PINCH-YOUR-TUSH BABAGANOUSH

February 22, 2016
Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores

Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores

Yowch!  Sorry about that.  I thought I was pinching someone else’s ass.  But it felt so right to have my thumb and index finger sampling your goods.  Not bad at all.  Now that we’ve gotten past the whole digital sexual harassment woes, you hungry?  Figured the drooling, stomach growling and eye fucking my food had to mean something.  This spoiling eggplant came through in a pinch.  While I recommend cooking with fresh ingredients, we gotta make do in this flaccid economy.  Hence, we cook your meals at home and reap the randy rewards. Once roasted, this reborn eggplant brought joy to two very hungry, horny people.  Both of our tushes were pinched, spanked and a few things you don’t want to know about.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes

Projected cost: $5

Drinking Buddy: Crisp white wine

babaganoush prepIngredients (serves 2):

1. 1 dash cumin

2. 1 dash salt

3. 1 dash black pepper

4. 1 tbsp olive oil

5. 2 tbsp tahini (sesame paste)

6. 1 large eggplant

7. 2-3 pitas

8. ½ lemon juice

9. 1 handful parsley chopped

10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely

11. 1 handful de-pitted kalamata olives

Step 1

Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Poke eggplant with a fork like a prison-shivving.  Throw the abused eggplant into the oven and cook until it softens (approx 30 min). Let the eggplant cool down, then split and scoop out the meat.

babaganoush eggplant

Step 2

Puree the cooked eggplant with lemon juice, tahini, parsley, olives, garlic, olive oil, salt, cumin and black pepper.

babaganoush assemble

Step 3

Cut the pita into little pie pieces and arrange around a plate.  Slap the babaganoush right in the middle and serve it up with some foreplay.

babaganoush pita

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PORTOBELLO BORDELLO

February 15, 2016

Turn any date into filthy hooker

Some food has the power to transform a good day into a great day. We’ve all experienced a meal so freaking amazing that we talk about it years, sometimes decades later. Don’t get me started on this penne eggplant bowl I enjoyed on Italy’s Amalfi Coast. Let’s just say I had to smoke cigarette after…and I don’t even smoke! But there are certain dishes that are not only memorable, but cause clothes to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West. Whore. The Portobello Bordello is one of those dishes. It is not only loaded with APHRODISIACS, but an edible orgasm of flavor, texture and attitude. Be warned: those with heart problems may not be able to handle this mushroom dish’s pure unadulterated awesomeness. The rest of you should not fear stuffing the mushroom. Odds are there will be some serious stuffing to follow.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $16
Drinking Buddy: White wine or champagne

stuffed-portobello-prepIngredients:
1. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
2. ½ tablespoon of honey
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of paprika
6. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ red bell pepper chopped coarsely
9. 6 ounces of lump crab meat
10. ½ a jalapeño chopped finely
11. 1 small handful of shredded Parmesan
12. ½ a lemon worth of juice
13. 2 large Portobello mushroom caps
14. 4 avocado slices (not pictured)

Step 1
Create the stuffing by mixing up the green onions, red bell pepper, lemon juice, jalapeño, crab meat, parmesan, bread crumbs, mayonnaise, honey, salt and paprika in a large mixing bowl.

stuffed-portobello-stuffing

Step 2
Wash the Portobello mushrooms then scrape away the black gills with a spoon and cut out the stem. This will allow more room for stuffing. Pour olive oil over the mushroom tops, then flip them over and place them in a small baking pan. Pour in half the stuffing into each cap and spread out evenly.

stuffed-portobello-prebake

Step 3
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Throw in the baking pan full of stuffed mushrooms into the oven and bake until the stuffing browns (approx 35-40 minutes). Serve it up on top of a large leaf of lettuce. Garnish each cap with 2 avocado slices and serve it up knowing full well IT’S ON!

stuffed-portobello-bakestuffed-portobello-served-2

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TAP THAT ASPARAGUS SOUP

January 22, 2016
Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Soup’s sex appeal is often underestimated because it’s generally associated with cans of Campbell’s.  Yes it’s functional and generally quite good for you, but ingredients make the difference.  Enter asparagus, an aphrodisiac and natural Viagra.  17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper said asparagus could “stir up lust in man and woman.”  The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm.  So if history, health and sex aren’t motivating factors, consider that it tastes bloody amazing.  Throw in some seafood and you are ready to rock ‘til the break of dawn.  I made this dish the other night for a lady I’m fond of and neither of us was left with blue balls, culinary or otherwise.  Round 1 was shortly followed by Round 2, 3 and on and on. Read the rest of this entry »


