GET LUCKY LATKES

November 16, 2015

On the ninth day of Hanukkah, give your date your body as the final gift.

Happy Hanukkah!  I have banged enough ladies of the Jewish faith to make me an honorary Jew.  So I understand the importance of latkes or potato pancakes to the uninitiated.  They are ridiculously simple to make, delicious beyond compare, and give a sense of comfort.  Those qualities are important when it comes to seducing the Chosen People. You need to put your best foot forward to impress this lot with discerning tastes and banging booties.  Getting lucky requires a certain amount of gumption taking destiny in your own hands.  Making perfect potato pancakes will position you nicely.  Spin the dreidel like you spun the bottle pre-Bar Mitzvah.  That’s two minutes in the closet, right after you finish your latkes!

Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Wine, wine and more wine

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. Applesauce
3. Sour Cream
4. 2 dashes paprika
5. 2 dashes black pepper
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 potatoes
8. ½ JALEPENO diced finely
9. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
10. 1 egg
11. 1 lime wedge

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Peel the potatoes and shred them (either use a food processor, cheese grater or peeler if you must).  Combine the taters with jalapeños, 2/3 of the green onions, salt, pepper, paprika, limejuice and eggs.  Mix thoroughly.

Step 2
Grease a baking pan with olive oil and then lay out 6 separate pancakes, leaving room in between them. Bake until the top end is brown (approx 30 min) and flip cooking until that side browns (approx 15 min).

Step 3
Plate up the latkes and garnish them with the traditional applesauce, sour cream and remaining sour cream.

I wish you a preemptive “Mazel Tov!” for when you get laid serving up these latkes.

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BANGAROONS

April 18, 2014
Bangeroon, buckeroo!

Bangeroon, buckeroo!

Cookies are more than just a sweet distraction from life’s miseries.  The crumbs we discover months later embedded in our couch’s fibers are a reminder of the moments of elation they bring.  The Girl Scouts have come and gone, but we still want out cookies!  And coconut brings out thoughts of the tropics and sun-bathed bodies.  So get marooned on a desert island with a plate of bangaroons.  Use these cookies as a peace offering for the sexy island girls or boys.  Hopefully they aren’t headhunters.  If they are, use this magnificent confection to convince them you are a god that should be worshipped.  The secret ingredient (hint: rhymes with fineapple) will woo even the most skeptical savage.  These cookies are also are unleavened for any of you chosen Cook-To-Bangers attending a Seder.  Mazel Tov for being so goddamn sexy! Read the rest of this entry »