THAI HAPPY ENDING MUSSELS

December 7, 2015
It's the happiest ending on Earth!

It's the happiest ending on Earth!

You want happy ending?  You got happy ending.  No ending will be quite so happy as the one that follows this meal.  If you can’t get laid with mussels and wine, you will never get laid…with this date.  Move on.  Your pheromones must be reeking of something close to a hippo’s ass if this dish fails to land you in bed.  Steamed APHRODISIACS incarnate swimming in a broth of spicy awesomeness will unleash the alpha instinct left dormant by society’s deprogramming.  Embrace the power endowed in you and take what is yours.  The secret to steamed mussels success is that they are simple to make.  But your date doesn’t need to know that.  All they should be aware of is that this dish looks, smells and tastes impressive.  Think of this dish like some Eurasian rock star that defies classification unless you are classifying something as ethereal.  Now get out there and pretend cooking these mussels is worthy of a Nobel Prize!  I already received my prize…in the bottom of a box of cereal. Read the rest of this entry »


PIMPIN’ PUMPKIN SOUP

November 18, 2015
Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella's, but with way more umph!

Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella’s, but with way more umph!

Halloween is upon us.  Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined.  Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for destruction.  Unspeakable acts of mayhem and perversion have occurred on my Halloween watch.  The fact I don’t remember much of it seems beside the point.  The pretentious side of me finds the whole transformation thing very Kafka, while the idiotic derelict in me just thinks it’s a great excuse become reckless.  So I always apply this theory to my pumpkins each year.  My Halloween tradition is to purchase two pumpkins, one to carve into sarcastic social commentary, and the other less pretty pumpkin I demand for free becomes something delicious. So I pimped my pumpkin into a soup with Thai-style flavor. The lucky lady who joined me for the jack-off-lantern carving party did agree and demonstrated her appreciation the old fashioned way…orally.

pimpin pumkin soup prepTotal time: approximately 50 minutes

Projected cost: $9

Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITOS

Ingredients (for six):

1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil

2. 4 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock to make vegan)

3. 2 cups coconut milk

4. 2-3 lb pumpkin

5. Salt at your discretion

6. 1 teaspoon dried lemongrass

7. 1 onion chopped coarsely

8. 1 small handful of freshly sliced GINGER

9. Lime wedges to squeeze into soup

Step 1

Cut the ends off the pumpkin, skin it, slice in half, scoop out the seeds and gunk, and slice into chunks.

pimpin pumkin soup pumpkin

Step 2

Sauté the ginger and onions with 1 tbsp of olive oil, spicing it with lemongrass (approx 5 min).  Add the pumpkin, throw in the remaining olive oil and sauté until the pumpkins soften (approx 7 min).

pimpin pumkin soup saute

Step 3

Add the stock and bring to a boil.  Turn the heat down low and simmer (approx 35 min).  Puree the soup, add the coconut milk, and heat through.  Squeeze some lime into each bowl you ladle up.

pimpin pumkin soup stock coconut lime

Serve up this with some Thai NOODLES and you’re sure to have a happy ending.

pimpin pumkin soup served

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CHILLIN’ GRILLIN’ ILLIN’ SALAD

August 31, 2015
You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!

You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!

This grilled chicken salad has all the fixings that will help you get that fix.  Been hard up for some attention of the leisurely kind?  Fret no more that you will die celibate and alone in a shack made of cow dung deep in the wilderness.  This salad should help you get back on your feet and banging once more.  Just step back and allow the grilled chicken to open up the flavor in this uber-healthy salad.  You can lure whichever conquest you have your heart set on with promised of a high protein, low calorie waltz on their tongue.  It’s an easy dish to play off like you threw it together without so much as a second thought.  You can leave the impression that this is how you always eat because you are that awesome and nonchalant.  Now you’ll have plenty of time to wow the shit out of your date with other impressive qualities like the ability to read palms, take out flies with a blowgun, and give someone an orgasm from across the room.  Go and get them…at your leisure. Read the rest of this entry »


NAUGHTY MAHI

January 26, 2015
Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!

Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!

There are a lot of slutty fish out there.  The puffer fish for one has been known to service just about anything aquatic with a pulse.  But no fish is quite so whorish as the mahi mahi.  Known to some as the dolphin fish, mahi mahi takes after their sex-crazed mammal namesake.  Dolphins are known to attempt banging humans, but dolphin fish manage to pull it off and usually on camera for a couple of fish.  I can imagine the Animal Planet viewers reading this believe I am making this up.  To these naysayers I warn, “Enter the water at your own peril…or pleasure.”  Getting molested by a large fish isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  First, you risk drowning long before you reach orgasm.  Second, you can be sure the dolphin fish will never call you again.  Don’t buy that it’s because fish don’t own phones.  The bastard could certainly borrow a phone from a fisherman or something.  But in spite of the slut factor of mahi mahi, they taste mighty fine.  Mahi mahi doesn’t require much prep time so there’s no need to wait like you would for some tease to put out until date 3.  Throw in some sautéed veggies, PAPAYA SALSA and avocado and your date will take on the trampy qualities so beloved in the Naughty Mahi. Read the rest of this entry »


BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY

December 15, 2014
This chicken curry will inspire you to bango like the tango.

This chicken curry will inspire you to bango like the tango.

This sexy dish was inspired by a mango chicken curry I had at an Indian restaurant in Sydney, Australia.  I’m not sure if it was the food or the beautiful waitress who served it to me, but something changed in me that day.  And I’m not just talking about the growth in my pants.  Mango and curry together unlock something primal.  Sweet, spicy and sensual.  You really can’t go wrong serving a date this…unless you accidentally spill the contents in their lap.  This happened to me.  But my date was more hungry than outraged so all was forgiven the moment she took her first bite.  I did have to dab up the mess on designer jeans.  But you form an intimate bond once you’ve cleaned curry off someone’s crotch.  Plus I removed my pants to make her feel more comfortable while her jeans were in the wash.  I’m empathetic like that. Read the rest of this entry »


POLENTA THEIR PANTS OFF

April 7, 2014
Polenta them down, all the way to the ground.

Polenta them down, all the way to the ground.

Sometimes you have to take decisive action to get your freak on.  That means going all in like in a high stakes game of poker and laying it all on the line.  Well, perhaps that analogy is wrong.  In fact, this recipe makes the art of culinary seduction seem easy.  Polenta screams out classy and sophisticated.  Just accept the compliment and go with it.  Let the aphrodisiac double threat (black beans & avocado) and rich collection of textures speak for you.  Don’t fret.  The pants will come off like some freaky scientific mystery.  I’ll give you a hint about the science: good food = great sex.  And critics say this site is not educational! Read the rest of this entry »


VIAGRA-MELON SOUP

August 23, 2011
Forget the little blue pill.  Try the big green melon!

Forget the little blue pill. Try the big green melon!

Are you feeling weak-willed, pathetic and flaccid?  You no longer have an excuse with this outstanding summer soup recipe.  Studies have proven that the citrulline in WATERMELON triggers arginine, the chemical in Viagra that gets male pistons pumping.  This soup will turbo charge your libido so you can take plenty of prisoners in the bedroom who won’t want to be released.  Stockholm Syndrome will be in effect with the amount of good loving you will be dishing out in a soup bowl.  Did I mention how refreshing chilled watermelon soup tastes, especially when you go for seconds after a particularly exhausting banging session?  Now get yourself to the market and then blow your dates mind, body and soul.  Boom-chicka-wah-wah! Read the rest of this entry »