February 22, 2016
Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores
Yowch! Sorry about that. I thought I was pinching someone else’s ass. But it felt so right to have my thumb and index finger sampling your goods. Not bad at all. Now that we’ve gotten past the whole digital sexual harassment woes, you hungry? Figured the drooling, stomach growling and eye fucking my food had to mean something. This spoiling eggplant came through in a pinch. While I recommend cooking with fresh ingredients, we gotta make do in this flaccid economy. Hence, we cook your meals at home and reap the randy rewards. Once roasted, this reborn eggplant brought joy to two very hungry, horny people. Both of our tushes were pinched, spanked and a few things you don’t want to know about.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Crisp white wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash cumin
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 2 tbsp tahini (sesame paste)
6. 1 large eggplant
7. 2-3 pitas
8. ½ lemon juice
9. 1 handful parsley chopped
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 handful de-pitted kalamata olives
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Poke eggplant with a fork like a prison-shivving. Throw the abused eggplant into the oven and cook until it softens (approx 30 min). Let the eggplant cool down, then split and scoop out the meat.
Puree the cooked eggplant with lemon juice, tahini, parsley, olives, garlic, olive oil, salt, cumin and black pepper.
Cut the pita into little pie pieces and arrange around a plate. Slap the babaganoush right in the middle and serve it up with some foreplay.
January 22, 2016
Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.
Soup’s sex appeal is often underestimated because it’s generally associated with cans of Campbell’s. Yes it’s functional and generally quite good for you, but ingredients make the difference. Enter asparagus, an aphrodisiac and natural Viagra. 17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper said asparagus could “stir up lust in man and woman.” The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm. So if history, health and sex aren’t motivating factors, consider that it tastes bloody amazing. Throw in some seafood and you are ready to rock ‘til the break of dawn. I made this dish the other night for a lady I’m fond of and neither of us was left with blue balls, culinary or otherwise. Round 1 was shortly followed by Round 2, 3 and on and on. Read the rest of this entry »
January 4, 2016
I challenge even the healthiest crackpot ninny out there to call this dish fattening. What you are looking at it is a plate turbo-charged with nutritional awesomeness. Do not let that sway you from indulging in this delightful treat. Eating this uber-healthy dish is similar to sex: it feels good, yet is actually great for you. The same can’t be said about crack cocaine or reality television. Those vices are fun until you find yourself living in an alley mimicking the Hiltons, Hogans or Kardashians. My advice is to stick to kale steaming and orgasm screaming. Read the rest of this entry »
November 1, 2015
Poonchiladas = Poonany – Math To Bang
I can’t go a week without banging out a new perverse recipe for Mexican food. There is something so comforting and snuggly about the ability of food South of the border (US, obv) to put an ear-to-ear grin on my face. It’s an instant crowd pleasure from a party full of dudes obsessively watching the playoffs to the sexy number you share a quiet Thursday evening with the lights down low. The best part is Mexican grub like these Poonchiladas are so easy to make that a jellyfish with a blindfold pull it off. True story. My arm is still throbbing from being stung, but the jellyfish’s was out of sight. No matter what nature show hosts might tell you, jellyfish sex is not that kinky. So what are you waiting for? If a invertebrate with only tentacles can pull off Poonchiladas, then certain you can CTB with this dish. Right? Read the rest of this entry »
October 4, 2015
Poof go the panties!
Some desserts inspire you to moan with pleasure. Others make you close your eyes and take in all the flavors. But there are some desserts so damn tasty that your underwear disappears. Meet these Frenchy French poached pears sure to set back the Celebrities Keep Your Panties On Organization a decade. As soon as the herpes harpies like Lindsay, Britney, and Paris take a bite, the upskirt paparazzi patrol will be out in force. My apologies for exposing the world to such villainy. But alas, you can use this dessert as a powerful Hail Mary in your arsenal when your date is resisting your bang campaign. Warning: Side effects will include your underwear vanishing too.
