April 8, 2009
Don’t chicken out when chicken out a perfect ass!

Don’t chicken out when chicken out a perfect ass!

From here it looks pretty damn good.  Firm and spankable for sure.  What?  I can’t help admiring your fine posterior.  You’ve been blessed.  That DOES NOT make me a pervert!  I may be a pervert, but for doing things far worse than staring at your glorious behind for the last 20 minutes.  Quite frankly, if you didn’t want people staring you would have worn some ugly khaki cargo pants instead of that hot number that screams out, “Hey, everyone!  Check out my amazing ass!”  So there.  You must be hungry from being so goddamn hot.  Why don’t you sit down and allow me to make a peace offering.  Try this chicken salad that is superior to any found in the Milky Way Galaxy.  Seriously, Zorvax who writes for Zagat across the Universe assured me of that.  He said it’s even better than the succulent salad made from space chickens on the planet Nebulon’s furthest moon.  Now sit your luscious ass right here…on my lap.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: White wine or an ice cold RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

chicken-salad-prepIngredients (serves 3):
1. 1 teaspoon of black pepper
2. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
3. 1 teaspoon of red wine vinegar
4. 1 Fuji apple
6. 1 green endive
7. ½ lime of juice
8. ½ lb of white meat chicken
9. 1 handful of PINE NUTS
10. 8 Kalamata olives

Step 1
Chop out the core of the apple and then slice into long thin pieces.  Cut the stalk off the endive and cut every ¼ inch down.  Chop the olives up finely.  Halve the avocado, and then cut thin long slices.
Step 2
Marinate the chicken in limejuice and black pepper (approx 10 minutes).  Pan-fry the chicken until it cooks all the way through, flipping to cook both sides evenly (approx 5 minutes).  Finally, cut the chicken into long thin strips.
Step 3
Throw the apples, endives, olives, pine nuts, avocado and chicken into a big salad bowl.
Step 4
Add the mayonnaise and red wine vinegar and toss it all together evenly.  Then serve it up, unless you have already commenced groping your date.

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March 25, 2009
There's a nympho mermaid off the starboard bow!

There's a nympho mermaid off the starboard bow!

Hop into my endive boat and we can sail away to an island far far away.  The boat is fully loaded with all manner of extravagances.  A team of attentive monkey butlers who are never too busy making us fresh fruit SMOOTHEES to rub our bunions staffs the boat.  Did I mention we have a smiling octopus captaining the ship?  Seven tentacles control every aspect of the ship, leaving the last tentacle to sip MOJITOS.  We can shuffleboard the afternoon away against our robotic arm competition.  A chorus of endangered and extinct songbirds will serenade us while we dance the night away on the deck with lightning bugs setting the mood.  I bet you never thought all this could be possible from a little finger food.  Ye of little faith!  Accept that this appetizer shall get your date in the mood to sail away to Pleasure Island this night.  Ahoy there!

endives-nibbles-prep1Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $8

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of HONEY
2. 1 pear
3. 1 handful of raw walnuts
4. Small handful of Roquefort cheese
5. 1 large red endive

Step 1
Wash the endive thoroughly.  Chop the stalk off and separate out the intact leafs to fill like boats.  Cut off narrow pear strips that can fit inside the endive boats.
Step 2
Use a butter knife to fill each endive boat with Roquefort cheese.  Place pieces of walnut over the cheese, followed by a slice of pear.  Once they are all assembled, drizzle the honey evenly over the filled endive boats and serve.

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