HOT DUMB BLONDIES

March 4, 2016
2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.

2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.

My apologies to any of my fair-headed readers who take offense to this post.  I don’t assume all blondes are morons with difficulty pushing open doors that are clearly marked PULL.  Just the majority I meet.  On the flip side, these golden-haired vixens and vicks enjoy a demi-gods status. Their behavior is excused because of their hair follicle pigment.  To each his own.  Just I have indulged in every flavor in the rainbow from ginger to Mohawk, I have tasted a few blondies in my day.  There’s a certain comfort indulging in a lighter fare that lacks the punch of a brownie, but makes up for it with the ooey gooey.  What makes these blondies especially fun is that they lure in the blondes like cheese on a mousetrap.  Dish them out like drug dealers passing out samples at the playground.  Soon you’ll have a sea of hot dumb blondes eager for a Hot Dumb Blondie fix.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a BANANA RAM-YA MILKSHAKE

hot dumb blondies prepIngredients:
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 cups brown sugar
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 tsp vanilla extract
5. ½ tsp salt
6. 1 baking powder
7. 2 tbsp HONEY
8. 1½ cups crushed walnuts
9. 4 sticks/2cups unsalted butter
10. 1 handful fresh mint leaves

Step 1
Preheat oven to350°F/175°C. Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt.

hot dumb blondies sift

Step 2
Melt the butter down and mix in the brown sugar, vanilla extract, honey, mint leaves and eggs.  Combine this mixture with the sifted flour mixtures.  Add the walnuts and whisk it all together.

hot dumb blondies mix

Step 3
Line the baking pan with foil.  Pour in the blondie batter and bake in the oven until the batter firms (approx 25-30 min).  Allow it to cool, and then pull the foil away from the pan and spread it flat.  Slice up the blondies, as you will.

hot dumb blondies bake

Serve a la mode, on the go, or lure in potential dates with these tasty bites.

hot dumb blondies served 2

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PORTOBELLO BORDELLO

February 15, 2016

Turn any date into filthy hooker

Some food has the power to transform a good day into a great day. We’ve all experienced a meal so freaking amazing that we talk about it years, sometimes decades later. Don’t get me started on this penne eggplant bowl I enjoyed on Italy’s Amalfi Coast. Let’s just say I had to smoke cigarette after…and I don’t even smoke! But there are certain dishes that are not only memorable, but cause clothes to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West. Whore. The Portobello Bordello is one of those dishes. It is not only loaded with APHRODISIACS, but an edible orgasm of flavor, texture and attitude. Be warned: those with heart problems may not be able to handle this mushroom dish’s pure unadulterated awesomeness. The rest of you should not fear stuffing the mushroom. Odds are there will be some serious stuffing to follow.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $16
Drinking Buddy: White wine or champagne

stuffed-portobello-prepIngredients:
1. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
2. ½ tablespoon of honey
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of paprika
6. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ red bell pepper chopped coarsely
9. 6 ounces of lump crab meat
10. ½ a jalapeño chopped finely
11. 1 small handful of shredded Parmesan
12. ½ a lemon worth of juice
13. 2 large Portobello mushroom caps
14. 4 avocado slices (not pictured)

Step 1
Create the stuffing by mixing up the green onions, red bell pepper, lemon juice, jalapeño, crab meat, parmesan, bread crumbs, mayonnaise, honey, salt and paprika in a large mixing bowl.

stuffed-portobello-stuffing

Step 2
Wash the Portobello mushrooms then scrape away the black gills with a spoon and cut out the stem. This will allow more room for stuffing. Pour olive oil over the mushroom tops, then flip them over and place them in a small baking pan. Pour in half the stuffing into each cap and spread out evenly.

stuffed-portobello-prebake

Step 3
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Throw in the baking pan full of stuffed mushrooms into the oven and bake until the stuffing browns (approx 35-40 minutes). Serve it up on top of a large leaf of lettuce. Garnish each cap with 2 avocado slices and serve it up knowing full well IT’S ON!

stuffed-portobello-bakestuffed-portobello-served-2

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CHEEKY CHINESE CHICKEN SALAD

February 8, 2016
The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.

The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.

