PINCH-YOUR-TUSH BABAGANOUSH

February 22, 2016
Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores

Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores

Yowch!  Sorry about that.  I thought I was pinching someone else’s ass.  But it felt so right to have my thumb and index finger sampling your goods.  Not bad at all.  Now that we’ve gotten past the whole digital sexual harassment woes, you hungry?  Figured the drooling, stomach growling and eye fucking my food had to mean something.  This spoiling eggplant came through in a pinch.  While I recommend cooking with fresh ingredients, we gotta make do in this flaccid economy.  Hence, we cook your meals at home and reap the randy rewards. Once roasted, this reborn eggplant brought joy to two very hungry, horny people.  Both of our tushes were pinched, spanked and a few things you don’t want to know about.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes

Projected cost: $5

Drinking Buddy: Crisp white wine

babaganoush prepIngredients (serves 2):

1. 1 dash cumin

2. 1 dash salt

3. 1 dash black pepper

4. 1 tbsp olive oil

5. 2 tbsp tahini (sesame paste)

6. 1 large eggplant

7. 2-3 pitas

8. ½ lemon juice

9. 1 handful parsley chopped

10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely

11. 1 handful de-pitted kalamata olives

Step 1

Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Poke eggplant with a fork like a prison-shivving.  Throw the abused eggplant into the oven and cook until it softens (approx 30 min). Let the eggplant cool down, then split and scoop out the meat.

babaganoush eggplant

Step 2

Puree the cooked eggplant with lemon juice, tahini, parsley, olives, garlic, olive oil, salt, cumin and black pepper.

babaganoush assemble

Step 3

Cut the pita into little pie pieces and arrange around a plate.  Slap the babaganoush right in the middle and serve it up with some foreplay.

babaganoush pita

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ROASTED RED PEEPING TOM-ATO SOUP

February 17, 2016
Peep this pack of perfect peppers, player!

Peep this pack of perfect peppers, player!

Some of my best friends are peeping toms.  Society tells these voyeurs to be ashamed.  But I ask you, how different is it to watch someone in person then watching asinine strangers in a reality show?  Once you get used to hand prints left from peering into your window and your flowerbed continually being crushed, it’s really not so bad.  Voyeurs are essentially pleasure-delayers.  I personally subscribe to the hedonist school and want it all a week ago. But I respect their patience.  This soup is like that.  Roasting takes a dedication.  Are you up for the task of slow-cooking a perfect soup so that you won’t have to “take it slow” later?  I hope so because sometimes, every once in a while, I mean a long while, it is totally worth it to hold it back.  Like an orgasm you manage to stretch out an extra 5 seconds by grunting.  “Oh yeah! That’s it. Here we go. Unnnnggggghhhh!”

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Ice tea, lemonade or an ice-cold beer to cool you down, Perv Master Flex

roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 2 red bell peppers
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 teaspoon of salt
4. 2 cups of vegetable stock
5. 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
6. 2 teaspoons of bay leaves
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 2 tomatoes

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F.  Wash the red peppers and tomatoes, dry them off, and place them all into a large glass or metal oven-safe bowl.  Roast them until the skin blacks and separates from the veggie meat (approx 45 minutes).  Remove the tomato and peppers from the bowl and place them in a plastic bag that you will seal and leave in the fridge to cool (approx 20 minutes).  Take the bag out of the fridge and dump the contents, leaked juice included, back into the roasting bowl.  Slowly remove the skin from the peppers and tomatoes.  Finally pull out the stalks and chop it all up coarsely and set aside.
roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-roast
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil in a stockpot on medium heat.  Toss in the garlic and cook until it whitens (approx 30 seconds), then follow up with the onions that you will cook until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes).  Flavor it all up with the salt, cayenne pepper and bay leaves before mixing in the roasted peppers and tomatoes.
roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-cook
Step 3
Dump in the vegetable stock and bring to a roaring boil on high heat, then turn the heat down low and simmer with a lid on until the veggies soften (approx 20 minutes).  Puree the soup up using a Cuisinart, blender or hand blender (as pictured) and serve with a feeling of accomplishment.  You’re terrific.

roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-simmer-puree

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TAP THAT ASPARAGUS SOUP

January 22, 2016
Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Soup’s sex appeal is often underestimated because it’s generally associated with cans of Campbell’s.  Yes it’s functional and generally quite good for you, but ingredients make the difference.  Enter asparagus, an aphrodisiac and natural Viagra.  17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper said asparagus could “stir up lust in man and woman.”  The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm.  So if history, health and sex aren’t motivating factors, consider that it tastes bloody amazing.  Throw in some seafood and you are ready to rock ‘til the break of dawn.  I made this dish the other night for a lady I’m fond of and neither of us was left with blue balls, culinary or otherwise.  Round 1 was shortly followed by Round 2, 3 and on and on. Read the rest of this entry »


ROCKS OFF DETOX BROCCOLI SOUP

January 1, 2016
Detox so you can always get your rocks off

Detox so you can always get your rocks off

Cooking to Bang can often lead to some nasty habits like drinking, fornicating and eating after midnight.  Some scientists claim that indulging your every whim can be harmful to your health. Bully to that.  But just in case you are seek a cleansing, Cook To Bang has something silky smooth for the sinner in all of us.  Think of this soup as an elixir that can grant you eternal innocence.  Every unspeakable carnal act you performed in the heat of the moment shall be absolved by the soup’s all-forgiving nutrients.  Allow the garlic and cayenne pepper to clear your sinuses and conscience.  The broccoli and cauliflower will mainline you with calcium and scoop out cancer-causing gunk holding your prowess back.  Lastly the lemon will wash away the sins leaving your body and soul shiny like it went through the car wash.  You’re good to go.  Have fun abusing yourself and we’ll see you again soon.  Next! Read the rest of this entry »


PIMPIN’ PUMPKIN SOUP

November 18, 2015
Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella's, but with way more umph!

Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella’s, but with way more umph!

Halloween is upon us.  Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined.  Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for destruction.  Unspeakable acts of mayhem and perversion have occurred on my Halloween watch.  The fact I don’t remember much of it seems beside the point.  The pretentious side of me finds the whole transformation thing very Kafka, while the idiotic derelict in me just thinks it’s a great excuse become reckless.  So I always apply this theory to my pumpkins each year.  My Halloween tradition is to purchase two pumpkins, one to carve into sarcastic social commentary, and the other less pretty pumpkin I demand for free becomes something delicious. So I pimped my pumpkin into a soup with Thai-style flavor. The lucky lady who joined me for the jack-off-lantern carving party did agree and demonstrated her appreciation the old fashioned way…orally.

pimpin pumkin soup prepTotal time: approximately 50 minutes

Projected cost: $9

Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITOS

Ingredients (for six):

1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil

2. 4 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock to make vegan)

3. 2 cups coconut milk

4. 2-3 lb pumpkin

5. Salt at your discretion

6. 1 teaspoon dried lemongrass

7. 1 onion chopped coarsely

8. 1 small handful of freshly sliced GINGER

9. Lime wedges to squeeze into soup

Step 1

Cut the ends off the pumpkin, skin it, slice in half, scoop out the seeds and gunk, and slice into chunks.

pimpin pumkin soup pumpkin

Step 2

Sauté the ginger and onions with 1 tbsp of olive oil, spicing it with lemongrass (approx 5 min).  Add the pumpkin, throw in the remaining olive oil and sauté until the pumpkins soften (approx 7 min).

pimpin pumkin soup saute

Step 3

Add the stock and bring to a boil.  Turn the heat down low and simmer (approx 35 min).  Puree the soup, add the coconut milk, and heat through.  Squeeze some lime into each bowl you ladle up.

pimpin pumkin soup stock coconut lime

Serve up this with some Thai NOODLES and you’re sure to have a happy ending.

pimpin pumkin soup served

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HUMMUNNA HUMMUNNA HUMMUS

March 26, 2015
Hummus = Hummer, simple as that

Hummus = Hummer, simple as that

Bing bang boom!  When you hear that sound, you know it’s on.  It’s pretty much on as soon as your date sees you make homemade hummus.  They will be puzzled at the simplicity, your mastery of the food blender, and this uncanny ability to serve them exactly what they want.  Don’t question the logic.  Go with it giving your most defiant stare of FUCK YEAH!  There’s no need to say anything.  The creamy, flavor-packed Middle Eastern condom-ment will say it for you.  Your date will innately understand that they have a goddamn legend-in-the-making on their hands and acquiesce to your most perverted demands.  See you in the Elysian Fields! Read the rest of this entry »


NEVER A BORSCHT IN THE SACK

December 17, 2014
Sexy commies gone vegan! Don't tell Stalin...

