ORANGASMIC CATFISH

October 23, 2008
The only your time together can be more tender than this filet.

Only your time together should be more tender than this fillet.

This recipe is a variation on a dish made for an ex-girlfriend and I by the housekeeper of a rental house in Tulum, Mexico.  Naturally the ex went ape shit over this dish.  The sweetest revenge has been to employ this outstanding dish to bed a number of rebounds.  It’s best served with Mexican rice, steamed veggies and, if possible, a roasted peach or mango.  But a lazy slug can certainly get away with minute rice or over a simple salad.

Ingredients:
1. 2 catfish filets
2. 1 tablespoon achiote seasoning
3.  2 cloves of garlic chopped finely
4. 1 orange quartered
5. 1 Tablespoons of Olive Oil

Step 1
Rub the catfish filets with achiote seasoning and let it absorb for 15 minutes.

Step 2
Pour the olive oil in the pan and sauté the garlic for 30 seconds.

Step 3
Put catfish filets in the pan and squeeze the entire orange, pulp and all,  into the pan.  After a few minutes flip the filets so they cook evenly.

Step 4
Cook the fish until the orange juice has absorbed into the fish filets.  Now the fish serve over rice or a salad.

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CHEESY MEATY DATES

October 23, 2008
A Cheesy Meaty Date for your charming magical date.

A Cheesy Meaty Date for your charming magical date.

Appetizers and wine are usually all you need in the spirit of  “keeping it casual.”  This little ditty makes you look like a fancy French gourmand, ooh la la!  If this dish takes you any longer than 7 minutes to prepare then you probably too drunk, stupid, or both.  For an extra classy touch, have the dates cooking as your date walks in the door.  So impressed they will be, the fact these finger foods were an afterthought will be completely lost.

Ingredients:
1. 7 jellybean-sized chunks of goat cheese
2. 7 fresh medjoula dates split and de-pitted
3. 7 thin strips of bacon (turkey and veggie bacon work great)

Step 1
Stuff each split date with a piece of goat cheese and push them back together.   Wrap a bacon strip around each date.

Step 2
Place the dates on a section of tinfoil turned up on the sides so no grease runs.  Place in broiler (easy with a toaster oven) and cook until bacon browns.  Allow to cool and let them loose along with her animalistic attraction to you.
Variations:
•    Stuff with brie or bleu cheese
•    Wrap with prosciutto instead and serve cold

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APPLETASTIC NIPPLERS

October 23, 2008
Sorry, babe. This dish is the apple of my eye.

Sorry, babe. This dish is the apple of my eye.

Crisis mode!  You have been obsessing over your hair or possibly a microscopic zit and now your date is minutes away.  Dinner is nowhere in sight.  No problem.   You can have this simple recipe ready by the time they walk through the door ready to put something in their mouth!  This also kills at dinner parties and potlucks where you can dazzle the single hotties their with your prowess…in the kitchen.

Ingredients:
1. 1 apple sliced into slices the size of thick potato chips
2. slices of brie cheese equal in size to the apple
3. candied walnuts or pecans (found at most grocery stores)

Step 1
Take an apple slice and place a brie slice above and then a candied walnut on top.  Repeat until you have enough.

Step 2
Serve it up with some wine either before dinner or just say fuck it and drink the wine and get down to business.

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SHAKE YOUR FRIT-TATAS!

October 23, 2008
Shake it, baby! Shake some salt on those eggs.

Shake it, baby! Shake some salt on those eggs.

Congratulations!  If you are making this dish, your date slept over.  This dish takes a while so they better be worth it or you’re better off toasting some Eggos and stuffing them in a cab.  But if this is the ONE, or just an incredible lay you want to keep around, try this dish on for size.  It also works great for brunch with friends or family too.  Note that not all these ingredients are necessary and you can throw your own favorites in there, but you need the tortilla and eggs.

Ingredients:
1. 4 eggs beaten
2. 2 medium or one burrito sized tortilla
3. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
4. 1 sausage (chicken or pork) cut into thin bite sized pieces
5. 1 handful of spinach
6. ½ a tomato chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful of shredded
Mozzarella or cheddar

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Grease a small casserole dish with butter or olive oil.  Stuff the tortilla into the casserole dish so that it lines it.  Break up the tortilla if necessary.

Step 2
Add the spinach, sausage, tomato and green onions over the tortilla lined casserole dish.  Pour in the eggs, which should fall towards the bottom and submerge all the ingredients. Throw the shredded mozzarella on top.

Step 3
Bake the frittata for 35-45 minutes until it rises and the cheese on top should be browned like a crust.  Remove the dish from the oven and allow it to cool.  Finally cut it into squares and spatula up an appropriate sized chunk.  Serve with salsa, hot sauce or other flavors to sex it up.

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ROASTED CHICKEN RUB DOWN

October 23, 2008
Roasted Chicken Rub Down Served

Roasted Chicken Rub Down Served

Roasting a chicken is a lot like a slow, deliberate seduction: if you rush it you end up with cold meat and ecoli.  But done right it should get you laid plus provide you with some kick ass leftovers for sandwiches, salads or right off the bone, in the fridge, drunk.  This dish is hearty, proves you made the effort, and did I mention delicious?  It’s mostly prep work, then you can slide in the oven, bump the Barry White and boom-chicka-wa-wa!

Roasted Chicken Rub Down prep

Roasted Chicken Rub Down prep

Ingredients:

1. 1 Whole chicken hollow and defrosted
2. 1 whole onion chopped
3. 2 tablespoons of achiote seasoning
4. 1 handful of plucked rosemary
5. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
6. 8 small potatoes, sliced into bite sized pieces
7. 2 tablespoons of olive oil

Chicken, rubbed and stuffed.

