KINKY PINKY LADY

August 23, 2013

Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a stinky pinky, y’all!

Riding dirty is the Southern way.  At least that is what I learned on my most recent visit to New Orleans.  I befriended a Southern belle boozing it up with absinthe at a vampire bar down a dark alley.  She did not believe that I was a master of disaster in the kitchen. So I took her challenge on the spot to go back to her place and fix up a meal with only what I found in their kitchen.  This cutie with an even cuter accent was unprepared for the awesome assault I unleashed in her mouths and loins.  I managed to make NEVER FLAKES CRAB CAKES (minus the mango), a simple salad and a SLOB ON MY KNOBBLER COBBLER with pears.  My payment for all my efforts was a cocktail that I present to you. She called it a Pink Lady since she is after all genteel and demure.  But the demure soon fizzled away by our fourth round. That’s when she showed me true hospitality in her boudoir.  It was only after, while I sipped a lukewarm pink lady as she slumbered next to me that I understood the saying: “Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez.” Read the rest of this entry »


BLOOD ORANGASMIC MARTINI

January 28, 2011

This is one type of blood you would never fear.

Blood oranges are bulbous citrus-filled orgasms. They bring me more joy than I can possibly articulate with earthly language. Suffice to say that everything they touch gets better and classier. The fact you don’t have any in your kitchen makes me question your commitment to your libido. Now’s your chance to earn my respect back: truck on over to the store to get what’s yours. Got some now? Good. We may proceed with mixing up a sexsational cocktail that will leaving your date begging for more. I fully expect you to take credit for inventing this drink. Your date will be all the more impressed that you are a master mixologist in addition to being a cunning linguist with your cunnilingus. Now make it rainy, you bloody bastard! Read the rest of this entry »


POMMELONTINI BIKINI

November 12, 2010
Sex & The City?  More like Sex In The City!

Sex & The City? More like Sex In The City!

This one goes out to all you ladies having Sex & The City parties or just having sex in the city.  We all know that you sophisticated women of the world like to relax and gab out their lives with a cocktail in hand.  Sure the Cosmo is the uniform drink, but me thinks there’s a room for a new contender.  The Sour Apple Martini is way to tart and a regular James Bond-style martini is way too boozy and requires you to have a watch that shoots lasers.  Surely there’s a happy medium that is classy, refined and the “just right” like the Little Red Riding Hood in Jimmy Choos seeks.  Ladies, I present to you a simple, fast and “just right” cocktail that has made every woman I served it to just a bit classier, not to mention friskier.  So whether it makes you Charlottes into Samanthas or the Mirandas into a Carries (feel free to correct me as I watched the show only once with my mother who insisted that the key to understanding women was watching Sex & The City), COOK TO BANG has you covered. Read the rest of this entry »