Let’s be honest here. You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t like banging. Right? If you thought this site was for carpentry where you learn how to bang hammer to nail…forgive me my trespassing. I am nothing like Jesus the carpenter or Son of God, unless you count the ripped abs from all that stretching on the crucifix. But I do offer you recipes reserved for the gods so in some ways you aren’t totally off. Here we have classic middle-eastern nosh that Jesus may have sampled during one of his hangouts with his twelve adoring homies AKA apostles. Kebabs are simple and perfect for those waning days of summer. Grill, broil it, munch it. Each bite brings you closer to God. Amen to that! Read the rest of this entry »
SQUASH KE-BANGSSeptember 11, 2015
BLT MELT AWAY INHIBITIONSFebruary 3, 2014
Inhibitions can be a raging bitch. They always seem to get in the way of a night of blissful mistakes. It’s like that annoying friend of the one you’re sweet on intent on preventing you from vanishing to do what is best accomplished behind. Troublesome as inhibitions may be, there’s a way to make them melt faster than a popsicle in a Bangkok sex show. It’s so simple and obvious. Disarm them with a delectable, easy to make like a BLT covered in melty cheese. Whether their fugly friend is literal or the metaphor for their unwillingness to throw their conservative values out the window, give them something fun, familiar, yet fantstic to indulge in and familiarity is sure to follow. Familiarity = comfort that dissolves inhibitions and results in getting naked. I’m glad we had this talk. Now go out and melt melt MELT the shit out of those inhibitions! Read the rest of this entry »
SEX NINJA OYSTERSJuly 9, 2012
Dead sexy. That is how they describe those who got in my way. To my nemeses, you are on notice: don’t mess with my cooking or banging game! I trained in mountains of Japan not only to cook amazing Japanese dishes and bang geishas by the bushel, but to kill when necessary. Wielding a knife is already second nature to me. That’s merely in addition to my ability to climb walls with suction cups, assassinate foreign dignitaries in their sleep, and then bang their mistresses. It’s almost unfair to my rivals, but life is a series of injustices that I am slowly correcting. I have to make up for my yellow Walkman being smashed by a neighborhood bully when I was 8. If that means cooking, banging, and occasionally killing bad guys, so be it! These oysters are one of many tricks up my ninja sleeves. They render prudes powerless to control their unbridled lust. Hi-ya! Read the rest of this entry »
CHICKEN WINGMANJune 13, 2011
Some guys are breast men; others are legmen; I’m a wingman. My single friends (male and female) can attest to my ability to create connections that often lead to copulation. You’re all very welcome. But that’s what friends do for each other. And you should be no different. Lovers come and go, but friendships can last a lifetime and age like fine wines. And that’s why you need to look out for your people whether that means offering a shoulder to cry on, a pivot so they can get that hottie at the bar’s number, or just serving them up a plate of chicken wings. I won’t lie to you and say that chicken wings are sexy. Barbaric yes with the tearing meat off the bone with your teeth, but subtle and sexy like a sultry salad or sexy soup they are not. But if you have yourself a sports fan that wants to watch the game between banging marathons then this recipe is for you. This dish is fast to prep, quicker to cook and will be consumed in the blink of an eye. Now be a good friend and help your hungry posse out (especially if it’s just the two of you). Read the rest of this entry »
ASS-SENTIAL SESAME ASS-PARAGUSJanuary 5, 2009
So you’re game for a healthy aphrodisiac that is fast, easy and aesthetically pleasing? Look no further than this fine sesame asparagus recipe. Not only do you have the natural Viagra benefits of the asparagus, but the sweet, sticky honey will ramp up your date’s libido. You might score extra points for the dish being vegetarian and amazingly nutritional, as all aphrodisiacs are. Duh! This side dish will legitimize even the most pathetic attempts at an entrée because it is so damn pretty. Did I mention it was tasty too? The Chinese know what they were doing. My first dance with sesame asparagus happened during a trip to Hong Kong. I was eating at an upscale eatery in Kowloon overlooking the Hong Kong cityscape exploding in choreographed colors. The real lightshow was going on in my mouth, which eventually set my feet dancing like the white devil maniac that I am. Luckily I found a kind local girl to correct my foolish ways and show me around the city, including the magnificent view from her bedroom.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what entrée you serve with it, CTB recommends a smooth red wine
1. 2 tablespoons of dried sesame seeds
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 tablespoon of honey
5. 1 pound of fresh asparagus
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
Mix the soy sauce, olive oil, honey and lemon into a sticky sauce that would glisten in the noonday sun.
Steam the asparagus until you can easily pierce them with a fork (approx 5 minutes). Toss the steamed asparagus with the sauce. Place the drenched asparagus in a baking pan with room between each stalk. Sprinkle the sesame seeds evenly over the asparagus.
Set the oven to a high broil. Throw the baking sheet with asparagus on the highest rack. Allow the sesame seeds to toast and stick firmly to the asparagus stalks. (Approx 6 minutes) Serve each stalk carefully by grabbing them with tongs to avoid messing up the sesame seeds. Presentation is important.
