TAP THAT ASPARAGUS SOUP

January 22, 2016
Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Soup’s sex appeal is often underestimated because it’s generally associated with cans of Campbell’s.  Yes it’s functional and generally quite good for you, but ingredients make the difference.  Enter asparagus, an aphrodisiac and natural Viagra.  17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper said asparagus could “stir up lust in man and woman.”  The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm.  So if history, health and sex aren’t motivating factors, consider that it tastes bloody amazing.  Throw in some seafood and you are ready to rock ‘til the break of dawn.  I made this dish the other night for a lady I’m fond of and neither of us was left with blue balls, culinary or otherwise.  Round 1 was shortly followed by Round 2, 3 and on and on. Read the rest of this entry »


EGG MCHIPPIE

October 14, 2015
This breakfast is like so spiritual and full of heady karma, man.

This breakfast is like so spiritual and full of heady karma, man.

The dirty longhairs have taken over breakfast! At least one that I picked up at a summer concert did.  Mind you, she was a hot young not-yet-jaded hippie, but a hippie all the same.  The previous night she proved herself to be a carnivore repeatedly stuffing a certain meat into her mouth.  But come morning when the alcohol and whatever mind-alerting bohemian substance she may have been on wore off, the self-righteous hippie returned.  There I was casually frying up bacon when she started lecturing me all about how the poor little piggies suffered.  But this hippie-crite hottie was more than happy to eat eggs, neglecting to bemoan the miserable conditions of egg-laying hens.  So I assembled the veggies in my fridge and did my best to improvise.  This aphrodisiac triple-threat turned out pretty damn good for a meal on the fly.  Good enough for me to bang her again before I inadvertently pissed her off when she saw the sign in my bathroom that reads: HIPPIES USE SIDE DOOR (no exceptions!).  That saved me the trouble of announcing I was going seal clubbing that afternoon so she would leave. Read the rest of this entry »


APHRODISIAC BOOTY BOMB SCRAMBLE

September 16, 2015
KA-BOOM!  This dish will shake the room.

KA-BOOM! This dish will shake the room.

KA-BOOM!  Don’t worry your pretty little head.  It’s not North Korea or Russia dropping bombs.  This bomb is going off in your mouth and then in your pants. The APHRODISIAC quantities have been quadrupled to ensure you get your based needs met. It’s sort of like napalming an entire jungle to take out one sniper.  Overkill?  Perhaps.  But the job gets done and you get off.  This overzealous approach happens to offer banging flavor blasts that should keep you popping, locking and dropping trow.  Finally you have a reason to get up out of bed where you have someone slumbering peaceful and naked.  Wake them up with a mouthful of eggs and a crotch full of you.  KA-BLOOEY! Read the rest of this entry »


WRAP THAT ASS-PARAGUS

April 5, 2010

Wrap it right, wrap it tight.

A fine ass like that deserves to be wrapped up in life’s fineries. Exalt that perfect behind with the TLC it deserves. At least that’s how I approach the perfect booty. Damn close to worship. I show it a good time, probably a better time than the body and mind attached. One surefire method to be hospitable to said ass is to wrap up the asparagus aphrodisiac amazingness with meaty magic. Roll roll, drip drip, sizzle sizzle, mmm mmm! They’re so good your collective lusts may win out over your hunger for the rest of dinner.

Total time: 7 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking buddy: Pinot Noir or Pinot Gris

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 8 ASPARAGUS spears
2. 8 strips bacon (piggy, turkey, or veggie)
3. 2 dashes salt
4. 1 lemon wedge

Step 1
First wash the asparagus and cut 1 inch off the bottoms. Wrap the asparagus in bacon at an angle tightly. Salt as you wish.

Step 2
Warm up the griddle or pan on medium heat. Throw the bacon-wrapped asparagus in and cook, squeezing the lemon juice over as the bacon starts to sizzle. Cook until the down side of the asparagus browns (approx 3 min) before rolling them over. Salt the other side and cook the other side until it browns (approx 2 min).

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ROASTED TITS & ASS-PARAGUS

January 27, 2010

T&A is easy as pushing play on your CTB Music Mix

T&A is what every straight dude seeks when they CTB. Pull it off right and all will be revealed. The important thing is not to rush it or appear too eager. Naturally, in an era where we want what we want now and quit wasting my goddamn time, it’s hard to exercise restraint. But a smooth seduction is like roasting asparagus. Let it happen. The last thing you want is to crank the heat up so you can get the green aphrodisiac out of the oven faster in order to get on with the show. That will only lead to overcooked, underappreciated slop. Did I mention your kinky campaign will be totally FUBAR? Ease into it, sucka. If you add the right amount of flavor with the right amount of heat and the right amount of time, you will be more than all right. And to my female and gay male readership, the same rules apply minus the whole T&A thing.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: All depends on ENTREE, but dry white wine is asparagus’ friend

Ingredients (Serves 4):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 dash black pepper
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
5. 1/2 lb ASPARAGUS

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Wash the asparagus and chop off the tips, and discard. Spread out the asparagus flat in a baking pan. Sprinkle evenly with garlic, salt and pepper, and then drizzle with olive oil.

