November 26, 2015
Bang that turkey until it's goes gobble gobble gobble!
It’s time for the orphan round up! Many young professional go-getters moved far away from home to chase down a dream…and then bang it senseless. For us, going “home”, that place we grew up where our families and oldest friends are, is an impossibility. For most, it’s a matter of cash, or lack there of (too much cash spent drinking and chasing tail). It could be a matter of time (I’d rather drink), distance (That far for 4 days?!), or annoyance (If I hear dad ask me to explain my job one more time…). Whatever the case may be, you are sticking around for a stay-cation and will be attending a Friends Thanksgiving. What a perfect time to get banged by Little Orphan Annie or Andy!
Now’s the time to pounce on that someone you’ve had your eye on, or one your eye spots this evening. Lonely and single people eating and drinking together is a recipe for magical mistakes. Everyone there including you will be missing your families and seeking comfort. Who are you to deny a holiday hottie the warmth of your bed? You have so much to be thankful for. Show some gratitude by cooking to bang this holiday season. Read the rest of this entry »
June 8, 2012
Be sure no bear steals your picnic basket while you’re banging in the woods.
Food on the go doesn’t always mean artery-shattering fast food in greasy paper bags. Call it a picnic and suddenly you’re the classiest bastard alive. Cooking at home certainly makes post-meal banging a foregone conclusion, but sometimes you need to mix it up. Taking your homemade treats elsewhere can be an adventure that allows your date to get comfortable with you. The clear advantage to a picnic date is not blowing your paycheck at a restaurant. Plus it’s romantic in spite of it being a tad cliché. My retort to that is women always flock to recycled cliché romantic comedies ad nausea. Many a picnic date have yielded me randy rewards. One went so well that I was cited in a park for public indecency when my date and I were caught in the backseat of her Prius, which was surprisingly roomy. Apparently all the parents of impressionable youngsters didn’t appreciate our tomfoolery. Read the rest of this entry »
March 25, 2009
There's a nympho mermaid off the starboard bow!
Hop into my endive boat and we can sail away to an island far far away. The boat is fully loaded with all manner of extravagances. A team of attentive monkey butlers who are never too busy making us fresh fruit SMOOTHEES to rub our bunions staffs the boat. Did I mention we have a smiling octopus captaining the ship? Seven tentacles control every aspect of the ship, leaving the last tentacle to sip MOJITOS. We can shuffleboard the afternoon away against our robotic arm competition. A chorus of endangered and extinct songbirds will serenade us while we dance the night away on the deck with lightning bugs setting the mood. I bet you never thought all this could be possible from a little finger food. Ye of little faith! Accept that this appetizer shall get your date in the mood to sail away to Pleasure Island this night. Ahoy there!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITO or a RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of HONEY
2. 1 pear
3. 1 handful of raw walnuts
4. Small handful of Roquefort cheese
5. 1 large red endive
Wash the endive thoroughly. Chop the stalk off and separate out the intact leafs to fill like boats. Cut off narrow pear strips that can fit inside the endive boats.
Use a butter knife to fill each endive boat with Roquefort cheese. Place pieces of walnut over the cheese, followed by a slice of pear. Once they are all assembled, drizzle the honey evenly over the filled endive boats and serve.