April 6, 2016
Tease me, please me, mac & cheese me!
When it comes to potlucks, stealing the show with something unexpected always boosts your game. You will be forever remembered for that one dish that your friends fought over the priviledge to lick the plate. High five and fist bumps all around for you. At least that’s how I roll. Considering my pseudo-profession is a digital chef, it is expected of me. That doesn’t I, nor you, shouldn’t take advantage of said skills. Take this mac & cheese I brought to my buddy’s potluck over the weekend. He assured me single girls, and attached girls on the verge of bailing would be there. So I had to show up with something that would sneak in under their radar and smack them across the face with pleasure. A childhood classic schmi’ed up with awesome stole the thunder of even the $50 slab of Atlantic salmon, which for the record was excellent (twas my RECIPE afterall). Cheek kisses and phone numbers were exchanged and no leftovers in sight.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: All depends on it’s culinary wingman
Ingredients (Serves 20):
1. 1 quart milk
2. 1/3 cup flour
3. Salt to taste
4. Black pepper to taste
5. 1 lb dry large elbow macaroni
6. 4 tbsp breadcrumbs
7. æ lb shredded jack cheese
8. 3 OZ shredded cheddar cheese
9. 1 stick butter
10. 1 bunch green onions chopped coarsely
11. 3 dried New Mexico CHILIES
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Throw the macaroni in boiling water, cook al dente, drain, and throw back in large stockpot (approx 8 min).
Step 2
While macaroni boils, start the sauce: melt the butter on med-low heat (approx 2 min). Chop the chilies into tiny pieces and throw into the butter. Salt and pepper as needed and thoroughly stir in the flour (approx 1 min). Throw in the green onions and cheese, and cook until it all melts.
Step 3
Dump the cheese sauce into the pasta and mix together like the superstar you are. Fill a baking dish or disposable tinfoil dish (as pictured), dumps in the milk, scatter the cheddar, and crown it all with breadcrumbs. Throw it dish in the oven and bake until the milk absorbs into the pasta, the cheddar melts and the breadcrumbs brown into a crust.
Serve with your favorite potluck goodies. Might I suggest FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN and LECHEROUS LEMON BARS.
4 Comments | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, dairy, RECIPES, southern, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, bang, banging, black pepper, breadcrumbs, butter, cheddar cheese, crowd pleaser, dairy, delicious, digital chef, DIY, easy, fattening, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet mac & cheese, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, large elbow, libido, mac & cheese, macaroni, macaroni and cheese, milk, naked, new Mexico chilies, plate licking, potluck, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy, tasty, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
April 4, 2016
Lead your enchanted hordes with the glorious tune of your Potato Skin Flute.
The flute is an enchanting instrument that when played right can control the minds of the captivated audience. Pan rocked his pipes and outplayed Mt. Olympus’s residents. The Pied Piper inspired people to follow him like sheep, dancing like fools through meadows and forests. Even Saint Patrick the heartthrob priest used a wind instrument to drive the snakes out of Ireland. You too can enjoy such greatness if you embrace and master your own flute (or your man’s). Play that flute beautifully with precision and attention to detail and they will follow you anywhere you want to go. Just imagine the possibilities once you have someone under your flute’s spell and yearning for your next note. Audiences can be fickle so keep them fed so the flute party keeps going. Savory Potato Skin Flutes will do the trick. Cheeky, cheap and cheesy! You’ll be back playing the final crescendo in no time. ♪
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a MO MOJO MOJITO
Ingredients (for two):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. Sour cream for dipping
6. ½ cup of shredded jack (or cheddar) cheese
7. 1/3 cup of shredded Parmesan
8. 1 JALAPEÑO chopped into thin round slices
9. 3 potatoes
10. 2 coarsely chopped green onions (optional, not pictured)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 475 degrees F. Create the potato skin glaze by mixing the olive oil, paprika, salt, pepper, and Parmesan in a bowl.
Step 2
Wash the potatoes thoroughly, and then cut them in half and scoop out the centers with a spoon, leaving the skins in tact. Place the 6 potato skins in a greased baking pan, apply the glaze evenly over all and toss them in the oven to bake (approx 7 minutes). Pull the pan out of the oven and flip the skins over and bake until they brown (approx 7 minutes). Flip the skins back over and throw in the jalapeños (and green onions if you wish) and cover them with cheese. Toss the skins back in the oven until the cheese melts (approx 2 minutes). Serve those bad boys up on a plate with sour cream and if you are feeling bold, GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE.
