April 8, 2016
On the drunk ship lollywhore, We took a trip to the liquor store.
Never trust a ginger. Red heads are duplicitous and allies of Satan. Their freckles and hair color are unnatural so therefore should be feared. The same rules apply for drinks. Drinks should be clear, dark red or brown. But that scary cherry red from grenadine is the stuff of nightmares, or childhood innocence. That’s why I ordered a Shirley Temple at the bar. I wasn’t planning to get hammered or molested by a crazy redhead. She just managed to get me to drink 6 Shirley Temples before I realized there was enough vodka in them to kill a rhino. Before I could scream for help, the girl with the red ringlets in her hair had me in her apartment dressed me up in a sailor suit. I thought it was some nightmare caused by snacking too close to bedtime. But that was before I saw the YouTube clip of us singing a duet of “The Good Ship Lollypop”. For the record, I did not have sexual relations with that candy. But I did with the ginger hussy. The Slutty Temple made me do it!.
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)
Eating Buddy: OMG PB&J !, LET’S BANG S’MORE, WHO DA MAC & CHEESE?, TUNA MELT INTO THE SHEETS.
Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1 splash of grenadine
2. 1 part vodka
3. 2 parts 7-Up
4. 1 handful of ice
5. 1 wedge of lime
First put ice in a glass and then pour the vodka and 7-Up in. Add a splash of grenadine so the drink gets red, squeeze a lime wedge and drop it the glass. Stir it all up and serve you innocent, you.
January 16, 2016
KABOOM! goes the inhibitions.
Fast cars! Exploding building! Gratuitous sex! Sounds like my kind of movie. But this ain’t a movie. This is real life. One guzzle of a fresh-squeezed greyhound and your life may become a grindhouse movie. I know what you’re thinking: “How can my life turn into some Tarantino fantasy?” Simple. In the blink of an eye. After your first gulp, you will find that your hunch about your neighbor harvesting cyborg alien eggs is totally correct. By your second drink, that Toyota you drive will transform into a muscle car with machine gun turrets. By the time you finish your tasty beverage, you and the hottest piece of ass shall be scantily clad firing bazookas at zombie Jehovah’s Witnesses. The only comfort in all the chaos is to seek carnal comforts with one another as the world comes to an end. Another greyhound? Read the rest of this entry »
October 30, 2015
It was a dark and stormy night. There was a knock on my door. I opened the door only to find a slutty vampire ready to suck me dry.
The time is upon us! My favorite holiday has arrived and I am ready to indulge in all manner of costumed tomfoolery. You have to love a holiday that is an excuse for girls to bring out their inner sluts. And sluts are given a pass for being the whores they are. Dudes can act like maniacs and blame the “character” they are playing. This year I am dressing like a doctor with a cardboard box labeled: FREE MAMMOGRAMS. Someone needs to get the word out about Breast Cancer Awareness and if that means fondling hot strangers frittatas, I accept. Yet I digress from my main point which is encourage my readers to be reckless, drink heavily and sleep with someone dressed like a slutty nurse, hunky fireman or the 10 million lemmings dressed like Michael Jackson. Halloween is a perfect time to recruit new dates to COOK TO BANG. Serve this awesomely boozy and rather tasty orange punch and you’ll be well on your way. When in doubt, blame the booze. Boo! Read the rest of this entry »
August 14, 2015
Too hot to handle, Too cold to hold. They call this an aphrodisiac, Now go and be bold!
I feel ya! Now feel me. Go on. Reach out and take hold. Wondering what that hot sensation is? It’s my caliente Latin vibe making your brow sweat, heart race, and loins go pitter-patter. Who says boozy drinks can only be sweet, sour, or bloody boring? A pox on thy lame house! How about a spicy alcoholic beverage that is sure to prime them for the night’s inevitable conclusion? That, my friends, is taking the initiative. Your date will never accuse you of having an apologetic palette. Now be sure to feel them as they feel ya tequila. Read the rest of this entry »
November 21, 2014
I’m dreaming of a wet martini.
