POTATO SKIN FLUTES♫♪

April 4, 2016
Lead your enchanted hordes with the glorious tune of your Potato Skin Flute.

Lead your enchanted hordes with the glorious tune of your Potato Skin Flute.

The flute is an enchanting instrument that when played right can control the minds of the captivated audience.  Pan rocked his pipes and outplayed Mt. Olympus’s residents. The Pied Piper inspired people to follow him like sheep, dancing like fools through meadows and forests.  Even Saint Patrick the heartthrob priest used a wind instrument to drive the snakes out of Ireland.  You too can enjoy such greatness if you embrace and master your own flute (or your man’s).  Play that flute beautifully with precision and attention to detail and they will follow you anywhere you want to go.  Just imagine the possibilities once you have someone under your flute’s spell and yearning for your next note.  Audiences can be fickle so keep them fed so the flute party keeps going.  Savory Potato Skin Flutes will do the trick.  Cheeky, cheap and cheesy!  You’ll be back playing the final crescendo in no time. ♪

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a MO MOJO MOJITO

tater-skins-prepIngredients (for two):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. Sour cream for dipping
6. ½ cup of shredded jack (or cheddar) cheese
7. 1/3 cup of shredded Parmesan
8. 1 JALAPEÑO chopped into thin round slices
9. 3 potatoes
10. 2 coarsely chopped green onions (optional, not pictured)

Step 1

Preheat the oven to 475 degrees F.  Create the potato skin glaze by mixing the olive oil, paprika, salt, pepper, and Parmesan in a bowl.

tater-skins-glaze

Step 2

Wash the potatoes thoroughly, and then cut them in half and scoop out the centers with a spoon, leaving the skins in tact.  Place the 6 potato skins in a greased baking pan, apply the glaze evenly over all and toss them in the oven to bake (approx 7 minutes).  Pull the pan out of the oven and flip the skins over and bake until they brown (approx 7 minutes).  Flip the skins back over and throw in the jalapeños (and green onions if you wish) and cover them with cheese. Toss the skins back in the oven until the cheese melts (approx 2 minutes).  Serve those bad boys up on a plate with sour cream and if you are feeling bold, GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE.

tater-skins-halve-scoop-brush-bake-stuff

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LICK MY ZUCCHINI STICK

March 28, 2016
zucchini sticks served

You gotta lick it before you zucchini stick it!

I’m not trying to be crass.  It’s just an open invitation for your tongue.  Do what you gotta, but the door is always open.  This is for your benefit after all. Much like Christmas or Hanukkah, I get way more pleasure giving than receiving.  I assure you this arrangement will be mutually beneficial and your tongue will likely be writing me a thank you note or, at the very least, a Facebook poke.  When your tongue is done licking, you’ll be good to go for any number of sporting events or tailgating parties. Then you’ll be the one whose stick all the cool kids want to lick. Monday football never tasted so naughty!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or BANGARITA

zucchini sticks prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ¼ cup breadcrumbs
3. Ranch dressing to dip
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash garlic salt
6. 2 dashes dry BASIL flakes
7. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
8. 1 zucchini
9. 2 eggs

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C.  Cut the ends off the zucchini and then cut into bite-sized sticks.
zucchini sticks chop
Step 2
Create the breading by combining the breadcrumbs, black pepper, garlic salt, basil and cayenne pepper.  In a separate bowl, beat the eggs.
zucchini sticks breading
Step 3
Grease a pan with olive oil.  Dip each zucchini stick in eggs and then roll in the breading.  Place each stick in the pan, leaving room between them.  Throw them in the oven and bake until the breading browns (approx 7-10 min).
zucchini sticks dip bake
Serve this lower-fat FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY up with the ranch and score a touchdown.

zucchini sticks served 2

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OH GOD, DON’T STOP! JALAPEÑO POPPERS

March 27, 2016
Once you popper, you can’t stop her

Once you popper, you can’t stop her

Most North American sports bar patrons have consumed twice their weight in deep fried jalapeños poppers. Sure they are goddamn satisfying as the cheese stains your shirt, your team scores, and you toast with your third beer. Jalapeño poppers just aren’t sexy fried, period. Don’t even think about getting kinky with an order of twelve poppers with ranch on the side.  But when you got ‘em baking, you can start shaking.  Suddenly the crowd-pleasing appetizer is both edible and credible. The poppers are perfectly portable treat for tailgating, potlucks and the occasional swingers party.  But if you want to CTB, serve your basketball fuck-buddy finger food.  You are sure to score a touch down.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes

Projected cost: $4

Drinking Buddy: Beer, this is bar food

jalepeno-poppers-prepIngredients:

1. 1/3 cup of flour

2. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs

3. 1 tablespoon of honey

4. 2 tablespoons of milk

5. ½ teaspoon of paprika

6. 3 ounces of cream cheese

7. 2 handfuls of shredded jack/mozzarella cheese

8. 1 egg

9. 5 jalapeños spilt lengthwise, stalks cut, seeds and veins removed

Step 1

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Mix the cheeses with the honey and paprika.  Spread enough of the cheese mixture to just fill the hollow jalapeños.