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, spicy, sports, Super bowl, vegetarian | Tagged: appetizer, baked potato, bang, bar food, baseball, basketball, cheddar cheese, delicious, DIY, drunken, easy, fattening, finger food, football, game, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, jalapeño, kitchen, naked, olive oil, paprika, parmesan, pepper, Potato skins recipe, potatoes, recipe, salt, sex, simple, sour cream, sports, sports bar, Super bowl, tailgate, tailgating, tapas, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 2, 2016
Naked Nacho Naughtiness needs no non-naked nonsense.
Because, why not? We exhaust ourselves being seriously serious and fully clothed. Get naughty for a change. Is there really anything wrong with eating nachos naked in bed? Sure it’s messy and totally awesome, but oh so primal and did I mention easy enough for a lab monkey to make? Mr. Nutter the chimp threw this together and invited all the lady lab apes to his cage for some monkey business. So be bold and invite your date over for naked nachos. They will just think you mean sans meat or dairy. Let them. Answer the door wearing nothing but the nachos in your hand.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $11
Drinking Buddy: Beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ bag of tortilla chips
2. 1 tablespoon of sour cream
3. 2 jalapeños diced in rounds
4. 2 tablespoons of SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
5. 2 tablespoons of GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE
6. ½ can of black beans
7. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 1 chicken breast grilled or baked (vegetarian exclude)
9. 2 large handfuls of shredded jack cheese
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Pull apart the chicken into shreds. Lay a thin bed of chips on large oven safe plate. Scoop in 2 spoonfuls of black beans, throw a handful of chicken, jalapeños, green onion, and a heaping handful of jack cheese. Repeat the process with another smaller batch of chips and fillings until you have yourself a tower.
Step 2
Throw the nachos in the oven and bake until the cheese melts into the goodness below (approx 15 min). Create condom-ment mini mountains of SALSA, GUACAMOLE and sour cream. Now the two of you, get naked and climb that mountain!
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: ape, bake, bang, basketball, black beans, chicken nachos recipe, chimp, college, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guacamole, guapo gringo guacamole, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, jalapeños, kitchen, lab monkey, march madness, monkey business, mountain, nacho recipes, naked, Naked nacho naughtiness recipe, ncaa, nude, recipe, salsa, seduce, sex, shredded chicken, simply sexy salsa, sour cream, tasty, tortilla chips, tower, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 23, 2016
A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.
I ain’t too proud to admit I’ve porked some sows in my day. Who of you can claim you never once compromising your standards in the pursuit of ass? That lone ranger stoically standing all alone on the hill can pat his/herself on the back. The rest of you know what I’m talking about. Like I said, these are not my proudest moments. But I believe in living life free of regret. So what if my friends taunted me mercilessly? There are photos floating somewhere out there of me in college dressed like Hugh Hefner sucking face with what was described to me as “an oompa loompa in a cheerleader costume”. It was Halloween, damnit! Jack Daniels was the bastard responsible. Thank goodness there are compromises like this pizza. It packs a wallop of flavor from the prosciutto and figs, but minimal carbs. Now you can have your pig, eat it too, and not be embarrassed to admit it your friends.
Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 lavash flatbread
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 slice prosciutto
4. 4 long slices Brie cheese
5. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
Step 1
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Rub olive oil into the flatbread and scatter the green onion, figs, prosciutto, and Brie slices.
Step 2
Bake the pizza in the oven until the edges brown (approx 10 min). Remove from the oven and cut into 6-8 slices.
Serve up as FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY or as a warm up to some stunning ENTRÉE.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, healthy, Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bake, baked, bang, banging, brie, calivirgin, cheerleader, college, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, Fig brie prosciutto flatbread pizza recipe, figgy piggy pizza, figs, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, flatbread pizza, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, hugh hefner, intercourse, jack daniels, kitchen, lavash flatbread, libido, lone ranger, low-carb, naked, olive oil, oompa loompa, pizza, pork, prosciutto, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sow, starter, tapas, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 21, 2016
Your D-cups fill out nicely!
This dish is stacked! I mean the cups are full and voluptuous. Ain’t no flat-chested FINGER FOOD here. No need for implants to help these fill out. The chicken breasts are supple and pouting, not to mention double-D-licious! I have enjoyed this dish many times in the company of dates at fine Chinese restaurant and not so fine ones that rhyme with PF WANGS. But only when I made it at home did I realize how simple, tasty, and awesome this dish can be. Blow you date away with some familiar, but so much better since you made it with your own two hands. Take a hold of those lettuce D-Cups, caress, fondle and then let your mouth get to work.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Beer or CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (for 2):
1. Plum or hoisin sauce (at your discretion)
2. 1 tbsp soy sauce
3. 1 tbsp vegetable oil
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 small lettuce head
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 3 mushrooms sliced thinly
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. 1 handful chopped peanuts
Step 1
Mince the chicken finely with your sharpest knife. Marinate it in the soy sauce and oyster sauce (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, green onions and mushrooms with vegetable oil until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the chicken and the nuts and cook through (approx 4 min).