Some dreams are memorable, others haunt you for weeks after, and the best kind leave your sheets sticky the next morning. That’s what we’re going for here. You want your dreams as naughty as you can get. This martini is here to turn those obscene dreams into reality. Why shouldn’t you indulge in all of your dreams, noble and sordid alike? You work hard; you do good throughout your life; you deserve to do a little bad. Next time you have a classy hottie over for something delicious and decadent, get dreamy with martini shaker. Bonus points that pomegranate juice is rich in cancer-fighting antioxidants so any perverted intentions get canceled out. Read the rest of this entry »
August 1, 2014
Morgina? Aye yi, el capitan!
I discovered this drink purely by accident. While visiting New York, a friend brought me to one of the last games played in Yankee Stadium. Responsible members of society that we are, we pre-gamed in the subway. Serendipity inspired my friend to get a bottle of Captain Morgan’s while I was thirsty for a little Eurotrash soda and went with Orangina. As a lark, we combined forces and something magical happened. Two derelicts boozing on the subway caught their own lightning in a bottle! As the booze kicked in, we became spokesmen for our new beverage. I’m sure we frightened most of our fellow subway riders, but if we inspired only one other person, it was worth it. The game itself was uneventful. Truth be told, I don’t remember most of it. But after the game we caught up with some girls we me out at a bar the other night. The ladies did agree that we reinvented the wheel with our new beverage. We got muy intoxicado and carried on like pirates into the wee hours sans clothing. Read the rest of this entry »
May 15, 2014
It’s party time! The night is full of possibilities. You have your date lined up. You are pretty sure things are good to go. So don’t leave the cocktails to chance. Class wherever you’re going up with some watermelon ice cubes. You can turn a boring vodka soda into a superbly subtle recipe for delectable debauchery. Watermelon is a bonafide aphrodisiac that has the same compounds that Viagra offers to get guys’ pistons firing at full speed. The juicy melon is mostly water, with a refreshing flavor that does your body right. Allow the cube to melt and the watermelon particles break away, turbo-charging your drink for the night ahead. If an erection lasts for more than four hours…go with it! Read the rest of this entry »
May 12, 2014
Tequila to kill ya inhibitions and ability to tell right from wrong.
Tequila makes you crazy. No one who’s ever spent a night in college trying to bang an empty keg will argue with that. But that is what we love about it. Any and all sordid and possibly illegal acts we perform can be blamed on the mysterious Mexican firewater. I blame tequila even when I’m sober, usually when apologizing for banging someone I shouldn’t like my brother’s “off limits” friends. So this drink gives you carte blanche to act like a total madman/woman. And while you’re at it, you get a healthy dose of vitamin C from fresh squeezed OJ (there is no substitute for fresh squeezed; concentrate is totally whack). And if your health and taste aren’t enough, just think about that purty sunrise you can watch at any time of day or night. Read the rest of this entry »
March 7, 2014
Open your mouth and take it all in...
Happy 2010 to my beloved readers! Here’s to another year full of dirty dishes and used condoms. You deserve to pour yourself a cocktail to celebrate. Go ahead. Don’t be shy. Take it all in. Suck it all the way down and then ask for more. Taste it? That’s the flavor of a mimosa supped up with all kinds of sexy. Sure you could have poured orange juice from concentrate, but we both know you are your date deserve better. Nothing but the goods for you, superstar. Get right up in it and take ownership over this non-cock-blocking cocktail. You are starting the day off with a bang. Hopefully more than one bang considering you are the embodiment of hot sex on a platter. Gulp-to-gulp, kitchen-to-bed, enjoy some fine morning head. Read the rest of this entry »
January 28, 2011
This is one type of blood you would never fear.
Blood oranges are bulbous citrus-filled orgasms. They bring me more joy than I can possibly articulate with earthly language. Suffice to say that everything they touch gets better and classier. The fact you don’t have any in your kitchen makes me question your commitment to your libido. Now’s your chance to earn my respect back: truck on over to the store to get what’s yours. Got some now? Good. We may proceed with mixing up a sexsational cocktail that will leaving your date begging for more. I fully expect you to take credit for inventing this drink. Your date will be all the more impressed that you are a master mixologist in addition to being a cunning linguist with your cunnilingus. Now make it rainy, you bloody bastard! Read the rest of this entry »