Riding dirty is the Southern way. At least that is what I learned on my most recent visit to New Orleans. I befriended a Southern belle boozing it up with absinthe at a vampire bar down a dark alley. She did not believe that I was a master of disaster in the kitchen. So I took her challenge on the spot to go back to her place and fix up a meal with only what I found in their kitchen. This cutie with an even cuter accent was unprepared for the awesome assault I unleashed in her mouths and loins. I managed to make NEVER FLAKES CRAB CAKES (minus the mango), a simple salad and a SLOB ON MY KNOBBLER COBBLER with pears. My payment for all my efforts was a cocktail that I present to you. She called it a Pink Lady since she is after all genteel and demure. But the demure soon fizzled away by our fourth round. That’s when she showed me true hospitality in her boudoir. It was only after, while I sipped a lukewarm pink lady as she slumbered next to me that I understood the saying: “Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez.” Read the rest of this entry »
After your hot date gets hotter and steamier, cool off with a refreshing date shake. There is nothing like the taste of ancient lands to flavor the already classic crowd-pleasing milkshake. The Mesoptamian and Egyptian culinary culture grew from dates, which flavored just about every meal. Considering the plethora of kinky among the originators of civilization, it’s a safe bet that using dates will help you evoke ancient sex gods. Just imagine the power of Ra pulsing through your body as you indulge in all manner of ethereal pleasures. Sip on that shake of yours, and get back to work!
Projected cost: $5
Eating Buddy: HOT DUMB BLONDIES
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 cups milk
2. 3 scoop vanilla ice cream
3. 2 tbsp HONEY
4. 1 handful of dates
Removed the pits from the dates and then thoroughly puree them with vanilla ice cream, honey, and milk until your ready to shake that booty. Garnish with an extra date on each glass if you want to look extra cool.
For the uninitiated, tonight or more accurately, early tomorrow morning, November 17, 2009 the Leonid Meteor Shower will be on full display. Viewing times will vary depending on your location, but it will be past your bedtime (approx 11pm-4am). Specific info can be found here:
A better date activity there could not be. Rest assured, you know I will be banging under an exploding sky! So if you have a special someone you want to share a quiet, albeit cold (for my Northern Hemisphere readers) night, prepare yourself. A late night picnic under a kaleidoscope sky is sure to get you laid. Who said romance is dead? Below are suggestions on how to maximize a date of cosmic proportions:
It’s going to be cold. You don’t want to get frostbite on your naughty bits. BRING:
You want something to nibble and something warm and possibly boozy to sip on. Here are suggestions from the CTB canon to SERVE:
Enjoy the show courtesy of the Universe. Happy banging!
Cook to Bang is a proven science fact first discovered by Albert Einstein and the scientists from the Manhattan Project and finely tuned here. But it begs the question of what to do while you COOK in order to BANG. Tis a valid question. Cooking for a date should be like foreplay; the mental connection should evolve naturally into a physical one. It takes some delicate orchestrating to allow the chips to fall “naturally” into seduction. Your overall goal is clear, but play it off as if banging is the last thing on your mind. It’s best to appear as nonchalant and keep things fun and playful. Avoid contrived hookups because they usually end with an awkward kiss and an excuse about waking up early in the morning for a lobotomy. The best laid plans ring hollow and will be construed as purely manipulative. Rightly so. Let the night unfold naturally, but keep a few things in mind during your kinky conquests:
1. EYE CONTACT
Never underestimate the importance of looking someone in the eye while you talk. This keeps them engaged with you, plus makes you seem confident and secure in your cooking and prowess. Note to straight guys: avoid the temptation to ogle their cleavage. There will be plenty of time for that later.
A smile on your face will let your date know that you are genuinely enjoying their company. It reveals what a fun loving person you are and disarms any sense of discomfort. A smile is also infectious so even the crabbiest date will soon be grinning ear to ear, which is a good indicator of things to come.
3. PHYSICAL CONTACT
Be sure to engage in physical contact throughout the cooking and eating process, the subtler the better. A high five, stroke of their hair, or lower back caress early on breaks down the physical boundaries you can obliterate later on in the evening. You will have a good sense of where the night is going based purely on how you are greeted. A hug/kiss on the cheek is a good sign; a handshake or no contact at all likely means you’re probably spooning your pillow…if you’re lucky.
Clearly you’ll be quite busy creating an outstanding meal for your date. Now’s your chance to reveal just how interested you are in their life by asking pointed questions and listening intently. Much like a court of law, the less you say to incriminate yourself, the better your chance of success. This works in reverse too because you will have ammo about silly quirks or embarrassing stories from their past you can use to playfully tease them about.
Most of these suggestions fall under the category of flirting. But it is important to know where to draw the distinction between flirtation and sleazy cum ons. The ultimate goal is to create back and forth banter that will draw you two ever closer towards the inevitable kiss and beyond. Keep the conversation light and full of sexual innuendo, but avoid being pervy. There will be plenty of time to reveal what a scoundrel you are when the time is right.
6. BE FUNNY
You would be a fool to underestimate how much chemistry lies in humor. There’s a reason why pint-sized menches like Woody Allen and David Spade can attract the hottest women on the planet. Make them laugh and you can make the gasp. Be sure to tell jokes, stories, and anecdotes. Bonus points if they relate to cooking and food.
7. KEEP DRINKS FLOWING
Be a good host always. Don’t misconstrue this to mean get your date wasted so you can take advantage. But a little libation lubrication never hurt nobody. Be ever mindful of their comfort level, which means keeping their glass full, their mind entertained, and their interest piqued. Another glass of Merlot?
8. DANCE WHILE COOKING
There is a direct parallel between dancing and banging. Your bodies moving in sync to the music, your eyes locked, a passionate embrace all lead to a happy ending. So let inspiration take you over while the pasta boils and spontaneously spin your date around the kitchen. If the mechanics are right you can sneak in a kiss before dinner that will bubble up over the meal and explode come dessert.
9. FEED YOUR DATE
Keep your date engaged in the culinary process. A key way to make this happen is to feed them as the food gets near completion. Let them lick the spoon of the cooking dough, try a bite of the pasta sauce, or sample a raspberry you will serve with dessert. Get their suggestions and suddenly they are emotionally invested in the meal. Remember to feed them from your spoon or better yet, out of your hand.