Step 3
Fill up the lettuce cups with the goods. Add a teaspoon or so of the plum or hoisin sauce to each cup and then add a healthy scoop of the minced chicken filling.
Serve them up on a platter to share with the spirit of camaraderie and banging on your mind.
4 Comments | asian, atkins, Chinese, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, healthy, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: appetizer, asian, awesome, bang, banging, boobs, breasts, chicken breasts, chicken lettuce cups recipe, Chinese, d-cups, delicious, DIY, double d’s, easy, fill, finger food, flat-chested, food, foreplay, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, hoisin sauce, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, libido, mince, mushrooms, naked, nuts, oyster sauce, peanuts, pf changs, plum sauce, recipe, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, tasty, tatas, tits, vegetable oil, voluptuous, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 18, 2016
Layer upon layer of resistance-slayers.
This recipe goes out to all the March madness maniacs. According to my research, a girl from I was banging, 7 Layer Dip is the ultimate sports-viewing treat. Forgive me if I was misinformed. Rather than curse my inaccuracies with mob justice your time would be better served recreating this dish and serve it up to your football-viewing posse. People who like variety are well sorted with this All-American concoction. The 7 Layer Dip is sort of like a chameleon lover who will become whatever you want them to be. Whether you want white, black, Latin, Asian, or a magical mix, you will get your fill. Talk about a menagerie of flavor! Make this dip, bring it to the party, and go home with some impressed hottie for the win!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Beer, beer, and more beer!
Ingredients (Serves a whole party):
1. 1 bag tortilla chips
2. 1 can refried bean
3. 1 small container sour cream
4. SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
5. GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE
6. 2 handfuls jack cheese
7. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful black olives diced
Step 1
Warm up the refried beans on medium-low heat, mixing in the tomatoes (approx 5 min). Evenly pour the beans into your serving bowl.
Step 2
Pour in the contents of these evenly in this order: salsa, green onions, half the jack cheese, sour cream, guacamole, olives, and the remaining cheese.
Place the chips artfully around the edge of the dip right before serving. Hear those cheers? They aren’t for the latest sack. It’s for your sexy ass!
Leave a Comment » | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, mexican, RECIPES, sports, Super bowl, vegetarian | Tagged: 7 layer dip recipe, 7 layers of awesome dip, all-american, bang, banging, black olives, chameleon, college basketball, colts, delicious, dip, DIY, easy, food, football, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guacamole, guarantee, homemade, Indiana, Indianapolis, intercourse, jack cheese, jocks, kitchen, libido, march madness, menagerie, naked, nfl, recipe, refried beans, salsa, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sour cream, sports, superbowl, superbowl recipes, tasty, tomatoes, tortilla chips, touchdown, usa, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 2, 2016
There’s no shame in going second so long as it’s sloppy
No one likes to admit to having taken sloppy seconds, but we’ve all done it. We all slip up and go there whether it’s hitting it after your best friend, sibling or in my case boss. As long as you keep it under wraps and don’t allow this booty call to evolve into a five-year relationship then it’s no harm no foul. Just move on knowing you got your forbidden rocks off and got away with it. Well done, MacGuyver! Now you just need to figure out an exit using only dental floss and a used condom. Remember that your relationship with your homie is way more important than a piece of strange they already discarded anyway. But sloppy isn’t always bad. Sloppy can be damn good when stuffed into a bread roll and smothered with avocado. So embrace the tangy terrific taste of a Sloppy Seconds Joe without shame or fear of retribution.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, beer or a RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 can of cheap beer
2. ½ cup of ketchup
3. 1 tablespoon of Worcestershire Sauce
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. ½ teaspoon of salt
6. ½ teaspoon of crushed garlic
7. 2 sandwich-sized French rolls
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 large dried CHILIES chopped thinly
10. 2 orange or red bell peppers chopped coarsely
11. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey meat
Step 1
Warm the olive oil in the stockpot over medium heat. Add the crushed garlic and sauté momentarily before throwing in the bell peppers, turkey meat and salt. Cook and stir until the turkey meat browns (approx 5 minutes).
Step 2
Add the chopped chilies and cook until the spice releases (approx 2 minutes). Pour in the beer, ketchup and Worcestershire sauce and cook until the liquids evaporate and thicken (approx 20 minutes). Turn off the heat and stir in the green onions.
