and take in all the flavors. But there are some desserts so damn tasty that your underwear disappears. Meet these Frenchy French poached pears sure to set back the Celebrities Keep Your Panties On Organization a decade. As soon as the herpes harpies like Lindsay, Britney, and Paris take a bite, the upskirt paparazzi patrol will be out in force. My apologies for exposing the world to such villainy. But alas, you can use this dessert as a powerful Hail Mary in your arsenal when your date is resisting your bang campaign. Warning: Side effects will include your underwear vanishing too.
Total time: Approximately 25 minutes (or longer if you refrigerate overnight)
Projected cost: $7
Drinking buddy: Champagne
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 cup cheap red wine
2. 1/2 cup white sugar
3. 2 pears
4. 1 lemon
5. 4 cloves
Peel, halve, and core the pears.
On med-low heat, pour in the wine and sugar. Zest the lemon and squeeze in the juice. Toss in the cloves. Bring to a boil, and then lower heat to a simmer.
Put the pear halves, flat end down, and poach for 10 minutes. Flip the pear halves over and poach the rounded halves for another 10 minutes. Remove the pears and reduce the wine sauce by half. Pour the sauce over the pears. You can either serve immediately with ice cream or refrigerate overnight and enjoy cold.
Don’t be shy. Do the cha cha across the kitchen, through the dining room, and on into the bedroom. Nice moves, slick! I had no idea two left feet just meant a whole lot of cha cha-ing around and around. Keep it up. Move with confidence. There is no clearer way to get what your lustful little heart desires. Serving up a Middle East feast will surely earn you some brownie points, especially if you’re eying some sexy little thing in a hijab. A better recipe there could not be for breaking down their religion’s ordained celibacy one bite at a time. That is when you will really need your cha cha A-game to pull off the implausible. To any jihadists reading, please understand this is tongue-in-cheek face and not meant to inspire martyrdom in my kitchen. Allah akbar, my friends!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red vino or POMMELONTINI BIKINI
Marinate the chicken in 1/2 lemon of juice and sea salt (approx 10 min). Chop the chicken into bite-sized pieces.
Sauté the garlic and shallots in olive oil on medium heat (approx 1 min). Remove the date pits and chop finely. Throw the dates, tahini, and remaining lemon juice into the pan. Cook until the juice evaporates and it is the consistency of paste (approx 3 min). Add the chicken and cook thoroughly so the sauce coats the meat (approx 4 min).
If you are rocking cous cous with your chicken, you are stoked! Lay the cous cous evenly over the plate. Create a hole in the middle and fill it with your chicken.
Wowzers! This is one bona fide feast fit for a player of your caliber.
Somewhere over the rainbow, something's turning me on. Must be my Wizard of Oz fantasy.
Nothing gives me a chubby like an aesthetically pleasing plate of food. Not only does it satisfy the hunger pangs, but the emotionally pangs as well. Mark my words, nothing inspires sexy time dessert quite like a beautifully presented meal. How it tastes is almost secondary to how it looks on the plate. Shallow? Perhaps. But don’t question the rules of culinary seduction unless you want that chard on to go to waste. Read the rest of this entry »
Food is the great equalizer. No matter how rich, poor, hot, or totally busted you are, we all gotta eat. That’s why the CTB method works so well. Unless you are some enlightened monk impervious to hunger pangs and lascivious loins, we all need to cook and bang. Read the rest of this entry »
This little figgy went to the market (to buy ingredients and condoms)
This little figgy stayed home (and Cooked to Bang)
This little figgy had roast beef (curtains)
This little figgy had none (because he was cooking for a vegan)
And this little figgy went “Wee! Wee! Wee!” all the way home (bragging about the latest CTB conquest).
Cook to Bang is a proven science fact first discovered by Albert Einstein and the scientists from the Manhattan Project and finely tuned here. But it begs the question of what to do while you COOK in order to BANG. Tis a valid question. Cooking for a date should be like foreplay; the mental connection should evolve naturally into a physical one. It takes some delicate orchestrating to allow the chips to fall “naturally” into seduction. Your overall goal is clear, but play it off as if banging is the last thing on your mind. It’s best to appear as nonchalant and keep things fun and playful. Avoid contrived hookups because they usually end with an awkward kiss and an excuse about waking up early in the morning for a lobotomy. The best laid plans ring hollow and will be construed as purely manipulative. Rightly so. Let the night unfold naturally, but keep a few things in mind during your kinky conquests:
1. EYE CONTACT
Never underestimate the importance of looking someone in the eye while you talk. This keeps them engaged with you, plus makes you seem confident and secure in your cooking and prowess. Note to straight guys: avoid the temptation to ogle their cleavage. There will be plenty of time for that later.
A smile on your face will let your date know that you are genuinely enjoying their company. It reveals what a fun loving person you are and disarms any sense of discomfort. A smile is also infectious so even the crabbiest date will soon be grinning ear to ear, which is a good indicator of things to come.
3. PHYSICAL CONTACT
Be sure to engage in physical contact throughout the cooking and eating process, the subtler the better. A high five, stroke of their hair, or lower back caress early on breaks down the physical boundaries you can obliterate later on in the evening. You will have a good sense of where the night is going based purely on how you are greeted. A hug/kiss on the cheek is a good sign; a handshake or no contact at all likely means you’re probably spooning your pillow…if you’re lucky.
Clearly you’ll be quite busy creating an outstanding meal for your date. Now’s your chance to reveal just how interested you are in their life by asking pointed questions and listening intently. Much like a court of law, the less you say to incriminate yourself, the better your chance of success. This works in reverse too because you will have ammo about silly quirks or embarrassing stories from their past you can use to playfully tease them about.
Most of these suggestions fall under the category of flirting. But it is important to know where to draw the distinction between flirtation and sleazy cum ons. The ultimate goal is to create back and forth banter that will draw you two ever closer towards the inevitable kiss and beyond. Keep the conversation light and full of sexual innuendo, but avoid being pervy. There will be plenty of time to reveal what a scoundrel you are when the time is right.
6. BE FUNNY
You would be a fool to underestimate how much chemistry lies in humor. There’s a reason why pint-sized menches like Woody Allen and David Spade can attract the hottest women on the planet. Make them laugh and you can make the gasp. Be sure to tell jokes, stories, and anecdotes. Bonus points if they relate to cooking and food.
7. KEEP DRINKS FLOWING
Be a good host always. Don’t misconstrue this to mean get your date wasted so you can take advantage. But a little libation lubrication never hurt nobody. Be ever mindful of their comfort level, which means keeping their glass full, their mind entertained, and their interest piqued. Another glass of Merlot?
8. DANCE WHILE COOKING
There is a direct parallel between dancing and banging. Your bodies moving in sync to the music, your eyes locked, a passionate embrace all lead to a happy ending. So let inspiration take you over while the pasta boils and spontaneously spin your date around the kitchen. If the mechanics are right you can sneak in a kiss before dinner that will bubble up over the meal and explode come dessert.
9. FEED YOUR DATE
Keep your date engaged in the culinary process. A key way to make this happen is to feed them as the food gets near completion. Let them lick the spoon of the cooking dough, try a bite of the pasta sauce, or sample a raspberry you will serve with dessert. Get their suggestions and suddenly they are emotionally invested in the meal. Remember to feed them from your spoon or better yet, out of your hand.
Here is CTB’s very first promo. Stay tuned for many more video tutorials on recipes, seduction techniques, etc. This one is here to show you just how easy it is to COOK TO BANG. Senorita Fajitas recipe post coming soon. Thank you for your patronage and keep on COOKING TO BANG!