This SALAD is so goddamn precocious.  It thinks it can get away with anything because it is so nutritious and low fat.  I turned my back for a second and it had already invited all its buddies over to my place for a salad tossing party.  Don’t mistake me for some prude.  I do a website called Cook To Bang after all.  But these salads got buck wild under my roof.  They drank all my booze, wore all my favorite clothes and one them took a joyride in my car.  If you see a CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD driving a Volvo be sure to tell it to return my wheels.  But in spite of all the annoyance, I have such a soft spot for Chinese Chicken Salad that I’ll let it go.  Not sure I could say the same for the COBB & BALLS SALAD.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE or Arnold Palmer…w/ vodka

chinese chicken salad prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 1 tsp sesame seeds
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 1 can water chestnuts
5. 1 can/jar mandarin oranges
6. 1 tsp minced GINGER
7. 1 carrot shredded
8. 1/3 red cabbage cut in strips
9. 1/3 green cabbage cut on strips
10. 1 chicken breast

Step 1
Pan-steam the chicken in a thin layer of water, flipping once (approx 15 min).  Cut the meat into cubes.
chinese chicken salad pan steam
Step 2
Create the dressing by whisking together the soy sauce, honey, sesame seeds and ginger.
chinese chicken salad dressing
Step 3
Toss the green cabbage, red cabbage, carrot, drained water chestnuts drained mandarin oranges and chicken with the dressing.
chinese chicken salad toss
Serve up on plates for a perfect lunchtime quickie.
chinese chicken salad served 2

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EDAMAME’S BOY

January 25, 2016

Enjoy the tsunami of edamame!

 

I don’t mind admitting I am a mama’s boy. Sure some conservatives might call me morally bankrupt. But I scoff at them because I still have a good relationship with my mother. She’s the one who taught me how to cook after all. Sure I may have taken the foundations of her teachings and used it to get girls out of my league to sleep with me. But isn’t that what innovation is all about? Take something simple like the act of cooking and run wild in a field or devious dandelions. That’s what I have done with edamame. Sure they taste great on their own, like nature’s candy. But I wanted to sex it up a bit. What better way to do that than smother them in aphrodisiacal flavor and roast them to perfection? Take it from this edamame’s boy; you will be happy you took my cue. Read the rest of this entry »


BANGNANA POONCAKES

January 15, 2016

Come Mrs. Tallyman, fondle me banana

For the record, Cook To Bang isn’t telling you to bang your nana. That is illegal in most countries and frowned upon everywhere else with the possible exception of Sweden. Why do you think they call it a Swedish pancake? Yet I digress, a bad habit since my ADHD childhood. Bananas are among my favorite fruits. Taste and phallic suggestiveness aside, the magnesium, potassium, riboflavin and B Vitamins run through the love machine you call your body like premium oil used in sports cars driven by men substituting for what they lack. But that’s not your problem. Is it, fellas? Even if it is, fret no longer. Bananas also turbo-charge the male libido with the enzyme bromelain. The fact “bro” is in the enzyme’s scientific name should not be lost on you. Fire up the griddle and make pancakes…in bed. Then make breakfast.

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RICE PUDDING POONTANG

January 13, 2016
Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.

Pudding & Poontang: My comfort foods.

Rice pudding is comfort food.  Comfort = connection.  Connection= banging.  You can’t argue with sound logic.  Granted, rice pudding isn’t as sexy as a chocolate soufflé or crème brule.  But it warms the heart and inspires the mind. That is the conclusion I came to when I served this dessert to a date I assumed was a total prude.  She was a colder fish than the chilled cocktail shrimp I served as an appetizer.  Not even the MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE could get her to flirt back.  I was ready to admit defeat (something I rarely do) and show her to the door.  But then I broke out the rice pudding I had chilling in the fridge.  The ice in my frigid date’s heart and the block of ice between her legs thawed.  She made the first move and the second and…let’s just say I felt a little violated after.  Good thing I had more rice pudding to comfort me when she left after using me for sex. Read the rest of this entry »


CASHEW MONEY CHICKEN

January 9, 2016

Grass, Ass, or Cash-ews

Cash money makes our world go around. It’s the international language of “fuck you, I’m rich!” Here at Cook To Bang we like commerce as much as the next perverted food blog. But the whole spirit of CTB comes from the desire to take money out of the dating equation. Food is the great equalizer. Everyone needs to eat. Almost everyone wants to bang. You don’t have to bang your lover on 1000 gold thread count sheets. A sleeping bag over a La-Z-Boy could be just as much fun and certainly more of an athletic feat. Everyone wins when you Cook To Bang. And this CTB take on a classic Chinese dish will win you much props and improper propositions.

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