Step 3
Split each roll down the middle, leaving the base in tact. Pull each roll open and spoon in the sloppy Joe mixture, crowning it with avocado if you so desire. Serve it up sloppy, Joe.
4 Comments | aphrodisiac, RECIPES, SINWICHES, spicy | Tagged: American, aphrodisiac, bang, beer, bell pepper, bread, delicious, dried chilies, easy, French roll, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green onions, ground beef, ground turkey, guarantee, intercourse, Joes, ketchup, kitchen, naked, olive oil, orange pepper, poultry, recipe, red pepper, salt, sandwich, scallions, sex, sinwich, sloppy, Sloppy Joes recipe, spicy, spicy turkey sloppy Joes recipe, tangy, tasty, turkey sloppy Joes recipe, Worcestershire sauce, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 20, 2016
X marks the G-spot
Arrr! Ahoy, maties! I spot a hard body off the starboard bow! Land ho (or was that hos?)! We shall not rest until we collect all the doubloons in their pantaloons. Plunder everything you can before we make off into the night. We shall woo them with our finest spices traded from the far East. The healthier, shinier, and tastier the treasure, the better! If you don’t like your captain’s skullduggery, walk the plank!
Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, healthy, Japanese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: ahoy, aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, black pepper, cilantro, crushed red pepper, cucumber, cucumber salad recipe, delicious, DIY, doubloons, easy, food, g spot, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, Japanese, kitchen, libido, maties, naked, pantaloons, panty plunder cucumber salad, pirates, plunder, quick, recipe, rice vinegar, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, skullduggery, starboard bow, tasty, treasure, vegan, vegetarian, walk the plant, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 9, 2016
Grass, Ass, or Cash-ews
Cash money makes our world go around. It’s the international language of “fuck you, I’m rich!” Here at Cook To Bang we like commerce as much as the next perverted food blog. But the whole spirit of CTB comes from the desire to take money out of the dating equation. Food is the great equalizer. Everyone needs to eat. Almost everyone wants to bang. You don’t have to bang your lover on 1000 gold thread count sheets. A sleeping bag over a La-Z-Boy could be just as much fun and certainly more of an athletic feat. Everyone wins when you Cook To Bang. And this CTB take on a classic Chinese dish will win you much props and improper propositions.
Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: 1000 thread count, aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, cash money, cashew chicken recipe, cashew money chicken, cashews, chicken breasts, Chinese, commerce, cornstarch, dating equation, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, international language, kitchen, la-z-boy, libido, msg, mushrooms, naked, nuts ginger, onion, oyster sauce, propositions, recipe, scallions, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, soy sauce, tasty, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 16, 2015
On the ninth day of Hanukkah, give your date your body as the final gift.
Happy Hanukkah! I have banged enough ladies of the Jewish faith to make me an honorary Jew. So I understand the importance of latkes or potato pancakes to the uninitiated. They are ridiculously simple to make, delicious beyond compare, and give a sense of comfort. Those qualities are important when it comes to seducing the Chosen People. You need to put your best foot forward to impress this lot with discerning tastes and banging booties. Getting lucky requires a certain amount of gumption taking destiny in your own hands. Making perfect potato pancakes will position you nicely. Spin the dreidel like you spun the bottle pre-Bar Mitzvah. That’s two minutes in the closet, right after you finish your latkes!
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Wine, wine and more wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. Applesauce
3. Sour Cream
4. 2 dashes paprika
5. 2 dashes black pepper
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 potatoes
8. ½ JALEPENO diced finely
9. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
10. 1 egg
11. 1 lime wedge
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Peel the potatoes and shred them (either use a food processor, cheese grater or peeler if you must). Combine the taters with jalapeños, 2/3 of the green onions, salt, pepper, paprika, limejuice and eggs. Mix thoroughly.
Step 2
Grease a baking pan with olive oil and then lay out 6 separate pancakes, leaving room in between them. Bake until the top end is brown (approx 30 min) and flip cooking until that side browns (approx 15 min).
Step 3
Plate up the latkes and garnish them with the traditional applesauce, sour cream and remaining sour cream.
I wish you a preemptive “Mazel Tov!” for when you get laid serving up these latkes.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, holidays, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple sauce, bake, baked latke recipe, bang, banging, banging booties, black pepper, calivirgin, chosen people, delicious, DIY, dreidel, easy, egg, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, hanukkah, homemade, intercourse, jalapeño, jew, jewish, kitchen, latke recipe, libido, lime, mazel tov, naked, olive oil, paprika, potatoes, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sour cream, spicy latke recipe, spin the bottle, tasty, two minutes in the closet, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 