So it’s game day. Are you ready for some football? Damn straight! Do you have your jersey? Check! Beer helmet? Mos def! The case of brewskies? You know it? The appetizer your friend asked you to bring for their Super Bowl party? Wait, what? You do know that the game starts in an hour, right? Oh, &$%#! Before you go postal on us, just know COOK TO BANG has a solution for you. This dish is simple enough for a syphilitic monkey to do and a guaranteed football crowd pleaser. You will inspire greatness in everyone attending who will then sing your praises, followed by a chorus of Queen’s “We Are The Champions.” Now that you have your theme song backing you up, turn your attention to that single hottie across the room. Walk right over, sit down next to them, and offer baked piece of heaven. Way to go, champ! Read the rest of this entry »
That’s right. I’m peeping your pineapples. Is that a problem? Am I offending you by leering? I can’t help it if them apples are all that and bag of lettuce…that happens to be in my hand. I come correct when it comes to lunchtime fare. This is the perfect lunch you finally make Saturday afternoon after spending the whole morning nursing a hangover and an extended orgasm. Then again, it makes a pretty bodaciously badass dinner salad to serve with a light ENTRÉE. With greens, meats and fruit this good together, I’m sure you can let my lecherous ways slide just this once. And while we’re on the subject of sliding, slide on over this way so we can slip slide the night away. As a delicious side note: pineapple makes certain male fluids taste better. Just looking for the ladies (and a the fab fellas) with oral fixations.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
1. 1 tsp red wine vinegar
2. 3 tbsp BBQ sauce
3. ½ tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 2 handfuls lettuce coarsely chopped
5. 2 handfuls pineapple cubed
6. 1 handful mozzarella shredded
7. 2 chicken breasts
8. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
Create the dressing by pureeing 1 small handful of pineapple, red wine vinegar, olive oil, and BBQ sauce.
Marinate the chicken with half the green onions and the BBQ sauce. Grill the chicken through with all of the BBQ marinade, flipping once (approx 2 min per side). Chop the chicken into bite-sized pieces.
Assemble the lettuce, pineapple, green onions, chopped chicken and toss your salad with the dressing.
From here it looks pretty damn good. Firm and spankable for sure. What? I can’t help admiring your fine posterior. You’ve been blessed. That DOES NOT make me a pervert! I may be a pervert, but for doing things far worse than staring at your glorious behind for the last 20 minutes. Quite frankly, if you didn’t want people staring you would have worn some ugly khaki cargo pants instead of that hot number that screams out, “Hey, everyone! Check out my amazing ass!” So there. You must be hungry from being so goddamn hot. Why don’t you sit down and allow me to make a peace offering. Try this chicken salad that is superior to any found in the Milky Way Galaxy. Seriously, Zorvax who writes for Zagat across the Universe assured me of that. He said it’s even better than the succulent salad made from space chickens on the planet Nebulon’s furthest moon. Now sit your luscious ass right here…on my lap.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: White wine or an ice cold RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 3):
1. 1 teaspoon of black pepper
2. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
3. 1 teaspoon of red wine vinegar
4. 1 Fuji apple
5. 1 AVOCADO
6. 1 green endive
7. ½ lime of juice
8. ½ lb of white meat chicken
9. 1 handful of PINE NUTS
10. 8 Kalamata olives
Chop out the core of the apple and then slice into long thin pieces. Cut the stalk off the endive and cut every ¼ inch down. Chop the olives up finely. Halve the avocado, and then cut thin long slices.
Marinate the chicken in limejuice and black pepper (approx 10 minutes). Pan-fry the chicken until it cooks all the way through, flipping to cook both sides evenly (approx 5 minutes). Finally, cut the chicken into long thin strips.
Throw the apples, endives, olives, pine nuts, avocado and chicken into a big salad bowl.
Add the mayonnaise and red wine vinegar and toss it all together evenly. Then serve it up, unless you have already commenced groping your date.