Step 2
Throw the asparagus in the oven and roast until they brown slightly (approx 30 min). Serve that delicious goodness up with something equally healthy and banging.

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LEFTOVER SCHMEFTOVER EGGY WEGGYS

October 13, 2009
SF leftover eggs served

If they ask "Should I stay or should I go?", just shrug.

Sometimes the f@$%-it-all attitude is the best approach to life.  Whether we’re talking dating, cooking or anything that involves sheer pleasure, take a backseat and let it be whatever it will be.  I know that may sound difficult when you want something badly.  Trust me, I’ve been there and learned late in life the importance of not sweating the details. Heed my advice and settle down, tiger.  The eager beaver gnaws on wood and not much else.  This breakfast is a perfect metaphor.  The previous night I grilled my best SPANK MY HALIBUT yet along with some BOAST THE MOST ASS-PARAGUS for a date in who enjoyed it enough to let me sleep over.  Come morning time after my second round of banging the cobwebs out of my eyes, I stumbled casually into the kitchen and made this dish in a matter of minutes.  We dined, we banged and I slipped out the door, all at a leisurely pace, yet made it to work…only 15 minutes late!

Total time: approximately 5 minutes

Projected cost: $3 (plus whatever it cost to make leftovers)

Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

SF leftover eggs prepIngredients (for 2):

1. 1 dash black pepper

2. 1 dash salt

3. 1 tbsp olive oil

4. 3 eggs

5. 4 tbsp SIMPLY SEXY SALSA

6. 2 slices cheddar cheese

7. Leftover GRILLED FISH

8. Leftover ASPARAGUS

Step 1

Beat the salt and peppered eggs.

SF leftover eggs beat

Step 2

Sauté the chopped leftover asparagus and fish with the olive oil (approx 2 min).  Pour in the eggs, but don’t scramble, just let the egg form around the leftovers like a pancake.  When the eggs cook through (approx 3 min), chop up the cheddar cheese and toss them on top, turn off the heat and cover, and allow it to melt.  Split eggs in half, serve up on plates and throw down some salsa.

SF leftover eggs saute scramble

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PIMP THAT SHRIMPY ASS-PARAGUS SALAD

July 28, 2009
Pimp that shrimp like a chimp with a limp

Pimp that shrimp like a chimp with a limp

First off, my apologies for yesterdays post.  I think I ate the brown acid again.  As penance, please accept this kick ass salad that is scrumptious, packed with protein and an aphrodisiac quadruple threat.  This dish will not disappoint in the pimping department.  All those flavors will be out working the corner for you, luring johns and janes in for a little cat scratch fever.  Once they get a taste, they will be customers for life…or until you kick their ass to the curb in favor of a better paying/looking clientele.  Always remember that a good pimp is a kind pimp.  No need to rough up the goods by tossing that salad too hard.  A couple good shakes will put the flavor hos in line to do your bidding.  Now get out there and get that money, honey!

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $17
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

shrimp asparagus salad prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash CAYENNE PEPPER
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 tbsp red wine vinegar
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 1 small handful jack cheese
6. 1 red bell pepper chopped coarsely
7. ½ lb ASPARAGUS spears
8. 1 small handful BASIL chopped finely
9. 1 small handful parsley chopped finely
10. ½ lemon
11.½ lb cook SHRIMP, tails removed
12. 2 large handfuls fresh spinach

Step 1
Cut the stems off the asparagus spears and blanch them in a thin layer of water (approx 5 min).  Chop the asparagus in half.
shrimp asparagus salad steam chop
Step 2
While the asparagus blanches, create the dressing by combining the basil, parsley, cayenne pepper, salt, red wine vinegar and olive oil.
shrimp asparagus salad dressing
Step 3
Toss the red bell pepper, shrimp, asparagus, dressing and lemon.  Allow it to marinate in the fridge (approx 20 min).
shrimp asparagus salad toss
Step 4
Place half the spinach on each plate and crown with jack cheese.  Drain the dressing from the shrimp and veggies and split up the goods.
shrimp asparagus salad assemble
Serve as perfect lunch salad or follow it up with something meaty like ROASTED CHICKEN RUB DOWN.
shrimp asparagus salad served

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