CHIPPENDALE TUNA PASTA

February 24, 2016
Serve this dish up like the sexy Chipenndale you are!

Serve this dish up like the sexy Chippendale you are!

Nothing screams out sex appeal for the ladies like a buff dude in a bowtie with a fake collar and cuffs.  That’s the Chippendale way.  Keeping it classy but lust inspiring at the same time.  Make the married ladies scream.  Give them something to fantasize about while their husbands bang them with brief, disinterested strokes.  Win win.  That’s what this stupidly simple dish is about.  Tap into the unbridled lust that only bowtie-wearing dancers can inspire.  I hope you have your dance revue choreographed.  Remember…step forward, step back, spin around, clap and THRUST!  Just don’t spill the kick ass contents on the plate while making those moves.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

tuna bowtie pasta prepIngredients (Serves 2):
1. 6 ounces of dried bowtie pasta
2. 1 8-ounce can of tomato sauce
3. 1 can of TUNA
4. ½ cup of milk
5. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
6. ½ an onion diced finely
7. 2 garlic cloves diced finely

Step 1
Boil the pasta al dente (follow instructions, approx 12 min) and drain.  While the pasta boils move onto Step 2. When pasta is done, toss it into the sauce and mix.
tuna bowtie pasta noodles
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil on medium heat.  Sauté the garlic and onions (approx 3 min), adding salt if you so desire.  Drain the tuna cans and toss in the pan and cook (approx 2 min) into it.  Pour in the tomato sauce cook until it all goes red (approx 2 min).  Finally pour in the milk and reduce by simmering on low heat as the sauce pinkens.
tuna bowtie pasta saucetuna bowtie pasta served

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PORTOBELLO BORDELLO

February 15, 2016

Turn any date into filthy hooker

Some food has the power to transform a good day into a great day. We’ve all experienced a meal so freaking amazing that we talk about it years, sometimes decades later. Don’t get me started on this penne eggplant bowl I enjoyed on Italy’s Amalfi Coast. Let’s just say I had to smoke cigarette after…and I don’t even smoke! But there are certain dishes that are not only memorable, but cause clothes to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West. Whore. The Portobello Bordello is one of those dishes. It is not only loaded with APHRODISIACS, but an edible orgasm of flavor, texture and attitude. Be warned: those with heart problems may not be able to handle this mushroom dish’s pure unadulterated awesomeness. The rest of you should not fear stuffing the mushroom. Odds are there will be some serious stuffing to follow.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $16
Drinking Buddy: White wine or champagne

stuffed-portobello-prepIngredients:
1. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
2. ½ tablespoon of honey
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of paprika
6. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ red bell pepper chopped coarsely
9. 6 ounces of lump crab meat
10. ½ a jalapeño chopped finely
11. 1 small handful of shredded Parmesan
12. ½ a lemon worth of juice
13. 2 large Portobello mushroom caps
14. 4 avocado slices (not pictured)

Step 1
Create the stuffing by mixing up the green onions, red bell pepper, lemon juice, jalapeño, crab meat, parmesan, bread crumbs, mayonnaise, honey, salt and paprika in a large mixing bowl.

stuffed-portobello-stuffing

Step 2
Wash the Portobello mushrooms then scrape away the black gills with a spoon and cut out the stem. This will allow more room for stuffing. Pour olive oil over the mushroom tops, then flip them over and place them in a small baking pan. Pour in half the stuffing into each cap and spread out evenly.

stuffed-portobello-prebake

Step 3
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Throw in the baking pan full of stuffed mushrooms into the oven and bake until the stuffing browns (approx 35-40 minutes). Serve it up on top of a large leaf of lettuce. Garnish each cap with 2 avocado slices and serve it up knowing full well IT’S ON!

stuffed-portobello-bakestuffed-portobello-served-2

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MISO HORNY COD

February 12, 2016
This dish love you long time!

This dish love you long time!

The Cook To Bang classic recipe is back in time for Valentines Day. Few recipes are this effective at harnessing the power of gastrosexuality. The Japanese approach everything with perfection in mind from manga to ninjas to oral.  Miso cod is no exception.  It’s a little sweet, a little savory, and 100% banging. The tender fish breaks off into scrumptious flakes and is complimented by the steamed bok choy.  The flavors battle on your tongue in a perfectly choreographed samurai duel.  Your date will love you long time.

