LET THEM EAT SALMON CAKES

February 1, 2016

Patty cakes, salmon cakes, banger man! Bang me a salmon cake as fast as you can.

That Marie Antoinette was quite the strumpet of her day. This Versailles Vixen raised her bloomers for everyone in the court, men and women alike, except her pantywaist husband Louis XVI. What a scandal it must have been for the French queen to be a whore and the king likely gay. Every would-be suitor need only present an edible treat to Mademoiselle Antoinette and into her boudoir they would go. This was a precursor to COOK TO BANG. A little known historical fact: When Marie Antoinette said, ìLet them eat cake!î she meant salmon cakes. These are cheap and easy to create, but major crowd pleasers. If only Marie’s messenger hadn’t flubbed the message. Off with his head! Read the rest of this entry »


ARTICHOKE HEARTBREAKERS

January 27, 2016
You're a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!

You’re a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!

Hear that high-pitched sound not unlike a champagne glass shattering against the wall? That’s a million hearts being broken by this ass-gettin’ APHRODISIAC appetizer. The hook is that it’s baked, not deep-fried, keeping those asses slimmer and more inclined to get down later. Don’t wallow in bloated oily malaise. Bake those hearts before you break more hearts. I figured this out when I brought a platter for a playoff party. The diehard fans were crushed by the loss, but they took solace with my healthy-ish finger food. One particularly devastated, but delicious female fan got an extra dose of comforting by the chef. Soon her sorrow over her team’s seasonal demise was overshadowed by the fact I didn’t call her again. I still feel bad, but my calendar is jam-packed for the next month with more hearts to break. Next! Read the rest of this entry »


BANGNANA POONCAKES

January 15, 2016

Come Mrs. Tallyman, fondle me banana

For the record, Cook To Bang isn’t telling you to bang your nana. That is illegal in most countries and frowned upon everywhere else with the possible exception of Sweden. Why do you think they call it a Swedish pancake? Yet I digress, a bad habit since my ADHD childhood. Bananas are among my favorite fruits. Taste and phallic suggestiveness aside, the magnesium, potassium, riboflavin and B Vitamins run through the love machine you call your body like premium oil used in sports cars driven by men substituting for what they lack. But that’s not your problem. Is it, fellas? Even if it is, fret no longer. Bananas also turbo-charge the male libido with the enzyme bromelain. The fact “bro” is in the enzyme’s scientific name should not be lost on you. Fire up the griddle and make pancakes…in bed. Then make breakfast.

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GET LUCKY LATKES

November 16, 2015

On the ninth day of Hanukkah, give your date your body as the final gift.

Happy Hanukkah!  I have banged enough ladies of the Jewish faith to make me an honorary Jew.  So I understand the importance of latkes or potato pancakes to the uninitiated.  They are ridiculously simple to make, delicious beyond compare, and give a sense of comfort.  Those qualities are important when it comes to seducing the Chosen People. You need to put your best foot forward to impress this lot with discerning tastes and banging booties.  Getting lucky requires a certain amount of gumption taking destiny in your own hands.  Making perfect potato pancakes will position you nicely.  Spin the dreidel like you spun the bottle pre-Bar Mitzvah.  That’s two minutes in the closet, right after you finish your latkes!

Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Wine, wine and more wine

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. Applesauce
3. Sour Cream
4. 2 dashes paprika
5. 2 dashes black pepper
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 potatoes
8. ½ JALEPENO diced finely
9. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
10. 1 egg
11. 1 lime wedge

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Peel the potatoes and shred them (either use a food processor, cheese grater or peeler if you must).  Combine the taters with jalapeños, 2/3 of the green onions, salt, pepper, paprika, limejuice and eggs.  Mix thoroughly.

Step 2
Grease a baking pan with olive oil and then lay out 6 separate pancakes, leaving room in between them. Bake until the top end is brown (approx 30 min) and flip cooking until that side browns (approx 15 min).

Step 3
Plate up the latkes and garnish them with the traditional applesauce, sour cream and remaining sour cream.

I wish you a preemptive “Mazel Tov!” for when you get laid serving up these latkes.

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EGG MCHIPPIE

October 14, 2015
This breakfast is like so spiritual and full of heady karma, man.

This breakfast is like so spiritual and full of heady karma, man.

The dirty longhairs have taken over breakfast! At least one that I picked up at a summer concert did.  Mind you, she was a hot young not-yet-jaded hippie, but a hippie all the same.  The previous night she proved herself to be a carnivore repeatedly stuffing a certain meat into her mouth.  But come morning when the alcohol and whatever mind-alerting bohemian substance she may have been on wore off, the self-righteous hippie returned.  There I was casually frying up bacon when she started lecturing me all about how the poor little piggies suffered.  But this hippie-crite hottie was more than happy to eat eggs, neglecting to bemoan the miserable conditions of egg-laying hens.  So I assembled the veggies in my fridge and did my best to improvise.  This aphrodisiac triple-threat turned out pretty damn good for a meal on the fly.  Good enough for me to bang her again before I inadvertently pissed her off when she saw the sign in my bathroom that reads: HIPPIES USE SIDE DOOR (no exceptions!).  That saved me the trouble of announcing I was going seal clubbing that afternoon so she would leave. Read the rest of this entry »


EGG MCBANGIN’

August 17, 2015
egg-mcbangin-served

Mickey D’s ain’t got nuthin’ on this morning delight

So your date has slept over and has a ridiculous craving for some artery clogging McDonalds.  How gross and inconvenient!  You can indulge their desire, save time and money, plus you’ll blow their mind with this vast improvement over the fast food original.  This fine breakfast dish is extremely simple to prepare, plus it can be relatively healthy, thus giving you some much-needed nutrients depleted by a morning in bed.  I first made this dish on a whim using minimal ingredients when a one-night stand demanded I drive her 3 miles away to the nearest fast food purveyor.  First, I despise haphazardly prepared food, but more importantly I was only interested in one thing, and the Egg McMuffin demand was cock-blocking me.  Luckily my ingenuity worked out A-OK.  We both got what we wanted and I never saw her again.  Ha! Read the rest of this entry »


NEVER FLAKE CRAB CAKES

May 1, 2015

Why spend another Friday night at home pissed off at yet another flake?

My number one frustration in the dating scene is flakes. Nothing pisses me off more than having a date lined up for the night and getting a call, or worse, a text message with some half-baked excuse about a forgotten lobotomy appointment. I erase their phone numbers on the spot and wipe their existence from my memory banks.  This happens to all of us, especially with those you pick up without the benefit of an acquaintance’s introduction. Thems the breaks of being on the prowl.  So what’s a player to do to avoid becoming a victim of the better offer?  Wow the living shit out of them with a memorable meal.  Granted these flaky whores and douches need to sample your cuisine first.  But once they do, flaking will be the last thing on their mind.  Their concern will be staying in your good graces so they never miss one of your epic meals. Crab cakes send a clear message that you are a keeper and deserve the utmost respect and courtesy.  There are millions of sexy singles who would gladly take their place at your dinner table and boudoir. Read the rest of this entry »