SLUTTY TEMPLE

April 8, 2016
On the drunk ship lollywhore, We took a trip to the liquor store.

On the drunk ship lollywhore, We took a trip to the liquor store.

Never trust a ginger.  Red heads are duplicitous and allies of Satan.  Their freckles and hair color are unnatural so therefore should be feared.  The same rules apply for drinks.  Drinks should be clear, dark red or brown.  But that scary cherry red from grenadine is the stuff of nightmares, or childhood innocence.  That’s why I ordered a Shirley Temple at the bar.  I wasn’t planning to get hammered or molested by a crazy redhead.  She just managed to get me to drink 6 Shirley Temples before I realized there was enough vodka in them to kill a rhino.  Before I could scream for help, the girl with the red ringlets in her hair had me in her apartment dressed me up in a sailor suit.  I thought it was some nightmare caused by snacking too close to bedtime.  But that was before I saw the YouTube clip of us singing a duet of “The Good Ship Lollypop”.  For the record, I did not have sexual relations with that candy.  But I did with the ginger hussy.  The Slutty Temple made me do it!.

slutty-temple-prepTotal time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)
Eating Buddy: OMG PB&J !, LET’S BANG S’MORE, WHO DA MAC & CHEESE?, TUNA MELT INTO THE SHEETS.

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1 splash of grenadine
2. 1 part vodka
3.  2 parts 7-Up
4. 1 handful of ice
5. 1 wedge of lime

Step 1
First put ice in a glass and then pour the vodka and 7-Up in.  Add a splash of grenadine so the drink gets red, squeeze a lime wedge and drop it the glass.  Stir it all up and serve you innocent, you.

slutty-temple-mix

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LECHEROUS LEPRECHAUN

March 17, 2016
Get lucky like an Irishman in pub full of drunken tarts.

Get lucky like an Irishman in pub full of drunken tarts.

I felt sorry for Lucky the Leprechaun because those shithead kids wouldn’t share any Lucky Charms.  How hard would it have been to hook the little guy up with a small bowl of that artificial flavored filth?  Leave it up to us Americans to exploit and bastardize yet another cultural icon.  You can hardly blame the half-pint of Guinness for turning to the sauce.  At least we now have a symbol to blame all our mid-March misgivings on.  We’ll give props to some forgotten Catholic Saint of Ireland, eat some processed potato product and indulge in whiskey and beer.  Green is THE color and a perfect excuse to pinch the hot ass of that lass or lad not following the day’s chosen color palette.  Green our drinks shall be whether you choose to pour food dye into your Guinness or try on this COOK TO BANG exclusive.  It is sure to bring out the Lecherous Leprechaun in all of us.  So how about it, you lovely lasses?  Wanna set free the leprechaun in my pants?   There’s a pot of gold at the base of my half rainbow.

lecherous-leprechaun-prep1Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: approximately $15 (depending on price of the booze)
Eating Buddy: HO’S MAY BLOW-TATOES

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1 shot of Sour Apple Pucker
2. 1 shot of vodka
3. Club soda
4. ¼ lime cut up and squeezed
5. 1 large handful of ice

Step 1
Squeeze ¼ of a lime into the glass, dropping the remains into the glass after.  Throw in a large handful of ice, and then pour in 1 shot of vodka and 1 shot of Sour Apple Pucker.  Top each glass off with club soda and mix it all together.  Drink up before that leprechaun finishes your bevy for you.
lecherous-leprechaun-mix

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NAUGHTY EGGNOG

December 23, 2015

This Naughty Nog, ba-rumpa-pum-pum

So it’s Christmas time.  You may need to bring something to your (or your significant other’s) family holiday party or perhaps you and a sexy someone have decided to do your own Christmas thang.  It’s about that time to bust something homemade out to leave an outstanding impression.  Make this homemade eggnog recipe you will just do that.  If all goes to plan everyone will be too tanked to think of you as anything but a champ.  Encourage the lot of them to drink up, be merry.  Not merry yet?  Have another glass of this naughty nog.  After enough glasses of this creamy cocktail and they’d forgive you for banging the dog (do us all a favor and abstain from this).  My first experiment with this drink happened during a frightening visit to the ex-Navy colonel father of a girl I was dating after college.  She told me about his medals of valor, not to mention his collection of antique guns.  This was a delicate situation that was easily defused by strong eggnog I threw together on a whim.  By the end of the night Colonel Kill You In Your Sleep was crooning along to Bing Crosby Christmas carols and calling me “son.”  The eggnog was like Kevlar and I was the drunken Baby Jesus. Read the rest of this entry »


BANGSGIVING BEVVY

November 20, 2015

There's so much to be thankful for...give some banging in return.

