TAP THAT ASPARAGUS SOUP

January 22, 2016
Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Soup’s sex appeal is often underestimated because it’s generally associated with cans of Campbell’s.  Yes it’s functional and generally quite good for you, but ingredients make the difference.  Enter asparagus, an aphrodisiac and natural Viagra.  17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper said asparagus could “stir up lust in man and woman.”  The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm.  So if history, health and sex aren’t motivating factors, consider that it tastes bloody amazing.  Throw in some seafood and you are ready to rock ‘til the break of dawn.  I made this dish the other night for a lady I’m fond of and neither of us was left with blue balls, culinary or otherwise.  Round 1 was shortly followed by Round 2, 3 and on and on. Read the rest of this entry »


TURN YOU OUT TURKEY BURGER

July 4, 2015
Turkey turns me on, then turns me out.  Yeow!

Turkey turns ’em on, then turns ’em out. Yeow!

Hamburgers are not normally considered sexy, but they are a damn tasty staple of the American diet.  Turkey meat however is leaner, meaner and greener.   The protein does you right plus there’s less fat and twice the flavor when cooked right.  My thanks go out to the Native Americans for turning the Pilgrims onto this precious bird (sorry about taking your land and all).  The fire charring the meat empowers the caveman in every male chef.  The lady chef or date can enjoy this tasty piece of the American dream and not worry about the dish going straight to her thighs. When you bit into the center and find the goat cheese goodness, a choir of angels with trumpets shall inspire a tryst of the kinkiest order.  I tried a similar dish at a bourgeois New York restaurant priced somewhere upwards of $25.  The bill hurt my wallet, but my palette was well satisfied and my brain full of inspiration.  This summertime dish always leads to good times and enough erotic memories to last me through winter. Read the rest of this entry »


WET DREAMYTINI

November 21, 2014

I’m dreaming of a wet martini.

Some dreams are memorable, others haunt you for weeks after, and the best kind leave your sheets sticky the next morning. That’s what we’re going for here. You want your dreams as naughty as you can get. This martini is here to turn those obscene dreams into reality. Why shouldn’t you indulge in all of your dreams, noble and sordid alike? You work hard; you do good throughout your life; you deserve to do a little bad. Next time you have a classy hottie over for something delicious and decadent, get dreamy with martini shaker. Bonus points that pomegranate juice is rich in cancer-fighting antioxidants so any perverted intentions get canceled out. Read the rest of this entry »


BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES

August 27, 2014
Slap some sugar, lemon, balsamic, then put them balls on it!

Slap some sugar, lemon, balsamic, then put them balls on it!

DESSERT is the time when a Cook usually turns into Bang.  Many final courses like cheesecake that take over a day to make, like a slow, patient seduction.  There is nothing wrong with taking your time to holler at the moon so long as you do in fact holler.  But we live in a culture that wants everything yesterday. In fairness to the instant gratification crowd, here’s an instant dessert that is healthy, tasty, and quick on the go.  Do not fear the balsamic vinegar for it is your friend.  The fusion of the powdered sugar, fructose from the berries and the vinegar is like some mystical alchemy that preps your tongue ready for more adventuresome travels.  Be sure to hand-feed these to your date, thus fostering the intimacy you will no doubt exploit for your own perverted gains.  I have made this outstanding standout for more dates than I can remember and not once have I been refused. Won’t you join our merry band of culinary pranksters? Read the rest of this entry »


DOUBLE DIP THE TIP IN CHOCOLATE

July 28, 2011
One good dip deserves another!

One good dip deserves another!

Few desserts guarantee fornication like chocolate-dipped strawberries. You have the chocolate/strawberry APHRODISIAC element right off the bat. But there is so much more to this seductively simple dessert. These berries take champagne to places you usually experience behind closed doors. All the better for setting the stage for seduction. Be sure to follow the unwritten rule that you never stuff a chocolate-dipped strawberry in your own mouth. Let your date feed you and return the favor. Play your cards right and the berries will be the first of many things you put in your date’s moth. My first dance with chocolate-dipped strawberries took place in a hotel room with my college girlfriend at the time. I found it odd that her sorority sister was there too. But when the girls started feeding each other I knew this was my anniversary gift. I savored every last morsel of sweet satisfaction. The strawberries were also quite good. Read the rest of this entry »


ARTICHOKE AND POKE DIP

March 18, 2010
Why choke your chicken when you can artichoke and poke?

Why choke your chicken when you can artichoke and poke?