Total time: Approximately 25 minutes (or longer if you refrigerate overnight)
Projected cost: $7
Drinking buddy: Champagne
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 cup cheap red wine
2. 1/2 cup white sugar
3. 2 pears
4. 1 lemon
5. 4 cloves
Peel, halve, and core the pears.
On med-low heat, pour in the wine and sugar. Zest the lemon and squeeze in the juice. Toss in the cloves. Bring to a boil, and then lower heat to a simmer.
Put the pear halves, flat end down, and poach for 10 minutes. Flip the pear halves over and poach the rounded halves for another 10 minutes. Remove the pears and reduce the wine sauce by half. Pour the sauce over the pears. You can either serve immediately with ice cream or refrigerate overnight and enjoy cold.
September 25, 2015
Blue 42, blue 42, hut hut bang!
Welcome to Part II of the 2010 CTB Super Bowl recipe throw down. For the uninitiated or those lacking cognitive reasoning, jambalaya is a dish native to Louisiana, New Orleans in particular. Therefore this dish is dedicated to the New Orleans Saints. My life is too consumed with cooking and banging to pay much attention to football stats. The Saints or the Colts could triumph and it wouldn’t make any difference so long as I have someone warm and cuddly in my bed that night. But in terms of the Food Bowl, New Orleans crushes Indianapolis hands down. The cuisine down South is like a wet dream jumping right off my plate and down my pantaloons. It might be the French influence, it might be the innovations of American ancestors, it might be that I am totally gay for spicy food. I wager all three. But you will turn a few heads with this dish that feeds the hungry, unwashed masses. So whomever you’re cheering for, you will leave a winner with phone numbers and possibly a football-loving hottie on your arm. Read the rest of this entry »
August 21, 2015
The Lady and the Trampy Scampi
I used to stamp my little feet as a child when someone called me a shrimp. It drove me batty that I wasn’t a “big kid”. Time changes everything. Call me a shrimp as an adult and I’ll thank you, and then fantasize about buttery, garlicky goodness. I am the first to admit that I’ll get trampy for shrimp scampi. A note to the ladies: you too can put a man like myself under your spell with this dish. There’s something amazing about cooking shellfish in this velvet sauce that grants the chef the power of mind control. It’s been that way ever since I stole the recipe from a heavily guarded underground vault in Switzerland. Sure I am wanted by Interpol, but I did it all for you, dear reader. Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »
August 7, 2015
How about a hot date on your plate?
Don’t be shy. Do the cha cha across the kitchen, through the dining room, and on into the bedroom. Nice moves, slick! I had no idea two left feet just meant a whole lot of cha cha-ing around and around. Keep it up. Move with confidence. There is no clearer way to get what your lustful little heart desires. Serving up a Middle East feast will surely earn you some brownie points, especially if you’re eying some sexy little thing in a hijab. A better recipe there could not be for breaking down their religion’s ordained celibacy one bite at a time. That is when you will really need your cha cha A-game to pull off the implausible. To any jihadists reading, please understand this is tongue-in-cheek face and not meant to inspire martyrdom in my kitchen. Allah akbar, my friends!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red vino or POMMELONTINI BIKINI
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil
2. 1 tbsp tahini
3. 1 lemon
4. 2 chicken breasts
5. 5 dates
6. 6 1 handful minced shallots
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 dash sea salt (not pictured)
Marinate the chicken in 1/2 lemon of juice and sea salt (approx 10 min). Chop the chicken into bite-sized pieces.
Sauté the garlic and shallots in olive oil on medium heat (approx 1 min). Remove the date pits and chop finely. Throw the dates, tahini, and remaining lemon juice into the pan. Cook until the juice evaporates and it is the consistency of paste (approx 3 min). Add the chicken and cook thoroughly so the sauce coats the meat (approx 4 min).
If you are rocking cous cous with your chicken, you are stoked! Lay the cous cous evenly over the plate. Create a hole in the middle and fill it with your chicken.
Wowzers! This is one bona fide feast fit for a player of your caliber.