Sexy commies gone vegan! Don’t tell Stalin…

Hello, comrades!  I speak of course to the Russian women I have had the pleasure of.  There is something about that accent that brings up all my childhood Cold War fears and translates them into lust.  No doubt, their Soviet bloc childhoods taught them how to survive so they are as tough as they are hot.  Not a wilting flower in the bunch.  Banging someone tougher than you are can challenge your ego.  But I welcome the challenge since the payoff makes my babushka spin.  What better way to lure them in than the classic Russian dish, borscht?  This Commie red soup hits the spot and nourishes the people.  Even if your culinary conquest isn’t Russian, make them your comrade for the night.  I’m back in the USSR! Read the rest of this entry »


VEGAN VIXEN SOUP

November 10, 2014

I'm fixin' for a vixen!

I should have known better. Vegan girls are always trouble. And it’s not just because they are a pain in the ass to feed. There’s something kooky in anyone who limits their culinary possibilities so severely. Maybe they need to take a few classes at an online cooking school to learn that food is not the enemy. But the upside is the rarity of obese vegans. Harmony was certainly no exception. She’s yoga master flex, hence me taking an interest. Picking up one’s yoga instructor is a delicate dance. The last thing you want to do is crash and burn, too humiliated to return to a class you enjoyed. I overheard Harmony gab on about her vegan diet and the explosive orgasms she enjoyed as a result, so I rocked the vegan angle. Post-yoga vegan soup on a cold Sunday evening? Harmony was on it, and on me after she sucked down my soup. Home girl demonstrated yoga possibilities I had never even wet-dreamed of.  Now we have a regular Sunday Cirque du Vegan: I cook; she defies and gratifies gravity. Read the rest of this entry »


FO REAL YO! TOMATILLO SALSA

June 17, 2014

Salsa your way across the dancefloor to the snack table for more salsa!

This recipe comes courtesy of Derek in Denver, CO. This badass tomatillo salsa recipe has been scoring him smoking hot granola girls by the bakers dozen. Derek writes:

Salsa salsa salsa! Nothing like a simple a perfect combination of Mexican spices, flavors, and cajones to inspire some sexy time. We got the right amount of flavor and heat without sending anyone home crying for their mommies. And this will come in handy as you lay out your finest game. I find that this recipe is all that and a bag of chips. Tortilla chips. I hope your readers enjoy as much I have enjoyed the fairer sex of Colorado! Read the rest of this entry »


FINE AS HELL BELL PEPPER SOUP

January 2, 2012
With this soup, you'll always say, "Check mate!"

With this soup, you’ll always say, “Check mate!”

You are looking oh so fine!
I’ll warm you up and make you mine,
Ignore these less than stellar rhymes,
Just say yes to a little wine and dine!

Your creamy texture makes me yell,
I get all bent for your spicy smell,
Orgasms peak at the dinner bell,
Making the pious say, “What the hell?”

You make a player from a leper
A cocky bastard from a half-stepper
I collect coin with every endeavor
Cause you’re my little bell pepper.

rep pepper soup prepTotal time: approximately 80 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: LECHEROUS LEPRECHAUN

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ tsp of CAYENNE PEPPER
2. ½ tsp of cumin
3. 1 can of chicken stock (veg for vegan)
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. ½ can of coconut milk
6. Black pepper to taste
7. ½ tsp of garlic salt
8. 3 red bell peppers
9. 1 onion chopped coarsely

Step 1
Roast the bell peppers in the oven at 400 degrees F until the skin blackens (approx 45 min).  Remove from oven and throw them in a sealed bag.  Refrigerate until they cool (approx 15 min), remove the skin and chop coarsely.rep pepper soup roast

Step 2
While awaiting the peppers to cool, sauté the onions with the olive oil on medium heat.  Add the garlic salt, cayenne pepper and cumin and cook in the flavor (approx 5 min).  Add the red bell peppers and the black pepper and let them soak up some taste (approx 2 min).rep pepper soup saute

Step 3
Pour in the stock, bring to a roaring boil, and then simmer closed until the veggies soften (approx 15 min).  Puree the madness and then add the coconut milk and stir thoroughly.rep pepper soup simmer pureerep pepper soup served 2

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