WRAP THAT ASS-PARAGUS

April 5, 2010

Wrap it right, wrap it tight.

A fine ass like that deserves to be wrapped up in life’s fineries. Exalt that perfect behind with the TLC it deserves. At least that’s how I approach the perfect booty. Damn close to worship. I show it a good time, probably a better time than the body and mind attached. One surefire method to be hospitable to said ass is to wrap up the asparagus aphrodisiac amazingness with meaty magic. Roll roll, drip drip, sizzle sizzle, mmm mmm! They’re so good your collective lusts may win out over your hunger for the rest of dinner.

Total time: 7 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking buddy: Pinot Noir or Pinot Gris

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 8 ASPARAGUS spears
2. 8 strips bacon (piggy, turkey, or veggie)
3. 2 dashes salt
4. 1 lemon wedge

Step 1
First wash the asparagus and cut 1 inch off the bottoms. Wrap the asparagus in bacon at an angle tightly. Salt as you wish.

Step 2
Warm up the griddle or pan on medium heat. Throw the bacon-wrapped asparagus in and cook, squeezing the lemon juice over as the bacon starts to sizzle. Cook until the down side of the asparagus browns (approx 3 min) before rolling them over. Salt the other side and cook the other side until it browns (approx 2 min).

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THEY HOST YOU ROAST HEIRLOOM SALAD

July 30, 2009
They host, you boast...to your friends after the act.

They host, you boast...to your friends after the act.

The COOK TO BANG has been proven by the superstring theory via that supercollider in the Swiss Alps.  Effective as CTB may be, every once in a while you want to take your sexy cooking show on the road.  Why not take your wares to your dates pad?  It’ll seem spontaneous and romantic, even if you just don’t feel like cleaning up the mess after your done banging.  The plot is to show up to their place with a bag of groceries and commandeer their kitchen like some hungry pirate.  Soon you will be swashbuckling about with their pots and pans and will eventually end up without shirts or pants, just an eye patch and a dirty-talking parrot.  Sure your date may be technically hosting, but you will both know who’s in control.  This salad will be a great first mate as you pillage and plunder your date’s booty.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY

roasted heirloom salad prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. ½ cup balsamic vinegar
2. 2 tbsp HONEY
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
5. ½ tbsp olive oil
6. 2 large handfuls fresh spinach
7. 1 handful shredded mozzarella
8. 2 heirloom tomatoes
9. 4 fresh BASIL leaves
10. ¼ lemon

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Slice each heirloom tomato in half and set them in a baking pan.  Drizzle the tomatoes with olive oil, sprinkle them with salt and pepper, place a basil leaf on each and crown them with mozzarella.  Toss them in the oven and roast until the tomato softens and cheese melts (approx 35 min).

roasted heirloom salad tomatoStep 2
Make the balsamic reduction dressing by turning stove onto medium heat and adding the honey and balsamic vinegar, stirring vigorously.  Cook the liquid down to 1/3 of its original volume.  Pour the dressing into a container and allow it to cool.

baked goat cheese balsamic reduction

Step 3
Split the spinach between plates.  Place two roasted heirloom tomatoes on each bed of spinach and pour over the balsamic reduction.  Squeeze some lemon juice over if your craving some sour.

roasted heirloom salad assemble

Serve up as a perfect lunch after a quickie (hint, bang while the heirloom tomatoes roast) or as a starter for an ENTRÉE.

roasted heirloom salad served 2

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