LICK HER POTSTICKER SOUP

March 16, 2016
Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!

Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!

Apply your whole tongue.  Don’t be shy now.  You want to start from the base and work that saliva up and down and all around the nub. You’re doing something right when there’s twitching and squirming.  How else are you supposed to suck every bit of flavor our of a pot sticker soup? I’m all ears if you have a better idea.  For now, we’ll just have to settle for overzealous tongue action that renders your company slaphappy and craving a cigarette even when they don’t smoke. This Thai inspired soup guide your taste organ to its happy ending.

random thai soup prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Thai beer

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can Tom Yum Soup*
2. ½ can coconut milk*
3.1 handful green onions chopped
4. 1 handful cilantro chopped
5. 2 handfuls of frozen gyoza/pot-stickers*
6. 1 wedge lime (not pictured)

*available at Asian markets

Step 1
Boil the pot-stickers in the Tom Yum soup until they soften (approx 5 min).  Use a spatula to break them up in bite-sized pieces.random thai soup boil

Step 2
Pour in the coconut milk along with the green onions, cilantro and limejuice and simmer, stirring occasionally (approx 3 min).
random thai soup coconut herbs lime
Serve soup up in bowls with solo or a kick ass ENTRÉE.
random thai soup served 2

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COCONUT COD-PIECE

February 5, 2016
Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!

Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!

I generally don’t recommend being bashful and covering up your naughty bits. But for some reason it has been deemed socially unacceptable to prance around naked in public. So when social decorum outweighs your exhibitionist tendencies, you need to figure out a classy way to cover up. Bring on the codpiece! Your most shocking parts will be hidden from view, yet you will leave everyone guessing what you could possibly be packing. And that’s just where you want to be. Apply this same hidden package of awesome theory to the meal you serve to your date. Nothing packs quite a flavor wallop like this black cod dish I made as an afterthought. The task at hand was preparing MISO HORNY COD that has been dropping panties since 2003. But I had leftover cod that required my swift attention lest these beautiful cuts of fish go the way of slap bracelets. So my date the following night was given a rarefied chance to try something new and totally untested. This dish is what follows and thank god for that! Lord knows she was thanking god in her own lascivious way. Read the rest of this entry »


THAI HAPPY ENDING MUSSELS

December 7, 2015
It's the happiest ending on Earth!

It's the happiest ending on Earth!

You want happy ending?  You got happy ending.  No ending will be quite so happy as the one that follows this meal.  If you can’t get laid with mussels and wine, you will never get laid…with this date.  Move on.  Your pheromones must be reeking of something close to a hippo’s ass if this dish fails to land you in bed.  Steamed APHRODISIACS incarnate swimming in a broth of spicy awesomeness will unleash the alpha instinct left dormant by society’s deprogramming.  Embrace the power endowed in you and take what is yours.  The secret to steamed mussels success is that they are simple to make.  But your date doesn’t need to know that.  All they should be aware of is that this dish looks, smells and tastes impressive.  Think of this dish like some Eurasian rock star that defies classification unless you are classifying something as ethereal.  Now get out there and pretend cooking these mussels is worthy of a Nobel Prize!  I already received my prize…in the bottom of a box of cereal. Read the rest of this entry »


PIMPIN’ PUMPKIN SOUP

November 18, 2015
Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella's, but with way more umph!

Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella’s, but with way more umph!

