MAC & PLEASE ME

April 6, 2016

Tease me, please me, mac & cheese me!

When it comes to potlucks, stealing the show with something unexpected always boosts your game. You will be forever remembered for that one dish that your friends fought over the priviledge to lick the plate. High five and fist bumps all around for you. At least that’s how I roll. Considering my pseudo-profession is a digital chef, it is expected of me. That doesn’t I, nor you, shouldn’t take advantage of said skills. Take this mac & cheese I brought to my buddy’s potluck over the weekend. He assured me single girls, and attached girls on the verge of bailing would be there. So I had to show up with something that would sneak in under their radar and smack them across the face with pleasure. A childhood classic schmi’ed up with awesome stole the thunder of even the $50 slab of Atlantic salmon, which for the record was excellent (twas my RECIPE afterall). Cheek kisses and phone numbers were exchanged and no leftovers in sight.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: All depends on it’s culinary wingman

Ingredients (Serves 20):
1. 1 quart milk
2. 1/3 cup flour
3. Salt to taste
4. Black pepper to taste
5. 1 lb dry large elbow macaroni
6. 4 tbsp breadcrumbs
7. æ lb shredded jack cheese
8. 3 OZ shredded cheddar cheese
9. 1 stick butter
10. 1 bunch green onions chopped coarsely
11. 3 dried New Mexico CHILIES

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Throw the macaroni in boiling water, cook al dente, drain, and throw back in large stockpot (approx 8 min).

Step 2
While macaroni boils, start the sauce: melt the butter on med-low heat (approx 2 min). Chop the chilies into tiny pieces and throw into the butter. Salt and pepper as needed and thoroughly stir in the flour (approx 1 min). Throw in the green onions and cheese, and cook until it all melts.

Step 3
Dump the cheese sauce into the pasta and mix together like the superstar you are. Fill a baking dish or disposable tinfoil dish (as pictured), dumps in the milk, scatter the cheddar, and crown it all with breadcrumbs. Throw it dish in the oven and bake until the milk absorbs into the pasta, the cheddar melts and the breadcrumbs brown into a crust.

Serve with your favorite potluck goodies. Might I suggest FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN and LECHEROUS LEMON BARS.

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LET THEM EAT SALMON CAKES

February 1, 2016

Patty cakes, salmon cakes, banger man! Bang me a salmon cake as fast as you can.

That Marie Antoinette was quite the strumpet of her day. This Versailles Vixen raised her bloomers for everyone in the court, men and women alike, except her pantywaist husband Louis XVI. What a scandal it must have been for the French queen to be a whore and the king likely gay. Every would-be suitor need only present an edible treat to Mademoiselle Antoinette and into her boudoir they would go. This was a precursor to COOK TO BANG. A little known historical fact: When Marie Antoinette said, ìLet them eat cake!î she meant salmon cakes. These are cheap and easy to create, but major crowd pleasers. If only Marie’s messenger hadn’t flubbed the message. Off with his head! Read the rest of this entry »


BANGSGIVING: CREAM IN YOUR PANTS SPINACH

November 24, 2015

I cream, you cream, we all cream from my filthy food dreams!

I suggest bringing a change of underwear for this one.  Decadent doesn’t begin to describe this supernova of creaminess found in this holiday side dish.  Don’t feel too embarrassed by your “accident” while eating Cook To Bang style creamed spinach.  Chances are everyone else you serve it to will also lose control of their sexual organs and cream in a symphony of sensuality. Expect a flavor orgy.  The Thanksgiving may well be swept right off the table as your Friends Thanksgiving turns into a Friends With Benefits Thanksgiving.  If you are looking for a more muted, PG-rated side dish you have come to the wrong place.  This is the culinary pleasure dome and you are the guest of honor.  Serve this dish to a pack of holiday hotties and you will always be the guest of honor.

