GIFT TO BANG – HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE

December 21, 2015
Put down the crackberry.  Try the Chipotle Blackberry.
Put down the crackberry. Try the Chipotle Blackberry.

So now you’re down to the wire now.  You blew all your cash on gifts for the family and forgot about that certain someone who’s been keeping your bed warm at night. Whoops! Soon you will be going your separate ways giving each of you time to think and reflect.  This could be a very bad thing if you leave on a inconsiderate cheapskate note.  Giving them nothing likely will result in not getting some for a while if not ever.  Considering the holiday rush at the stores for anything worth a damn, why not skip all that noise?  Save time and money by getting DIY with some jarring, player.  HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE offers an aphrodisiac double threat with the chipotle chili kick and blackberry antioxidant money shot.  It’s spicy, it’s sweet, it’s versatile.  Spread it on a sandwich, marinate meat and fish and grill, turn it into a sexy salad dressing with some vinegar.  Hand all your special someones a jar to remember you by, with luck a part of you will be in their mouth even months later (if you pressure seal the jars).  Let jarring begin!

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RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

October 2, 2015
This lemonade is SOOO HARD right now!

This lemonade is SOOO HARD right now!

Ever have a lemonade stand with a janky misspelled cardboard sign offering: LEMMONAID 4 SAIL. Sure your mother did all the work and you only earned 35 cents, but you showed entrepreneurial spunk!  What a difference a little vodka could have made.  Read the rest of this entry »


MO MOJO MOJITO

August 28, 2015
Mo Mojo Mojitos gets you mo and mo and mo and...

Mo Mojo Mojitos gets you mo and mo and mo and...

Viva la Revolucion! I’m not talking about Fidel Castro’s cigar chomping communist regime. I’m talking about the cocktail revolution led by the magical mojito. This cocktail is straight liquid sex appeal. The tart of the lime gets your feet moving; the sweet sugar fuels your moves; the frosty mint refreshes you’re overheating arse; the rum makes you holler at the moon. It takes me back to wild nights in Miami drinking way too many mojitos and going home with somebody shaking their hips hypnotically to a meringue beat. Much love goes out to those people in Havana who created such a perfect drink. I long for my own Guantanamera babe to help me get through this cruel winter. Cuba here I come! But in the mean time I can serve these up for the senoritas in my life. Mojitos never fail to arm me with a little mo mojo. The extra effort pays off in dividends when it compliments a spicy ENTRÉE. That’s what I call caliente! Read the rest of this entry »


I FEEL YA TEQUILA

August 14, 2015

Too hot to handle, Too cold to hold. They call this an aphrodisiac, Now go and be bold!

I feel ya! Now feel me. Go on. Reach out and take hold. Wondering what that hot sensation is? It’s my caliente Latin vibe making your brow sweat, heart race, and loins go pitter-patter. Who says boozy drinks can only be sweet, sour, or bloody boring? A pox on thy lame house! How about a spicy alcoholic beverage that is sure to prime them for the night’s inevitable conclusion? That, my friends, is taking the initiative. Your date will never accuse you of having an apologetic palette. Now be sure to feel them as they feel ya tequila. Read the rest of this entry »


BANG YO ROASTED MANGO

July 31, 2015
Groovy booty, fresh and fruity

Groovy booty, fresh and fruity

You’ve done good tonight.  A for effort!  All the effort you put into the meal should have earned you enough street cred by now to make the move.  But should you choose the road of sweet temptation, try this ridiculously easy dessert.  It’s great solo or with ice cream, but also compliments many meals like Orangasmic Catfish.  You will appear to be a kitchen god who cooks like a champ so probably bangs like a champ too.  Be sure to allow time to roast while your date enjoys the magnificent maestro’s meal.

Ingredients:
1. 2 mangoes
2. 1 tablespoon of brown sugar
3. 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
4. 1 dollup of honey

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Cut the mango in half, remove the pit, leave the skin and cut bite size piece into the mango meat.

Step 2
Add the brown sugar, cinnamon and honey into the holes where the mango pits were.

Step 3
Cook in the oven for 35-45 minutes until the honey, brown sugar and cinnamon becomes a gooey syrup.

Step 4
By now your kitchen should smell great, which should impress the hell out of your lucky date.  Serve it up with other food or ice cream and before you know it…BANG!

Variations:
•    This recipe can also be made with peaches, nectarines or apples where you hollow out the core so the gooeyness can take it off the chain!


LECHEROUS LEMON BARS

May 27, 2015
These are lemon bar none the best way to make somone sweet into a tart

These are lemon bar none the best way to make somone sweet into a tart

Lemon bars are a fairly innocuous sweet treat favored by WASPy church ladies and the uptight men that don’t get to bang them.  Even I can appreciate the wholesome nature of these lovely lemon luxuries.  But that doesn’t mean we must have undying reverence for the sacred lemon bar.  Make them right and lemon bars can be a citrus-soaked ticket to Boom-Shaka-Laka-Land.  Praise be to the dessert treat that can lure in the do-gooder with the do-great ass using sweetness, then convince them to get naked with sour tart.  Think of these lemon bars as the bait on a trap, a decoy if you will.  Plant a seed with that sexy new coworker, naughty neighbor, or coffee shop acquaintance.  Hand them a bar, allow them to experience the orgasmic indulgence in private and wait. Compliments and praise for your culinary prowess will surely follow.  This is the part where you invite them over to your place for more of the same, but in a more intimate setting.  Game, set and match! Read the rest of this entry »


IT’S ON LIKE SZECHUAN EGGPLANT

October 22, 2014
Forgive the food slur and start to purr

Forgive the food slur and start to purr

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  This is not a test of the emergency broadcast center.  There will definitely be something wrong with your TV once I unleash the fury.  The Chinese have responded to a white man’s attempt at a classic dish.  UN resolutions were passed, harsh censures and condemnations issued, apologies accepted that rebuked.  Who would have thought me taking a little creative license in the kitchen to try to impress a cute Chinese citizen would cause such international crisis?  Granted, homegirl wasn’t impressed for authentic it was not.  But tasty it was.  Perhaps I can explain that to the lynch mob surrounding my house with pitchforks.  Newsflash, douche bags: my head on a platter won’t smooth things over.  Only the diplomacy in my pants will do.  Now fly me to Beijing! Read the rest of this entry »