FRENCH KISS MY ONION SOUPDecember 31, 2008
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi? Yes indeed, mon ami. But before we get down to the task at hand, let’s get some sustenance. Oui? You have to love those Frenchy frogs with their many culinary innovations. The precision they employ to make their fabulous meals is unparalleled and has been turning us on for centuries. Merci to that! Who doesn’t love a bowl of French onion soup on a cold winter day? The salty tang of the onions, the soggy French bread and stretchy cheese that always ends up on your chin. My knees are knocking while I eat seconds as I write this. Tres joleis! This soup certainly stepped up to the plate of providing radical results. My date was clearly impressed by the TLC put into it, but it was love at first bite. Neither of us could finish the bowl due to the distractions of wine and spontaneous waltzing around the kitchen. The first post-coital bite made me want to put on a beret and write post-modern poetry in French. Sacre bleu!
Total time: approximately 1½ hours
Projected cost: $10 (gruyere cheese makes it costly)
Drinking Buddy: Wine of course, silly Yankee scum!
1. 1 teaspoon of salt
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. ½ cup of cooking sherry
4. 6 cups of chicken broth
5. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
6. 1 tablespoon of dried thyme (or 6 sprigs fresh)
7. 2 tablespoons of butter
8. 6 yellow onion chopped in long strips
9. French baguette cut into ½ inch slices
10. 8 ounces of Gruyere cheese (can substitute for Swiss)
Heat a stockpot up on medium heat and melt the butter and olive oil with the salt. Throw in the onions and mix them around. Cook the onions until they reduce in volume and brown. (approx 20 minutes)
Pour in 2 cups of water into the onions and cook until the water evaporates, leaving the onions in a big brown clump. (approx 10 minutes) Pour in the sherry and repeat. (approx 5 minutes)
Add the thyme and chicken broth. On high heat, bring it all to a roaring boil, then reduce heat and simmer. (approx 30 minutes)
Preheat the oven to broil. Ladle soup into the small, deep bowls. Place French bread slices on top of each soup. Sprinkle the Gruyere cheese over each slice of French bread so they are covered evenly. Broil the soups (approx 5 minutes), allow to cool (another 5 minutes), and then eat up. Ooh la la!
TUNA MELT INTO THE SHEETSNovember 12, 2008
“Thar she blows!” the pirate screamed out the window of the brothel. The wharf town residents were unaware the mangy marauder was not talking about impregnating a strumpet’s mouth. Rather he was commenting on the fine tuna melt the brothel’s madam prepared from him from the tuna he caught off the bow of his dingy. A fresh tuna melt can indeed take the ordinary sandwich and make it something worthy of jumping ship. This recipe is quick, delicious, but far from fat free. It is comfort food on a higher level and she should be treated accordingly. A gourmet tuna melt works great when you want your game to seem like a coincidence. The appropriate attitude is, “Hey, I throw masterpieces like this together with my eyes closed. It wouldn’t be fair if I actually tried to impress you. Then you’d never leave!” Should this recipe not cause your date melt into the sheets, COOK TO BANG will refund your money back. Oh wait, this site is free. Nevermind. Do you take Monopoly money?
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 2 albacore tuna steaks
2. ½ a lemon
3. 2 tablespoons of mayonnaise
4. 2 slices of bread
5. 4-10 slices of tomatoes
6. 2 slices of cheddar cheese
7. ½ a sliced avocado
Sear the tuna steaks and squeeze the lemon over them. Add pepper for extra flavor. Depending on fresh quality of tuna, you can sear it rare or pink. On a bare bones budget you can substitute a can of tuna, which won’t be half as good or impressive.
Coarsely chop the seared tuna steaks and throw into a bowl. Add the mayonnaise and mix together thoroughly. For an additional kick, throw in some fresh dill or tarragon.
Spread the tuna mixture evenly over the bread. Place the tomatoes evenly out and crown it with slices of cheddar cheese.
Broil the open-faced sandwiches until the cheddar cheese is good and melty. Add slices of avocado over the melted cheese and cut each sandwich in half. Serve on a plate with a salad, French fries or a condom.
CHEESY MEATY DATESOctober 23, 2008
Appetizers and wine are usually all you need in the spirit of “keeping it casual.” This little ditty makes you look like a fancy French gourmand, ooh la la! If this dish takes you any longer than 7 minutes to prepare then you probably too drunk, stupid, or both. For an extra classy touch, have the dates cooking as your date walks in the door. So impressed they will be, the fact these finger foods were an afterthought will be completely lost.
1. 7 jellybean-sized chunks of goat cheese
2. 7 fresh medjoula dates split and de-pitted
3. 7 thin strips of bacon (turkey and veggie bacon work great)
Stuff each split date with a piece of goat cheese and push them back together. Wrap a bacon strip around each date.
Place the dates on a section of tinfoil turned up on the sides so no grease runs. Place in broiler (easy with a toaster oven) and cook until bacon browns. Allow to cool and let them loose along with her animalistic attraction to you.
• Stuff with brie or bleu cheese
• Wrap with prosciutto instead and serve cold