INHALE MY KALE

January 4, 2016

steamed sesame kale servedI challenge even the healthiest crackpot ninny out there to call this dish fattening.  What you are looking at it is a plate turbo-charged with nutritional awesomeness. Do not let that sway you from indulging in this delightful treat.  Eating this uber-healthy dish is similar to sex: it feels good, yet is actually great for you.  The same can’t be said about crack cocaine or reality television.  Those vices are fun until you find yourself living in an alley mimicking the Hiltons, Hogans or Kardashians.  My advice is to stick to kale steaming and orgasm screaming. Read the rest of this entry »


LOVE ME (CHICKEN) TENDER

November 9, 2015
chicken-tenders-served

Love me tender, Love me baked, They'll never tell you no!

So it’s game day.  Are you ready for some football?  Damn straight!  Do you have your jersey?  Check!  Beer helmet? Mos def!  The case of brewskies?  You know it?  The appetizer your friend asked you to bring for their Super Bowl party?  Wait, what?  You do know that the game starts in an hour, right?  Oh, &$%#!  Before you go postal on us, just know COOK TO BANG has a solution for you.  This dish is simple enough for a syphilitic monkey to do and a guaranteed football crowd pleaser.  You will inspire greatness in everyone attending who will then sing your praises, followed by a chorus of Queen’s “We Are The Champions.” Now that you have your theme song backing you up, turn your attention to that single hottie across the room.  Walk right over, sit down next to them, and offer baked piece of heaven. Way to go, champ! Read the rest of this entry »


PORNCHILADAS

November 1, 2015
Poonchiladas = Poonany - Math To Bang

Poonchiladas = Poonany – Math To Bang

I can’t go a week without banging out a new perverse recipe for Mexican food.  There is something so comforting and snuggly about the ability of food South of the border (US, obv) to put an ear-to-ear grin on my face.  It’s an instant crowd pleasure from a party full of dudes obsessively watching the playoffs to the sexy number you share a quiet Thursday evening with the lights down low.  The best part is Mexican grub like these Poonchiladas are so easy to make that a jellyfish with a blindfold pull it off.  True story.  My arm is still throbbing from being stung, but the jellyfish’s was out of sight.  No matter what nature show hosts might tell you, jellyfish sex is not that kinky.  So what are you waiting for?  If a invertebrate with only tentacles can pull off Poonchiladas, then certain you can CTB with this dish.  Right? Read the rest of this entry »


PANTYLESS POACHED PEARS

October 4, 2015

Poof go the panties!

Some desserts inspire you to moan with pleasure. Others make you close your eyes and take in all the flavors. But there are some desserts so damn tasty that your underwear disappears. Meet these Frenchy French poached pears sure to set back the Celebrities Keep Your Panties On Organization a decade. As soon as the herpes harpies like Lindsay, Britney, and Paris take a bite, the upskirt paparazzi patrol will be out in force. My apologies for exposing the world to such villainy. But alas, you can use this dessert as a powerful Hail Mary in your arsenal when your date is resisting your bang campaign. Warning: Side effects will include your underwear vanishing too.

Total time: Approximately 25 minutes (or longer if you refrigerate overnight)
Projected cost: $7
Drinking buddy: Champagne

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 cup cheap red wine
2. 1/2 cup white sugar
3. 2 pears
4. 1 lemon
5. 4 cloves

Step 1
Peel, halve, and core the pears.

Step 2
On med-low heat, pour in the wine and sugar. Zest the lemon and squeeze in the juice. Toss in the cloves. Bring to a boil, and then lower heat to a simmer.

Step 3
Put the pear halves, flat end down, and poach for 10 minutes. Flip the pear halves over and poach the rounded halves for another 10 minutes. Remove the pears and reduce the wine sauce by half. Pour the sauce over the pears. You can either serve immediately with ice cream or refrigerate overnight and enjoy cold.

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