jalepeno-poppers-cheese

Step 2

Mix up the egg with the milk and paprika.  Separate the flour, egg mixture, and breadcrumbs in separate bowls.  Dip each cheesy jalapeño first in flour, then egg mixture, and finally breadcrumbs.  Set out on a foil covered baking pan.

jalepeno-poppers-dipped

Step 3**

Shove the baking pan full of prepped jalapeños in the oven.  Bake until the breading browns and the cheese begins to ooze out the side.  (Approx 30 min)  Now you’re good to serve it up on a platter with ranch or ketchup.  Who’s the player now?

jalepeno-poppers-baked

**This is the baking method. You could skip this step and deep fry it in oil. But frying isn’t sexy.  Trust me!

jalepeno-poppers-served-2

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CHICKEN WING FLING

March 25, 2016
Who's up for a fling with some chicken wings?

Who’s up for a fling with some chicken wings?

These chicken wings were made in a rush for a party watching the NBA Finals. It is the only time even non-basketball geeks hop aboard the fan-wagon. That was certainly the case with my buddy’s girlfriend and her sorority sisters. Uninformed, screaming girls and high stakes sports don’t mix. But one of them had a cute smile that screamed “bad girl on board”. So I ignored the game and made sure she tried my latest and greatest recipe. The spicy, APHRODISIAC triple-threat in the wings did the trick. We both blew off the party to have our own NBA: National Banging Association. I just found out who won the game because I have been her sexual captive.

chicken wing fling prepTotal time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a BANGARITA

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp of HONEY
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of brown sugar
4. 4 green onions chopped coarsely
5. 1 lb of defrosted chicken wings
6. ½ a lemon
7. 1 handful of chopped BASIL

Step 1
Marinate the chicken in the lemon, cilantro, green onions, brown sugar, honey and Sriracha sauce.  Mix it together and allow it to marinate in the fridge (at least 15mins).
chicken wing fling marinate
Step 2
Cook the wings in a large deep pan on medium-high heat.  Cover the chicken and cook until meat browns (approx 15 min).  Flip the chicken, recover and cook until all the sauce cooks into the meat (approx 10 min).
chicken wing fling cook
Serve up the wings up solo or with your favorite condom-ment.
chicken wing fling served 2

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FIGGY PIGGY PIZZA

March 23, 2016
A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

I ain’t too proud to admit I’ve porked some sows in my day.  Who of you can claim you never once compromising your standards in the pursuit of ass?  That lone ranger stoically standing all alone on the hill can pat his/herself on the back.  The rest of you know what I’m talking about.  Like I said, these are not my proudest moments.  But I believe in living life free of regret. So what if my friends taunted me mercilessly? There are photos floating somewhere out there of me in college dressed like Hugh Hefner sucking face with what was described to me as “an oompa loompa in a cheerleader costume”.  It was Halloween, damnit!  Jack Daniels was the bastard responsible.  Thank goodness there are compromises like this pizza.  It packs a wallop of flavor from the prosciutto and figs, but minimal carbs.  Now you can have your pig, eat it too, and not be embarrassed to admit it your friends.

fig brie prosciutto pizza prepTotal time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka!

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 lavash flatbread
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 slice prosciutto
4. 4 long slices Brie cheese
5. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Rub olive oil into the flatbread and scatter the green onion, figs, prosciutto, and Brie slices.

fig brie prosciutto pizza assemble

Step 2
Bake the pizza in the oven until the edges brown (approx 10 min).  Remove from the oven and cut into 6-8 slices.

fig brie prosciutto pizza bake

Serve up as FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY or as a warm up to some stunning ENTRÉE.

fig brie prosciutto pizza served 2

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CHICKEN LETTUCE D-CUPS

March 21, 2016
Your D-cups fill out nicely!

Your D-cups fill out nicely!

This dish is stacked!  I mean the cups are full and voluptuous.  Ain’t no flat-chested FINGER FOOD here. No need for implants to help these fill out. The chicken breasts are supple and pouting, not to mention double-D-licious!  I have enjoyed this dish many times in the company of dates at fine Chinese restaurant and not so fine ones that rhyme with PF WANGS.  But only when I made it at home did I realize how simple, tasty, and awesome this dish can be.  Blow you date away with some familiar, but so much better since you made it with your own two hands.  Take a hold of those lettuce D-Cups, caress, fondle and then let your mouth get to work.

chicken lettuce d-cups prepTotal time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Beer or CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (for 2):
1. Plum or hoisin sauce (at your discretion)
2. 1 tbsp soy sauce
3. 1 tbsp vegetable oil
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 small lettuce head
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 3 mushrooms sliced thinly
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. 1 handful chopped peanuts

Step 1
Mince the chicken finely with your sharpest knife.  Marinate it in the soy sauce and oyster sauce (approx 15 min).
chicken lettuce d-cups marinate
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, green onions and mushrooms with vegetable oil until they soften (approx 3 min).  Throw in the chicken and the nuts and cook through (approx 4 min).
chicken lettuce d-cups saute
Step 3
Fill up the lettuce cups with the goods.  Add a teaspoon or so of the plum or hoisin sauce to each cup and then add a healthy scoop of the minced chicken filling.
chicken lettuce d-cups fill
Serve them up on a platter to share with the spirit of camaraderie and banging on your mind.
chicken lettuce d-cups served

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VALENTINES DOOMSDAY

February 14, 2016
Taste the love!