Sometimes a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a bag of stale Cheetos just don’t do the job when it comes to seduction.  My apologies to the corner store Casanovas.  Sometimes a little elbow grease can oil the joints keeping your date’s legs stuck together.  And what better way to do that then a familiar bar food favorite that happens to be loaded with APHRODISIAC power?  In case the artichoke wasn’t enough sex appeal, we threw in the silky avocado to guide deliver you a foolproof contingency plan.  You’re welcome.  This became a last minute creation needed for an impromptu Super Bowl date with a pack of three football-loving ladies.  These girls clearly knew their shit when it came to pig skin and potato skins.  Making a good impression was crucial for the touchdown that followed with my girl there. There was most certainly necessary roughness.  The extra point was the phone number her sexy friend wearing the Steelers jersey slipped me.

Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $11
Drinking Buddy: A MO MOJO MOJITO or RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

artichoke-dip-prep1Ingredients (serves a party or 2 hungry people for days):

1. 2 tablespoons of mayonnaise
2. 1 8-ounce can of artichoke hearts in water
3. 1 round roll of foccacia bread
4. 4 ounces of cream cheese
5. 2 ROASTED RED PEPPERS
6.½ an avocado sliced
7. ½ a lemon worth of juice
8. ½ cup of parmesan cheese

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Chop up the artichoke hearts and roasted red peppers and toss them into a bowl with the avocado, parmesan cheese, lemon juice, cream cheese and mayonnaise.  Work out your pent up sexual frustration by mashing up the ingredients.

artichoke-dip-chop-mix

Step 2
Cut the top of the focaccia roll and set aside.  Pull out the center breading, leaving the sides and bottom in tact.  If need be, use your right and left hooks and pound the sides in.  Crown the bread top with some parmesan cheese, toast it brown, then cut it up in slices to serve with the dip.

artichoke-dip-bread

Step 3
Pour in the mashed up raw dip into an oven safe bowl and heat through (approx 20 minutes).  Remove the heated dip from the oven and dump in evenly into the bread bowl you have created.  Crown it with some parmesan cheese and throw it back in the oven and heat up the bread and melt cheese on top (approx 10 minutes).  Serve it up with those toasted slices and tortilla chips. Super job!  I knew you had it in you.artichoke-dip-fill-bake

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BANG ‘TIL YOU’RE BLUE-A KAHLUA BROWNIES

November 16, 2008

Kahlua brownie makes your date go to townie

Kahlua brownie will make 'em go downie on you

If you are sweet on your sweetheart, use chocolate to seal the deal.  Chocolate is an amazingly effective aphrodisiac that gets the heart rate up, increases blood flow and creates a natural feeling of well being, euphoria, and with any luck, wanton lust.  Ancient Aztec’s thought it invigorated men and made women less inhibited and they consumed it before battle or intense rounds of sexual activity.  Have we learned nothing from history?  Do as the Aztec do and do it all night with some natural aphrodisiacs.  The fact that it tastes like food reserved for the Gods is beside the point.  Take it a step further with Kahlua.  The Mexican liqueur makes bad coffee tastes superb, a white Russian worthwhile and stands alone like champ just on ice.  Combine chocolate and Kahlua into homemade brownies and you are well on your way to a tasty, triumphant evening.  If the magnificent meal you made can’t seal the deal, go for the knockout punch.  Hand feed your date a Kahlua Brownie and follow it up with a chocolate flavored kiss.  Mmm…

kahlua-brownie-prepIngredients (for 2):
1. ½ stick of butter
2. 4 ounces of unsweetened baking chocolate
3. 2 cups of sugar
4. 3 eggs
5. 1 teaspoon of baking powder
6. 1½ cups of flour
7. 1 teaspoon of salt
8. 2 cups of Kahlua
9. ½ cup of shredded coconut

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.  In one mixing bowl combine the flour, salt and baking powder and mix together thoroughly.  In a second bowl, mix the eggs and sugar together so they are united, like the 13 original US colonies.
kahlua-brownie-mix-f42d61a
Step 2
Use a saucepan to heat the butter and melt down the chocolate.  Add 1½ cups of the Kahlua (saving the other ½ cup) and mix until it is one chocolate river of goodness.kahlua-brownie-choc1

Step 3
Bring together the flour/salt/baking power with the egg/sugar and melted chocolate/Kahlua into one big party.  Blend it all into a batter and make it all better by adding the shredded coconut.  Pour the better batter into a greased baking pan and spread it out evenly.
kahlua-brownie-mix-it-up
Step 4
Throw the baking pan in the oven and bake for 35-40 minutes. If you are unsure if it is ready, dip a toothpick into the brownie: if it comes out clean you have yourself bake brownies.  Finally, use a brush or flat spoon to spread out the remaining ½ cup of Kahlua and let it settle for 5 minutes into a glaze.  Cut the brownies up and serve with milk, ice cream or use them to bribe a cop out of a speeding ticket.kahlua-brownie-kahlua-glaze