March 14, 2016
Serve senoritas bonitas fajitas
Cactus isn’t just an icon of the American Southwest. It isn’t just a sharp nuisance that plagues the likes of Wile E. Coyote. No, mi amigos. Cactus is also the source of water when you are lost in the dessert. It can be used as a weapon to protect yourself from Area 51 aliens or the worm creatures from Tremors. But few recognize that it is damn tasty and mighty nutritious. I learned this when I was visiting relatives in Santa Fe from a beautiful mixed Mexican/Native American girl named Lupita. She thought I was funny and for some reason invited me to her mother’s adobe pueblo for lunch. My gringo senses were shocked to see Lupita’s mama slicing up a cactus nopales she cut off massive peyote cactus in their front yard. It was love at first bite. The taste of this imaginative style of fajitas got my mind and loins racing. Sadly, Lupita is a good Catholic girl and did not fall for my charms. I instead plotted how to make this dish my own so I could employ it on my future Lupitas. This dish rarely fails to impress and inspire my dates…to get naked.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Cerveza and more cerveza!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cactus nopales
3. 2 teaspoons of fajita seasoning
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. 1 onion chopped into long strips
6. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
7. 1 pound of chicken cut into bit sized strips
8. 1 handful of shredded jack cheese
9. ½ sliced avocado
10. 6 corn tortillas heated (not pictured)
Sprinkle the chicken with 1 teaspoon of the fajita seasoning and allow the flavor to absorb (approx 5 minutes). Stir fry the chicken in olive oil and cook through. Set aside.
Slice off the cactus spikes, skin and edges, then cut into strips. Heat olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the onion until they soften (approx 2 minutes), then toss in the cactus and tomatoes, and sprinkle 1 teaspoon of fajitas seasoning. Stir it around until the tomatoes dissolve and become a spicy sauce coating the onions and cactus (approx 4 minutes). Set aide.
Create a fajita filling station that will give your date(s) an option of what to take. This will allow vegetarians and vegans to assemble something unobjectionable. With any luck, there will be plenty of objectionable activities to follow.
July 30, 2014
I wrapped these tasty morsels up in lettuce and God said it was good.
You read that right. These lettuce wraps are no joke. Dr. Atkins is saluting them from his cloud in heaven. How could this much flavor be packed into such a low carb treat? Is it a miracle? Did God communicate this recipe to me from atop the mountain like Moses on Mount Sinai? The answer to all these questions is “You damn skippy!” This creation has absolutely nothing to do with the fact there was no bread in my house. Poppycock to those heretics who suggest otherwise. And the crowd of one I served it was certainly happy and surprised by the result. She too doubted that it would work. But I converted her into a believer. Can I get an amen? Read the rest of this entry »
April 28, 2014
Toss it, toss it, TOSS THAT SALAD!
“Sometimes you gotta get your apple cleaned!” says my friend working overseas in Hong Kong. I don’t know what that means, but sure. I suppose you could say the same for getting your salad tossed. I’m still unclear on what exactly that means, but I know it’s filthy so get down with the get down. But rather than get lost in semantics, why don’t I tell you a little about this recipe? This dish is sure to get what ever you want tossed. Just don’t toss your cookies, unless you’re into that kinky German shit. Pour me another hefeweizen if that’s your bag. The era of the wrap may be waning, but quick healthy nibbles never go out of style. Portable salad can bring the nasty noise wherever you want to go. A horny hike? Yes! Sex on the beach? Big time! On the International Space Station? Cum in, Houston! The Toss Your Salad Wrap can also be served on a platter to a party where you can pick up a few phone numbers. This SINWICH is just that versatile. You should be too. Read the rest of this entry »
December 1, 2010
That's the musty smell of a quickie, not the fishy scent of the sandwich.
Who says quickies can’t be romantic, satisfying and straight up sexy? Clearly these pantywaists have never gone home on a lunch break to bang like a jackhammer fast, furious and effective. Those who do know relish that all-too-familiar feeling of awesomeness when you get back to the office, grinning ear to ear. Your coworkers will assume that you ate a great sandwich, which is technically true. The fact that you made sandwiches between the sheets is beside the point. Between driving home, banging like a thoroughbred and then driving back to work, time to eat is limited. Lucky for you there are fast, simple, refreshing meals like this sandwich to recharge your battery for the long afternoon that lies ahead. Plus you are putting leftovers from last night to work. Pat yourself on the back for being so resourceful. You are an inspiration to us all! Read the rest of this entry »
April 5, 2010
Wrap it right, wrap it tight.
A fine ass like that deserves to be wrapped up in life’s fineries. Exalt that perfect behind with the TLC it deserves. At least that’s how I approach the perfect booty. Damn close to worship. I show it a good time, probably a better time than the body and mind attached. One surefire method to be hospitable to said ass is to wrap up the asparagus aphrodisiac amazingness with meaty magic. Roll roll, drip drip, sizzle sizzle, mmm mmm! They’re so good your collective lusts may win out over your hunger for the rest of dinner.
Total time: 7 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking buddy: Pinot Noir or Pinot Gris
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 8 ASPARAGUS spears
2. 8 strips bacon (piggy, turkey, or veggie)
3. 2 dashes salt
4. 1 lemon wedge
First wash the asparagus and cut 1 inch off the bottoms. Wrap the asparagus in bacon at an angle tightly. Salt as you wish.
Warm up the griddle or pan on medium heat. Throw the bacon-wrapped asparagus in and cook, squeezing the lemon juice over as the bacon starts to sizzle. Cook until the down side of the asparagus browns (approx 3 min) before rolling them over. Salt the other side and cook the other side until it browns (approx 2 min).
August 13, 2009
The big fig gets the smokiest meat
For the record, I am totally gay for figs. They are one of history’s oldest fruits. Ever hear of the hanging gardens of Babylon? Figs hung proudly there and flavored many ancient meals. No doubt these edible APHRODISIACS were all over the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve just had to sample the far blander apple and ruin everything. Not that there’s anything wrong with apples, knowledge or original sin. Figs are just tastier, sexier and more likely to get you laid. Sexy time is nearly certain once you wrap the figs up with Italian prosciutto and throw in some creamy Brie cheese. Run, don’t walk to your nearest quality grocer and slice off a piece of the Garden of Eden.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red Wine or a SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Brie cheese
2. 4 fresh FIGS
3. 4 prosciutto slices
Quarter the figs and add small slices of Brie to each section. Pull off long strips of proscuitto and wrap each fig/brie unit. Serve up on a plate or laid across your naked body.