BANGSGIVING: CREAM IN YOUR PANTS SPINACH

November 24, 2015

I cream, you cream, we all cream from my filthy food dreams!

I suggest bringing a change of underwear for this one.  Decadent doesn’t begin to describe this supernova of creaminess found in this holiday side dish.  Don’t feel too embarrassed by your “accident” while eating Cook To Bang style creamed spinach.  Chances are everyone else you serve it to will also lose control of their sexual organs and cream in a symphony of sensuality. Expect a flavor orgy.  The Thanksgiving may well be swept right off the table as your Friends Thanksgiving turns into a Friends With Benefits Thanksgiving.  If you are looking for a more muted, PG-rated side dish you have come to the wrong place.  This is the culinary pleasure dome and you are the guest of honor.  Serve this dish to a pack of holiday hotties and you will always be the guest of honor.

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 2 dashes ground nutmeg
4. ½ cup heavy cream
5. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
6. 1 large handful shallots finely chopped
7. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
8. 2 cloves garlic finely chopped
9. 1½ lb fresh spinach

Step 1
Wash your spinach thoroughly, chop off the thick stocks and boil for 2 minutes.  Drain the spinach, straining out as much of the water as you can squeeze.

Step 2
Melt the butter in a pan and sauté the garlic and shallots until they become translucent (approx 3 min).  Add the spinach, salt, black pepper, nutmeg and pine nuts heat through (approx 2 min). Finally add the heavy cream and cook until the cream reduces in half (approx 2 min).

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OOH LE LE BREAKFAST

July 22, 2015

Foux da fafa all the way to the bedroom!

You gotta hand it to the French. No one pulls off being a bunch of fancy bitches quite like them. You’ll look like a goddamn pansy if you try to replicate without the accent. But for some reason they can act ass all sissy la la and it’s totally acceptable. So when it comes to cooking French-style cuisine, I always speak in a ridiculous accent, wear a beret, and engage in all things French: French fries, French kisses, French ticklers. Ca va? Tres bonne. Ca va et toi? Breakfast will never be the same once Frenchy McFrenchface comes to play. Read the rest of this entry »


GETTIN’ YOUR GOAT CHEESE SALAD

June 15, 2015
Gettin your goat will make you float and rock that boat!
Gettin’ your goat will make you float and rock that boat!

So you don’t think goats are sexy, huh?  You don’t find their hooves and beards enchanting?  Their bleating cries a top a craggily mountains isn’t a huge turn on?  Then you haven’t sampled goat cheese baked to perfection with the pistachio crust atop a mountain of greens and grape boulders smothered is a sticky sweet balsamic reduction.  You may find yourself licking the plate clean and stealing a little off your lover’s plate (CTB won’t tell).  No one will blame you once this sexy dish seduces your mouth, body and soul.  The goat bleats will become a choir of enchanting angels beckoning you to join them in their four-legged rendition of the Macarena.  You will be completely powerless to resist and you will love every minute of it because your date will be by your side, equally entranced by the goat cheese’s power that is turbo-charged with the balsamic blast.  The healthy spinach and the mysterious aphrodisiac powers of the grapes create a perfect storm of culinary delight.  Give in and go with it.  This salad can take you places you never knew existed.  And at the end of the journey your inevitable sexual conquest will be secondary to the post-coital glow you experienced with love at first bite. Read the rest of this entry »


EGGS WHORENTINE

May 18, 2015

This egg dish brings out the whore in anyone.

This egg dish brings out the whore in anyone.

Who said breakfast can’t be quick, cheap and gourmet?  These purveyors of untruths are likely terrorists or, at the very least, buzz kills.  Ignore these fools for they know not what they say.  Prepare to class up the morning after tainting it with unmentionable activities that would make the church ladies blush.  Eggs Whorentine to the rescue!  It’s got all the sexiness of Eggs Benedict, but with the spinach power of Popeye. Let your breakfast speak for itself when you have a sleeping beauty in your bed.  Sure she/he is eager for you to report for duty, but damnit, you just gave them good loving and need a recharge.  That’s where the protein in the eggs, carbohydrates of the English muffin and the famed Popeye power of spinach keep you going long and strong.  Your first bite will send steam out of your ears and you’ll both be off for the next round and round.  Toot toot! Read the rest of this entry »


ATKINS FOR TROUBLE BURGER SALAD

March 10, 2015
If you're looking for trouble, you've come to the right site.

If you’re looking for trouble, you’ve come to the right site.

If you’re looking at this site, you are most certainly asking for trouble.  This is not a nice blog to share with your grandmother.  Perhaps your mom, if she’s open-minded or a hot MILF.  The Cook To Bang staff warns you that our content may cause increased heart rate and libido.  But can you blame us?  We are all hopped up on this Atkins-friendly low-carb protein-blast salad.  Every bite brings us closer to walking confidentially in thongs in South Beach. We employed the countless fad diets and a massive dose of steroids to make us beach ready.  You’re wondering if the risks to my health and mental state for bedlam rock-star food orgies were worth it.  You think this hot ass and glistening bedroom muscles are some accident? Read the rest of this entry »


JUST THE STUFFED MUSHROOM TIP

October 20, 2014
Let's play a little game called Just the Stuffed Mushroom Tip.

Let’s play a little game called Just the Stuffed Mushroom Tip.

That’s how it all starts.  An innocent maiden voyage evolves into an exploration deep into the unknown.  Justify it any way you want to.  We can pretend it’s a game.  Start with the tip and see how it feels.  If it’s no bueno, fair enough.  But then again, we’ve already gone this far.  What’s a few more steps into the abyss?  I mean the collateral damage has already been sustained.  So why not enjoy it for what it’s worth?  We can write it off as youthful indiscretion.  An official OOPSIE!  Let’s blame the extra bottle of wine.  We both should have known better.  But we’re all adults and mature enough to move on.  I’m glad we had this discussion. I feel better. Don’t you?  Oh by the way, have you tried these killer stuffed mushrooms? Read the rest of this entry »


DON’T MAKE ME BAGEL PIZZA

October 17, 2014
Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.

Unlike TLC, I am too proud to beg.

You should know better than to beg.  There is clear a disconnect with your mastery of the CTB philosophy.  When you serve that special someone amazing food than you won’t have to beg.  It is your date who will beg you for more whether that is a second helping of bagel pizzas or another screaming orgasm.  Groveling doesn’t suit you.  That’s for the people who can’t close the deal in good faith.  Be grateful there are chumps out there on their knees looking pathetic and sexually frustrated.  They suffer so you don’t have to.  Just do the voodoo that you do in the kitchen and the bedroom.  This recipe is so fast and impressive that you can’t help but reap the rewards.  Reap away, reaper. Read the rest of this entry »