Total time: approximately 3 hours (mostly marinating fish)
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Sake, beer or a dry white wine

miso-horny-cod-prepIngredients (for two):
1. ¼ cup of sake*
2. 1/3 cup of mirin*
3. ½ cup of sugar
4. ¾ cup of white miso paste*
5. ½ a lemon worth of juice
6. 2 tablespoons of soy sauce
7. 2 black cod filets*
8. 4 baby bok choys*
*all of these items are available at any Japanese/Asian market

Step 1
On medium heat, boil the sake and mirin for 20-30 seconds until the alcohol cooks out.  Add the miso paste and cook until the chunks dissolve into the liquid.  Finally, mix the sugar in and cook until it dissolves.  Set the pan aside and allow the miso sauce to cool.
miso-horny-cod-sauce
Step 2
If necessary, de-bone the fish fillets.  Pat the fillets dry with a paper towel.  Slather up the fish with the miso sauce so they are fully coated with miso goodness.  Leave the fish in a bowl and cover with saran wrap.  Allow the fish to marinate in the miso sauce at least 2½ hours (the longer it marinates, the tastier it will be).
miso-horny-cod-marinate
Step 3
When the fish is ready, preheat your oven to broil.  Wipe off the excess marinade and place the fillets in a baking ban.  Broil the fish until it the surface starts to brown.  Remove the pan, and then preheat your oven to 400 degrees F.  Throw the fish back in and cook 10-15 minutes longer.
miso-horny-cod-broil-bake
Step 4
While the fish is baking, steam the baby bok choy until the leaves wilt and turn bright green.  Mix the soy sauce and lemon in a separate bowl and it toss the steamed bok choy. Serve the fish and bok choy artfully on the plate.  Your date should be remarkably wowed.
miso-horny-cod-bok-choymiso-horny-cod-served-2

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COCONUT COD-PIECE

February 5, 2016
Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!

Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!

I generally don’t recommend being bashful and covering up your naughty bits. But for some reason it has been deemed socially unacceptable to prance around naked in public. So when social decorum outweighs your exhibitionist tendencies, you need to figure out a classy way to cover up. Bring on the codpiece! Your most shocking parts will be hidden from view, yet you will leave everyone guessing what you could possibly be packing. And that’s just where you want to be. Apply this same hidden package of awesome theory to the meal you serve to your date. Nothing packs quite a flavor wallop like this black cod dish I made as an afterthought. The task at hand was preparing MISO HORNY COD that has been dropping panties since 2003. But I had leftover cod that required my swift attention lest these beautiful cuts of fish go the way of slap bracelets. So my date the following night was given a rarefied chance to try something new and totally untested. This dish is what follows and thank god for that! Lord knows she was thanking god in her own lascivious way. Read the rest of this entry »


TAP THAT ASPARAGUS SOUP

January 22, 2016
Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Soup’s sex appeal is often underestimated because it’s generally associated with cans of Campbell’s.  Yes it’s functional and generally quite good for you, but ingredients make the difference.  Enter asparagus, an aphrodisiac and natural Viagra.  17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper said asparagus could “stir up lust in man and woman.”  The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm.  So if history, health and sex aren’t motivating factors, consider that it tastes bloody amazing.  Throw in some seafood and you are ready to rock ‘til the break of dawn.  I made this dish the other night for a lady I’m fond of and neither of us was left with blue balls, culinary or otherwise.  Round 1 was shortly followed by Round 2, 3 and on and on. Read the rest of this entry »


OBSCENE TANGERINE DREAM SCALLOPS

January 11, 2016
tangerine scallops served

Dream a little obscene dream

I dream a little dream every day.  My dreams do not consist of me running in a field of daffodils holding hands with my pure-as-virgin-snow fiancé.  There is no discussion of curtain rods and where to hang the menacing portrait of her father in our bedroom so he can watch us “make grandchildren”.  That is another man’s dream that I find boringly obscene. My dreams are of the social derelict variety.  They are filled with morally questionable fluids that get all over the bed, walls and playtime companions’ faces.   The soundtrack consists of gasps, moans, and cracks from my flat hand connecting with firm backsides.  You could hook my brain up to your DVR and I’d single-handedly put Skinemax out of business.  My lawyers are already in discussion with Time Warner, but it comes down how many private islands I will receive stocked with island girls…coming soon to a living room near you.  Perverted as I am, I’m also a glutton in my dreams.  And this Chinese style scallop recipe came out of one such decadent dream.  Enjoy these nocturnal emissions on your plate! Read the rest of this entry »


SMACK MY BISQUE UP

December 14, 2015
Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

You can almost hear the steel drums and kinky Reggae when you slurp this sexy take on a Caribbean classic.  It takes a little work to harness the flavors, but trust me when I say it’s well worth the time (hint hint).  Shrimp mango bisque is both nutritious and loaded with aphrodisiacs that will put you on the path to gratification.  The sweet taste of mango compliments the spices; the shrimp are just begging to soak in the sweet and spicy flavor bursts.  My first encounter with this dish was at Club Med in Turks and Caicos as a child rather clueless as to why the adults danced so closely together after a downing a bowl.  Perversity and ingenuity have since led me to honing the recipe to what you see before you. SMACK MY BISQUE UP has become a reliable go to dish that brings that Caribbean sunshine to my kitchen and bedroom even in the dead of winter.  Go on, make Bob Marley proud!

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