Halloween is upon us.  Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined.  Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for destruction.  Unspeakable acts of mayhem and perversion have occurred on my Halloween watch.  The fact I don’t remember much of it seems beside the point.  The pretentious side of me finds the whole transformation thing very Kafka, while the idiotic derelict in me just thinks it’s a great excuse become reckless.  So I always apply this theory to my pumpkins each year.  My Halloween tradition is to purchase two pumpkins, one to carve into sarcastic social commentary, and the other less pretty pumpkin I demand for free becomes something delicious. So I pimped my pumpkin into a soup with Thai-style flavor. The lucky lady who joined me for the jack-off-lantern carving party did agree and demonstrated her appreciation the old fashioned way…orally.

pimpin pumkin soup prepTotal time: approximately 50 minutes

Projected cost: $9

Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITOS

Ingredients (for six):

1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil

2. 4 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock to make vegan)

3. 2 cups coconut milk

4. 2-3 lb pumpkin

5. Salt at your discretion

6. 1 teaspoon dried lemongrass

7. 1 onion chopped coarsely

8. 1 small handful of freshly sliced GINGER

9. Lime wedges to squeeze into soup

Step 1

Cut the ends off the pumpkin, skin it, slice in half, scoop out the seeds and gunk, and slice into chunks.

pimpin pumkin soup pumpkin

Step 2

Sauté the ginger and onions with 1 tbsp of olive oil, spicing it with lemongrass (approx 5 min).  Add the pumpkin, throw in the remaining olive oil and sauté until the pumpkins soften (approx 7 min).

pimpin pumkin soup saute

Step 3

Add the stock and bring to a boil.  Turn the heat down low and simmer (approx 35 min).  Puree the soup, add the coconut milk, and heat through.  Squeeze some lime into each bowl you ladle up.

pimpin pumkin soup stock coconut lime

Serve up this with some Thai NOODLES and you’re sure to have a happy ending.

pimpin pumkin soup served

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NEVER HURRY THEIR CURRY

September 9, 2015

Get their curry in a flurry 'til their eyes go blurry.

Rule #1 of gaming is to never be too eager. Desperation is herpes to your prospects. Why rush the inevitable by being a needy little bitch? The best seductions simmer to the point you can’t resist taking a nibble. Serve it up too soon and you will barely enjoy the undercooked, underwhelming sensations to follow. Don’t repeat my tragic blunders by rushing the vibe when it ain’t solid. The only thing you’ll have is a shiny new pair of blue balls. Granted there are certain opportunities to pounce on post haste. These are fun, but fleeting. When it comes creating something exceptional, a little restraint never hurt nobody no how. I’m not suggesting pussing out entirely like some chump. Just know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em; and know when to bang ‘em. Now savor every last morsel of their curry, champ! Read the rest of this entry »


GRILL BEN DOVER’S SOLE

September 4, 2015

Order in the court!  Allow me to retort...

Order in the court! Allow me to retort...

That Ben Dover better bend over for what he’s done.  Corporal punishment is the only fitting penance for the food slurs he committed.  He tarnished his soul with this Dover sole.  The bastard though that he could make a fish marinade out of blueberries, New Mexico chilies and coconut milk.  Ha!  How could a strange commingling of flavors like that taste anything but weird?  Clearly he must know the consequences of his reckless cooking.  Granted, I haven’t tasted his culinary cancer, but it has to be awful.  Right?  Fine, if you insist I don’t try him in the kangaroo court I call my garage, I will try a bite.  <takes bite, chews> You see!  It’s guilt…glorious!  <touching self> The delicate blueberry taste dances with the New Mexico chili wolves and cools down with a river of soothing coconut milk.  <does cartwheel> I hereby dismiss this case.   Ben Dover deserves a commendation for his culinary bravery.  Ladies of the court, please try a bite of this food pioneer’s masterpiece and meet me in the judge’s chambers! Read the rest of this entry »


TEQUILA LIME RHYME TIME PASTA

March 23, 2015

Tequila = boozy floozies in a jacuzzis

Ever just start speaking in rhymes?
Happens at the most inconvenient times?
Dr. Seuss crawled down your throat?
Like someone’s always getting your goat?

Bust out some tangy lime and tequila
Your date is sure to touch and feel ya.
So rather than whine, bitch, and groan
Make pasta so good they will moan

I shall refrain from babbling all night
This rhyming even gives me a fright
Guys, don’t just play with your wang
Good forth, my friends, Cook To Bang!

Read the rest of this entry »