December 22, 2015
I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!
The economy has had a swift kick in the nuts for every consumer rich and poor. The holidays are here and gifts need to be exchanged. Your lovers are no exception. The holidays are a great time to clean house of the more shameful members of your roster. Give them nothing but a booty text with a holiday reference like “How’s my ho ho ho?” But you may have one or two (or three or thirty) that you’d like to see more of in the New Year. You gotta pony up sometimes, which doesn’t necessarily have to cost money. Purchasing jewelry, lingerie or a personalized bowling ball can easily land you in trouble, especially if your give Tina the panties meant for Rochelle. That’s why a culinary DIY project can bring a nice personal touch that reminds them once again what a phenomenal cook and lover you are. Making some transportable food sends just the right message. You won’t set up grand expectations or be considered stingy, just a matter of fact, “I think you are terrific and hope to bang you in the new year.”
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December 21, 2015
- Put down the crackberry. Try the Chipotle Blackberry.
So now you’re down to the wire now. You blew all your cash on gifts for the family and forgot about that certain someone who’s been keeping your bed warm at night. Whoops! Soon you will be going your separate ways giving each of you time to think and reflect. This could be a very bad thing if you leave on a inconsiderate cheapskate note. Giving them nothing likely will result in not getting some for a while if not ever. Considering the holiday rush at the stores for anything worth a damn, why not skip all that noise? Save time and money by getting DIY with some jarring, player. HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE offers an aphrodisiac double threat with the chipotle chili kick and blackberry antioxidant money shot. It’s spicy, it’s sweet, it’s versatile. Spread it on a sandwich, marinate meat and fish and grill, turn it into a sexy salad dressing with some vinegar. Hand all your special someones a jar to remember you by, with luck a part of you will be in their mouth even months later (if you pressure seal the jars). Let jarring begin!
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December 18, 2015
There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have a hard time saying no to a three-way. Even if that just means three-sided tofu treats, I’m down. So many good things come in threes. Comedy gold is done in trifecta. My favorite nights of carnal connections involved a third party. Clearly three is company and never a crowd. And what better way to ignite such an evening of exploration and fornication than with some edible treats? These tofu triangles are classy, sassy and won’t leave you gassy. Plus you can appeal to the free loving hippie in all of us by serving tofu. A little curiosity never hurt no one no how! Read the rest of this entry »
December 11, 2015
Naughty hot chocolate for the hottie in your life.
It’s colder than Ann Coulter’s heart outside. You’re date is no doubt keen to stay warm during these cruel winter months. Luckily you are generous with sharing your body warmth. Tis the season to be giving indeed. This alcoholic hot chocolate recipe should help you mark a few extra notches until spring fever kicks in like rabbits in heat. You get the comfort of a hot chocolate that warms the bones while the cocoa aphrodisiac sets the loins ablaze. The minty alcohol will follow up as a double threat that will lower inhibitions and freshen your breath. The two of you should be rolling around in the snow butt-naked in no time. Read the rest of this entry »
November 27, 2015
Be thankful for your bountiful bevvy of beauties
The Thanksgiving is hangover on now. You’re probably stumbling through your family’s home plastered on eggnog and convincing only the dog that your life is on track. At least the turkey was good, right? Turkey can keep the Thanksgiving spirit alive with that sexy someone. Hopefully you’ll be able to convince them that you are in fact close with your family and show signs of taming. If all goes to plan, your hedonistic instincts should be masked until after its too late for them to turn back. This is comfort food at its sexiest. The goat cheese cranberry sauce becomes a sexy time explosion in your mouth, while the crisp lettuce, tart tomato, buttery avocado, and crunchy bread gets your knees knocking boots. Your family will be happy to know that the food they made with such love and care is now getting you laid. Who says COOK TO BANG doesn’t encourage family values? Read the rest of this entry »
October 12, 2015
Lox them up and throw away the key!
Parents, you have been warned. Now that this ridonkulously easy recipe is public knowledge, the world of culinary seduction just got a little easier. All those innocent girls yearning to spread their wings shall descend upon the bait laid out for them. Once they’ve had a taste of this forbidden fruit, all bets are off. I know that the Religious Right are gritting their teeth and preparing a contingency plan. Sorry, suckers. There’s nothing you can do now but pray really HARD. The rest of us will be cooking and BANGING really HARD. Read the rest of this entry »
June 15, 2015
- Gettin’ your goat will make you float and rock that boat!
So you don’t think goats are sexy, huh? You don’t find their hooves and beards enchanting? Their bleating cries a top a craggily mountains isn’t a huge turn on? Then you haven’t sampled goat cheese baked to perfection with the pistachio crust atop a mountain of greens and grape boulders smothered is a sticky sweet balsamic reduction. You may find yourself licking the plate clean and stealing a little off your lover’s plate (CTB won’t tell). No one will blame you once this sexy dish seduces your mouth, body and soul. The goat bleats will become a choir of enchanting angels beckoning you to join them in their four-legged rendition of the Macarena. You will be completely powerless to resist and you will love every minute of it because your date will be by your side, equally entranced by the goat cheese’s power that is turbo-charged with the balsamic blast. The healthy spinach and the mysterious aphrodisiac powers of the grapes create a perfect storm of culinary delight. Give in and go with it. This salad can take you places you never knew existed. And at the end of the journey your inevitable sexual conquest will be secondary to the post-coital glow you experienced with love at first bite. Read the rest of this entry »
November 21, 2014
I’m dreaming of a wet martini.
Some dreams are memorable, others haunt you for weeks after, and the best kind leave your sheets sticky the next morning. That’s what we’re going for here. You want your dreams as naughty as you can get. This martini is here to turn those obscene dreams into reality. Why shouldn’t you indulge in all of your dreams, noble and sordid alike? You work hard; you do good throughout your life; you deserve to do a little bad. Next time you have a classy hottie over for something delicious and decadent, get dreamy with martini shaker. Bonus points that pomegranate juice is rich in cancer-fighting antioxidants so any perverted intentions get canceled out. Read the rest of this entry »
October 3, 2014
Butterball butternut bust-a-nut
Cook To Bang is nothing without its readership. If a recipe helps someone bang in the woods and no one is there to film it, does it make a moaning sound? I’ll leave that to the philosophers far wiser than me to answer. A massive shout out is due to my man DJ JD of Ottawa, Canada for this recipe. Homeboy came through with a unique and outstanding recipe when I needed it most. I make a point of not dating vegans since they severely limit my palette. But this particular vegan’s beauty is outclassed only by her cheeky personality. Naturally, a classy specimen of humanity deserves a little leeway. So after racking my sex-addled brain for a vegan recipe, I found JD’s email and took it for a test drive. Hot damn! This butternut squash soup made both our heads spin with glee. The vegan vixen was more than pleased. If Cooking To Bang was an Olympic event, JD just won the gold. CUE “Oh, Canada!” Read the rest of this entry »