KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES

April 11, 2016
Don't forget the milk with them titties
Don’t forget the milk with them titties

Give it up for KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES.  They are stupidly simple to make, show imagination and a touch of humor, the essentially ingredient in attraction.  If you’re a guy, these say, “I love your breasts so much I had to commemorate them with a high calorie treat.”  If you’re a woman, the cookies say, “Just to remind you how amazing my breasts are, take a nibble, baby.”  Everybody wins with these edible mammaries!  An added bonus is that you can make a ton of these if you are dating more than one person.  Plus they make great gifts for your friends, coworkers and family that aren’t easily offended.  You best get baking.

peanut-kisses-prepIngredients (makes 20-30 cookies):
1. 1 cup of brown sugar
2. 1 cup of white sugar
3. 1¼ cups of flour
4. ½ teaspoon of baking soda
5. ½ teaspoon of baking powder
6. ½ cup of peanut butter
7. 1 teaspoon of vanilla
8. ½ cup of honey
9. 2 eggs
10. Hershey Kisses
11. ½ cup of margarine or butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.  Mix the butter/margarine and peanut butter.  Mix in the eggs and vanilla.  Next mix the baking powder, baking soda, honey, white and brown sugars.  Finally mix the flour in (the mixture will be thick so be careful not to burn out the engine if you use a hand blender).peanut-kisses-mix
Step 2
Unwrap all the Hershey Kisses and set aside.  Roll small balls of cookie dough the side of walnuts in their shells.  Set two balls side by side, leaving a ½ inch between them.   Make sure each pair has enough room to expand.  Bake 7 to 9 minutes until the edges of the cookies brown.  Remove from the oven and transfer onto wax paper to cool, immediately setting 2 Kisses on each cookie.  After a minute, pinch the tips and push down softly until you get your desire areola look.  Allow to cool, then package for gifts or each with milk, soymilk or by itself.
peanut-kisses-bake-pinch

peanut-kisses-served1

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


GIFT TO BANG #1 – RADICALLY ROASTED PEPPERS

December 22, 2015
I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!

I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!

The economy has had a swift kick in the nuts for every consumer rich and poor.  The holidays are here and gifts need to be exchanged.  Your lovers are no exception.  The holidays are a great time to clean house of the more shameful members of your roster.  Give them nothing but a booty text with a holiday reference like “How’s my ho ho ho?”  But you may have one or two (or three or thirty) that you’d like to see more of in the New Year.  You gotta pony up sometimes, which doesn’t necessarily have to cost money.  Purchasing jewelry, lingerie or a personalized bowling ball can easily land you in trouble, especially if your give Tina the panties meant for Rochelle.  That’s why a culinary DIY project can bring a nice personal touch that reminds them once again what a phenomenal cook and lover you are.   Making some transportable food sends just the right message.  You won’t set up grand expectations or be considered stingy, just a matter of fact, “I think you are terrific and hope to bang you in the new year.”

Read the rest of this entry »


GIFT TO BANG – HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE

December 21, 2015
Put down the crackberry.  Try the Chipotle Blackberry.
Put down the crackberry. Try the Chipotle Blackberry.

So now you’re down to the wire now.  You blew all your cash on gifts for the family and forgot about that certain someone who’s been keeping your bed warm at night. Whoops! Soon you will be going your separate ways giving each of you time to think and reflect.  This could be a very bad thing if you leave on a inconsiderate cheapskate note.  Giving them nothing likely will result in not getting some for a while if not ever.  Considering the holiday rush at the stores for anything worth a damn, why not skip all that noise?  Save time and money by getting DIY with some jarring, player.  HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE offers an aphrodisiac double threat with the chipotle chili kick and blackberry antioxidant money shot.  It’s spicy, it’s sweet, it’s versatile.  Spread it on a sandwich, marinate meat and fish and grill, turn it into a sexy salad dressing with some vinegar.  Hand all your special someones a jar to remember you by, with luck a part of you will be in their mouth even months later (if you pressure seal the jars).  Let jarring begin!

Read the rest of this entry »


PICNIC TO BANG

June 8, 2012
Be sure no bear steals your picnic basket while you're banging in the woods.

Be sure no bear steals your picnic basket while you’re banging in the woods.

Food on the go doesn’t always mean artery-shattering fast food in greasy paper bags. Call it a picnic and suddenly you’re the classiest bastard alive.  Cooking at home certainly makes post-meal banging a foregone conclusion, but sometimes you need to mix it up.  Taking your homemade treats elsewhere can be an adventure that allows your date to get comfortable with you.  The clear advantage to a picnic date is not blowing your paycheck at a restaurant.  Plus it’s romantic in spite of it being a tad cliché.  My retort to that is women always flock to recycled cliché romantic comedies ad nausea.  Many a picnic date have yielded me randy rewards. One went so well that I was cited in a park for public indecency when my date and I were caught in the backseat of her Prius, which was surprisingly roomy. Apparently all the parents of impressionable youngsters didn’t appreciate our tomfoolery. Read the rest of this entry »


CSA PDA

November 4, 2009

csa box closed open

Your box of tasty wet dreams awaits!

