LECHEROUS LEPRECHAUN

March 17, 2016
Get lucky like an Irishman in pub full of drunken tarts.

Get lucky like an Irishman in pub full of drunken tarts.

I felt sorry for Lucky the Leprechaun because those shithead kids wouldn’t share any Lucky Charms.  How hard would it have been to hook the little guy up with a small bowl of that artificial flavored filth?  Leave it up to us Americans to exploit and bastardize yet another cultural icon.  You can hardly blame the half-pint of Guinness for turning to the sauce.  At least we now have a symbol to blame all our mid-March misgivings on.  We’ll give props to some forgotten Catholic Saint of Ireland, eat some processed potato product and indulge in whiskey and beer.  Green is THE color and a perfect excuse to pinch the hot ass of that lass or lad not following the day’s chosen color palette.  Green our drinks shall be whether you choose to pour food dye into your Guinness or try on this COOK TO BANG exclusive.  It is sure to bring out the Lecherous Leprechaun in all of us.  So how about it, you lovely lasses?  Wanna set free the leprechaun in my pants?   There’s a pot of gold at the base of my half rainbow.

lecherous-leprechaun-prep1Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: approximately $15 (depending on price of the booze)
Eating Buddy: HO’S MAY BLOW-TATOES

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1 shot of Sour Apple Pucker
2. 1 shot of vodka
3. Club soda
4. ¼ lime cut up and squeezed
5. 1 large handful of ice

Step 1
Squeeze ¼ of a lime into the glass, dropping the remains into the glass after.  Throw in a large handful of ice, and then pour in 1 shot of vodka and 1 shot of Sour Apple Pucker.  Top each glass off with club soda and mix it all together.  Drink up before that leprechaun finishes your bevy for you.
lecherous-leprechaun-mix

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RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

October 2, 2015
This lemonade is SOOO HARD right now!

This lemonade is SOOO HARD right now!

Ever have a lemonade stand with a janky misspelled cardboard sign offering: LEMMONAID 4 SAIL. Sure your mother did all the work and you only earned 35 cents, but you showed entrepreneurial spunk!  What a difference a little vodka could have made.  Read the rest of this entry »


MO MOJO MOJITO

August 28, 2015
Mo Mojo Mojitos gets you mo and mo and mo and...

Mo Mojo Mojitos gets you mo and mo and mo and...

Viva la Revolucion! I’m not talking about Fidel Castro’s cigar chomping communist regime. I’m talking about the cocktail revolution led by the magical mojito. This cocktail is straight liquid sex appeal. The tart of the lime gets your feet moving; the sweet sugar fuels your moves; the frosty mint refreshes you’re overheating arse; the rum makes you holler at the moon. It takes me back to wild nights in Miami drinking way too many mojitos and going home with somebody shaking their hips hypnotically to a meringue beat. Much love goes out to those people in Havana who created such a perfect drink. I long for my own Guantanamera babe to help me get through this cruel winter. Cuba here I come! But in the mean time I can serve these up for the senoritas in my life. Mojitos never fail to arm me with a little mo mojo. The extra effort pays off in dividends when it compliments a spicy ENTRÉE. That’s what I call caliente! Read the rest of this entry »


BUNNY RANCH WATER

April 15, 2015
I'm sure you'll chase these bunnies down the rabbit hole

I’m sure you’ll chase these bunnies down the rabbit hole

Celebrate like a proper American.  Freedom, baby, yeah!  Indulge in all your liberties, including those only legal in certain Nevada counties.  While I personally don’t pay to bang (I cook, remember?), I certainly exchange goods (my awesome food) for sexual favors. Make your own backyard into your bunny ranch.  If you are good enough, perhaps you can bang the local cougars for quick cash while they send their hubbies out for more hamburger buns.  This simple drink is perfect for drinking all day in the sun with those you wish to bang.  It’s especially enjoyable floating in a pool surrounded by hard bodies.  So relax from all your labors and drink up.  How else will we pull ourselves out of recession?

bunny ranch water prepTotal time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Eating Buddy: Any GRILLED GOODIES

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 2 shots silver tequila
2. Club soda
3. Ice
4. ½ lime
5. 1 small handful mint leaves
6. 2 STRAWBERRIES

Step 1

Fill each glass halfway up with ice.  Squeeze ½ a lime into each, dropping the rinds into cup.  Crush the strawberries in your hands and drop into the class.  Toss in a small handful of mint leaves.  Pour in the tequila.  Fill the rest of the glass with club soda and top each glass up with ice.

bunny ranch water mix

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MAIL ORDER WHITE RUSSIAN BRIDE

September 19, 2014
You won't need Fedex with this Russian Mail Order Bride

You won’t need Fedex with this Russian Mail Order Bride

Olga came in a box, bubble-wrapped like a porcelain doll, holes punched into it so she could breathe. The shady website I bought her off of had to be translated by my sketchy coworker Sergei. I was $60 lighter, but now I had someone living in my house who did everything I pleased. And we’re not just talking washing dishes after one of my cooking frenzies! What made it all worth it, besides the commie sex of course, was that she had a white Russian prepared for me as soon as I came home from work. To this day, I have never found anyone who could make the drink half as well as my little Olga. What happened to her you ask? Turns out it was all a scam so she could steal my identity and my collection of baseball cards. I don’t even think Olga was her real name. Those rascally Russians! Read the rest of this entry »


MIMOSUCK IT

March 7, 2014

Open your mouth and take it all in...

Happy 2010 to my beloved readers! Here’s to another year full of dirty dishes and used condoms. You deserve to pour yourself a cocktail to celebrate. Go ahead. Don’t be shy. Take it all in. Suck it all the way down and then ask for more. Taste it? That’s the flavor of a mimosa supped up with all kinds of sexy. Sure you could have poured orange juice from concentrate, but we both know you are your date deserve better. Nothing but the goods for you, superstar. Get right up in it and take ownership over this non-cock-blocking cocktail. You are starting the day off with a bang. Hopefully more than one bang considering you are the embodiment of hot sex on a platter. Gulp-to-gulp, kitchen-to-bed, enjoy some fine morning head. Read the rest of this entry »


HOTTIE TODDY

December 14, 2012
Warm your date's bones before your bones get jumped!

Warm your date's bones before your bones get jumped!

It’s like an 80’s ski movie.  There you are in the ski lodge after a day making fresh turns all day on the slopes.  It’s snowing heavily and you’ve hung up your skis or snowboard.  Your bones start to thaw and across the bar you see a ski bunny or dude checking you out, a Hot Toddy in hand.  Not a bad idea.  You order yourself one before sauntering over and introducing yourself.  You make up a story about how you nearly made it to the 2002 Winter Olympics in Utah, but you chose instead to double major in quantum physics and Japanese at Oxford.  Sure you’re a billionaire now, but you regret not winning the gold for your country.  But hey, you’ll take their phone number as a consolation prize and make plans to meet up later after you shower the ski stink off.  Number in hand, you make your way over to high five your ski buddies and savor the Hot Toddy warming your cold bones. Read the rest of this entry »