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 2 dashes ground nutmeg
4. ½ cup heavy cream
5. 1 tbsp unsalted butter
6. 1 large handful shallots finely chopped
7. 1 handful raw PINE NUTS
8. 2 cloves garlic finely chopped
9. 1½ lb fresh spinach

Step 1
Wash your spinach thoroughly, chop off the thick stocks and boil for 2 minutes.  Drain the spinach, straining out as much of the water as you can squeeze.

Step 2
Melt the butter in a pan and sauté the garlic and shallots until they become translucent (approx 3 min).  Add the spinach, salt, black pepper, nutmeg and pine nuts heat through (approx 2 min). Finally add the heavy cream and cook until the cream reduces in half (approx 2 min).

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JAMBALAYA DOWN WITH ME

September 25, 2015

Blue 42, blue 42, hut hut bang!

Welcome to Part II of the 2010 CTB Super Bowl recipe throw down. For the uninitiated or those lacking cognitive reasoning, jambalaya is a dish native to Louisiana, New Orleans in particular. Therefore this dish is dedicated to the New Orleans Saints. My life is too consumed with cooking and banging to pay much attention to football stats. The Saints or the Colts could triumph and it wouldn’t make any difference so long as I have someone warm and cuddly in my bed that night. But in terms of the Food Bowl, New Orleans crushes Indianapolis hands down. The cuisine down South is like a wet dream jumping right off my plate and down my pantaloons. It might be the French influence, it might be the innovations of American ancestors, it might be that I am totally gay for spicy food. I wager all three. But you will turn a few heads with this dish that feeds the hungry, unwashed masses. So whomever you’re cheering for, you will leave a winner with phone numbers and possibly a football-loving hottie on your arm. Read the rest of this entry »


RAM THAT GRAHAM

September 18, 2015

Ram that graham and until your lover say, "Dammmmn!"

Much props goes out to PRISCILLA in Charlotte, NC for this confection concoction. I first made this dessert while I was doing a CTB Home Invasion at her pad. Homegirl had so much great food to work with it was embarrassment of riches. The ladies atteneding all did agree that it was pretty damn delicious. Whodathunk such a random commingling of goods would kick such ass? The graham rammed itself down everybody’s throats with not a complaint in the mix. It’s as if it came to life, wooed each and every one of us individually, and then banged us sweetly. I want to say I was taken advantage of, perhaps violated. But that would be a lie. All witnesses can attest that I was flirting with my dessert all night. Every few minutes I’d be checking it out in the oven, fondling it, cooing sweet nothings about how banging it looked. I woke up in an empty bed with nothing but graham and coconut crumbs and a note that read: Thanks for the memories! Read the rest of this entry »


SAUSAGE PARTY SINWICH

August 24, 2015
sausage n peppers served 2

Big Ol’ Sausage Cumming your way!

Make room! Make room!  A massive sausage is coming straight for your open mouth.  There’s not a whole lot you can do but smile like a donut.  But don’t fear it.  Taste it.  Enjoy it.  Love it.  There’s nothing wrong with phallic food so long as you are comfortable with yourself and enjoy good food.  Just to make you feel better, you can Price Albert the sausage to make it less threatening.  Throw in all the veggies and aphrodisiac avocado and you have an innocuous, yet delicious open-faced sandwich to enjoy with your date.  Need I mention that you can whip these up in 10 minutes flat while you wax poetic with your game?  Now drop your inhibitions and pick up that big ol’ massive meaty sausage. Read the rest of this entry »


ELVIS LIVES (TO BANG) SMOOTHEE

June 24, 2015

Elvis has left the building…with your girl

The King is back. Elvis had the right idea with his clever combination of peanut butter, honey, and bananas. A little gold lame and you will be styling even posthumously. You can be the King of your kitchen when you start your morning out with a glass of burning love. Be the hound dog who gets all shook up in the sack, while avoiding singing in some jail with backup dancers in striped prison suits. This smoothee was made on a whim when I had fuck all for ingredients and was ravenous and parched from exhausting morning sex. Simple, fast, effective. The only thing lacking was a throng of screaming girls. Technically there was only one girl screaming my name. But Elvis wasn’t the King overnight so give me time. Read the rest of this entry »