Chicken, rubbed and stuffed.

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Stuff the chicken with the chopped onion and rub the achiote into the chicken skin, leaving a few clumps on top.

drizzle and dazzle

drizzle and dazzle

Step 2
Place the potatoes all around the chicken in the baking pan.  Place the garlic slices and rosemary evenly over the chicken and potatoes.  Drizzle the chicken with olive oil.

Chicken good to go

Chicken good to go

Step 3
Throw the chicken in the oven and roast for 1-1½ hours, occasionally flipping the potatoes so they smother in the juices on the pan’s bottom.  To make sure the bird is ready to please and not cause disease, slice into the leg or breast and make sure it’s cooked all the way through (as in not pink, dumb ass).

Step 4
Carve off sections of the bird whether they be thigh and leg (if you’re an ass man) or breast and wing (you get the point).  Serve up with the potatoes and some of the onions roasted inside the bird.  If your date doesn’t appreciate this, kick their ass out…stat!

Variations:
•    Squeeze a lemon over the chicken half way through roast for more tang
•    Add maple syrup for a sweeter taste
•    Stuff breadcrumbs into the chicken if you’re a carb lover

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MACKA-DADDY-A CRUSTED AHI PONZU ISRAELI COUSCOUS

October 23, 2008

This is a dish for the someone you really want to WOW into banging you.  I hope he or she’s worth it because sushi grade ahi isn’t cheap, but is delicious, healthy and gives you extra UMPH where it counts.  This is already a deal breaker meal.  Add a little mango salsa on the side and you would get laid even if you were a retarded midget with cat AIDS.

Ingredients:
1. 2 ½lb sushi grade ahi tuna steaks marinated in soy sauce, lime juice and chopped cilantro
2. 2 handfuls of pulverized raw macadamia nuts
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1/4 cup of ponzu sauce
5. 1 cup of Israeli couscous

Step 1
Prepare Israeli couscous as directed on box: brown the couscous in olive oil then add boiling water (measurement 1 part couscous to 1 1/3 part water).  Substitute so it’s 1 cup water & 1/3 cup ponzu sauce.  Bring to boil and then simmer for about 12 minutes until liquid evaporates.

Step 2

Use the moisture from the ahi’s marinade to help form a thin, even macadamia nut crust over the steaks.

Step 3
Sear the ahi steaks in a pan or over a grill for a 1-1½ minutes on each side so the macadamia crust has browned along with edges of the fish, but it’s still a glorious red in the middle.

Step 4

Cut thin strips from the macadamia crusted ahi steaksand serves artfully over the ponzu Israeli couscous.

2 Comments | RECIPES | Permalink
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COOKING TO BANG THRU HISTORY

October 23, 2008

Human civilization and evolution would not be possible without cooking and banging.  As cooking evolved from Brontosaurus burgers to eight-course French feasts, so has seduction.  Procreation and the perpetuation of the human race is nice a side effect.

ANCIENT EGYPTIANS: Bread, beer, and fish from the Nile made Cleopatra a naughty girl.

Egyptians getting their brew on.

Egyptians getting their brew on.

AZTECS: 52 cups of hot cocoa spiced with chili kept Montezuma banging his many wives when he wasn’t sacrificing virgins to the Gods.

Cocoa...Aztec for viagra.

Cocoa...Aztec for viagra.

ANCIENT ROMANS: Caesar kept himself busy running an empire between wine-soaked food orgies at the Vomitorium.

Dionysis, God of Big Pimpin'.
Dionysis, God of Big Pimpin

BIBLICAL TIMES: Jesus showed Mary Magdalene a good time serving an aphrodisiac Mediterranean feast of grapes, figs, honey and seafood paired with water turned into wine.

Jesus and his best ho, Mary Magdalene.

Mary Magdalene, Jesus' #1 Girl.

ANCIENT CHINESE: The Sichuan emperor managed to Kung Pao his concubines by spicing his rice noodles with chili peppers and ginger.

Rice wine and concubines.

Rice wine and concubines.

MEDIEVAL TIMES: Ale and mutton kept King Arthur’s knights’ groupies eager to tend to their wounds after battles.

Ladies in waiting, men in tights.

Ladies in waiting, men in tights.

COLONIAL AMERICANS: Fresh from Versailles, ladies man Ben Franklin promoted homegrown wine, to wean the colonies off expensive British imports, and to enjoy with New England lobster and Chesapeake Bay oysters and crab.

Founding mothers

Founding mothers

NATIVE AMERICANS: Pocahontas seduced John Smith with her native clambake recipes, which his men stole along with her land.

Thanks for nothing, whitey.

Thanks for nothing, whitey.

FRENCH REVOLUTION: When Marie Antoinette wasn’t part of a Versailles gangbang, she was eating cake, along with other pastries, oysters and decadent chocolate from the New World.

French Revolution began in Marie Antoinette's loins.

French Revolution began in Marie Antoinette's loins

AMERICAN CIVIL WAR: Abe kept Mrs. Lincoln from making her own Emancipation Proclamation with homemade lobster salad and ice cream…the latest rage.

Hard drinkin' Lincoln.

Hard drinkin' Lincoln.

3 Comments | SEDUCTION | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang

Welcome to Cook to Bang!

October 21, 2008

Anyone can cook an amazing meal and bring out their date’s inner-slut.  The only way for the human race to continue is to EAT and FUCK.  So do your part.  Learn how to wine, dine and 69 your dream date with minimal harm to your credit card or self esteem.

PHILOSOPHY OF COOK TO BANG
1.    CHEAPER THAN RESTAURANT: Your wallet will thank you.
2.    ALREADY HOME: No awkward invitations inside post-date.
3.    YOU’RE DESSERT: Sweet satisfaction.

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