December 4, 2008
Spread it, sprinkle it, toast it, taste it
Ever have one of those mornings where you have someone in your bed who you’d like to keep there? The problem is they are hungry, and, if you can get your mind off the next position you want to try, you’d realize you would eat a camel carcass and ask for hot sauce. Making something impressive like pancakes would take forever and delay why you’re making the grub in the first place. Plus your fridge is filled only with condiments, beer and ½ a loaf of half stale bread. This is the perfect time to get your bread buttered. Cinnamon toast to the rescue with 30 seconds of preparation, 3 minutes of toasting, 5 minutes of eating and 45 minutes of headboard banging. Spread and sprinkle, baby!
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 2 slices of white or wheat bread
2. 1 tablespoon of sugar
3. 2 teaspoons of cinnamon
4. two knife spread of butter
Spread butter across each slice of bread slice massage oil into taut shoulders. Sprinkle enough cinnamon to leave its mark on the butter, then smother in shiny white sugar.
Slide the ready-to-rock bread into the toaster oven and set to medium/brown and let it roll. You’ll know you’re in the money when the sugar and cinnamon crystallize. Serve that diamond up and enjoy the ride.
November 22, 2008
Tickle their toast from coast to coast
The French have given Americans so much: the Statue of Liberty, tongue kissing and more varieties of food than positions in the Kama Sutra. Those beret-wearing frogs sure know how to live. They believe in embracing the finer things in life like food (including wine), art (porn counts) and sex (ménage a trios anyone?). Merci beaucoup, my French friends! Breakfast is whole lot sexier thanks to those wine-guzzling hedonists. So embrace the meal after you’re done embracing the lucky lady or man who slept over. Surprise them with this outstanding good morning treat wearing nothing more than an apron and a kinky smile. Bonus points if you use a French accent when you serve up this gourmet take on a classic breakfast dish. Ooh la la!
Ingredients (for two, two toasts each):
1. ½ cup if milk
2. Maple or breakfast syrup
3. 2 tablespoons of jam
4. 2 teaspoons of cinnamon
5. 2 eggs
6. 2 tablespoons of cream cheese
7. Butter to grease pan and serve a top the meal
8. 4 slices of Texas toast or other thick bread slices
Cut a slice diagonally across the bread. Fill each slice with a ½ tablespoon of cream cheese, then a ½ tablespoon of jam.
Pour the milk and crack the eggs into a wide bowl. Toss in the cinnamon and mix it all into a batter. Dip each piece of prepared bread in the bowl, and then dip again on the other side so they absorb some batter. Be sure not to leave it soaking too long or you’ll end up with flaccid French toast.
Grease the frying pan or griddle with some butter. Throw each piece of stuffed, dipped bread and grill them up. Cook each side about 3 minutes before flipping. They will be browned, with perhaps a tiny black. Serve on a plate with a slice of butter, syrup and perhaps a proclamation of undying love.
November 12, 2008
Melts in your mouth, not in your pants
“Thar she blows!” the pirate screamed out the window of the brothel. The wharf town residents were unaware the mangy marauder was not talking about impregnating a strumpet’s mouth. Rather he was commenting on the fine tuna melt the brothel’s madam prepared from him from the tuna he caught off the bow of his dingy. A fresh tuna melt can indeed take the ordinary sandwich and make it something worthy of jumping ship. This recipe is quick, delicious, but far from fat free. It is comfort food on a higher level and she should be treated accordingly. A gourmet tuna melt works great when you want your game to seem like a coincidence. The appropriate attitude is, “Hey, I throw masterpieces like this together with my eyes closed. It wouldn’t be fair if I actually tried to impress you. Then you’d never leave!” Should this recipe not cause your date melt into the sheets, COOK TO BANG will refund your money back. Oh wait, this site is free. Nevermind. Do you take Monopoly money?
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 2 albacore tuna steaks
2. ½ a lemon
3. 2 tablespoons of mayonnaise
4. 2 slices of bread
5. 4-10 slices of tomatoes
6. 2 slices of cheddar cheese
7. ½ a sliced avocado
Sear the tuna steaks and squeeze the lemon over them. Add pepper for extra flavor. Depending on fresh quality of tuna, you can sear it rare or pink. On a bare bones budget you can substitute a can of tuna, which won’t be half as good or impressive.
Coarsely chop the seared tuna steaks and throw into a bowl. Add the mayonnaise and mix together thoroughly. For an additional kick, throw in some fresh dill or tarragon.
Spread the tuna mixture evenly over the bread. Place the tomatoes evenly out and crown it with slices of cheddar cheese.
Broil the open-faced sandwiches until the cheddar cheese is good and melty. Add slices of avocado over the melted cheese and cut each sandwich in half. Serve on a plate with a salad, French fries or a condom.
November 10, 2008
Scrumptious spankings because Baby’s Got BAPT!
When I hear the word BLT, I see a greasy diner filled with truckers and vagabonds shoveling down gruel at 4am. But you can’t underestimate the power of bacon to transform something lame into something with game. Bacon’s crispness can resuscitate flavorless iceberg lettuce and beefsteak tomatoes. It comes in so many variations that everyone from anemic vegans to carnivores gnawing on turkey legs can enjoy. So why waste bacon on lame ingredients when you can turn up the bass with something outstanding? This recipe came out of serendipitous dumb luck. I met a girl at a party with a feather boa and convinced her to come back to my place with the promise of a late night snack. But I forgot to mention my fridge was more barren than Jennifer Aniston. There were four near stale slices of bread, turkey bacon (she was one of those “vegetarians” who eats fish and poultry), ½ and avocado that needed to be eaten stat, and a healthy heirloom tomato. But there was no lettuce unless you count the fern in the kitchen. Luckily I had a neglected pear sit all by itself in the fruit bowl just begging to be eaten out. My hot hungry companion went from skeptical to agreeable in the time it took to toast the stale bread. The feather boa remained on the whole night, but her clothes were not so luckily.
Ingredients (per sinwich):
1. 3 crisp bacon strips
2. ¼ avocado sliced in strips
3. 4 thin round slices of tomato
4. 4 thin slices of a pear
5. 2 slices of bread (not pictured)
Fry the bacon in a pan until crisp. Pat the grease dry with a paper towel and set aside.
Toast the bread of your choice and add favorite condom-ments; CTB recommends sourdough or cracked wheat with wasabi mayonnaise spread on one side and goat cheese on the other.
Assemble the sinwich however you like, spreading the ingredient evenly across the bread and close up shop. Cut the sinwich in half (or smaller) before serving because it’s both less messy and classier than San Diego.