Tonight is the night.  Whether you came home to see the relatives or are treating your closest friends like the family you bang, shit is going off this evening.  This one goes out to all the people traveling to their hometowns who will catch up with old friends the Thanksgiving Eve. Odds are you will catch up on old times, tell lies about what you’re doing with your life, and drink yourselves into oblivion.  This is the perfect recipe for banging that hottie you always wanted in high school, but never had the game to pull it off.  The new you lacks that doubt that kept you from consummating a crush you likely slapped your genitals around over.  Should the nerve of someone with nothing to lose (at this point, who cares?) still not stand at attention, you got one hell of a festive drink to inspire some courage.  Thanksgiving in a martini glass will just about do it.  These go down smooth so be careful.  You don’t want to do the walk of shame right into your family’s Thanksgiving dinner.

Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Eating Buddy: Anything and everything Thanksgiving themed

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can pear nectar
2. 3 shots vanilla vodka
3. 1 tbsp pumpkin butter
4. Ice
5. 2 cinnamon sticks

Step 1
Combine the pumpkin butter, vanilla vodka, pear nectar, and ice in a martini shaker. Shake it vigorously like you did in high school when you couldn’t get banged if your dweeby life depended on it.  Pour the contents into a martini glass and garnish with a cinnamon stick.

Drink ‘em up, drink ‘em down.  Become that drunken clown!

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HALLOWEEN SUCK-HER PUNCH

October 30, 2015
halloween suck-her punch served

It was a dark and stormy night. There was a knock on my door. I opened the door only to find a slutty vampire ready to suck me dry.

The time is upon us!  My favorite holiday has arrived and I am ready to indulge in all manner of costumed tomfoolery.  You have to love a holiday that is an excuse for girls to bring out their inner sluts.  And sluts are given a pass for being the whores they are.  Dudes can act like maniacs and blame the “character” they are playing.  This year I am dressing like a doctor with a cardboard box labeled: FREE MAMMOGRAMS.  Someone needs to get the word out about Breast Cancer Awareness and if that means fondling hot strangers frittatas, I accept.  Yet I digress from my main point which is encourage my readers to be reckless, drink heavily and sleep with someone dressed like a slutty nurse, hunky fireman or the 10 million lemmings dressed like Michael Jackson.  Halloween is a perfect time to recruit new dates to COOK TO BANG.  Serve this awesomely boozy and rather tasty orange punch and you’ll be well on your way.  When in doubt, blame the booze.  Boo! Read the rest of this entry »


RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

October 2, 2015
This lemonade is SOOO HARD right now!

This lemonade is SOOO HARD right now!

Ever have a lemonade stand with a janky misspelled cardboard sign offering: LEMMONAID 4 SAIL. Sure your mother did all the work and you only earned 35 cents, but you showed entrepreneurial spunk!  What a difference a little vodka could have made.  Read the rest of this entry »


MO MOJO MOJITO

August 28, 2015
Mo Mojo Mojitos gets you mo and mo and mo and...

Mo Mojo Mojitos gets you mo and mo and mo and...

Viva la Revolucion! I’m not talking about Fidel Castro’s cigar chomping communist regime. I’m talking about the cocktail revolution led by the magical mojito. This cocktail is straight liquid sex appeal. The tart of the lime gets your feet moving; the sweet sugar fuels your moves; the frosty mint refreshes you’re overheating arse; the rum makes you holler at the moon. It takes me back to wild nights in Miami drinking way too many mojitos and going home with somebody shaking their hips hypnotically to a meringue beat. Much love goes out to those people in Havana who created such a perfect drink. I long for my own Guantanamera babe to help me get through this cruel winter. Cuba here I come! But in the mean time I can serve these up for the senoritas in my life. Mojitos never fail to arm me with a little mo mojo. The extra effort pays off in dividends when it compliments a spicy ENTRÉE. That’s what I call caliente! Read the rest of this entry »