COBB & BALLS SALAD

March 9, 2016
Bob Cobb would be proud...or he might be rolling in his grave.

Bob Cobb would be proud…or he might be rolling in his grave.

You can’t argue with a classic.  The Cobb Salad is a staple of any lunch spot.  But who says it can’t kick start a date into hyper drive?  It certainly passes the health stress test with the fiber, protein and low-fat content.  You almost forget how nourishing it is because each bite tastes like a magical mystery tour in your mouth.  The crunch of the lettuce, creaminess of the bleu cheese, aphrodisiac avocado explosion, & meaty monkey business in the chicken and bacon all lead you to one conclusion: God-fucking-damn!

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

cobb-n-balls-salad-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 teaspoon of olive oil
3. 2 teaspoons of red wine vinegar
4. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
5. 1 teaspoon of Dijon mustard
6. 1 handful + 1 teaspoon of bleu cheese crumbled
7. 3 strips of cooked bacon
8. 1 cooked chicken breast, grilled or baked
9. 1 AVOCADO diced into bite-sized pieces
10. 1 hard-boiled egg
11. 1 tomato diced

Step 1
Mix up the dressing by combining the Dijon mustard, ed wine vinegar, olive oil, black pepper and 1 teaspoon of blue cheese.  Set aside.
cobb-n-balls-salad-dress
Step 2
Wash the romaine, cut off the stock, then cut bite-size pieces of lettuce, and line the bottom of a salad bowl.  Throw the chopped tomato on top.  Slice the egg thinly and spread them out evenly.  Chop up the bacon into bits and spread it out too.  Chop the chicken breast into bite-sized pieces and scatter those on top.  Do the same with a handful of blue cheese and crown it all with avocado.
cobb-n-balls-salad-toss2
Step 3
Serve up the plates of salad, tonging up a plateful as is.  DO NOT TOSS!  You want the layers of Cobb glory to shine like a Tiffany diamond.  Scoop in your desired amount of dressing and let the good times roll.
cobb-n-balls-salad-plate-dressingcobb-n-balls-salad-prep-2

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GIFT TO BANG – HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE

December 21, 2015
Put down the crackberry.  Try the Chipotle Blackberry.
Put down the crackberry. Try the Chipotle Blackberry.

So now you’re down to the wire now.  You blew all your cash on gifts for the family and forgot about that certain someone who’s been keeping your bed warm at night. Whoops! Soon you will be going your separate ways giving each of you time to think and reflect.  This could be a very bad thing if you leave on a inconsiderate cheapskate note.  Giving them nothing likely will result in not getting some for a while if not ever.  Considering the holiday rush at the stores for anything worth a damn, why not skip all that noise?  Save time and money by getting DIY with some jarring, player.  HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE offers an aphrodisiac double threat with the chipotle chili kick and blackberry antioxidant money shot.  It’s spicy, it’s sweet, it’s versatile.  Spread it on a sandwich, marinate meat and fish and grill, turn it into a sexy salad dressing with some vinegar.  Hand all your special someones a jar to remember you by, with luck a part of you will be in their mouth even months later (if you pressure seal the jars).  Let jarring begin!

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MUY MACHO PAPAYA GAZPACHO

July 7, 2015

Sweet, spicy, totally macho.

I know what you’re thinking. How could a cold fruity summer soup be so macho? I’m glad you asked. The flavors don’t dance delicately like a ballerina upon your tongue. Fuck no! They river-dance to speed metal all over that tongue of yours with more flavors than you can shake your genitals at. Walls will bust open like the Kool-Aid Man’s back for revenge. Your date won’t wait for permission to ravish you. Mediterranean nymphs shan’t flutter, but grind into your ears with rubber mini-skirts. Does that answer your question? Read the rest of this entry »


BANGERINE SALAD

February 7, 2014

Bangerine your date's reluctance to smithereens!

Tangerines are a whorish fruit. While oranges, kiwis, and grapes are off to church to pray they won’t be eaten, tangerines rub their citrus all over everybody.  I’ve never met a fruit so eager for you to eat them out.  They are like that hot girl who realizes her true nature is to be a slut, regardless of what their family, friends and community think.  Fair enough I say.  Who am I to deny something so tasty the privilege of my mouth’s company?  Since tangerines are in season now and cheap (insert hooker reference here), I’m throwing them into the mix just about everywhere. In my salad? Obviously!  In my cereal? Why not!  In my eggs? My mornings have never been so skank-er-licious!  So inspire the whore in your date by serving up a salad with the sweet tangy flavor of bangerines! Read the rest of this entry »


BLOODY ORANGTASTIC SALAD

December 9, 2013

We're talking bloody in a good way.

“This salad is bloody fantastic!” These are the words of my limey friend who sampled this salad I threw together. And no, I did not cook to bang my mate. He’s been striking out with the birds as of late so I gave him a quick cooking tutorial. I believe the geezer has his sea legs now since he’s used my recipes to bed a few strumpets already. The problem is he keeps making the same few recipes I’ve taught him. Sounds like we’re just about ready for another lesson. Perhaps he can repay me by teaching me the finer points of football (as in soccer for the uninitiated). With World Cup coming up, I need good talking points to pick up Brazilians. In the mean time, enjoy this uber-healthy salad with me new favorite fruit, the blood orange, which is bloody orangtastic. Read the rest of this entry »


FRUITAY BOOTAY SALAD

September 17, 2013

fruity-booty-salad-served-22

Get ready for a booty quake that will shake your whole neighborhood.  Be sure that you take precautionary measures while making this salad like wearing safety goggles, a fireproof apron and remain under a doorway.  You don’t want blunt objects falling from the cabinet.  Concussions really aren’t as sexy as celebrities make them out to be.  But still 9 out of 10 famous people agree that this salad gets them hot and bothered.  Their overpaid asses move, groove and behoove you to adore them.  Go with it.  Each bite is a fruity journey to the center of your pleasure dome.  Serve this salad only to those whose asses you are keen to see shake in the moonlight.  Otherwise your retinas may burn from an unspeakable spectacle. Read the rest of this entry »


BLACKENED HEART CATFISH

May 25, 2012
Blackened Catfish, blacker heart

Blackened Catfish, blacker heart

I like my catfish to match the color of my heart: black.  At least that’s what every girl I just banged has said.  Apparently sleeping with someone with no emotion beyond “boy that was fun, but the fact she hasn’t left yet is starting to annoy me” is not nice guy behavior.  Who knew?  I try to make up for my morally bankrupt existence through my culinary endeavors.  Who’s to say that cooking a meal worthy of Jesus, Moses, Mohammed or Yoda can’t redeem oneself?  This blackened catfish should at least temporarily make up for my blackened heart. Read the rest of this entry »