KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES

April 11, 2016
Don't forget the milk with them titties
Don’t forget the milk with them titties

Give it up for KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES.  They are stupidly simple to make, show imagination and a touch of humor, the essentially ingredient in attraction.  If you’re a guy, these say, “I love your breasts so much I had to commemorate them with a high calorie treat.”  If you’re a woman, the cookies say, “Just to remind you how amazing my breasts are, take a nibble, baby.”  Everybody wins with these edible mammaries!  An added bonus is that you can make a ton of these if you are dating more than one person.  Plus they make great gifts for your friends, coworkers and family that aren’t easily offended.  You best get baking.

peanut-kisses-prepIngredients (makes 20-30 cookies):
1. 1 cup of brown sugar
2. 1 cup of white sugar
3. 1¼ cups of flour
4. ½ teaspoon of baking soda
5. ½ teaspoon of baking powder
6. ½ cup of peanut butter
7. 1 teaspoon of vanilla
8. ½ cup of honey
9. 2 eggs
10. Hershey Kisses
11. ½ cup of margarine or butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.  Mix the butter/margarine and peanut butter.  Mix in the eggs and vanilla.  Next mix the baking powder, baking soda, honey, white and brown sugars.  Finally mix the flour in (the mixture will be thick so be careful not to burn out the engine if you use a hand blender).peanut-kisses-mix
Step 2
Unwrap all the Hershey Kisses and set aside.  Roll small balls of cookie dough the side of walnuts in their shells.  Set two balls side by side, leaving a ½ inch between them.   Make sure each pair has enough room to expand.  Bake 7 to 9 minutes until the edges of the cookies brown.  Remove from the oven and transfer onto wax paper to cool, immediately setting 2 Kisses on each cookie.  After a minute, pinch the tips and push down softly until you get your desire areola look.  Allow to cool, then package for gifts or each with milk, soymilk or by itself.
peanut-kisses-bake-pinch

peanut-kisses-served1

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GIFT TO BANG #1 – RADICALLY ROASTED PEPPERS

December 22, 2015
I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!

I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!

The economy has had a swift kick in the nuts for every consumer rich and poor.  The holidays are here and gifts need to be exchanged.  Your lovers are no exception.  The holidays are a great time to clean house of the more shameful members of your roster.  Give them nothing but a booty text with a holiday reference like “How’s my ho ho ho?”  But you may have one or two (or three or thirty) that you’d like to see more of in the New Year.  You gotta pony up sometimes, which doesn’t necessarily have to cost money.  Purchasing jewelry, lingerie or a personalized bowling ball can easily land you in trouble, especially if your give Tina the panties meant for Rochelle.  That’s why a culinary DIY project can bring a nice personal touch that reminds them once again what a phenomenal cook and lover you are.   Making some transportable food sends just the right message.  You won’t set up grand expectations or be considered stingy, just a matter of fact, “I think you are terrific and hope to bang you in the new year.”

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GIFT TO BANG – HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE

December 21, 2015
Put down the crackberry.  Try the Chipotle Blackberry.
Put down the crackberry. Try the Chipotle Blackberry.

So now you’re down to the wire now.  You blew all your cash on gifts for the family and forgot about that certain someone who’s been keeping your bed warm at night. Whoops! Soon you will be going your separate ways giving each of you time to think and reflect.  This could be a very bad thing if you leave on a inconsiderate cheapskate note.  Giving them nothing likely will result in not getting some for a while if not ever.  Considering the holiday rush at the stores for anything worth a damn, why not skip all that noise?  Save time and money by getting DIY with some jarring, player.  HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE offers an aphrodisiac double threat with the chipotle chili kick and blackberry antioxidant money shot.  It’s spicy, it’s sweet, it’s versatile.  Spread it on a sandwich, marinate meat and fish and grill, turn it into a sexy salad dressing with some vinegar.  Hand all your special someones a jar to remember you by, with luck a part of you will be in their mouth even months later (if you pressure seal the jars).  Let jarring begin!

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MÉNAGE À TOFU TRIANGLES

December 18, 2015
There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.

There's room for one more, three's never a crowd.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have a hard time saying no to a three-way.  Even if that just means three-sided tofu treats, I’m down.  So many good things come in threes.  Comedy gold is done in trifecta.  My favorite nights of carnal connections involved a third party.  Clearly three is company and never a crowd.  And what better way to ignite such an evening of exploration and fornication than with some edible treats?  These tofu triangles are classy, sassy and won’t leave you gassy. Plus you can appeal to the free loving hippie in all of us by serving tofu.  A little curiosity never hurt no one no how! Read the rest of this entry »


SMOKING HOT PEPPERMINT FATTY

December 11, 2015
Naughty hot chocolate for the hottie in your life.

Naughty hot chocolate for the hottie in your life.

It’s colder than Ann Coulter’s heart outside.  You’re date is no doubt keen to stay warm during these cruel winter months.  Luckily you are generous with sharing your body warmth.  Tis the season to be giving indeed.  This alcoholic hot chocolate recipe should help you mark a few extra notches until spring fever kicks in like rabbits in heat.  You get the comfort of a hot chocolate that warms the bones while the cocoa aphrodisiac sets the loins ablaze.  The minty alcohol will follow up as a double threat that will lower inhibitions and freshen your breath.  The two of you should be rolling around in the snow butt-naked in no time. Read the rest of this entry »


GIVE THANKS TO DADDY SINWICH

November 27, 2015
Be thankful for your bountiful bevvy of beauties

Be thankful for your bountiful bevvy of beauties

The Thanksgiving is hangover on  now.  You’re probably stumbling through your family’s home plastered on eggnog and convincing only the dog that your life is on track.  At least the turkey was good, right?   Turkey can keep the Thanksgiving spirit alive with that sexy someone.  Hopefully you’ll be able to convince them that you are in fact close with your family and show signs of taming.  If all goes to plan, your hedonistic instincts should be masked until after its too late for them to turn back. This is comfort food at its sexiest.  The goat cheese cranberry sauce becomes a sexy time explosion in your mouth, while the crisp lettuce, tart tomato, buttery avocado, and crunchy bread gets your knees knocking boots.  Your family will be happy to know that the food they made with such love and care is now getting you laid.  Who says COOK TO BANG doesn’t encourage family values? Read the rest of this entry »


LOX UP YOUR DAUGHTERS

October 12, 2015
Lox them up and throw away the key!

Lox them up and throw away the key!

Parents, you have been warned.  Now that this ridonkulously easy recipe is public knowledge, the world of culinary seduction just got a little easier. All those innocent girls yearning to spread their wings shall descend upon the bait laid out for them.  Once they’ve had a taste of this forbidden fruit, all bets are off.  I know that the Religious Right are gritting their teeth and preparing a contingency plan.  Sorry, suckers.  There’s nothing you can do now but pray really HARD.  The rest of us will be cooking and BANGING really HARD. Read the rest of this entry »