SQUASH KE-BANGS

September 11, 2015
She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!

She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!

Let’s be honest here.  You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t like banging.  Right?  If you thought this site was for carpentry where you learn how to bang hammer to nail…forgive me my trespassing.  I am nothing like Jesus the carpenter or Son of God, unless you count the ripped abs from all that stretching on the crucifix.  But I do offer you recipes reserved for the gods so in some ways you aren’t totally off.  Here we have classic middle-eastern nosh that Jesus may have sampled during one of his hangouts with his twelve adoring homies AKA apostles.  Kebabs are simple and perfect for those waning days of summer.  Grill, broil it, munch it.  Each bite brings you closer to God.  Amen to that! Read the rest of this entry »


OYSTERS BANG-A-FELLER

August 11, 2014
Act like a Rockefeller with Oysters Bang-a-Feller.

Act like a Rockefeller with Oysters Bang-a-Feller.

Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with banging a feller.  Speaking from the POV of a feller, banging is the only thing that makes us feel special.  All the fancy cars and diamond encrusted Rolexes are just means to get banged.  So make like a goddamn Rockefeller and indulge in the rich oyster power.  The aphrodisiac supernovas of the sea will get your loins revving like a golf cart run on plutonium.  Slurping them down will make you feel momentarily like the richest feller on the planet. Read the rest of this entry »


BLT MELT AWAY INHIBITIONS

February 3, 2014
Feeling melty yet?  Give it time and you will melt right into the bed sheets

Feeling melty yet? Give it time and you will melt right into the bed sheets

Inhibitions can be a raging bitch.  They always seem to get in the way of a night of blissful mistakes.  It’s like that annoying friend of the one you’re sweet on intent on preventing you from vanishing to do what is best accomplished behind.  Troublesome as inhibitions may be, there’s a way to make them melt faster than a popsicle in a Bangkok sex show.  It’s so simple and obvious.  Disarm them with a delectable, easy to make like a BLT covered in melty cheese. Whether their fugly friend is literal or the metaphor for their unwillingness to throw their conservative values out the window, give them something fun, familiar, yet fantstic to indulge in and familiarity is sure to follow.  Familiarity = comfort that dissolves inhibitions and results in getting naked.  I’m glad we had this talk.  Now go out and melt melt MELT the shit out of those inhibitions! Read the rest of this entry »


SEX NINJA OYSTERS

July 9, 2012
Don't commit hari kari! You got so much banging to do...

Don’t commit hari kari! You got so much banging to do…

Dead sexy. That is how they describe those who got in my way. To my nemeses, you are on notice: don’t mess with my cooking or banging game! I trained in mountains of Japan not only to cook amazing Japanese dishes and bang geishas by the bushel, but to kill when necessary. Wielding a knife is already second nature to me. That’s merely in addition to my ability to climb walls with suction cups, assassinate foreign dignitaries in their sleep, and then bang their mistresses. It’s almost unfair to my rivals, but life is a series of injustices that I am slowly correcting. I have to make up for my yellow Walkman being smashed by a neighborhood bully when I was 8. If that means cooking, banging, and occasionally killing bad guys, so be it! These oysters are one of many tricks up my ninja sleeves. They render prudes powerless to control their unbridled lust. Hi-ya! Read the rest of this entry »


CHICKEN WINGMAN

June 13, 2011
Like a good homie, these chicken wings got your back
Like a good homie, these chicken wings got your back

Some guys are breast men; others are legmen; I’m a wingman.  My single friends (male and female) can attest to my ability to create connections that often lead to copulation.  You’re all very welcome.  But that’s what friends do for each other.  And you should be no different.  Lovers come and go, but friendships can last a lifetime and age like fine wines.  And that’s why you need to look out for your people whether that means offering a shoulder to cry on, a pivot so they can get that hottie at the bar’s number, or just serving them up a plate of chicken wings.  I won’t lie to you and say that chicken wings are sexy.  Barbaric yes with the tearing meat off the bone with your teeth, but subtle and sexy like a sultry salad or sexy soup they are not.  But if you have yourself a sports fan that wants to watch the game between banging marathons then this recipe is for you.  This dish is fast to prep, quicker to cook and will be consumed in the blink of an eye.  Now be a good friend and help your hungry posse out (especially if it’s just the two of you). Read the rest of this entry »