Community Supported Agriculture boxes make all my cooking and banging possible.  More importantly, it makes it affordable.  This is in no ways sponsored.  Payola is not going on, although to tell you the truth, selling out so I can fill a hot tub full of vodka-infused Jell-O sounds pretty good right about now.  I just want to get the word out to all you food lovers looking to avoid auctioning off your organs to afford shopping at Whole Foods.  That place is a food strip club with a “don’t touch the girls” vibe.  I’ve dropped more ducats in that store than I have on strippers, booze and other illicit contraband combined.  As a food whore, it was totally worth it.  But I’ve found an alternative:

http://www.localharvest.org/csa/

I pay online ahead of time for a magical box that gets delivered to my local market.  When I pick it up and take it home, I act like a giddy 80’s schoolgirl who finally got her autographed New Kids on the Block poster.  What’s in the box varies week to week and never disappoints.  It’s all local organic, seasonal, top-shelf produce that challenges me to create new recipes I throw on the site.  Creating up with 5 new recipes every week can be= challenging.  Luckily the CSA box makes decisions for me.  I dropped $15 on this box and here’s what I found in it:

csa box contents1. 1 pumpkin
2. 1 spaghetti squash
3. 2 eggplants
4. 1 cilantro bunch
5. 1 BASIL bunch
6. 1 kale bunch
7. 1 chard bunch
8. 3 petit pan squash
9. 2 summer squash
10. 2 yellow squash
11. 4 globe squash
12. 2 zucchini
13. 1 BEET bunch
14. 1 sugar snap pea pile

Your kidney and half your liver would be allocated to a wealthy Swiss industrialist if you bought the same goods at Whole Foods.  But now you have a heap of amazing produce to turn into magnificent meals to seduce any number of sexy prospects.  You’re already saving cash not taking your dates to restaurants. Imagine how much more you could save and then spend on booze and lube!

Below are some COOK TO BANG recipes directly inspired by what I found in this Foodie’s Pandora Box:

BEET YOUR MEAT SALAD

INHALE MY KALE

NEVER A BORSCHT IN THE SACK

NEVER FAIL KALE BREAKFAST

MO-ROCKIN’ MOROCCAN POTATO SALAD

PIMPIN’ PUMPKIN SOUP

SPAGHETTI SQUASH NUDEY NOODLES

SQUASH KE-BANGS

SQUISHY SQUASHY CASSEROLE

THEIR LOSS GRILLED SQUASH

TWICE BANGED POTATOES

UNDRESS YO PESTO

VIAGRA-MELON PORNSICLES

VIAGRA-MELON SOUP

WILD & WETTY SQUASH SPAGHETTI

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


SEX YOU CAN MEXICAN PIZZA

April 17, 2009
Sex you can, yes you can!

Sex you can, yes you can!

Buenas noches, senoritas!  There is plenty of room at mi casa y mi cama for a little bit of this and a whole lot of that.  Considering how simple, fast and cheap these pizzas are to create, we can make them all night long.  So feel free to invite some of your sexy amigas along.  I’m selfless enough to share myself with all of you.  It’s what Jesus would have done.  And isn’t that what it’s all about?  Screaming “Oh God!” or “Dios mio!” into the night demonstrates family values.  So let’s do our part.  Together we can make this world a more pleasurable place.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Beer or tequila

mexican-pizza-prep1Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 medium-sized flour tortillas
2. ½ can of black beans
3. 1 jalapeño de-seeded chopped
4. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
5. 2 handfuls of shredded jack cheese
6. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 2 sprinkles of Menudo mix

Step 1
Preheat an oven or toaster oven to 375 degrees F.  Use a fork to spread out a ¼ can of black beans on each tortilla, using as little of the bean liquid as possible.  Scatter the jalapeño and tomato evenly over the beans.  Place the cheese evenly above and crown it with a sprinkle of menudo mix.
mexican-pizza-assemble
Step 2
Throw the Mexican pizzas in the oven and bake until the cheese melts and the tortillas brown and harden (approx 12 minutes).  Remove from the oven and artfully place the avocado slices over the pizzas and chop into quarters and serve.  Ole!
mexican-pizza-bake-slicemexican-pizza-served-2

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


ROCK YOUR RAMEN ALL NIGHT LONG

April 16, 2009
Ramen on and on and on!

Ramen on and on and on!

So you are ready to throw down for the hot number you got lined up.  The only problem is your wallet’s emptier than a beauty queen’s head.  Fear not for money will be the least of your worries tonight.  Your mind will be occupied debating which gravity-defying position to try next.  This dish will bring your dates back to their starving student days when they would put out after two red keg cups and an inquiry about their major.  Those collegiate memories still rattle like a tower of beer cans knocked over in a hung-over stupor.  Embrace this turbo-diesel version of ramen with flamboyant flavor you won’t find in one of those tumor-inducing MSG packets.  You will have to settle for fresh vegetables and a gingerific aphrodisiac payload.  And if I were you, I’d change out of that toga before you head to work the next day.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or Sake

rocking-ramen-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 teaspoon of chili sauce
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil
4. 2 packets of dry ramen
5. 1 egg
6. 1 bell pepper cut into strips
7. 1 onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ a lime of juice
9. 1 large handful of fresh chopped GINGER
10. 2 handfuls of mushrooms chopped coarsely

Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a roaring boil.  Place the dried ramen (discard flavor pack) in a bowl and add the hot water.  Cover the bowl for 3 minutes, break up the bunched noodles with a fork, and then drain them in a colander.
rocking-ramen-boil
Step 2
Warm up the vegetable oil in a deep pan or wok on medium-high heat.  Stir-fry the ginger and onions (approx 3 minutes); add the bell peppers (approx 2 minutes) and mushrooms (approx 2 minutes).  Kick up the flavor with the soy sauce and chili sauce.
rocking-ramen-veggies
Step 3
Dump the ramen into the veggies and mix it all up.  Squeeze in the limejuice.  Crack an egg in the center of the noodles, allowing it to cook (approx 1 minutes) before stirring it into the ramen.  Serve it up like a Samurai warrior of lust.

rocking-ramen-noodles-eggrocking-ramen-served

AddThis Social Bookmark Button