August 3, 2015
Brie-lieve in yourself, and your date will believe any BS you tell them.
Your idea of fine wine and cheese may be a box of Franzia and cheese whiz on a Ritz. But that road will lead you down a date with your own reflection, or possibly your mom’s bridge club treasurer. You would be much better served taking a few minutes to razzle dazzle your sexy someone with some tricks of the oven. Serving Brie cheese screams out, “I am indeed sophisticated and quite possibly speak French…when I’m not freelancing as an art appraiser for the Royal Family that is.” I concocted this delight after seeing something similar dish at a dinner party. The chef responsible was forced to endure pointed questions about how and what from the cutest girl at the table. Naturally, I took note of both the chef in question’s game and his rock star recipe. Some tweaks were in order to turn it into kryptonite for the most frigid of lust interests. Walnuts make everything better, particularly when brown sugar caramelizes them into a dish heretofore unstoppable. If baked Brie served with bread and a bottle of cabernet won’t get the job done, I suggest a trip to the vet to get neutered.
1. 1/8 stick of butter
2. 1 handful of crushed walnuts
3. 2 tablespoons of brown sugar
4. 5 thin slices of a pear
5. 1 pie piece of Brie cheese
Preheat the oven to 300 degrees. Grease a baking pan with a little butter. Use the pear slices as a bed for the brie to sit on top of. Use the rest of the butter and spread over the brie. Spread the brown sugar evenly over the brie/butter. Finally crown it all with the walnuts like the royalty that it is.
Throw your culinary creation into the oven and bake for 30 minutes. The brown sugar will be caramelized and the cheese supple as a Vestal Virgin. Serve on plate with slices of French bread or crackers and let the wanton lust take control of the mighty impressed object of your affection.
October 29, 2014
Rock it all night long, til the break-a-break-a-dawn-let!
The butt crack of dawn will reveal its cruel self after you’ve been up all night dancing the horizontal mambo. But shame mixed with glee over the unspeakable acts of last night will subside when you take control in the kitchen. Sure you are short on sleep and long on orgasms. Your day may be shot being a productive worker bee turning society’s cogs. But don’t give up on today. Those bleary-eyes should see a world full of possibilities and reassessed plans. Get yourself the right nutrients and you can push right on through into the evening, banging all the way. Nothing says, “Good morning, now let’s get back to bed!” like an omelet. It’s got protein, veggies and the challenging flip that will fuel your body so you can break yet even more of God’s laws. Remember that in the name of banging, sometime you have to crack a few eggs. Read the rest of this entry »
July 30, 2014
I wrapped these tasty morsels up in lettuce and God said it was good.
You read that right. These lettuce wraps are no joke. Dr. Atkins is saluting them from his cloud in heaven. How could this much flavor be packed into such a low carb treat? Is it a miracle? Did God communicate this recipe to me from atop the mountain like Moses on Mount Sinai? The answer to all these questions is “You damn skippy!” This creation has absolutely nothing to do with the fact there was no bread in my house. Poppycock to those heretics who suggest otherwise. And the crowd of one I served it was certainly happy and surprised by the result. She too doubted that it would work. But I converted her into a believer. Can I get an amen? Read the rest of this entry »
May 16, 2014
Be invested in vestal virgins devirgination.
Being a vestal virgin in the Roman Empire was a pretty sweet gig. The priestesses had only to perform sacred duties in the temple and not give into sexual temptation. It must have been difficult laying around all day in loose fitting togas in bathhouses. You can be sure that there were a few brash Roman dudes who wanted a piece of that priestess ass. Luring one of these holy hotties over to the baser world of grunts and fluids required finesse. No doubt, some of these young fools would fight each other to the death in gladiator style. Suckers. The smart ones would employ the Cook To Bang method. This simple sandwich with vivacious veggies courtesy of Gods Pomona & Facunditas could break their cursed celibacy spell.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 4 spreads of Dijon mustard
2. 2 handfuls of mozzarella
3. 2 English Muffins
4. ½ an AVOCADO
5. 4 BASIL leaves
6. ½ a pear cut sliced thinly
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ a tomato sliced thinly
Split the English Muffins and spread Dijon mustard on each half. Place slices of pear, tomato, basil and avocado. Drop a handful of mozzarella cheese and crown it with green onions.
Toast the sandwiches to dark brow or bake them at 350 degrees F until the cheese melts.
Serve the sinwiches up some HOT LIQUID LOVE.
September 17, 2013
Get ready for a booty quake that will shake your whole neighborhood. Be sure that you take precautionary measures while making this salad like wearing safety goggles, a fireproof apron and remain under a doorway. You don’t want blunt objects falling from the cabinet. Concussions really aren’t as sexy as celebrities make them out to be. But still 9 out of 10 famous people agree that this salad gets them hot and bothered. Their overpaid asses move, groove and behoove you to adore them. Go with it. Each bite is a fruity journey to the center of your pleasure dome. Serve this salad only to those whose asses you are keen to see shake in the moonlight. Otherwise your retinas may burn from an unspeakable spectacle. Read the rest of this entry »
December 28, 2010
Pom pom pomegranate, pom pom pomegranate, pomegranate, master of fruit!
The seedy, juicy, messy Biblical fruit has invaded my kitchen. This so-called super fruit is fabled to combat cancer, heart disease and ugliness. The juice stains deep red so it has to be the mark of something special, right? Naturally, wanting to make sure my readers are not only sexually satisfied, but healthy enough to enjoy the vigorous exercise associated with banging, I am bringing the pomegranate into the COOK TO BANG fold. The seeds are a challenge to set free, but the joy they bring with each bite make them well worth the trouble. It’s not unlike removing a stubborn bra: you may jam your finger in an effort to set free a pair of glorious juggernauts. A little extra effort will pay off dividends when your date is touched by your concern for their health. Come dessert time it will be paid forward and hopefully again for breakfast. Now go on and shake it until you make it! Read the rest of this entry »
March 23, 2010
Frisee makes them easy peasy, but never sleazy
The easy route isn’t always the sleazy route. It can be downright classy if you do it up right. Few lettuce varieties scream sophistication and debonair style like frisee. You might as well be wearing a monocle and waistcoat when you serve it up. And easy doesn’t just apply to the simplicity of this salad’s assembly. Your date will certainly be up for it, whatever “it” may be. So get with it while the getting is good and easy. Take it frisee!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay, like a classy suburban housewife
Ingredients (serves 6)
1. 1 bunch frisee lettuce
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 tbsp rice vinegar
4. 1/2 tbsp HONEY
5. 1 pear sliced thinly
6. 1/2 AVOCADO in bite-sized pieces
7. 1 lemon wedge
Create the dressing by mixing the olive oil, lemon juice, rice wine vinegar, and honey.
Rinse the frisee, cut off the stems, and chop coarsely into pieces you can stuff in your mouth. Throw in the pear and avocado. Toss it all with the dressing and hot damn do you have yourself a salad.
This is the perfect warm up for a hearty main like PORTOBELLO BORDELLO or DATEY CHICKEN CHA CHA.