ASS-SENTIAL SESAME ASS-PARAGUS

January 5, 2009
Sesame equals sex-to-me
Sesame equals sex-to-me

So you’re game for a healthy aphrodisiac that is fast, easy and aesthetically pleasing?  Look no further than this fine sesame asparagus recipe.  Not only do you have the natural Viagra benefits of the asparagus, but the sweet, sticky honey will ramp up your date’s libido.  You might score extra points for the dish being vegetarian and amazingly nutritional, as all aphrodisiacs are.  Duh!  This side dish will legitimize even the most pathetic attempts at an entrée because it is so damn pretty.  Did I mention it was tasty too?  The Chinese know what they were doing.  My first dance with sesame asparagus happened during a trip to Hong Kong.  I was eating at an upscale eatery in Kowloon overlooking the Hong Kong cityscape exploding in choreographed colors.  The real lightshow was going on in my mouth, which eventually set my feet dancing like the white devil maniac that I am.  Luckily I found a kind local girl to correct my foolish ways and show me around the city, including the magnificent view from her bedroom.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what entrée you serve with it, CTB recommends a smooth red wine

sesame-asparagus-prepIngredients:
1. 2 tablespoons of dried sesame seeds
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 tablespoon of honey
5. 1 pound of fresh asparagus
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice

Step 1
Mix the soy sauce, olive oil, honey and lemon into a sticky sauce that would glisten in the noonday sun.
sesame-asparagus-sauce
Step 2
Steam the asparagus until you can easily pierce them with a fork (approx 5 minutes).  Toss the steamed asparagus with the sauce.  Place the drenched asparagus in a baking pan with room between each stalk.  Sprinkle the sesame seeds evenly over the asparagus.
sesame-asparagus-steam-seed
Step 3
Set the oven to a high broil.  Throw the baking sheet with asparagus on the highest rack.  Allow the sesame seeds to toast and stick firmly to the asparagus stalks.  (Approx 6 minutes) Serve each stalk carefully by grabbing them with tongs to avoid messing up the sesame seeds.  Presentation is important.
sesame-asparagus-bake

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FRENCH KISS MY ONION SOUP

December 31, 2008

Taste me soup, Vive la France!

Taste my soup and Vive la France!

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?  Yes indeed, mon ami.  But before we get down to the task at hand, let’s get some sustenance.  Oui?  You have to love those Frenchy frogs with their many culinary innovations.  The precision they employ to make their fabulous meals is unparalleled and has been turning us on for centuries.  Merci to that!  Who doesn’t love a bowl of French onion soup on a cold winter day?  The salty tang of the onions, the soggy French bread and stretchy cheese that always ends up on your chin.  My knees are knocking while I eat seconds as I write this.  Tres joleis!  This soup certainly stepped up to the plate of providing radical results.  My date was clearly impressed by the TLC put into it, but it was love at first bite.  Neither of us could finish the bowl due to the distractions of wine and spontaneous waltzing around the kitchen.  The first post-coital bite made me want to put on a beret and write post-modern poetry in French.  Sacre bleu!

Total time: approximately 1½ hours
Projected cost: $10 (gruyere cheese makes it costly)
Drinking Buddy: Wine of course, silly Yankee scum!

french-onion-soup-prepIngredients:
1. 1 teaspoon of salt
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. ½ cup of cooking sherry
4. 6 cups of chicken broth
5. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
6. 1 tablespoon of dried thyme (or 6 sprigs fresh)
7. 2 tablespoons of butter
8. 6 yellow onion chopped in long strips
9. French baguette cut into ½ inch slices
10. 8 ounces of Gruyere cheese (can substitute for Swiss)

Step 1
Heat a stockpot up on medium heat and melt the butter and olive oil with the salt.  Throw in the onions and mix them around.  Cook the onions until they reduce in volume and brown. (approx 20 minutes)
french-onion-soup-onion
Step 2
Pour in 2 cups of water into the onions and cook until the water evaporates, leaving the onions in a big brown clump.  (approx 10 minutes)  Pour in the sherry and repeat.  (approx 5 minutes)
french-onion-soup-water-sherry1
Step 3
Add the thyme and chicken broth.  On high heat, bring it all to a roaring boil, then reduce heat and simmer.  (approx 30 minutes)
french-onion-soup-thyme-broth
Step 4
Preheat the oven to broil.  Ladle soup into the small, deep bowls.  Place French bread slices on top of each soup.  Sprinkle the Gruyere cheese over each slice of French bread so they are covered evenly.  Broil the soups (approx 5 minutes), allow to cool (another 5 minutes), and then eat up.  Ooh la la!

french-onion-soup-cheese

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