Taste the love!

The day is upon us. Tis a day so loaded with sentiment and expectation that you can cut the anxiety with a knife. The romantically inclined celebrate V Day as if you combined the significance of Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, Quanza, New Years and Groundhog Day. A single rose or the karats in a diamond become more important than the cures for cancer, the failing economy and erectile dysfunction. It CAN be a beautiful thing.

But I advise the players out there to turn off your phone, unplug your computer and, if necessary, fake your own death. Get off the grid for a few days. Let the Romantic Armageddon pass you by while you play Nintendo in your fallout shelter. Otherwise you are inviting a shit-storm by being disingenuous. What’s the point? The consequences will extend way past February and may involve a restraining order because your car brakes were cut. There are 364 other days to get laid without propping up your carnal connection as genuine lovemaking.

All cynicism aside, Valentines Day provides an amazing opportunity to COOK TO BANG. Sure you can go to some fancy restaurant. But why? You’ll drop your whole paycheck on the check for overpriced, crappy food and service. And that’s if you can even get a reservation. Keep it casual at your place and you are sure to have a great meal, plus round upon round of monkey sex. The extra effort you put into cooking something exceptional from scratch will demonstrate you truly do care, even if you don’t. With that in mind, below are some CTB favorites that will send the right message, whatever that message might be:

“SORRY I HAD A THREESOME WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND AND SISTER.”
So you messed up big time. Wipe the smirk off your face because now that you’ve gone to heaven, you have to crawl your way out of hell. It’s time to pull out the big guns and prove that you deserve a second, third or tenth chance:
FLAT ON YOUR BACK FLATBREAD PIZZA
PORTOBELLO BORDELLO
PINCH YOUR ASS-BERRY BROWNIES

“IF IT WASN’T VALENTINES DAY I WOULD HAVE DUMPED YOU ALREADY.”
You meant to end things before Christmas, but you thought that seemed cruel. Then their cat died in January. So now it’s V Day and while their voice makes you want to go postal, you must bide your time before you say adieu. Go for the bare minimum, but try to avoid the inevitable nagging and save yourself a few bucks for when you become single:
SU-SWEATY BALLS-O-YAY!
LET’S BANG S’MORE

“YOU’RE JUST A BOOTIE CALL”
Same sentiment as above. This person falls into the category “If You Don’t Love Somebody, Love the One You’re With.” Bootie calls are a fragile relationship. They haven’t met your friends and family for good reason. Don’t give the impression they ever will. But at the same time, don’t ever let that on, even if it seems obvious since you have never called them before 11pm:
TOMATILLOS PARA MIS AMIGOS BENEFICIOS
KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES

“HAVE WE REALLY BEEN DATING FOR 4 YEARS?”
Yes, I’m afraid so. Clearly this relationship is an extended fling you both have just gotten used to. But that doesn’t mean you can just opt out of this most romantic of days. And since you are clearly just going through the motions, try this menu out. You might just eke out a little pleasure-free sport-fucking.
YES WE CAN-TALOUPE!
SUCK-ULENT SUSHI SINWICH
LECHEROUS LEMON BARS

“I KICKED EVERYONE ELSE TO THE CURB FOR YOU.”
So you are a reformed player now. You burned your black book, canceled your Internet dating account, and said goodbye to your stable of sexpots. The person you are with is just that much better than those other bimbos/mimbos. Show them how you feel with a menu that says “You’re worth not having great sex with a different person every night.”
TAP THAT ASS-PARAGUS SOUP
BEGGIN’ FOR BACON WRAPPED SCALLOPS
BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES

“WE JUST STARTED DATING, BUT I REALLY REALLY DIG YOU!”
Head over heels, are we? Glad to hear it. It’s time to show them just how spectacular they are. Clearly this relationship is new and you don’t want to come on too strong. But you want to plant seeds that will blossom into two trees intertwined. So dazzle them without overwhelming them with a little culinary flare.
DON’T ARTICHOKE YOUR CHICKEN
MISO HORNY COD
DOUBLE DIP THE TIP IN CHOCOLATE

“WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
It’s time to pop the question. You’re thinking, “So what if proposing on Valentines Day is cliché?” Forget the haters, put your player days behind you, and get on your knees…after you serve up something special.
CAMBODIAN LOVE ROLLS
SMACK MY BISQUE UP
MACKA-DADDY-A CRUSTED AHI WITH PONZU ISRAELI COUSCOUS
STROKE MY BANANA FOSTER

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